I haven't dated in over 30 years !!!

[now_what]

I've been divorced for almost eight months after the end of a 30 year marriage (my husband left me for another woman last September). I joined eharmony a few months ago and had emailed back and forth with a few men and finally met one that I had some interest in. We have gone out twice over the past two weeks and talked on the phone a few times while continuing to email. He's a nice guy who is funny and has values that I appreciate, but I really don't think he is the one for me. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I don't want to string him along. I was just contacted by another guy on eharmony who is local and may be a better fit for me. Is it wrong to start talking to another guy when you have gone out with someone and they will probably ask you out again?

 

I haven't dated in years and then it was pretty much only the guy I married - and that didn't turn out so well lol.

 

Any advice will be appreciated. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I do want to be happy.

[now_what]

C'mon guys, help me out here, or I'll have to go back to the "COPING" forum. I wanted to show some progression, lol.

[LostInLA]

Good for you getting yourself out there and dating!

 

I haven't dated in 10 years and haven't done so yet since my break up 8 months ago (guess it's time, huh?), so I'm not sure how to date either!

 

However, I don't think there is anything wrong with you meeting the 2nd guy to find out if he is more suitable for you.

 

Personally I don't like dating more than one person at a time but you only went on a couple dates with the first guy, so no harm in that. Do you expect that he isn't still seeing what's out there as well?

 

Anyways, after a date or two with the 2nd guy, maybe then make your decision on what you want to do so you don't lead one guy on? I think that seems fair.

[carhill]

OK, here's a question....how do you know what you want and who's a 'better fit'?

 

Did you go through any counseling just prior to or during your divorce? 30 years is a long time; a lifetime. I can imagine it would be hard to know any other way to be but how you were, married.

 

Have you had much non-romantic contact with men over the last year?

 

Hey kudos to you for getting out there. Our D will be final in about another 5 months and we've lived apart for nearly a year and I can't imagine seriously giving any woman consideration or knowing what a 'better fit' would mean. I can tell you what a bad fit is, no doubt

[now_what]

Thanks for the advice LostinLa, I appreciate it.

 

Now, Carhill, I'm not sure what I want, but I'll tell you what I don't want - anyone obsessed with motorcycles. My ex had a mid life crisis, bought a Harley and decided he was a full-fledged biker. He left me for an old biker chick and married her two weeks after our dissolution was final.

 

And when I'm saying better fit - and I don't want to sound like a snob - but someone with a similar background to me, education, occupation, etc. They guy I have gone out with twice is a retired electrician and for some reason he just seems older than he is. I am 50 but have been told I look and think younger, he is 56 and to me just seems older.

 

As far as non-romantic contact, that would be limited to guys at work and an online friend I chat with a few times a week.

 

I have been going to counseling since my ex left (he sent me an email and snuck out of the house while I was at work to shack up with biker chick after knowing her for two months).

[carhill]

We're the same age, though no biker dudes or chicks in my baggage, so I'm struggling a bit with the deeper question of compatibility. I think I get what you mean about age equality, 'place in life', education etc, but how are things going on the deeper compatibility fronts, like emotional and communication styles, love languages, etc?

 

One thing I'd guard against is stereotyping by occupation and/or education, especially at our age. Vast life experience differences can make for an interesting mix of street smarts, education and living that one can find symmetry in. A lot of my colleagues have worked hard for many decades, learned a lot and now are enjoying those fruits and relaxing. We do a lot of things for fun that we used to get paid for and do them at a relaxed pace. Does that make us 'old'? LOL, read some of my posts and latest journals and decide for yourself.

 

Personally, I think you'll have a lot of fun. Keep an open mind and enjoy what comes your way.

[now_what]

Hmmm, wonder if the guy I went out with decided I'm not a good fit for him? He had been emailing every day and calling some, but I have not heard from him since we went out Sunday.

 

Another factor I've been considering is the distance involved. We are about an hour away from each other. He drove down to see me on Sunday, and said he had forgotten how far it was to my city. I think I would prefer to see someone local, so if you want to hang out together at home there is not a long drive involved after leaving.

 

This dating business can get kind of complicated. In reference to carhill's post, I am trying to be open minded about dating people from different backgrounds, etc. I know this will sound crazy, but I would probably prefer someone who might be considered a "nerd". I am an accountant and we all refer to ourselves as nerds. My online friend is also an accountant and we can discuss work and even find some accounting humor - yes there is such a thing. Even my daughters and my older daughter's husband refer to ourselves as nerds, because we are into computers, games, Japanese anime etc. Kind of young and nerdy I think, but fun.

