Mahatma Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 This Saturday my girlfriend is going to her dads/many other family member's birthday party. They all celebrate on one day basically. Most of her father's side of the family is coming. I have been dating her for a good 15 months and I used to eat dinner with her family (mom, dad, her, me) 3 or more times in a week. I have spent a TON of time with her immediate family. I, however, have no interest in meeting her extended family and "partying" with a bunch of people who I don't know and who don't know me. She wants me to meet the rest of her family though. I don't like to even spend time with my extended family. Personally, if I do not even know your name, I shouldn't have to fake my interest in you. Anyways, what do you people think? I personally do not want to go. I have told her countless times that I do not want to go and exactly why, yet she keeps asking. Every time we have done stuff like this before, she has left me to just sit there and have nothing to say. They talk about family stuff and I have nothing to contribute. This is just how their family seems to be. The last big dinner I had with her family, it was me, her, her mom, her dad, her brother (22 yrs old), and his girlfriend (21 yrs old). It ended up being a 3 hour dinner (30 minutes of eating, 2 hours 30 of talking). When the talking started, it was all about family stuff. Stuff that neither I, or her brother's girlfriend could contribute to. Both me and her ended up just sitting there saying nothing for most of the time. It is simply NOT enjoyable at all for me to do big family events with her. It is not like I do not know her parents or that she does not know mine. I have spent A LOT of time with her family. Like I said, I used to eat with her family 3-4 times a week and talk with them a lot, so we are close (now me and my girlfriend are going to college and live in an apartment about 45 mins away). I do not mind eating with them or going places with them or things like that. I just have no interest in meeting her relatives, not to mention I do not want to just sit around with nothing to say or do. Link to post Share on other sites
New Again Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 I do this a lot too - I'm like you and the brother's gf who has nothing to contribute to the conversation. The most recent time this happened was a birthday dinner. The reason I do it? It's important to my bf, and since we're serious about each other, I want to be at these things, regardless of how awkward or uncomfortable they sometimes make me. Depending on the situation (small dinner), I'll bring a small gift, like flowers, for my bf's mom or something. At the very least it's polite, it looks good, and I can be involved in the conversation for a bit before they start talking about family stuff I know nothing about. Sometimes, if it's an incredibly awkward situation, and drinking is appropriate, I'll have a couple drinks - not enough to get drunk, but enough so I'm much more chatty and feel more comfortable jumping into a conversation or changing the subject so I can be included. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mahatma Posted September 15, 2009 Author Share Posted September 15, 2009 If only I could drink. I am only 19. I could pre-game before going there, but that wouldn't be good to show up tipsy. Along the lines of drinking, her dad's side is big on drinking. Her dad is borderline alcoholic. Me and my girlfriend would be the only two people there NOT drunk after about an hour. Link to post Share on other sites
New Again Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 If only I could drink. I am only 19. I could pre-game before going there, but that wouldn't be good to show up tipsy. Along the lines of drinking, her dad's side is big on drinking. Her dad is borderline alcoholic. Me and my girlfriend would be the only two people there NOT drunk after about an hour. Oh that's poopy Sometimes lots of coffee (caffeine) has the same effect on me It's not fun to be around a bunch of drunk people when you're stone sober. Unless you have a camera with a video recorder. Ha! Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 The lack of wanting to mix with people you don't know is a cop out IMO. You have to mix to GET TO KNOW them. I think you are a reserved person, a bit shy and not really talkative. Having to mix with a group of people that don't already accept you, makes you feel over exposed. It doesn't put you at ease so you don't enjoy it. You probably prefer to have people you already accept and who already accept you, bring around a new person every once in a while and they can become absorbed by the group. If they don't like you, you feel more empowered to tell them to eff off if they don't like you. In this way, you use your friends as buffers for new people. But you can't do that in someone else's territory with only one person (who is related to the others) who might choose that moment to not be in your corner. You are a territorial person. People and places become "yours". You perceive her family to be "others" or, at best, "hers" and not yours so it makes you uncomfortable. It doesn't make you a bad person. Just a different person. Where you're screwing up is to not even try even though learning to mix with new people can be a quality that, once learned, can be quite beneficial in many different areas. Like occupational situations - gaining new clients, warming up investors, bidding for open contracts. Like blending two families should you ever get married. You can choose to turn away from your family if you want, but are you going to expect anyone who marries you to drop their family or make it hard for them to maintain a connection with their family? Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 Mahatma, how do you propose to get to know her extended family so you do feel like you fit in, without more exposure to them? Link to post Share on other sites
Lish Posted September 16, 2009 Share Posted September 16, 2009 Your girlfriend is going about this all wrong. My ex felt the same way you do.. I have a very very large family.. and he was dead set on not going but my more extended family really wanted to meet him.. so I had to find a motivational strategy that would convince him to come along. The thought of me in a police uniform seemed to do the trick so if you're sexually active with her, you could maybe make light of the situation and say 'right ill only go if you give me the best sex EVER when we get home!' I dunno, anything to just motivate you a little more and have a little fun with it. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamergrl Posted September 16, 2009 Share Posted September 16, 2009 I think after 15 months of being together, you could do this for her, since it's obviously important to her (her continue to ask and ask and ask). Compromise. Link to post Share on other sites
Lish Posted September 16, 2009 Share Posted September 16, 2009 Well well, look who it is... dreamergrl! How's the love life? (oh YES! i've read the thread ) He seems dishy Going back to the OP, like dreamer just said, you should just do this for her... I'm sure she's worth it. Just try to make the best of the situation. A few hours really isn't worth the hassle of arguing about Link to post Share on other sites
dreamergrl Posted September 16, 2009 Share Posted September 16, 2009 Well well, look who it is... dreamergrl! How's the love life? (oh YES! i've read the thread ) He seems dishy Don't get me started :laugh: Going back to the OP, like dreamer just said, you should just do this for her... I'm sure she's worth it. Just try to make the best of the situation. A few hours really isn't worth the hassle of arguing about Plus, OP, by compromising, you can set a time limit - in case you're really haven't such a horrible time or are uncomfortable. Tell her you'll go for at least two hours. Link to post Share on other sites
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