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Men are like Rubber Bands - true or not?


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Old 21st September 2009, 10:04 PM   #1
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Men are like Rubber Bands - true or not?

In the book Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, the authors says that men go through a cylce where after some time they have to distant themselves away so as to balance their intimacy with their SO with their own sense of autonomy. For example, in the first 5 months of a RS, a man will be very into a girl, but after that 5 months the guy may pull away for a month and act distant...but the author says it's nothing to do with the girl, just that the guy needs space. But a girl often takes this distancing personally and panics.

For those whose been in LTRs, has anyone seen this pattern at all? Or is this author just full of BS.
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Old 21st September 2009, 10:10 PM   #2
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That book is crap. It only got famous because of a catchy name, and it was one of the first to explore the differences between men and women.

The answer is this:

Normal men need space. After they're done chasing the type of relationship that is the healthiest is like dating your best friend, and you rarely swamp your best friend with too much attention.

Jerks back off because they're going back to their baseline personality, which is they just don't give a crap.
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Old 21st September 2009, 10:18 PM   #3
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I've seen it once, out of the men I've gotten involved with. Like any book that wants to make money, blanket generalizations don't cover all individuals.

The interesting coincidence, is that the one guy who pulled this on me, was an alpha-beta. The alpha guys never did this.
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Old 21st September 2009, 10:20 PM   #4
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I've seen it once, out of the men I've gotten involved with. Like any book that wants to make money, blanket generalizations don't cover all individuals.

The interesting coincidence, is that the one guy who pulled this on me, was an alpha-beta. The alpha guys never did this.
Huh? There's alpha males and beta males. What's an alpha-beta?
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Old 21st September 2009, 10:23 PM   #5
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Huh? There's alpha males and beta males. What's an alpha-beta?
A guy who displays both characteristics, reliant on the situation.

So, to add to this, it was also a lack of being "all in" with this alpha-beta so it makes sense that he would be inconsistent aka rubber-banding.
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Old 21st September 2009, 11:57 PM   #6
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My SO needs a little alone-time every once in a while, but so do I. I think most people do. I've never experienced the "rubber banding" thing with anyone though.
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Old 22nd September 2009, 12:43 PM   #7
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I think a lot of healthy relationships 'rubber band'. You go through cycles when both are tight and intimate. Then cycles when you .. I wouldn't use the word distance but spend less time together and aren't connected at the waist. Niether gets too bothered because they have other interests and people outside of the romantic relationship.
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Old 22nd September 2009, 1:49 PM   #8
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I dont think highly of this book (yes, Ive read it). I thought a lot of it sounded off, or just plain wrong. People do need their space, but Ive never acted distant for long periods of time instead of telling my partner 'hey ive got some stuff to take care of X days, but we can hang out Y'

The author makes it seem like people just do stuff like this subconciously.
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Old 22nd September 2009, 1:54 PM   #9
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I think a lot of healthy relationships 'rubber band'. You go through cycles when both are tight and intimate. Then cycles when you .. I wouldn't use the word distance but spend less time together and aren't connected at the waist. Niether gets too bothered because they have other interests and people outside of the romantic relationship.
Everyone needs space and should have a life outside ANY relationship, including marriage. But pulling back with no explanation, for extended lengths of time, is abusive behaviour and falls within the realm of incredibly selfish. It's definitely not the norm in men, or at least the men that I know. The most selfish man I've ever met, which was my NPD ex-H, never did that.
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Old 22nd September 2009, 2:01 PM   #10
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But pulling back with no explanation, for extended lengths of time, is abusive behaviour and falls within the realm of incredibly selfish.
Selfish, sure, but abusive? That's a pretty powerful statement. Whacking someone across the chops is abusive. Raping their bank account is abusive. Boiling their bunny is abusive. But pulling back out of the relationship?
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Old 22nd September 2009, 2:06 PM   #11
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I've been thinking a lot about this since I came across this thread. I realize now that every relationship I've been in (other than my current one) has had a certain level of rubber-banding involved. I always thought it was normal, and expected... (and I'm not entirely sure it's NOT), but I have to admit that BF's consistency was a very welcomed breath of fresh air.
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Old 22nd September 2009, 2:08 PM   #12
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Selfish, sure, but abusive? That's a pretty powerful statement. Whacking someone across the chops is abusive. Raping their bank account is abusive. Boiling their bunny is abusive. But pulling back out of the relationship?
Yup, abusive. It's a form of passive-aggressive behaviour.
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Old 22nd September 2009, 2:14 PM   #13
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Yup, abusive. It's a form of passive-aggressive behaviour.
Wow. That's a pretty liberal use of an incendiary term.

So I guess that when a woman withholds sex from a man, that's abusive too? Passive-aggressive behavior and all that...

Reason I mention it is that using the term so liberally like that tends to weaken the meaning. I don't think that's your intent at all, but I do think that by throwing the term around so easily like that, we risk watering it down so much that it becomes almost meaningless. Therefore, virtually any passive-aggressive behavior (the silent treatment, for example) is labelled as abusive, which is light-years away from financial or physical abuse, which in my opinion denigrates the disastrous effects of what I would term "real" abuse.

But maybe that's a topic for a different thread.

As far as the OP goes, blanket generalizations ("Men are like Rubber Bands") simply don't hold water. Everyone is an individual, and while there are similarities between individuals, painting all of one gender (or race, or hairstyle or fingernail length) with a broad brush simply isn't reflective of reality. (<---- on topic to the original post bit! )
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Old 22nd September 2009, 2:15 PM   #14
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Bs

I've read the book. The author, John Gray was married to another famous "relationship expert", and they're divorced, that shows you how much he knows about relationships. I think he has latent homosexuality issues and has a chick-view of the world.
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Old 22nd September 2009, 2:26 PM   #15
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Wow. That's a pretty liberal use of an incendiary term.
If a man needs to retreat into his cave for extended lengths of time, a simple "I have some issues to address, which have nothing to do with our relationship, which I need to handle on my own", is sufficient. Beyond that, to disappear with no explanation, is abusive.

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So I guess that when a woman withholds sex from a man, that's abusive too? Passive-aggressive behavior and all that...
Since I stated this in JamesM thread, yes, if sex is being withheld for passive-aggressive reasons.

Last edited by Trialbyfire; 22nd September 2009 at 2:33 PM.. Reason: It helps to complete a sentence.
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