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How do I handle the push/pull game?


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Old 8th November 2009, 10:50 PM   #1
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How do I handle the push/pull game?

We aren't dating as yet. But already I'm falling.
Previous boyfriends either chased me full on or became friends first. I have had very long relationships and not much dating experience. So I have no experience with this game. Hence my naivety .

While the pull is making me want him (I wanted him before he started this game) the push is making me feel very insecure, so any compliments or nice things he does for me, I think is this sincere or just a game? I hate the fact that he controls the flow of our interaction.

I'm wondering does this stupid game stop once the guy gets you? It seems to be picking up pace. Can he possibly be falling for me or do guys only use push pull for sex and casual relationships? I just feel distressed at the moment. I'm not into games and it's just doing my head in.
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Old 9th November 2009, 1:22 AM   #2
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Could you be more descriptive? What kinds of things is he doing that push you away? It's quite possible he's just afraid of getting hurt. Might be something to discuss with him.
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Old 9th November 2009, 2:33 AM   #3
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As much as I hate to admit it...I am a push/pull guy. In my case...and this applies to me and maybe not him at all: it has to do with some deep seated insecurities from my childhood.

For me there is this fear that any woman that loves me will leave...even though I deeply crave love. So as get it...I get scared and push the woman away.

I know it is not attractive. In my experience it does tend to die down once the relationship is stable, but there are things that seem to to trigger my pushing instinct.

The bad thing is...the more potential for love I feel..the harder I push.
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Old 9th November 2009, 2:49 AM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lovesick09 View Post
We aren't dating as yet. But already I'm falling.
That's a concern, the biggest concern here in fact.

Quote:
I'm wondering does this stupid game stop once the guy gets you?
No.

Further more, what you'll end up being attracted to is the game, not him.

Quote:
I hate the fact that he controls the flow of our interaction.
I person who knows what they want and what they're willing to put up with is always in control.

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I'm not into games and it's just doing my head in.
Then you should have walked away by now. If he's indeed playing a game, then walk away.

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Old 9th November 2009, 2:50 AM   #5
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Originally Posted by Devil Inside View Post
As much as I hate to admit it...I am a push/pull guy. In my case...and this applies to me and maybe not him at all: it has to do with some deep seated insecurities from my childhood.

For me there is this fear that any woman that loves me will leave...even though I deeply crave love. So as get it...I get scared and push the woman away.

I know it is not attractive. In my experience it does tend to die down once the relationship is stable, but there are things that seem to to trigger my pushing instinct.

The bad thing is...the more potential for love I feel..the harder I push.

Really, DI....how interesting...
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Old 9th November 2009, 2:54 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lovesick09 View Post
We aren't dating as yet. But already I'm falling.
Previous boyfriends either chased me full on or became friends first. I have had very long relationships and not much dating experience. So I have no experience with this game. Hence my naivety .

While the pull is making me want him (I wanted him before he started this game) the push is making me feel very insecure, so any compliments or nice things he does for me, I think is this sincere or just a game? I hate the fact that he controls the flow of our interaction.

I'm wondering does this stupid game stop once the guy gets you? It seems to be picking up pace. Can he possibly be falling for me or do guys only use push pull for sex and casual relationships? I just feel distressed at the moment. I'm not into games and it's just doing my head in.
Can you give an example of push-pull? Is it possible that your own insecurities are causing you to see intent to push you away where there is none?
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Old 9th November 2009, 4:37 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Devil Inside View Post
As much as I hate to admit it...I am a push/pull guy. In my case...and this applies to me and maybe not him at all: it has to do with some deep seated insecurities from my childhood.

For me there is this fear that any woman that loves me will leave...even though I deeply crave love. So as get it...I get scared and push the woman away.

I know it is not attractive. In my experience it does tend to die down once the relationship is stable, but there are things that seem to to trigger my pushing instinct.

The bad thing is...the more potential for love I feel..the harder I push.
I can full-on relate to this. However...I've only done the push/pull when I've been afraid of getting hurt. It was more situation-related (the guy) than it was my past.

But that's why I was wondering what the guy was doing to push her away.
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Old 9th November 2009, 1:32 PM   #8
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My gf has been doing major push-pull on me for the last year. Not intentionally, but because she's been hurt and is afraid of getting hurt again.

