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Living with Parents, Supporting Them, Issues with Dating


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Old 15th October 2009, 2:33 PM   #1
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Unhappy Living with Parents, Supporting Them, Issues with Dating

This may be a mental confidence thing. I'm 28.

I bought my own house a year and half ago in a nice area, I can take care of my own things, got a great paying job as a software engineer.

About a year ago my parents business structure caught on fire, insurance is not paying, they were devastated, and they are without a job and need to rebuild. I am helping them until they get back to their feet.

I moved back into their home, rented my place out to a family.

Problem is, dating is hard. Whenever a girl asks about my living situation, and I say at home with parents supporting them for now. They never look past that, they go .. "Oh... strange ok..."

Most of them don't look past the "living with folks" part, they don't even listen to my explaination. Not very fair...

In the past, I lived with my parents to save money to buy this house. I actually didn't have too hard of a time finding a girlfriend. Obviously things didn't work out for other reasons. Now I feel somehow more helpless.

The feeling of a 28 year old man living at home with parents in this country. I'm Chinese and grew up here in the States, but I know that back in china family values is priority one and things like this is not looked down upon.

I feel i have a big disadvantage and getting kind of depressed actually. I feel like I have to explain the above story to everyone who asks about my living situation in order for them to think i'm not a weird guy. What gives?

Anyway to mentally cope with this?
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Old 15th October 2009, 2:53 PM   #2
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think of it as a means of screening the women you date. Someone who is compassionate will listen to your explanation about supporting your parents as they struggle through this challenge, and it's not going to make her think any less of you for your decision to live with them.
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Old 15th October 2009, 2:55 PM   #3
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I'm 26 and I'm living with my folks now and helping them. The bottom line is if a female has a problem with my family and me helping them out, she isn't worth my time. Family comes first, and she isn't gonna get between family because in the end family is all you got. Who's gonna be more likely to help you out in a jam, your family or this chick? That's a question you gotta ask yourself.
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Old 15th October 2009, 3:09 PM   #4
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I feel ya, 27 living at home helping my parents while they go though some heath issues. My Dad is just recovering from lung cancer and my Mom is having ongoing problems with her knee which has left her out of work for the last year.

I know what it's like to get that "weirdo" look when you say I live with my parents. But I agree with what's been said, if a woman can't understand the reasons you live with your family and looks down on you for it, she is not worth your time. Just give it time, you'll eventually run across a women who sees your commitment to your family as the positive charter trait it is.
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Old 15th October 2009, 3:09 PM   #5
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think of it as a means of screening the women you date. Someone who is compassionate will listen to your explanation about supporting your parents as they struggle through this challenge, and it's not going to make her think any less of you for your decision to live with them.
I second this.

I'm 26, also chinese and also live at home. I'm female....and I'm actually looking to date a guy who loves his family as much as you do. To me, a guy who supports his family is a huge turn on
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Old 15th October 2009, 3:19 PM   #6
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People your age end up living with their parents for many reasons.
Sure, who wouldnt prefer a guy that was obviously independent...but that may not be your biggest obstacle to dating.

You mentioned living with them previously to save money and having no problem dating at that time...

But that now you do. Could it be that because you feel a bit burdened with this obligation, it is affecting your demeanor ? The way we feel inside about ourselves and circumstance often is reflected to others someway.

Say it confidently "I live back with my folks right now. We help each other out." Leave it at that. Offer no explanations until you are asked a question.
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Old 15th October 2009, 3:23 PM   #7
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To me, a guy who supports his family is a huge turn on

isn't that the truth? Something about a guy's depth of compassion toward his family can sometimes be very humbling. Last year, we were told that my dad wouldn't live to see Easter (which was March 23), so my sister and I took turns caring for him in our childhood home. His "expiration date" came and went, my sister got really sick and couldn't come back to care for him, and I'd used up all my vacation time. So my husband offered to help care for my dad. That went on until August, and by that time, he convinced Dad to move in with us, in another part of the state.

to me, it's not that my husband can fork out money to buy whatever crap we need or want, but that he's unselfish about helping someone in need. That compassion is a HUGE selling point with me, and OP, I'm thinking the right girl is also gonna see that in you and treasure it.

and you do realize that this love and help you are giving your parents will result in their own blessings? They will come back to you tenfold
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Old 15th October 2009, 3:23 PM   #8
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think of it as a means of screening the women you date. Someone who is compassionate will listen to your explanation about supporting your parents as they struggle through this challenge, and it's not going to make her think any less of you for your decision to live with them.

Quakanne has a good point, use it as a weeding process. The one who won't have an issue with your living arrangements is the one you ultimately want. Who cares what the other shalow women think?
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Old 15th October 2009, 3:24 PM   #9
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Hey thanks for all the valid inspirations. Ya you guys are right, if an adult woman cannot understand a grown man taking care of his family and if she puts her issues before that... then she is not worth my time.

I mean later on in the future if family's elderly needs help, i wouldn't turn them away... and neither would I expect my mate to do the same with her parents or my parents.

Thanks!

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Old 15th October 2009, 4:17 PM   #10
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You mentioned living with them previously to save money and having no problem dating at that time...

But that now you do. Could it be that because you feel a bit burdened with this obligation, it is affecting your demeanor ? The way we feel inside about ourselves and circumstance often is reflected to others someway.

Say it confidently
This. Sounds like you've lost your confidence in your life choices, and it's the lack of confidence which is turning the girls away...

Also - you could always lead off with "I own my own place, but I'm renting it out at the moment"...

And... the phrase "supporting my parents" (reading the title of this post) makes me think you've signed up for a life-time commitment for elderly /infirm parents... That would be a red-flag to me as a casual dater... Sure I like compassionate guys, and would want a guy who would help support our parents at the right time of our lives but I'd be wary of a guy who had picked up that never-ending responsibility 20 years earlier than his age would suggest...

Since this is not a long-term thing, just be careful how you word it: "I'm temporarily needed back at the family home, but expect to be back in my place within the year..."

If it was a long-term thing (for anyone else out there in that situation), just don't bring it up on the first date, when the girl has not seen enough other things about you to balance this issue... Same as any other 'less than normal' criteria - it's not relevant on the first few dates...
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Old 15th October 2009, 4:20 PM   #11
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[QUOTE=seoa;2437255]Since this is not a long-term thing, just be careful how you word it: "I'm temporarily needed back at the family home, but expect to be back in my place within the year..."

That sounds great!
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