redant Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 I have been with my bf for almost a year. We are in our late thirties. Near 40. Anyway we were discussing our and his future plans. Anyway he doesn't have the desire or feeling to have a child. Which is ok, but I'm thinking I have to before it's too late. I could miss out on the joy of a child. I'm just frustrated and feel like giving up. He says he still isn't sure about me since we fight, not alot. That makes me think I'm wasting my time. He said nice things too. But I give up!! Link to post Share on other sites
MrPlayStationMan Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 (edited) Sounds just like me - but I'm half a decade or so younger...! He may never be ready or maybe he just needs a push... You may not want to push and then end up raising a baby on your own, or maybe that's a chance you'd be willing to take to have offspring. You could leave him, or you could threaten to leave and see if that changes things - but if you play that game, be warned about the consequences... or maybe you can give up on the idea of having children and see out the rest of your years in as much comfort as you can afford. My harshest take on life is that today's children may find the future much less inviting and that's something you may not want to subject your siblings to. I never knew my great-grandparents to be able to remember them and they'd have no knowledge of my existence either. The only definite thing anyone can say about having offspring is that they've given themselves someone to care about for a good 18+ years... Given themselves a chance of being cared about in their old(est) years... Given themselves a chance that someone might care enough to bury them according to their wishes and that their gene pool has a chance of some future existence. That's ALL being rather hard - but fair... Edited October 27, 2009 by MrPlayStationMan Link to post Share on other sites
boogieboy Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 Heres a harrsh truth, he never wanted kids. Youre not going to change his mind. Get a guy that wants kids if you think you need them so bad. I say you dont. You can have a great life with out them. Link to post Share on other sites
aerogurl87 Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 Heres a harrsh truth, he never wanted kids. Youre not going to change his mind. Get a guy that wants kids if you think you need them so bad. I say you dont. You can have a great life with out them. I agree with this entire post. He doesn't want kids and he's only saying he maybe wants them to keep you around. So you have two choices 1) accept the reality that he never wants children and deal with it or 2) find someone who wants wants children and leave your boyfriend. That's the only two choices you have and honestly, even at 20 I don't ever want children and I think your boyfriend is smart to not want them either. For me it's for selfish reasons, but there are practical reasons also. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamergrl Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 Don't play any games. That's just childish. If he can't give you what you want, then it's time to leave. Don't try to change a person. Link to post Share on other sites
ADF Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 A man who doesn't want children at 40 doesn't want children, period. When is he going to be "ready?" At 50? 60? Not gonna happen. He's been cruel to you in that he should have just admitted this earlier. Some men don't want kids. They shouldn't string women along and pretend that someday they will. Link to post Share on other sites
boogieboy Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 even at 20 I don't ever want children and I think your boyfriend is smart to not want them either. For me it's for selfish reasons, but there are practical reasons also. Why cant I find more non-child ladies like you? Link to post Share on other sites
dreamergrl Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 A man who doesn't want children at 40 doesn't want children, period. When is he going to be "ready?" At 50? 60? Not gonna happen. He's been cruel to you in that he should have just admitted this earlier. Some men don't want kids. They shouldn't string women along and pretend that someday they will. I don't think he's been cruel. He may not have known what he wants. I thought I wanted kids some day. I've decided I don't, at least at this point in my life... and I'm only 28. I don't see it changing either. Not everyone knows what they want. Link to post Share on other sites
aerogurl87 Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 Why cant I find more non-child ladies like you? Haha seems I'm not alone since Dreamergrl doesn't want children either. For me though, it's selfish reasons and the biggest one being I don't like to share. Yes I want to get married one day, but I do not want to have to give up my time to raising a child. It's like I always tell people with my nephew, I like him because I can always give him back to my sister when I don't want him around anymore. At least I'm honest. Link to post Share on other sites
boogieboy Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 Haha seems I'm not alone since Dreamergrl doesn't want children either. For me though, it's selfish reasons and the biggest one being I don't like to share. Yes I want to get married one day, but I do not want to have to give up my time to raising a child. It's like I always tell people with my nephew, I like him because I can always give him back to my sister when I don't want him around anymore. At least I'm honest. You and DG have inspired me to look into starting a dating website strictly for people who dont want kids. I can see it now...... Link to post Share on other sites
Thornton Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 He doesn't have the desire or feeling to have a child with you. You can bet that if he was with someone else, he'd be ready pretty sharpish! At your age, why are you wasting time with someone who says he still isn't sure about you? The truth is, he isn't sure about you so he isn't going to commit, but he isn't going to break up either, just in case a better option doesn't come along. You're his fall-back option - he isn't completely into you but he doesn't want to lose you either because he's not sure he'll find anything better. If you want kids, you need to get moving before your chance completely vanishes - you already left it very late, perhaps too late. If this guy doesn't want kids with you, either dump him and find someone who does, or resign yourself to never having them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author redant Posted October 27, 2009 Author Share Posted October 27, 2009 Ok you guys are pretty harsh! He says if it happens it happens. This is all confusing because we are happy me and him but I bring this up and then think maybe we are not on same page. It's easy to say breakup dump him, but not easy to do. Link to post Share on other sites
aerogurl87 Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 Ok you guys are pretty harsh! He says if it happens it happens. This is all confusing because we are happy me and him but I bring this up and then think maybe we are not on same page. It's easy to say breakup dump him, but not easy to do. Ok yes it is easier said than done but if you stay with him you're just setting yourself up for failure. 1) He doesn't want kids and you do so you're not gonna be happy without them and he'll be miserable with them. 2) He's not sure about you which means you're a consolation till the real winner comes along, do you really want to be just a consolation prize? So yes it will be hard but if you want to ever find a guy who wants the same things as you, you're going to have to break up eventually and I say better now rather than later. Link to post Share on other sites
boogieboy Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 He says if it happens it happens. That means he isnt going to let it happen...Brace yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamergrl Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 That means he isnt going to let it happen...Brace yourself. Suddenly I started envisioning him slipping birth control pills into her food Really OP... it's not being harsh, it's dealing with reality. You want kids. He does not want kids. Either accept it, or move on to someone who shares the same wants. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 He says he still isn't sure about me since we fight, there is your answer.. it isn't so much that he doesn't want to have kids as much as he isn't all in on the relationship and doesn't feel like you guys have the type of relationship where he would feel more comfortable having kids.. You might want to get to the bottom of this if you really want this relationship to go into parenthood and marriage becuase it seems like he isn't long haul material right now. Link to post Share on other sites
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