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How do I avoid a bounce-back?


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Old 19th October 2009, 10:37 PM   #1
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How do I avoid a bounce-back?

How can I avoid a bounce-back?
Hello all,

I have separated from my "wife" after she had two affairs, and I am very happy with my decision. I want to thank everyone here on the forum's for your help and support through this. I had a vicious rollercoaster ride of emotion, and now I'm very happy I decided to leave and move on.

Here's my newest dilemma... how do I prevent jumping into something too serious too fast? I met a girl one night while hanging out with my friends (first woman I felt was STUNNING since my wife), and we exchanged numbers and now talk on the phone on a regular basis. I met her very soon after my issues with my wife, and I'm worried it's moving too fast. The obvious answer is "then slow it down!", but it's hard. Let me try to explain:

This new girl is amazing. She's beautiful, smart, funny, sarcastic (right up my alley) and just really fun to talk to. We come from different cultural/ethnic backrounds, but still have the same sense of humor and taste in music, movies, TV, etc. I'm really into her, and I definitely would date her exclusively had I been coming out of a different situation.

We both have some baggage. Mine is obvious, her's not as bad as mine... but it's baggage regardless. I've already told her multiple times "I don't want a girlfriend, a bounce-back, a new wife, etc... I just want to be friends, hang out and have a good time"... When I first told her this she got really excited saying thats all she wants too and she was nervous that I wouldn't be okay with that.

So now that I've gone out with her a few times, I find myself wanting to see her more and I know she is feeling the same way. I feel like we are both saying we want something, but are acting like we want something else.

I'm only 24, and because of how long I've been with my ex, I feel like I've never been truly single. I like the feeling A LOT, and I want to explore that for a while, and really I don't feel like I'm ready to give out my heart again. I'm still too fragile for that. It's just hard because she's so easy to talk to (I avoid talking to her about my ex, but she knows the situation. We just kind of shoot the breeze and she always makes me feel REALLY good).

I'm seeing her again this week... Am I being stupid? I don't want to hurt either of us by moving too fast.

Please help me out here, let me know if you have any additional questions. Thanks LS!
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Old 19th October 2009, 10:43 PM   #2
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IDK, for me it's pretty easy. I just don't pursue women. I'm not universally attractive so women aren't throwing themselves at me. I spend time working on myself, catching up on projects and spending time with friends.

Everyone is different. I couldn't (can't) manage a healthy intimate relationship whilst dealing with divorce and, in my case, the decline and death of my mother. I just don't feel it's fair to a decent woman to put her through that. Not being married, YMMV and good luck

Last edited by carhill; 19th October 2009 at 10:45 PM..
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Old 19th October 2009, 11:22 PM   #3
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IDK, for me it's pretty easy. I just don't pursue women. I'm not universally attractive so women aren't throwing themselves at me. I spend time working on myself, catching up on projects and spending time with friends.

Everyone is different. I couldn't (can't) manage a healthy intimate relationship whilst dealing with divorce and, in my case, the decline and death of my mother. I just don't feel it's fair to a decent woman to put her through that. Not being married, YMMV and good luck

I hear you. I kind of wish I hadn't met her, but now that I have it's tough. I don't want to like someone, and I like her. weird timing.
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Old 19th October 2009, 11:42 PM   #4
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Liking her doesn't mean you have to do anything about it. Trust me, I've lived that test.

But, at twice your age, my perspective is a bit different. Have fun
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Old 20th October 2009, 1:43 AM   #5
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Hello that guy! im your future ex! ok not really but seriously, that girl your seeing might end up being in the place im at if u continue this!

My ex was in the same place you are when we met. We had pretty much the same story you are having with your girl.

Unfortunately, the fact that he was still dealing with the anger of his ex cheating on him got in the way and ofcourse I ended up getting hurt. And so did he.

My current thoughts are, well for one I didnt need this, but again I knew what i was getting into. But mostly, i think about him and how he DEFINITELY didnt need this ON TOP of what he was already going thru. We got along perfectly well, we even talked about marriage someday, but the truth was, he just wasnt ready for this. As good as it was, his heart and mind werent ready to let go of past hurts and let himself really get involved.

Sounds like you're in that same place....and honestly, i tell you, you do not need to get so involved with someone and then have it come crashing down because you discover you cant trust her because of what happened to you before. Deal with it, heal, and THEN pursue something serious with her or any other girl....but right now do her and yourself a favor and STOP.

You're welcome to search my threads, where the whole story begining to end is written.....kind of a window into your (and her) possible future!

good luck
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Old 20th October 2009, 1:54 AM   #6
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4givrnt4gtr - thanks for sharing. thats my number one concern. I don't want to hurt either of us in the process. It's been a long time since I had some female attention/affection, and she gives me what I need so it screws with my head. I hate feeling lonely and by myself =(

I could always meet some floozies at the bars/clubs for a quick fix, but thats never really been my style even though I'm honestly not too bad at it. Those kinds of girls never really did much for me.

It's just a shame because I really like this girl. Maybe I can just keep things at a slow pace and not rush into anything crazy... easier said than done though.
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Old 20th October 2009, 2:27 AM   #7
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Maybe I can just keep things at a slow pace and not rush into anything crazy... easier said than done though.
Ask her what she wants, since she's disclosed about your baggage......and accept that.
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Old 20th October 2009, 10:37 AM   #8
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Ask her what she wants, since she's disclosed about your baggage......and accept that.
She says she doesn't want anything serious either. She has told me she isn't looking for a boyfriend or anything like that, she just wants to "hang out", have a good time with me, just be friends and see where it goes. That was said before we've gone out for a few dates. Maybe I should check back in with her.
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Old 20th October 2009, 11:43 AM   #9
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Ask her if she can 'hang out' and have sex with someone without becoming emotionally involved. I say this because, at your age, in your circumstance, if you find her attractive, you will pursue her sexually. It's a given. You may be able to disconnect your emotions from sex but do not assume that she can. So, IMO, for this to have a healthy outcome, either you agree that there's no sex and stick to that agreement, or you mutually assure each other, with follow-ups, that sexual activity isn't impelling feelings of love and attachment. Watch for her actions to match her words.

Like I often say, listen to what a female says, but watch very carefully what she does. Her actions define her truth. Best wishes
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