Business before partner?

[Kamille]

Say it's 7:15 pm and you're in a meeting. Your phone rings and you pick it up anyway because the meeting started at seven and everyone is still chitchatting. Your significant other is on the phone. They are calling to tell you their grandparent is dying and that they are looking into flights to fly home in the hopes of seeing their grandparent one last time.

 

Your partner hasn't booked the tickets yet so you agree that partner will call you back once they have more info.

 

Do you pick up the phone when it rings again, even though you're in a meeting?

[boogieboy]

Say it's 7:15 pm and you're in a meeting. Your phone rings and you pick it up anyway because the meeting started at seven and everyone is still chitchatting. Your significant other is on the phone. They are calling to tell you their grandparent is dying and that they are looking into flights to fly home in the hopes of seeing their grandparent one last time.

 

Your partner hasn't booked the tickets yet so you agree that partner will call you back once they have more info.

 

Do you pick up the phone when it rings again, even though you're in a meeting?

 

Long as you explain to the people in the meeting beforehand why..then when the phone rings and you have to take the call and walk out, they will understand.

[Lakeside_runner]

I may mention a word or two to whomever is leading the meeting that I'm waiting for a very important family-crisis related call and then pick up the phone...

[Kamille]

Thank you. I would have done the same thing in a heartbeat. My bf hasn't. He ignored my calls 'because he was in a business meeting'.

 

I want to be with someone who will be there for me when major events are happening in my life. This is the second time bf is absent at a moment when I would have really liked him to be present.

 

I think I have to break up. It hurts too much.

[spookie]

Hm.

 

Are you supposed to be going with him to be seeing the grandparent?

 

If not, he doens't really need to talk to you, does he? I mean, what does he need to say that needs to be said right then?

[Kamille]

Hm.

 

Are you supposed to be going with him to be seeing the grandparent?

 

If not, he doens't really need to talk to you, does he? I mean, what does he need to say that needs to be said right then?

 

My grandfather is dying. I simply expected him to take my call and help me make the plans. I was hoping we would get to see each other briefly before i left for the airport because I could have really used a hug. Something, anything to let me know that he's there for me and that he recognizes that my grandfather is dying. Like, say, something as simple as picking up his phone.

[pandagirl]

Kamille, when you were upset about his lack of support when you were finishing your thesis, did you talk to him about it and how it bothered you?

 

I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather . I know you don't want to have some relationship talk right now, but maybe when you get back, you should tell him about you feel before breaking things off?

[xpaperxcutx]

Sorry to hear about your grandfather K. From your bf's standpoint, maybe the meeting was important? I wouldn't stigmatize him for one little mistake, as long as he is understanding towards your needs and is there to comfort you.

[Kamille]

Kamille, when you were upset about his lack of support when you were finishing your thesis, did you talk to him about it and how it bothered you?

 

I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather . I know you don't want to have some relationship talk right now, but maybe when you get back, you should tell him about you feel before breaking things off?

 

Yes he knows I felt he was absent when I was finishing my thesis. I didn't have a tantrum or anything - we just talked about it.

 

I told him how I felt last night on the phone on my way to the airport. His phone ran out of battery. He said he would call me back and he hasn't.

 

This isn't working for me. It just isn't. I want someone who actually has room in his life for me. I don't feel like he does.

[Kamille]

The good news is my grandpa made it through the night and I will be able to see him today!

 

About my relationship: yes I guess I owe him a talk, except I feel like I have been doing a lot of talking lately. I have been feeling like I've been doing most of the relationship work. When he is present with me, he's really present, but it feels like it's always on his time.

[xpaperxcutx]

The good news is my grandpa made it through the night and I will be able to see him today!

 

About my relationship: yes I guess I owe him a talk, except I feel like I have been doing a lot of talking lately. I have been feeling like I've been doing most of the relationship work. When he is present with me, he's really present, but it feels like it's always on his time.

 

K I don't know the entire background of your relationship, but are you guys long distance?

 

 

 

Glad to hear your grandpa's okay.

[Kamille]

 

 

Glad to hear your grandpa's okay.