[VeveCakes]

Look, you are new to this so have to explore your options. Keep in mind most people on dating sites are speaking with and meeting multiple people. Unless you are exclusive there is no reason you can't date and speak with multiple interests. I think it's good to get out and date a few different guys to see what's it like, and get back into the idea of being with someone else. Good luck!

[carhill]

Here's an example: My dad was a CPA. I've done my own business accounting and taxes for 25 years and the taxes for my stbx's business while we've been married. What did I do today? I did some rewiring in the attic at my mom's house, fixed two toilets, and installed a whole slew of mini-blinds. What do I do for a living? Run a machine shop. I was building electronics and sending cameras up in rockets before I was ten. See where I'm going with this? Someone can be a 'nerd' (I was, back when it wasn't cool) but still work with their hands, drink beer and race cars too. People have many facets. Most of my friends and business colleagues are the same way.

 

IMO, life is too short to be linear. I want to do everything

 

My bet is you're going to meet a lot of men in their 50's like that. Relaxed, comfortable with who they are, enjoying life. It's a great time.

[spookie]

Here is the latest.

 

My job has been sucking as of late. On Wednesday, I wrote Jack an email summarizing my more-professional qualms:

 

Jack,

I feel the need to bring up my issues regarding the customer service requests, as my frustration over the last couple of months has been mounting.

 

For more than a year, I have been the only one doing them all, and at this point, they still take up more than 50% of my time.

 

I am long past the point where the occasional request poses a learning opportunity for me; on the contrary, with each request requiring 0% thought and 100% attention, the biggest challenge has been staying awake.

 

I understand that CS requests need to get done, and that there's "no one else" to do them. But why is this my fate? More importantly, for how much longer can I expect it to remain my fate?

 

I know that almost every job involves some boring, repetitive work - and I am ok with the concept of paying my dues. However, in this situation, I have to wonder why my dues seem to be so much higher than everyone else's. I would be surprised if other actuarial positions at __ required quite so much mindless repetition.

 

If I am failing to prove myself capable of more challenging work, you need to give me clearer feedback, because right now, I am in the dark as to what I'm doing wrong. I can honestly say that despite my accumulating dissatisfaction, I am working very hard.

 

I hope you understand that in spite of these qualms, I am still very grateful to be employed; and that my commitment to this organization, and doing my personal best, remains unshaken.

 

When you get the chance, I'd like to discuss this with you

 

Thanks

-Spookie

 

He responded by setting up a time for us to discuss.

 

In the conference room large enough for 30 people, we sat side by side under bright lights. I could taste my nervousness, bitter in the back of my throat.

 

He said he had spoken to our boss about the situation, and they agreed that something had to change. I was doing a good job, he told me, and he knew I was capable of more difficult work.

 

“At this point, we are not taking any solutions off the table. It’s possible you’ll get a transfer, or someone else will come in to do this, or you will spend more of your time working on automating the process.”

 

Automating the process was my own idea. Back in February, before the first time I asked for a transfer, I was coming in all the time on the weekends to program our spreadsheets, hoping I could altogether eliminate my job. He scrapped the idea when I finally brought it up to him, saying he needed me to work on other projects.

 

I was elated when he had mentioned a transfer, but then he said, “Can you pull together a spreadsheet summarizing time estimates for programming our various spreadsheets, as well as how much time that would save?”

 

I began to freak out. Having spent months on the process already, I know it would take years to eliminate all the bitchwork I do through automation - and if I am the one working on that, obviously, I would still be working for him. I zoned out as he told me what he wanted to see, and as he went on, allocating my time for years to come, a hysteria began to built inside me.

 

Luckily, before I could blurt out anything stupid, Tim and Carrie rapped on the door. “It’s time for our 12 o’clock, Jack,” Carrie said.

 

“Can we finish this later?” he asked me. I nodded.

 

Back at my desk, I scribbled notes feverishly for 2 hours. I needed to bring up the transfer again, I knew. I could not let them change my role without giving me a different boss, and if I didn’t speak up now, I wouldn’t get a chance again for years.

 

At first, I was just going to say everything out loud, but then I realized I did not trust myself not to get hysterical. I was wired! So I decided to write him a letter.

 

Jack,

 

If we are discussing allocation of my time for the next couple years, I feel I can’t remain silent on the point of still wanting a transfer.

