Asperger's

[BenThereDunThat]

Anyone ever date someone with it?

 

I recently found out someone I thought was interested in me has it. I mean, it was clear that he was interested but he couldn't seem to do anything about it.

 

His method of flirting was a little disconnected and confusing and then nothing. No eye contact, avoidance. Not something I expected from a grown man. I was very confused and thought he just lost interest although I couldn't understand why.

 

Then I found out about the Asperger's from a friend, who found out from a friend of HIS. Which explained so many things!

 

Obviously, if anything were to happen with him, I would have to be the agressor. But - I don't think it's worth pursuing with someone who has trouble expressing empathy. So I won't.

 

Just wanted to hear stories from anyone else who may have been involved with someone with it.

[stepka]

Well why not do some web research and see what you come up with? You might decide it's something you can live with, and you would totally rock this guy's world b/c these people can be so lonely and all they need is someone to understand them. JUst don't try to take him anywhere noisy--all of our kids at school w/ it get out of assemblies b/c they can't take the noise. In other words, if you're a social type person who likes to go to parties and sports events, you probably wouldn't be a match, but if you like to sit quietly at home with your SO nearby, you would be. And yes, you'd probably have to go rope him in, but it might just be worth it.

 

Be prepared to hear him go on and on about his latest craze or hobby and either be able to listen with interest, or let him know nicely when he's getting tedious, b/c that's a classic trait of those w/ this condition. It's like they don't have the ability to look at people and notice when they're shuffling their feet and trying to get away, or change the subject.

[Trialbyfire]

The only LS member that I recall dating an Aspie, is spookie. The things she found endearing about him, became the things that irritated her the most about him.

 

Do yourself a favour and seriously look into what it means to date someone with Aspergers. If you value a strong, emotional connection, it might not be a good idea. You'll find that many of the natural cues don't register and won't be reflected back.

[Stitch]

My boyfriend has Asperger's, we've been together for a year. He is fairly awkward at times but I absolutely adore him and he me. Incidentally my older brother also has Asperger's too. It affects them in completely different ways, so please don't disregard the guy who is interested in you due to a general view off what it means to have it. It really is completely different for each person.

 

My partner has no problem expressing emotion to me, he was rather shy to begin with as he does struggle to read social cues. I wear my heart on my sleeve so he finds it easy to read me. His main trouble is social skills. You do need to be rather blunt at times when talking to someone with Asperger's. My partner quite often goes off into tangents about political events that occurred from well before I was born. Something that frequently goes over my head, I have to ask him to explain things more simply for me at times, or just explain that I'm not really that interest.

 

We had a lovely first date and for the first time in my life I found what chemistry was. It was a lot of fun, we have similar senses of humour, interests and morals so got on like a house on fire. I knew that he struggled to read body language so to make sure he really knew that I did like him and would like to carry on seeing him I gave him a kiss on the cheek afterwards. After that he pretty much did all the chasing. I just had to give him the go ahead so he knew he wasn't going to make a fool of himself by reading me the wrong way.

 

My partner feels emotion, in fact I dare say he shows more emotion than the average male, so being emotionless isn't part of every Aspie's life. He is a very giving partner, albeit very old fashioned. Quiet and thoughtful. He has an extremely embarrassing laugh however, it's very loud and odd sounding. He is also very stiff in his body language. I can read him like a book, although it took awhile to learn since it isn't text book human body language. He is an absolute sweetheart and very loving and sweet.

 

My older brother is a completely different kettle of fish. He is very social, has lots of friends. Loves to go out. He can be the life and sole of the party, but oddly enough he struggles to show emotion. My brother has 3 different reactions to things, dislike, indifferent and like. He doesn't really feel strongly about things. He is really struggling with life right now, and is suffering from depression. I wish I could help him. He had a girlfriend for a year or so, who he did everything for. Only for her to string him on for several months while she was deciding when to jump ship. She was horrid to him.

I've never heard my brother say he loves me or our mother, but he shows it in other ways. I was staying with him a few months ago and when he returned from the Gym he placed a Fudge chocolate bar in front of me and said "I don't know if you still like them, but you used to love them when you were tiny" and walked off. Which was amazingly sweet from him. He is a very protective older brother.

 

We went out for a meal together once, my parents, brother and boyfriend. It was an oddly amusing and awkward meal. I had my brother one side building a turret out of the left over bones of his dinner and my boyfriend the other side sitting really stiffly and looking horrified. For reference both are in their early 30s.

 

They are both awesome men, and I adore both of them very much. Sure they have awkwardness' but in the grand scheme of things I could think of much worse things to have in partners. I do hope my bro gets another girlfriend soon as he is very lonely.