 

Thanks - I can't wait to see him.

 

K I don't know the entire background of your relationship, but are you guys long distance?

 

No we live in the same city right now.

 

There is a background to all of this. I've always had a hard time reaching him. He hardly ever picks up his phone and sometimes even doesn't return his messages. He says part of it is that he gets too many phone calls for work (so he doesn't always pick up) and the other part is that his phone is supposedly dysfunctional.

 

It's so bad that last night I hesitated before calling him. My grandfather was ailing, I was leaving town and I didn't feel like I should be calling the man who wants to be the person I can count on. I was pleasantly surprised that he picked up the first time. But then, when he was impossible to reach even when he knew about my grandpa just really really hurt. I want to be with someone who will pick up the phone when they know I need support.

[Kamille]

Oh and to clarify, it is my understanding that his business meetings are usually pretty casual.

[BCCA]

Honestly, his life cant revolve around you.

 

I understand that you have a crisis, and you wanted him there, but there was no reason he HAD to be there, and truth be told - nothing he can say or do is going to help out a whole lot.

 

He's busy, and being hard to reach has always been his way. I know youre hurting and we all hope that the ones who love us will be there for comfort, but you cant expect him to drop his life and give you a shoulder to cry on. The nature of his meetings is not the problem. Even if they are casual in nature, its about business, and its how he makes a living.

 

I think you might be a little clingy, what do you say?

[The Collector]

If you can't be a little 'clingy' or 'needy' when a relative is dying, when can you be? Even if Kamille is - and I don't get it from her posts or her account - if this guy can't make her feel as secure and cared for as she wants, especially at such a crucial time, he may not be the right one for her.

[Kamille]

I say if clingy is what I am, then so be it. I therefore need someone who will make me feel they are there for me even when both our lives get ectic.

 

But truth be told, I highly doubt I'm clingy. If anything, I think my modus operandi is independance. So, now that I've actually needed and asked for support, our incompatibility is coming foward.

[Vertex]

Say it's 7:15 pm and you're in a meeting. Your phone rings and you pick it up anyway because the meeting started at seven and everyone is still chitchatting. Your significant other is on the phone. They are calling to tell you their grandparent is dying and that they are looking into flights to fly home in the hopes of seeing their grandparent one last time.

 

Your partner hasn't booked the tickets yet so you agree that partner will call you back once they have more info.

 

Do you pick up the phone when it rings again, even though you're in a meeting?

 

I'm answering this without looking at any other posts in this thread in order to not fall victim to hindsight bias or "oh, that's a better idea!"

 

If I were in the business meeting, and someone called to tell me that their grandparents were dying, I would have that discussion and also let them know that I was in a meeting, and that I would call them back once the meeting was over. If my partner had to get a hold of me before the meeting ended, either text me with details or call if it requires a discussion (to which I would pick up again given the situation). Either way, I would let the head of the meeting know of the situation. Nobody's going to fire you for taking calls pertaining to a dying grandparent unless they're absurdly unreasonable. If your track record with the company is otherwise solid, there's really nothing to worry about. It's not "professional," but it's a critical situation and I personally prioritize family when it's work vs. family, but I think this solution does a good job of handling both sides.

[dreamergrl]

(((K))) I'm sorry to hear your Grandpa is having health problems.

 

If bf is not giving you what you need.... then yes, it's time to have that talk and move on if need be. However, I am somewhat inclined to agree that maybe your expecting a bit much? Or maybe trying to rely on him a bit much - in the terms that you aren't compatible.

[Kamille]

I'm answering this without looking at any other posts in this thread in order to not fall victim to hindsight bias or "oh, that's a better idea!"

 

If I were in the business meeting, and someone called to tell me that their grandparents were dying, I would have that discussion and also let them know that I was in a meeting, and that I would call them back once the meeting was over. If my partner had to get a hold of me before the meeting ended, either text me with details or call if it requires a discussion (to which I would pick up again given the situation). Either way, I would let the head of the meeting know of the situation. Nobody's going to fire you for taking calls pertaining to a dying grandparent unless they're absurdly unreasonable. If your track record with the company is otherwise solid, there's really nothing to worry about. It's not "professional," but it's a critical situation and I personally prioritize family when it's work vs. family, but I think this solution does a good job of handling both sides.

