Passive agressive behaviors...how to deal with that.

[Clep]

Well I am in a relationship where I am pretty much happy and fulfilled. I know there are bumps in the road like usual but I just realized this morning that those bumps are due to passive aggressive behavior.

 

I have been trying to pinpoint the behaviors of my bf only when he feels wronged. I usually don't know when that happens until the passive agressive behaviors start.

 

Last night he went out and I stayed home. He came to my house after the night was over and let me know he was coming earlier in the evening. I was supposed to go out but didn't end up going. He let me know he had the day off work today which is very rare and wanted to spend it with me. He works 7 days a week and I work lots too. I wake this morning, get out of bed and start my day. Later after he woke I got ready to start the day we had planned together. We didn't make plans but knew we were going to spend the day together. He was laying on my bed listening to music on his bb and asked me what I wanted to do. I told him I didn't have any ideas and asked him if he did. He said no and continued to lay there, eyes closed and not talking for another 20 min. I went about my business until he was ready to get up. My son was to arrive at 5pm from the sitter. He stayed in my room until 5:30pm, got up and said he was going to spend time with his children. What a wasted day together. It is completely uncharacteristic of him to stay in bed all day.

 

It is like if I didn't decide what was going on, wait for him to say no to the things I suggest we weren't doing anything. I feel like he was waiting the whole day for me to go to him, try to fix the situation, make the suggestions and make it happen. I decided to let him waste the day on his own as it became clear after him laying there for another two hours what was going on. There are so many instances of situations like this is is overwhelming.

 

He goes to the door, asks me if I am going to say goodbye to him, says "wow" and nothing more. I ask him what the wow is about, he says nothing and then asks me what is wrong. I say nothing, he says something endearing, kisses me, hugs me and goes on his way.

 

I used to get really upset about these types of things, but now I just do my own thing, leave him to do his. If I am to confront him about his behaviors he says how I am imaging things when there is no possible way that could be the case. I started reading up on passive aggressive behaviors today and he has every symptom, not just a few. I understand completely now after reading up on it for a few hours. I am not happy about dealing with these behaviors in a relationship.

 

Anyone else out there dealt with this from your partner and what did you do about it?

[threebyfate]

Clep, I'm a little confused. Why wouldn't you either crawl back into bed with him or make plans? Is it because he never makes plans and you'd like him to?

[Clep]

Clep, I'm a little confused. Why wouldn't you either crawl back into bed with him or make plans? Is it because he never makes plans and you'd like him to?

I guess because I used to do things like that often, and it seems to me that the relationship was very one sided. If feel like there is a power struggle and I am the one that has to give in or the relationship suffers. I am tired of doing that.

 

He makes plans often, but usually doesn't follow through, or if he does he is about two hours late. I have learned that his behaviors put me in a waiting game, if I allow it.

 

I think that way you have stated often, like I will just be the bigger person, go to him and do what is needed. I am nine times out of ten the bigger person and the control issues are quite a pain in the ass now. I figured for once to just let him feel the results of his choices and move on. He can only play the game with me if I engage.

 

The other issue is if I crawl back into bed, he is not responsive at all. He will lay there with his eyes closed and the responsibility lies with me to start the plans or conversation and keep it going. It is exhausting. He is not always like this. He is either hot or cold, and I am aware which he is within five minutes of being around him. Last night when he crawled into bed he was very affectionate and loving. This morning he is cold again and that continues over and over. I think it is unhealthy for one person to consistently set the tone of the relationship. Maybe I am wrong here and I should just be giving in.

[threebyfate]

I guess because I used to do things like that often, and it seems to me that the relationship was very one sided. If feel like there is a power struggle and I am the one that has to give in or the relationship suffers. I am tired of doing that.

 

He makes plans often, but usually doesn't follow through, or if he does he is about two hours late. I have learned that his behaviors put me in a waiting game, if I allow it.

 

I think that way you have stated often, like I will just be the bigger person, go to him and do what is needed. I am nine times out of ten the bigger person and the control issues are quite a pain in the ass now. I figured for once to just let him feel the results of his choices and move on. He can only play the game with me if I engage.