 

Generally speaking once they get past the initial shyness, they get much better.

[deux ex machina]

The only LS member that I recall dating an Aspie, is spookie. The things she found endearing about him, became the things that irritated her the most about him.

 

Do yourself a favour and seriously look into what it means to date someone with Aspergers. If you value a strong, emotional connection, it might not be a good idea. You'll find that many of the natural cues don't register and won't be reflected back.

 

This.

 

I knew an Aspie before, they can be endearing - but you should also really know yourself and what you can/can't tolerate in your life beforehand. You have to be really honest about yourself about that, also. No matter how attracted you may be.

 

The Aspie I knew drove his gf round the bend. It was very hard for both of them, and I think it was because she thought she could change him.

 

She really ended up resenting him.

[missdependant]

Keep in mind that if you are dating someone with Asperger's, they will probably always have an emotional detachment. Things are always VERY black and white in their mind. If you are worried that you would have a hard time dating someone who has trouble expressing empathy, sadly a person with Asperger's might not be right for you. People living with this type of Autism obviously have feelings and emotions, but the hard part for them is finding relativity in them.. and logic will always be their priority.

 

Another big thing to consider is that they aren't typically the type to go out and be social or party and it's something you should never force on them.. if you like quiet nights at home, intellectual company, and have a lot of patience, then he might be perfect for you.

 

I'd recommend learning EVERYTHING you possibly can about the condition before committing to anything.

[EddieN]

I'd just like to mention to everyone that Asperger's, or any mental condition, shouldn't be used as a label. One person with Asperger's might be totally different than another. Some may exhibit all traits that are associated with the condition while others might only exhibit one trait.

 

I'm saying this because it seemed like the OP assumed this guy has trouble with empathy. Don't ever assume with mental conditions.

[BenThereDunThat]

Thank you all for your responses.

 

I do feel that I know myself well enough to know that I don't think I could be in a relationship with him. At least not long-term anyway. Therefore, I won't pursue anything - for his sake as well as mine.

 

Eddie, the reason I honed in on the lack of empathy aspect of it, was because of a few conversations I've had with him. That's a definite trait he carries, I believe. (PS, Larry David is a hero of mine )

 

As far as the focusing in on one thing. He does that too. The only thing he can really ever talk about is his job. At first I thought it was just his way of finding a common ground. But no, that's really all he is comfortably discussing. And I mean, he will discuss it at length.

 

I feel awful for him, I do. But I am way too passionate and expressive. I just don't think I can be as understanding as this kind of thing would obviously require.

[Trialbyfire]

BTDT, you have my respect for knowing yourself well enough that you're not going to enter this, willy-nilly. I lose all respect for people who go into it with blinders, leaving road kill behind them.

[EddieN]

Eddie, the reason I honed in on the lack of empathy aspect of it, was because of a few conversations I've had with him. That's a definite trait he carries, I believe. (PS, Larry David is a hero of mine )

 

That's totally understandable. Just continue to understand him based on your observations of him, not what you read in a book. People make that mistake a lot - they assume that because a person has one trait, they automatically have another and then treat the person differently. That is never the right thing to do.

 

And who doesn't regard Larry David as a hero.

[BenThereDunThat]

BTDT, you have my respect for knowing yourself well enough that you're not going to enter this, willy-nilly. I lose all respect for people who go into it with blinders, leaving road kill behind them.

 

Thanks, TBF. Sometimes maturity is a good thing.

 

That's totally understandable. Just continue to understand him based on your observations of him, not what you read in a book. People make that mistake a lot - they assume that because a person has one trait, they automatically have another and then treat the person differently. That is never the right thing to do.

 

And who doesn't regard Larry David as a hero.

 

Yes, everything I did read stressed that not all individuals have all the same symptoms or personality traits. It's different for everyone.

 

Makes me a little sad. It must be so hard live like that.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Just wanted to say how much I appreciate that someone started this thread. Thank you!

 

An old friend from way back in highschool contacted me out of the blue and we reconnected last month for a weekend visit. I remember how horribly she was picked on in school, but I had no idea my friend was an Aspie.

 

If I had known more about the syndrome beforehand, perhaps my boyfriend and I wouldn’t have felt so bewildered and confused by some of the behaviors. To be painfully honest, it was both exasperating and emotionally exhausting. Fortunately, even in our ignorance, we didn’t do or say anything to upset her or add to her anxiety, but it was a real learning experience and well needed lesson in patience.

