My bf makes me feel guilty for wanting more

[travel2009]

My bf and I have been dating for over a year.

 

He had some financial problems, and he moved in with me in order to help his family through some rough times.

 

We made an agreement regarding how much he would contribute towards the household expenses---below $400 per month.

 

As his family problems got worse, he was not able to contribute what we agreed. He does work hard, but has budgeting issues, and the family asks for a lot of his income. Everyone is having really hard times.

 

I got frustrated yesterday because I allowed my bf to not pay me on a certain day, because he had a huge bill to help his family with. It was my understanding he would use the money he wasn't giving me to help his family. I hadn't heard about the status of the bill and got worried and tried to let him know to please watch his budget. He got upset and told me he would give me my money. He said it is such a negative way.

 

I was also frustrated because I am trying to feed the both of us, and he doesn't understand how much food really costs, and that he hasn't been consistent in the past, so it is hard for me to 100% know he is going to pay me when he says he is.

 

I end up feeling bad because I know he is going through a lot with his family, and he says he is stressed out a lot, and I feel like I can't ask for normal things in a relationship. I also don't have the means to cover all of the bills if he has some bill for his family that he has to take care of.

 

When I ask for things---like going out on a date (something not done in months), or just being together, he gets so stressed and it really makes me scared. I don't want to make things any harder for him, and I also have things that I want. I feel bad for wanting things, and I also feel like I have been trying to hold things together for many many months, and that I have a right in some sense to say what I need as well.

 

Not sure what to do, as we just ended up arguing with him getting withdrawn, and my crying.

Edited November 6, 2009 by travel2009

[crazy_grl]

On the one hand, it's a good thing that he wants to help his family. That shows good character. On the other, his help of them may go beyond what's healthy, especially since he's letting it affect his relationship with you. He seems to be putting them ahead of you and letting your relationship deteriorate as a result. Not good.

 

He should be thanking you and showing you all kinds of love for helping him out. You should be getting more than the normal things in a relationship. He's taking for granted that you'll just support him while he supports his family.

 

Think about this: His family isn't going to disappear. Is helping support him/them with their financial problems something you want to deal with forever?

 

If you're okay with that, sit him down and calmly explain to him that you don't mind helping him out financially, but you think your relationship has suffered and you don't feel appreciated.

 

If the conversation doesn't go well and you end up arguing, that's a sign of things to come. You'll need to consider if that's the kind of relationship you want.

[New Again]

How much of the year+ that you've been dating your bf have you been supporting him? And why is he supporting his family but not living with them?

 

It doesn't make any sense to me that you're supporting him so that he can support his family. If he is an adult, his primary responsibility is to support HIMSELF. Which means he pays you what you agreed on FIRST, and then whatever he can afford after that goes to helping out his family. If he can't afford to pay what you agreed on, and it stresses him out that he needs to cover his own living expenses (to a small extent!!) then he should move back in with his parents.

 

I think it's great that he's helping out his family, but it shouldn't be at your expense, because you and he are not married.

 

You two had an agreement, and he's not following through. I think you two need to talk again, and figure something out, because clearly this isn't working.

Edited November 6, 2009 by New Again

[travel2009]

How much of the year+ that you've been dating your bf have you been supporting him? And why is he supporting his family but not living with them?

 

It doesn't make any sense to me that you're supporting him so that he can support his family. If he is an adult, his primary responsibility is to support HIMSELF. Which means he pays you what you agreed on FIRST, and then whatever he can afford after that goes to helping out his family. If he can't afford to pay what you agreed on, and it stresses him out that he needs to cover his own living expenses (to a small extent!!) then he should move back in with his parents.

 

I think it's great that he's helping out his family, but it shouldn't be at your expense, because you and he are not married.

 

There is just no room to live with his family, and they are all spread out, so he is sending money to multiple family members.

[New Again]

There is just no room to live with his family, and they are all spread out, so he is sending money to multiple family members.

 

That doesn't change the fact that his priorities are messed up. Yes, it's great that he's helping his family. But as an adult living AWAY from home, he has to cover his own living expenses FIRST.

 

What would he do if he didn't have YOU to support him?

 

Besides that, he should be AT THE VERY LEAST acting like your bf, not to mention showing you some appreciation and consideration. Instead you're taking care of him, emotionally, physically, mentally, financially, and you're getting nothing in return from him as far as I can tell from the OP.

[threebyfate]

"Honey, while I love you, I can't keep supporting your entire family. You're going to have to set some boundaries. The buck stops here."

[travel2009]

That doesn't change the fact that his priorities are messed up. Yes, it's great that he's helping his family. But as an adult living AWAY from home, he has to cover his own living expenses FIRST.

