Men's expectations

[Allthatsloveleigh]

I've noticed, with family members, with my dates/bfs, and with my friend's dates/bfs that men tend to want to be taken care of in a cooking and cleaning and chores sense of the word (not to mention when they get sick).

 

I've noticed that these same men claim that they don't want to be taken care of, that they want an equal partner (usually this is with the caveat or assumption that both partners are working full time. Otherwise men are pretty open about expecting women to do all the housework and so on).

 

Why do men say one thing when they very clearly expect something else? Are they trying to be modern and PC or something? Do they really think that they don't want to be taken care of and that they pull their own weight around the house and with childcare?

 

Disclaimer: From reading this forum, I know I'm going to get jumped all over for this thread. This is NOT an "I hate men, they are so terrible" thread. I think that men and women simply have different needs and expectations (generally speaking). Try not to get offended by what I've said. IT IS MY OPINION BASED ON MY EXPERIENCES AND OBSERVATIONS. I also think that men and women are socialized differently, and anyone that says otherwise is ignorant, or fooling themselves. Yes, there are exceptions to every rule.

[JL911]

Im 26 these are my expectations...

 

I like to feel appreciated first and foremost.....I do a lot to show how much I care and it is really nice when someone looks at you and says, Im so lucky to have you, or you mean so much to me...Or the best one, you make me so happy....

 

I like my freedom...As much as I love being around the girl I am with, I have a lot of hobbies and interests that do not really involve them. I like to be able to partake in them without the feeling that they would like to be included. My alone time is important to me...

 

I like to know where their heart lies...While I know that I am not the only guy in the world and am really flawed and imperfect it is nice to know that the person you are with is into you and only you.

 

Sex...Love it! Need it in a relationship...I in fact like pleasing a woman as much as I enjoy the satisfaction...Sex should be fun...

 

The cooking and cleaning is BS. I love to cook and have made my ladies fabulous meals. Its a lot of fun to cook together and partake in the clean up together. If a girl makes you a pie or cookies that is just a perk and fulfills the need to feel appreciated. It just means she was thinking of you and thought you would enjoy...A phone call to say "I miss you" or "I was thinking about you." is just as great as getting cookies...

[fral945]

I've noticed, with family members, with my dates/bfs, and with my friend's dates/bfs that men tend to want to be taken care of in a cooking and cleaning and chores sense of the word (not to mention when they get sick).

 

I've noticed that these same men claim that they don't want to be taken care of, that they want an equal partner (usually this is with the caveat or assumption that both partners are working full time. Otherwise men are pretty open about expecting women to do all the housework and so on).

 

Why do men say one thing when they very clearly expect something else? Are they trying to be modern and PC or something? Do they really think that they don't want to be taken care of and that they pull their own weight around the house and with childcare?

 

Because they are hypocritical. It is a result of human nature (specifically selfishness). Just like women who claim they want independence and equality in a relationship but expect a man to still open doors and pay for dinners. IMO people are inherently selfish and if they know they can get away with something in a relationship that benefits themselves they will. It is part of human nature, and if we don't make a conscious choice or are raised to be more unselfish it's likely we will exhibit some of that behavior in our relationships.

 

What I would take from that observation is to look for men who are more considerate and less selfish.

 

Disclaimer: From reading this forum, I know I'm going to get jumped all over for this thread. This is NOT an "I hate men, they are so terrible" thread. I think that men and women simply have different needs and expectations (generally speaking). Try not to get offended by what I've said.

 

I'm glad you realize it comes with the territory.

[Allthatsloveleigh]

Well that sounds all nice and romantic, and I'm not trying to be snotty or argumentative.

 

But I'm really referring to situations in which couples are: married, living together, practically (or for all intents and purposes) living together, despite maintaining separate living spaces, or have been together for a looooong time.

 

From what you described, specifically cooking and cleaning up afterward together, it sounds like you're referring to a "newer" relationship. Unless you mean that when you're dating someone long term, if you eat together, you always cook and clean together? Every single time?

 

And when you say that you like to feel appreciated, what do you mean? Specifically what things do your gfs do to make you feel appreciated? Because to be honest with you, when men say that (in long term/living together situations), often they are referring to things like cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. - when women do those "little thoughtful things" for them as favors. In other words, I think that men tend to feel appreciated (or else they say that as a way to get women to keep doing it...) when they are taken care of.