 

The other issue is if I crawl back into bed, he is not responsive at all. He will lay there with his eyes closed and the responsibility lies with me to start the plans or conversation and keep it going. It is exhausting. He is not always like this. He is either hot or cold, and I am aware which he is within five minutes of being around him. Last night when he crawled into bed he was very affectionate and loving. This morning he is cold again and that continues over and over. I think it is unhealthy for one person to consistently set the tone of the relationship. Maybe I am wrong here and I should just be giving in.

Okay, it makes more sense now that you've expanded on why his attitude bothers you.

 

Have you discussed these issues with him? Perhaps you need someone who's consistently affectionate, within a relationship. He sounds moody.

[Clep]

Okay, it makes more sense now that you've expanded on why his attitude bothers you.

 

Have you discussed these issues with him? Perhaps you need someone who's consistently affectionate, within a relationship. He sounds moody.

 

I have discussed it with him often. He says I am imagining things, finding things to complain about. There are times he will respond very positive to what I am saying, and other times when he says I am imaging things. His response is also dependent on his mood. I know what I want and most of the time have that with him. It seems to me that when things are going quite well for us, he will create something just to keep a bit of distance. I think he is afraid of intimacy personally.

 

I am hopeful that in leaving him to sulk alone like today without it affecting my day he will quit, as he will not be getting the desired results from me, and his behaviors will only be putting him out.

[threebyfate]

I have discussed it with him often. He says I am imagining things, finding things to complain about. There are times he will respond very positive to what I am saying, and other times when he says I am imaging things. His response is also dependent on his mood. I know what I want and most of the time have that with him. It seems to me that when things are going quite well for us, he will create something just to keep a bit of distance. I think he is afraid of intimacy personally.

 

I am hopeful that in leaving him to sulk alone like today without it affecting my day he will quit, as he will not be getting the desired results from me, and his behaviors will only be putting him out.

If he's truly passive aggressive, ignoring him will only step up his bad behaviours. The only problem is that once again, if he's truly passive aggressive, confronting him will only step up his bad behaviours as well.

 

What I found effective towards passive aggressives is to walk away and leave them to their happiness or unhappiness.

 

In essence, you can't control another's behaviour. You can ask them for anything and if they won't provide, it's up to you to decide if it's worthwhile maintaining the relationship or not.

[Clep]

If he's truly passive aggressive, ignoring him will only step up his bad behaviours. The only problem is that once again, if he's truly passive aggressive, confronting him will only step up his bad behaviours as well.

 

What I found effective towards passive aggressives is to walk away and leave them to their happiness or unhappiness.

 

In essence, you can't control another's behaviour. You can ask them for anything and if they won't provide, it's up to you to decide if it's worthwhile maintaining the relationship or not.

Is it wise to share with him that I feel his behaviors are passive aggressive? I feel pretty sad at the thought of leaving him.

[threebyfate]

Is it wise to share with him that I feel his behaviors are passive aggressive? I feel pretty sad at the thought of leaving him.

I don't have the answer for this. All you can do is to try to discuss it and see where it takes you.

 

Putting a passive aggressive on the defensive, is an exercise in frustration. So maybe you can create a safe harbour for him, then approach it in a gentle way.

[Clep]

I have discussed it often, but couldn't put my finger on what it was. I think I am going to hit the local book store and purchase a book about this subject before making any moves. The relationship is quite important to me and after reading up on it today, I realize that is the root of any upset I have ever had with him. Hmmm. Will see what insight I can gain from my reading and go from there. Thank you for your input.

[threebyfate]

A great idea to research it more. I don't have the patience to handle something like this. Perhaps you do. Good luck and you're welcome!

[SoulSearch_CO]

A great idea to research it more. I don't have the patience to handle something like this. Perhaps you do. Good luck and you're welcome!

That's what I was thinking. It sounds rather childish and I got exhausted just reading about it. If he's going to ACT childish, then perhaps he needs to be treated like a child. This might sound strange, but Clep, have you ever heard of Love & Logic? You might want to get familiar with the concepts of it in order to try and have a healthy relationship with this man. It's a parenting method, but it seriously is what came up for me when I was thinking, "How in the hell do you deal with this?" Good luck.

[Clep]

That's what I was thinking. It sounds rather childish and I got exhausted just reading about it. If he's going to ACT childish, then perhaps he needs to be treated like a child. This might sound strange, but Clep, have you ever heard of Love & Logic? You might want to get familiar with the concepts of it in order to try and have a healthy relationship with this man. It's a parenting method, but it seriously is what came up for me when I was thinking, "How in the hell do you deal with this?" Good luck.