 

The situation as it stands is emotionally unsustainable for me. I felt that I was at the end of my rope when I brought this up back in February; nearly a year later, I’m still hanging, but I know that a breaking point is coming.

 

I know that I have other options - like looking for another job - but __ is honestly where I want to be. Optimistically, I have hoped that there is a workaround that would allow me to stay here, and for more than a year, I have been working as hard as I can, to prove my value and loyalty.

 

However, if all my effort is in vain as far as getting someone to care ab

out how stressed I am, I’d appreciate it if someone would let me know.

 

I want to make clear that this issue is separate from dissatisfaction about doing Customer Service requests all day, except in the way they both relate to my unhappiness. However, as I said, if we are talking about options, I feel I would be doing myself a disservice by remaining silent.

 

 

Thanks,

-Spookie

 

Back in the giant conference room, I sat frozen in my chair as he read. Halfway through, he glanced up, smiling, and said, “I need to start being mean to you.”

 

When he was through, blushing but looking pleased with himself, he said, “So, you still want a transfer because of me?”

 

I nodded.

 

“I know last time we talked to Allan (our boss), he said he wasn’t going to rearrange the department just for one person,” he told me.

 

“I know.”

 

“But I wouldn’t want you looking for another job because of this.”

 

“I don’t want to look for another job,” I said, my eyes filling up with earnest tears.

 

“And it wouldn’t make much sense for us to give you different things to do, if you’re still going to be unhappy.”

 

“Well, there are different levels of misery,” I pointed out. “Right now, I am completely unhappy. I hate my job! And I would prefer to be less unhappy than more unhappy.”

 

He laughed. “I don’t know what to say,” he told me. “I’ll talk to John and Allan. Can I keep this letter?”

 

“I don’t necessarily want you to show it to them…” my voice trailed off.

 

He looked annoyed. “If I can’t talk to them about it, how is this is going to change?”

 

I made a face. “Fine.”

 

So we left the conference room, taking the stairwell silently up to our floor. The rest of the day, our professional R did not skip a beat. He continued being just as flirty/ funny/ friendly.

 

That night, my friends and I went to a bar, where we met up with some co-workers. Jack was there, talking to Hannah, a cute blonde that he also works with. I tried to ignore him, but each time my friends and I would come into his cirlce, he’d cheer me with his beer.

 

At one point, Greg took him aside to hit on some drunk hos. He spent a good half hour talking to one, but in the end, went home alone. Greg said the girl hade liked him, but he didn’t even get her number.

 

I am not sure what to make of this situation, but I would appreciate the shedding of light on such issues as:

 

-Am I definitely going to get fired now?

-What is he thinking?

Edited November 25, 2009 by spookie

[spookie]

Lol, now_what, I am so sorry!!

 

I meant to post my reply as a new thread; I did not realize I was still in yours when I hit reply and began to compose it!!

 

Regarding your issue, I think you should let the guy you're dating now it's over sooner rather than later, and then move on to #2. No point in leading someone on, if you KNOW it's not gonna work.

 

Congrats on starting to move on! The other day, I heard a story about a family friend whose kids I'd grown up playing with. He got a divorce from his wife a couple years ago, and recently met a woman whom he refers to as the love of his life. He says he's the happiest he's ever been. You never know what's in store!!

[now_what]

That's ok spookie, kind of funny really.

 

Maybe I'm going to get off easy here, the guy I've been seeing I think is feeling the same way about me - that I'm not the one for him.

 

I sent him a little email expressing a few concerns and he said he had been thinking about things too and he would call me tonight.

 

I just knew in my heart that I was not as attracted to him as I should be and did not want to pretend and string him along. He always said he was an upfront kind of guy and that I was calling the shots.

[jerseyboy]

It'll happen

 

Good luck

[now_what]

Guy #1 called me this morning and we talked about things a bit. He told me that he had been looking for someone who would be able to go with him to visit friends on short trips and he knew that I was not at a place in my life where I could do that, because I am still heavily involved with my 16 year old daughter, which he said is what I should be doing at this time. He raised two children by himself after his wife died 19 years ago and both of his kids have moved out. He said he enjoyed talking with me and going out the two times we did, but he thought it was better to break it off now instead of later where someone could get hurt. I was glad we both agreed that we were not quite the one for each other.

 

Anyway, guy #2 wants to talk on the phone. I would like to see where this goes.