 

My friend has a HUGE heart underneath it all, and wants to come visit with us again. She’s going through an extremely difficult time and really needs some support. It seems she has no other friend or confidante to turn to. I’ve since done a lot of reading about this high-functioning form of Autism hoping to educate myself on how better to relate and communicate with my Aspie friend ... also hoping to warm my boyfriend up to the idea of her coming to visit with us again.

 

Sadly, while there seems to be more information out there these days regarding the syndrome, I haven’t found much in the way of educating the friends and families of Aspies on how to better communicate, relate and support those dealing with the syndrome. There’s a real worry for me that I might accidentally exasperate my friend’s anxiety. One thing we learned is that Aspies don’t relate well to humor. Especially sarcasm, as they tend to translate what is said verbatim without being able to read social cues such as smiling or laughter. My friend, in particular, seemed to fixate on her animosity towards her sister and raged about it for the entire two days she was with us, none stop, until she had worked herself up into an agitated state. We tried on many occasions to change the subject, or even engage her conversation where we could actually participate (aka: get a word in edgewise) but she just wasn’t able to understand. At one point, John was so flustered he even got up and left the table, but she seemed completely oblivious that he was gone and just kept talking to his chair.

 

I’m hopeful that it was just her excitement, and maybe the next time she visits she will be more relaxed and calm. (???) I’d really like to give it another try... but would appreciate any advice from the more experienced folks out there on how best support a friend or loved one with Asperger’s so that we don’t accidentally exasperate the situation.

[Trialbyfire]

Of my personal non-romantic experience with Aspies and other forms of autistic children, they have difficulty with change and can get violent about it, whether it's to themselves, others or inanimate objects. Of course this varies per individual and trauma associated to the incident(s).

 

That's why it bothers me when people get involved willy-nilly since the last thing they need is a fairweather lover.

[shadowplay]

Having known several people with Asperger's, I would strongly encourage anybody to proceed with caution when entering a relationship with an Aspie.

 

I know I couldn't be in a relationship with an Aspie.

 

My older brother has Asperger's and he's very hard to deal with. He's 28 but acts like a 14-year-old around me. He still teases me relentlessly (and not in an affectionate way). He can be downright cruel, because he doesn't have a filter like most adults do. He has sudden, unexpected bouts of anger and sometimes violence.

 

He has no trouble approaching and talking to people, but he's bad at maintaining relationships because he doesn't engage people on an emotional level. He does bizarre things like getting up and leaving the room in the middle of a conversation, making no eye contact or sometimes too much eye contact (forced stare). A lot of his friendships have fizzled because he made little effort to maintain them.

 

He has strange fixations and ritualistic behaviors. Sometimes he talks to himself, even when another person is there. He can't stand change to his environment, and is incredibly picky when it comes to what he surrounds himself with and consumes.

 

For example, there are only a few foods he'll eat and they're all very unhealthy (fast food, frozen pizzas, etc.).

 

He's also incredibly smart. He's in a top medical school now, got a perfect SAT score, and was a national merit scholar in high school.

 

That said, I believe he has a good heart and I know he loves me and my family, but I'd never want to date somebody like him.

[HeadlessZebra]

Anyone ever date someone with it?

 

I recently found out someone I thought was interested in me has it. I mean, it was clear that he was interested but he couldn't seem to do anything about it.

 

His method of flirting was a little disconnected and confusing and then nothing. No eye contact, avoidance. Not something I expected from a grown man. I was very confused and thought he just lost interest although I couldn't understand why.

 

Then I found out about the Asperger's from a friend, who found out from a friend of HIS. Which explained so many things!

 

Obviously, if anything were to happen with him, I would have to be the agressor. But - I don't think it's worth pursuing with someone who has trouble expressing empathy. So I won't.

 

Just wanted to hear stories from anyone else who may have been involved with someone with it.

 

ZOMG yes. My most recent ex is diagnosed with Asperger's and it's exactly as you describe.

 

All I can tell you is run. Nothing against the psychiatrically disabled, but these people lack a certain sense of "something" about normal interpersonal relationships and don't attach to the normal things that people attach to. They don't completely lack empathy, but lack it enough to act in really thoughtless ways a lot of the time.

[shadowplay]

Interesting sidenote. Jeffrey Dahmer was believed to have had Asperger's. That's not to say that all people with the disorder are psychopaths or that there's even any correlation between AD and psychopathy, but it's interesting nonetheless.

[BenThereDunThat]

One of the things I read is that aspies have an 80% divorce rate. 80%!!

 

I think it would be easier to deal with a relationship at our ages. I'm 40, he's 53. Because having children would never come into the picture. I also read that's when a lot of the problems really become severe. It's hard enough between two people who don't have it. But the aspie person (almost always male) just cannot relate to, or empathize with, the frustrations the other parent is feeling.