 

I actually run a day home for children and deal with them all day. I use love and logic regularly. Interesting you should mention that. Yesterday that was what I was working on I guess. Allowing him to feel the natural consequence of his actions by being the only one to waste his day, as I sure wasn't. He called me last night, everything was normal. He was not angry at all, was endearing as always. I guess after reading about passive aggressive behaviors I feel quite freed now. I don't feel frustrated with some of his behaviors now. I can just let him be passive aggressive on his own. I do have a great deal of patience.

 

I tried to look up passive aggressive books at the local bookstore but they don't have any. I will try the local library today and will order some through the bookstore. After taking that route I will then have more insight to decide if staying with him will be a positive route for me or not. Time and knowledge will tell.

[eric82]

Did you ever think that maybe since he's working all the time, he would rather lay in bed with you all day and relax on his day off than go out and do stuff?

 

To me it doesn't sound like he was expecting you to 'fix' anything. It sounds like he was just resting and staying neutral because he was tired and didn't feel like going anywhere.

 

The problem seems to exist in how you want certain things (for instance, more initiative from him to engage in conversations, lead the decision-making and take you places) but you're having trouble communicating this to him in ways he understands, especially in terms of their importance to you. What I mean is, yeah you've probably already told him many times that you want more of this or that, but maybe he doesn't see how important it is to keeping you happy in the relationship because whenever such situations arise, you tend to cave in and take the driver's seat instead of pressing him to step up and meet your needs.

 

If something is a really big deal to you, then you need to confront it in the moment and not back down. If you want him to take you out instead of lounging in bed all day, discuss it in direct terms, listen to his reasons and find mutual ground. Don't just ask him what does he want to do and when he answers "I don't know," leave the room expecting to somehow teach him a lesson or make him feel what you feel.

 

When you say you're allowing him to feel the natural consequences of wasting his day, what I really hear is you're trying to use passive-aggressiveness to get your needs in the relationship across. It's no wonder you're projecting it onto him whenever things don't go your way.

 

See the real issue here is the misinterpretations and lack of effective communication on both your parts, not which person is more passive-aggressive or more to blame. It's a two-way street. Instead of distancing yourself, bottling your emotions and expecting him to somehow catch on and learn, you need to figure out better ways to communicate your needs. You need to determine what specific changes you yourself can make that will facilitate the changes you're wanting in the relationship. Instead of blaming his 'moodiness' for your discontent, acknowledge your part in it. Maybe once you figure out why you have been avoiding confrontations and accepting what's obviously unacceptable to you, you can start to understand how to better communicate with your partner and bridge the gap that both of your actions have been creating.

Edited October 26, 2009 by eric82

[threebyfate]

Did you ever think that maybe since he's working all the time, he would rather lay in bed with you all day and relax on his day off than go out and do stuff?

 

To me it doesn't sound like he was expecting you to 'fix' anything. It sounds like he was just resting and staying neutral because he was tired and didn't feel like going anywhere.

 

The problem seems to exist in how you want certain things (for instance, more initiative from him to engage in conversations, lead the decision-making and take you places) but you're having trouble communicating this to him in ways he understands, especially in terms of their importance to you. What I mean is, yeah you've probably already told him many times that you want more of this or that, but maybe he doesn't see how important it is to keeping you happy in the relationship because whenever such situations arise, you tend to cave in and take the driver's seat instead of pressing him to step up and meet your needs.

 

If something is a really big deal to you, then you need to confront it in the moment and not back down. If you want him to take you out instead of lounging in bed all day, discuss it in direct terms, listen to his reasons and find mutual ground. Don't just ask him what does he want to do and when he answers "I don't know," leave the room expecting to somehow teach him a lesson or make him feel what you feel.

 

When you say you're allowing him to feel the natural consequences of wasting his day, what I really hear is you're trying to use passive-aggressiveness to get your needs in the relationship across. It's no wonder you're projecting it onto him whenever things don't go your way.