 

Edit: in response to the first poster.

Edited October 29, 2009 by Allthatsloveleigh

[carhill]

Great example OP..... I'm taking care of my mom, about two months post-op for brain surgery. She's still psychotic. Wife's aunt dies; she flies to Florida. While there, she gets Norwalk virus and brings it home and I get it. Still caring for mom, doing housework, working in the shop and hugging the toilet watching the red Jello come back up, then going back to take care of mom. Wife goes back to work. She later says she didn't even realize I was sick.

 

Reason #1 why I don't listen much to women these days and why wife is now stbx

[Allthatsloveleigh]

Great example OP..... I'm taking care of my mom, about two months post-op for brain surgery. She's still psychotic. Wife's aunt dies; she flies to Florida. While there, she gets Norwalk virus and brings it home and I get it. Still caring for mom, doing housework, working in the shop and hugging the toilet watching the red Jello come back up, then going back to take care of mom. Wife goes back to work. She later says she didn't even realize I was sick.

 

Reason #1 why I don't listen much to women these days and why wife is now stbx

 

I'm sorry you're going through all that, that's really rough.

 

To be fair, I did throw in that I realize there are exceptions, and that I know men and women have different needs, are socialized differently, and express themselves differently. Possibly as part of socialization, I do think that women sometimes (often?) "show appreciation" by "caring for" others in certain ways.

 

Nothing against your ex/wife.

[JL911]

Feeling appreciated simply means just feeling like someone of the opposite sex wants you around. It is nice to feel wanted by those you love.

 

I dont believe that a woman should have to handle all that dirty work. Especially in todays society there are a lot of cases where the woman can make more money than her male counterpart.

 

Feeling appreciated to me simply means that you just feel accepted for who you are. The person has no hidden agendas to try to transform you past who you are and accepts every good and bad aspect about you as a whole. Having that sense of comfort means a lot to a male. Knowing that his partner is fully content with him in all aspects of the relationship.

 

I am a strong male and a man's man when it comes to how I live my life...Im not proper and well manicured...Hygene is not always my top priority...I like fishing, hunting, trucks, ect...However I am very sensitive...I am loving, loyal, devoted, honest, and yes very sweet to my gf. She always knows I think she is beautiful, she always knows I think of her, and Im never ashamed or embarassed to wrap my arms around her and kiss her and show her I am happy with her. When those sorts of qualities are reciprocated back to where you know this person is not going to leave me, will always be honest with me, and stand by me through thick and thin...well thats love at its finest.

 

The honeymoon does not last forever in a relationship, so the thought of a new relationship can be thrown away. However, knowing that a year, or 10, or 20 years down the road your partner can still look at you and say I love you, Im lucky to be with such a wonderful man, not to mention still find you incredibly sexy...Well I think that is what we all strive to find in a woman.

 

We try to find one that keep us on our toes, keep us happy, can laugh with us, can enjoy some of the things we do, can tolerate our rough and gruff exterior, be good mothers, and looks at us as a great person without comparing us to anyone...

 

I rememeber when my gf and I started dating she told me..."I feel like you want so much more than just sex" she was so right...

 

THROW THE FOOD AND LAUNDRY LIST AWAY...A relationship is a team aspect...

[GorillaTheater]

I certainly don't expect my wife to do all of the housework.

 

I'm perfectly okay with my kids helping.

[threebyfate]

It's words to actions. People say all kinds of b/s while dating. It's also up to the woman to uphold her boundaries, instead of doing the martyred sigh and bitching and complaining, but allowing the man to get away with not doing his share. Women aren't their partners' mothers.

[Awesome Username]

It's words to actions. People say all kinds of b/s while dating. It's also up to the woman to uphold her boundaries, instead of doing the martyred sigh and bitching and complaining, but allowing the man to get away with not doing his share. Women aren't their partners' mothers.

 

Totally agree with this!

 

I also find in my experience that you have to ask men more often to do stuff like that. It's not that they don't want to help, but a lot of women get angry if they get to the point of "having to ask." Sometimes people just don't notice things around the house as often and if it's not brought up, he might not even think about it.