 

Thanks Vertex. I tried calling him, he didn't answer, so then I sent a text with the details and asking him to text or call me.

 

An hour later I hadn't heard from him and had to head out, so I tried to call again. By then he had turned his phone off. That's when I lost it.

 

(((K))) I'm sorry to hear your Grandpa is having health problems.

 

If bf is not giving you what you need.... then yes, it's time to have that talk and move on if need be. However, I am somewhat inclined to agree that maybe your expecting a bit much? Or maybe trying to rely on him a bit much - in the terms that you aren't compatible.

 

I agree that this most likely is a core incompatibility. I think our work/family/love values differ. Maybe I was asking for too much when I was trying to pack my bags, book my ticket, etc. But I agree with TheCollector, if I'm not a priority when my grandfather is dying, when exactly am I allowed to ask for support?

[dreamergrl]

Thanks Vertex. I tried calling him, he didn't answer, so then I sent a text with the details and asking him to text or call me.

 

An hour later I hadn't heard from him and had to head out, so I tried to call again. By then he had turned his phone off. That's when I lost it.

 

 

 

I agree that this most likely is a core incompatibility. I think our work/family/love values differ. Maybe I was asking for too much when I was trying to pack my bags, book my ticket, etc. But I agree with TheCollector, if I'm not a priority when my grandfather is dying, when exactly am I allowed to ask for support?

 

Well I'm trying to catch up with the whole story. You mentioned he wasn't supportive when you were trying to finish your thesis? How so? I went searching for the thread, but my computer is being horribly slow today.

[Vertex]

Thanks Vertex. I tried calling him, he didn't answer, so then I sent a text with the details and asking him to text or call me.

 

An hour later I hadn't heard from him and had to head out, so I tried to call again. By then he had turned his phone off. That's when I lost it.

 

....

 

But I agree with TheCollector, if I'm not a priority when my grandfather is dying, when exactly am I allowed to ask for support?

 

I would not be okay with this. It's one thing to simply be slow on the pickup, but if he's literally turning his phone off, that's almost a slap in the face -- "I don't care what's happening on your end, don't bother me right now," when it's clear this is important to you. If he's only going to support you at his convenience, it makes me wonder how compatible you guys are in the department of family vs. work prioritizing. Turning off the phone at that point seems very passive-aggressive to me.

[dreamergrl]

I wouldn't be okay with any of it either. I honestly wouldn't. I do think though that there are people who would be. It's a different type of independence.

[Isolde]

One perspective: he's a fair weather friend/boyfriend. He can't deal with stress in his own life therefore, stress in the lives of those he cares about can't be dealt with at all, therefore is ignored.

 

Another perspective: he isn't prioritizing the relationship and seeing it as "serious", perhaps because you two haven't been dating terribly long.

 

Either way, I'm sorry about your grandfather and that this guy doesn't seem to bring to the table what you would do in his place. The turning off his phone thing is pretty cold, since he was probably out of the meeting by then.

 

You talk a lot about being independent, but maybe the type of guy you really want, isn't the type you've been dating.

Have you ever thought about that?

Edited November 6, 2009 by Isolde

[Untouchable_Fire]

Thank you. I would have done the same thing in a heartbeat. My bf hasn't. He ignored my calls 'because he was in a business meeting'.

I want to be with someone who will be there for me when major events are happening in my life. This is the second time bf is absent at a moment when I would have really liked him to be present.

I think I have to break up. It hurts too much.

 

Why didn't you text him?

 

This sounds like your just using this situation to test him.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Thanks Vertex. I tried calling him, he didn't answer, so then I sent a text with the details and asking him to text or call me.

An hour later I hadn't heard from him and had to head out, so I tried to call again. By then he had turned his phone off. That's when I lost it.

 

Ok, so you did text him. At what point did he call you back?

 

I don't fully understand the dynamic of your relationship with this man. If he was just being a jerk... then he would have been a jerk before this... and if that's the case... Why are you dating him?