 

See the real issue here is the misinterpretations and lack of effective communication on both your parts, not which person is more passive-aggressive or more to blame. It's a two-way street. Instead of distancing yourself, bottling your emotions and expecting him to somehow catch on and learn, you need to figure out better ways to communicate your needs. You need to determine what specific changes you yourself can make that will facilitate the changes you're wanting in the relationship. Instead of blaming his 'moodiness' for your discontent, acknowledge your part in it. Maybe once you figure out why you have been avoiding confrontations and accepting what's obviously unacceptable to you, you can start to understand how to better communicate with your partner and bridge the gap that both of your actions have been creating.

I would strongly agree with this, if he's not passive-aggressive. If he's truly passive-aggressive, asking will get you an increase of bad behaviours, magnified by ten-fold.

[Clep]

Did you ever think that maybe since he's working all the time, he would rather lay in bed with you all day and relax on his day off than go out and do stuff?

 

To me it doesn't sound like he was expecting you to 'fix' anything. It sounds like he was just resting and staying neutral because he was tired and didn't feel like going anywhere.

 

The problem seems to exist in how you want certain things (for instance, more initiative from him to engage in conversations, lead the decision-making and take you places) but you're having trouble communicating this to him in ways he understands, especially in terms of their importance to you. What I mean is, yeah you've probably already told him many times that you want more of this or that, but maybe he doesn't see how important it is to keeping you happy in the relationship because whenever such situations arise, you tend to cave in and take the driver's seat instead of pressing him to step up and meet your needs.

 

If something is a really big deal to you, then you need to confront it in the moment and not back down. If you want him to take you out instead of lounging in bed all day, discuss it in direct terms, listen to his reasons and find mutual ground. Don't just ask him what does he want to do and when he answers "I don't know," leave the room expecting to somehow teach him a lesson or make him feel what you feel.

 

When you say you're allowing him to feel the natural consequences of wasting his day, what I really hear is you're trying to use passive-aggressiveness to get your needs in the relationship across. It's no wonder you're projecting it onto him whenever things don't go your way.

 

See the real issue here is the misinterpretations and lack of effective communication on both your parts, not which person is more passive-aggressive or more to blame. It's a two-way street. Instead of distancing yourself, bottling your emotions and expecting him to somehow catch on and learn, you need to figure out better ways to communicate your needs. You need to determine what specific changes you yourself can make that will facilitate the changes you're wanting in the relationship. Instead of blaming his 'moodiness' for your discontent, acknowledge your part in it. Maybe once you figure out why you have been avoiding confrontations and accepting what's obviously unacceptable to you, you can start to understand how to better communicate with your partner and bridge the gap that both of your actions have been creating.

 

I have done the suggestions you have made. When I have done those things I am accused of being pushy, controlling and yakking. He has been like this since I have met him. I have read all the books on relationships, communication and more. I have done exactly what you have mentioned with no results in this area. Of course he was not like this the first two months. That is my real concern. If he was not like this then, his behaviors are a choice, not unconscious. He says he is tired of going through the same old thing time and time again, doesn't want to hear complaints about it. There are other times when he knows I am fed up with it that he will let me know he needs to work on communication, but fails to mention it again or do anything to bring about any change. I read about that exact same thing too.

 

We have gone through this same scenario numerous times. He says nothing, lays on the bed, I provide many suggestions, he shoots them all down, I finally say well pick from one of them or come up with your own, he says I am being difficult, leaves in a huff and we don't go anywhere.

 

I have communicated, kept a running tab in my journal about the different ways I have tried and all the ways I have tried for no less than a two week period with each one. I have listed the results in an effort to see where I may be going wrong and what I can possibly fix. I have done this for years and look at my journal every six months to see my progress in areas of my life, or lack of progress. I don't see much more I can do except read about the subject and do my best to tackle that directly. What I did see last night in reading my journal is a great deal of this behavior from him, and me falling right into it. I think I need to change the way I deal with it and if that doesn't get rid if the problem get rid of him.

 

I hear what you are saying but disagree. It leaves little room for him to communicate his needs. That is also a part of the problem. Expecting me to assume and if I assume wrong then I am inconsiderate, selfish or other. I think if that was really the case he could just say that he wants to just stay in bed for the day. What he likes is for me to be constantly going to him and trying to make the situation work, to be completely involved with him even in my own mind and thoughts. He is then in complete control of the situation. There is not a doubt in my mind that is the way it is. I chose to leave his situation to him this time. That is not passive aggressive I don't think, it is just doing my own thing and not basing my day around him. If he wants to communicate something to me, he knows where I am.