[threebyfate]

Totally agree with this!

 

I also find in my experience that you have to ask men more often to do stuff like that. It's not that they don't want to help, but a lot of women get angry if they get to the point of "having to ask." Sometimes people just don't notice things around the house as often and if it's not brought up, he might not even think about it.

I agree with this too, although in this, it's not necessarily gender specific. You'll find women who are messier than their partners, for whatever reason.

 

If you recall the situation with my ex, for some reason he started to leave his used socks laying around, which was unusual, considering that he's not a messy person in general. I asked him a few times to put them into the laundry basket but he kept on doing this. So one day, I got fed up and put them on his pillow. He never did it again.

[OpenGL]

Why do men say one thing when they very clearly expect something else?

 

Why do women say they want nice guys then go after bad boys?

 

Why do women say they aren't superficial but have a strict standard list of purely superficial deal breakers?

 

Why do women say they want a confident and secure man when they themselves have a long list of insecurities?

 

Why are women in general hypocrites?

 

See, I can play the same game

[Untouchable_Fire]

Totally agree with this!

I also find in my experience that you have to ask men more often to do stuff like that. It's not that they don't want to help, but a lot of women get angry if they get to the point of "having to ask." Sometimes people just don't notice things around the house as often and if it's not brought up, he might not even think about it.

 

Those are good points. I would like to add, as a guy, I cook, clean, do laundry. I'm self sufficient, and generally keep things clean.

 

However, when a woman asks me to do something... she HAS to realize that I'm going to do it on MY time... not HERS!

 

So, if she winds up asking me 3 times in a day... it's because that task is lower down my priority list. If its higher on hers... she can do it herself. Unless it's my stuff... then her doing it will piss me off royal.

[threebyfate]

Those are good points. I would like to add, as a guy, I cook, clean, do laundry. I'm self sufficient, and generally keep things clean.

 

However, when a woman asks me to do something... she HAS to realize that I'm going to do it on MY time... not HERS!

 

So, if she winds up asking me 3 times in a day... it's because that task is lower down my priority list. If its higher on hers... she can do it herself. Unless it's my stuff... then her doing it will piss me off royal.

That's why leaving them on his pillow worked. It was all on his own time to get rid of them or not...

[phineas]

My wife hardly ever cleaned in our 4 yrs of marriage unless I was cleaning with her.

 

when she shifted to 2nd shift I did ALL the cleaning.

while I was at work she sat on the computer talking to her secret boyfriend instead of taking care of the kids or basically doing anything.

 

She'd run a load of dishes & say "she did dishes" Well la-de-da it takes me all of 5 minutes to load the dishwasher & press a button.

 

She's been out of the house for 8 months & I keep it clean. it's surprising how easy it is when you do a quick sweep of the house every other day or wipe down the counter & stove after cooking instead of letting whatever dripped on it harden.

 

I renovated the house myself.

I am very proud of all the hardwood mouldings I put in.

I murphy oil soap everything every few months.

It takes me all day but it's worth it to me.

 

I installed all the tile myself.

I bought a deck brush to scrub the tiles.

Once or twice a yr i'll bust out the muriatic acid & make those tiles look like new.

 

I keep old toothbrushes to get into the corners.

 

I clean like a man.

with enough pine-sole to make the neighbors eye's water.

[carhill]

I'm sorry you're going through all that, that's really rough.

 

To be fair, I did throw in that I realize there are exceptions, and that I know men and women have different needs, are socialized differently, and express themselves differently. Possibly as part of socialization, I do think that women sometimes (often?) "show appreciation" by "caring for" others in certain ways.

 

Nothing against your ex/wife.

No worries. I have no animosity against her. That incident happened nearly 8 years ago. I was just too dumb and overwhelmed to understand what it and other signs meant.

 

Antithetically, I was socialized with a mother who, like you suggested, did everything for her husband and son, even to the extent of caring for her husband personally as he died of cancer. My father exercised the same care. I saw by example how one cares for ones they love. I never got the parental message that women are expected to care in one way and men in another. I think it's a lesson more people should learn. Communicate and care