 

What would he do if he didn't have YOU to support him?

 

Besides that, he should be AT THE VERY LEAST acting like your bf, not to mention showing you some appreciation and consideration. Instead you're taking care of him, emotionally, physically, mentally, financially, and you're getting nothing in return from him as far as I can tell from the OP.

 

He is supportive and very caring. And I feel bad at times for feeling this way because he is going through some really, really heavy stuff....his family is just enduring some severe hardships.

 

I do agree that I shouldn't have to worry about him paying me when I ask him to, and I shouldn't have to feel bad when I ask for things.

 

I often feel like I am just adding to his problems and stress, and he is having a hard time dealing with these issues in a healthy way. I worry about his health and I worry about us.

[crazy_grl]

BTW, I thought this went without saying, but just in case. You can't ask him to stop sending money to his family. That's his choice. Your choice is whether or not you'll continue to support him.

 

BTW, I don't think there's anything wrong with temporarily supporting a person during the course of a long term relationship, BUT there is something wrong with they take that for granted. Stress is no excuse. There will always be hardships and stresses. The way someone treats you under stress is very important to note. If you were to get married, there's going to be lots of financial stress. Money is the thing couples argue over most.

 

He is supportive and very caring.

 

Now I'm confused. To me, not giving someone the "normal things in a relationship" isn't supportive and caring. Can you please explain?

[travel2009]

BTW, I thought this went without saying, but just in case. You can't ask him to stop sending money to his family. That's his choice. Your choice is whether or not you'll continue to support him.

 

BTW, I don't think there's anything wrong with temporarily supporting a person during the course of a long term relationship, BUT there is something wrong with they take that for granted. Stress is no excuse. There will always be hardships and stresses. The way someone treats you under stress is very important to note. If you were to get married, there's going to be lots of financial stress. Money is the thing couples argue over most.

 

 

 

Now I'm confused. To me, not giving someone the "normal things in a relationship" isn't supportive and caring. Can you please explain?

 

You are right. He is supportive and caring in a lot of ways that other people I have been with have not been. He really does encourage me to be happy. It is just that when it comes to money issues and making time for us, then I feel he is being pulled a lot by his family.

 

You are right. I cannot tell him how to spend his money. I do wish he would at least acknowlege that I have a reason to be unsure. I hate saying it at times because I think it hurts his feelings. It is so strained right now because everyone is asking him for things and I worry about the amount of stress he is feeling. Sigh.

[Untouchable_Fire]

You are right. He is supportive and caring in a lot of ways that other people I have been with have not been. He really does encourage me to be happy. It is just that when it comes to money issues and making time for us, then I feel he is being pulled a lot by his family.

You are right. I cannot tell him how to spend his money. I do wish he would at least acknowlege that I have a reason to be unsure. I hate saying it at times because I think it hurts his feelings. It is so strained right now because everyone is asking him for things and I worry about the amount of stress he is feeling. Sigh.

 

It's a bad situation... do you see an end to it? Do you think his family is going to turn things around or be a permanent drain?

[crazy_grl]

He is supportive and caring in a lot of ways that other people I have been with have not been. He really does encourage me to be happy.

 

In that case, there may be something worth preserving.

 

I do wish he would at least acknowlege that I have a reason to be unsure. I hate saying it at times because I think it hurts his feelings. It is so strained right now because everyone is asking him for things and I worry about the amount of stress he is feeling. Sigh.

 

One thing which I've learned from male friends that you need to remember is that men like to consider themselves the provider. It's emasculating and humiliating for them to have the woman supporting them financially. (I'm talking about good men here, not the the ones who have no problem free loading.) When addressing the problem, you have to be very sensitive to that. He probably feels bad about having to rely on you. And when you ask him about when he's going to pay you, in his mind, that's an attack / confirmation of his lack of manliness.

 

But that doesn't mean you shouldn't talk to him about these things. You shouldn't let him think the way he's acting is acceptable.

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like you're okay with him helping his family and helping him do that (at least temporarily). You should tell him that, but let him know that you don't feel like he's treating you like a partner and teammate, but more like a debt collector. If he wants your continued support (financially, emotionally, etc), he needs to work with you and support you as well.

 

Also, has his family had these problems for as long as you've known him or is it a recent development? If it's been the whole time you've known him, don't count on the situation being temporary.

Edited November 6, 2009 by crazy_grl

[DanielMadr]

Welcome to mans world, baby, where supporting our loved ones is a standard for centuries. Men actually stopped buying designer handbags 5000 B.C.

 

You should propose to him, now he is in need.

 

I wonder, is he smuggling in his family from war-torn province of Ingushetia?

 

And what are budgetary issues?

 

When sh@t hits a fan then you know whos your brother.