The irony is that I'm on the edge of walking out over this.
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Old 9th November 2009, 9:02 PM   #9
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For a long time we have had a hidden attraction which came out recently because of all the time we now spend around each other. This is when the push pull nonsense started up. As soon as I respond to him wanting my attention, he withdraws his attention from me. I feel as if I'm being punished for liking him back.

It makes a lot of sense the reason he is like a skittish bird is because he has infact been hurt by women in the past. It's taken a long time for him to let some of his wall down with me. While he has opened himself up more, I sense he doesn't fully trust me.

So where do I go from here? I'm understanding of his hurt and insecurities but I have feelings as well. I also don't feel I should have to own what other women have done. That's other women, it's not me. The big thing is I don't want him taking my patience and understanding as being a doormat.
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Old 9th November 2009, 9:08 PM   #10
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I had feelings for him a long time before this game. I fell for the person he is. You are right, I do need to get the control back.

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Originally Posted by A O View Post
That's a concern, the biggest concern here in fact.

No.

Further more, what you'll end up being attracted to is the game, not him.

I person who knows what they want and what they're willing to put up with is always in control.

Then you should have walked away by now. If he's indeed playing a game, then walk away.

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Old 9th November 2009, 9:26 PM   #11
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Semi-serious answer: Pull when pulled, push when pushed.
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Old 9th November 2009, 10:39 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lovesick09 View Post
For a long time we have had a hidden attraction which came out recently because of all the time we now spend around each other. This is when the push pull nonsense started up. As soon as I respond to him wanting my attention, he withdraws his attention from me. I feel as if I'm being punished for liking him back.

It makes a lot of sense the reason he is like a skittish bird is because he has infact been hurt by women in the past. It's taken a long time for him to let some of his wall down with me. While he has opened himself up more, I sense he doesn't fully trust me.

So where do I go from here? I'm understanding of his hurt and insecurities but I have feelings as well. I also don't feel I should have to own what other women have done. That's other women, it's not me. The big thing is I don't want him taking my patience and understanding as being a doormat.
Maybe you talk with him about how he makes you feel when he is doing this stuff. This may help him to be aware of how he is pushing you out of his life.

In the end...you will need to give yourself a limit...and stick to it. You are right, he needs to own his stuff...not you.

The women that I have responded to best are those that call me on my **** while still being patient and giving me space. It is not an easy balance...but it is possible.

Good luck.
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Old 10th November 2009, 12:52 AM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lovesick09 View Post
We aren't dating as yet. But already I'm falling.
Previous boyfriends either chased me full on or became friends first. I have had very long relationships and not much dating experience. So I have no experience with this game. Hence my naivety .

While the pull is making me want him (I wanted him before he started this game) the push is making me feel very insecure, so any compliments or nice things he does for me, I think is this sincere or just a game? I hate the fact that he controls the flow of our interaction.

I'm wondering does this stupid game stop once the guy gets you? It seems to be picking up pace. Can he possibly be falling for me or do guys only use push pull for sex and casual relationships? I just feel distressed at the moment. I'm not into games and it's just doing my head in.
If you are convinced this guy is running a game on you, I cannot imagine why you're with him. The game--if it is a "game" in the sense I think you mean--will never stop. He will play with your head until he longer can.
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Old 10th November 2009, 2:11 AM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lovesick09 View Post
It makes a lot of sense the reason he is like a skittish bird is because he has infact been hurt by women in the past. It's taken a long time for him to let some of his wall down with me. While he has opened himself up more, I sense he doesn't fully trust me.
His past is not your concern, only his behavior is. Is this behavior that you're willing to put up with? People with a history of healthy relationships do not do this, do not put up with this.

Quote:
So where do I go from here?
If you have any sense, you'll walk away. He won't change and you won't change him. Only himself, along with the guidance of trained therapists can change, can help him.

Quote:
The big thing is I don't want him taking my patience and understanding as being a doormat.
Well, that's not up to him that's up to you. The power to be strong or a doormat is in your hands.

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Old 10th November 2009, 10:43 AM   #15
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I think you just have to talk to him and tell him he's being hot/cold with you. Tell him you understand he's been hurt before and you are trying to work with him, but if he plays this hot/cold crap, he WILL lose you.

Just talk to him and see where he stands. If the hot/cold stuff continues, move on, because he's got too much baggage.
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