 

I don't know him well enough to generalize at all, just the bits I've seen. But I know myself well enough to know that I won't pursue anything in any case.

 

I was just curious. I had heard about it, read about it some, prior to this. But never really knew anyone with it.

[EnigmaXOXO]

For example, there are only a few foods he'll eat and they're all very unhealthy (fast food, frozen pizzas, etc.).

 

Thanks, Shadowplay. I learned this myself after insisting to my friend that it wasn’t necessary for her to bring her own food. Because I didn’t know she had Asperger’s, the poor gal hardly ate a thing all weekend. I’ve since learned through reading, that some Aspies are extremely sensitive when it comes to taste. Add to that, their diminished comfort level when straying too far from routine. Explains it now, but I still feel a little bad about insisting too strongly that she let me worry about all the food and cooking. It also went far in explaining why she also brought gallons of her own water with her to drink.

 

By nature, I’m often too comfortable around people (especially friends and family) that I don’t often have to worry so much about what I say or do. Tack isn’t one of my strong points. There were many times when I wanted to say something, but was too worried about bringing up an uncomfortable subject, or accidentally hurting her feelings. But Stitch said that sometimes you have to be “blunt” with them. While I usually have no problem with that... I just find it hard to with my friend right now until we get a little better acquainted. It’s been over 25 years since we’ve even seen each other. Especially given all that she’s been through lately. (Just lost her fiancée to terminal cancer).

 

Do you also find this to be true with your brother (???)

 

I don’t know, she just seems so prone to becoming overly anxious and nervous, I’d worry that being too direct might make her uncomfortable and worsen her anxiety.

 

I also paid attention to what TBF said:

 

That's why it bothers me when people get involved willy-nilly since the last thing they need is a fairweather lover.

 

While I didn’t know my friend had Asperger’s before she called and we reconnected, I feel that I just can’t turn my back on her now. I remember how terribly she was rejected way back when we were kids, and apparently things haven’t changed all the much for her. But to completely honest, I’m worried I’m not equipped to handle it. It’s in my nature to politely distance myself from stressful situations (and people) when it becomes too much to handle. Like TBF pointed out... the last thing they need are fairweather lovers... OR friends. I’d really like to be there for her (in measured doses) but my own sanity and peace of mind, as well as my partner’s, has to take precedence.

 

Having more many more years of experience with this, how would you suggest someone like me (and others) handle it (???)

[EddieN]

Interesting sidenote. Jeffrey Dahmer was believed to have had Asperger's. That's not to say that all people with the disorder are psychopaths or that there's even any correlation between AD and psychopathy, but it's interesting nonetheless.

 

I think it's interesting that of all people to bring up you bring up Jeffrey Dahmer.

 

Many books say that based on many observations or written descriptions of men like Einstein, Thomas Jefferson, Mozart, Gregor Mendel, John Nash, Benjamin Franklin, Issac Newton, and Bill Gates (the list goes on and on) they probably had some form of Asperger's. No tests for Asperger's were done on them, but having gone through those tests myself I know they don't say much that isn't already known. But many of the traits that ecompass Asperger's, those men had.

[shadowplay]

I think it's interesting that of all people to bring up you bring up Jeffrey Dahmer.

 

Many books say that based on many observations or written descriptions of men like Einstein, Thomas Jefferson, Mozart, Gregor Mendel, John Nash, Benjamin Franklin, Issac Newton, and Bill Gates (the list goes on and on) they probably had some form of Asperger's. No tests for Asperger's were done on them, but having gone through those tests myself I know they don't say much that isn't already known. But many of the traits that ecompass Asperger's, those men had.

 

Yes, people with Asperger's run the spectrum.

[shadowplay]

Thanks, Shadowplay. I learned this myself after insisting to my friend that it wasn’t necessary for her to bring her own food. Because I didn’t know she had Asperger’s, the poor gal hardly ate a thing all weekend. I’ve since learned through reading, that some Aspies are extremely sensitive when it comes to taste. Add to that, their diminished comfort level when straying too far from routine. Explains it now, but I still feel a little bad about insisting too strongly that she let me worry about all the food and cooking. It also went far in explaining why she also brought gallons of her own water with her to drink.

 

By nature, I’m often too comfortable around people (especially friends and family) that I don’t often have to worry so much about what I say or do. Tack isn’t one of my strong points. There were many times when I wanted to say something, but was too worried about bringing up an uncomfortable subject, or accidentally hurting her feelings. But Stitch said that sometimes you have to be “blunt” with them. While I usually have no problem with that... I just find it hard to with my friend right now until we get a little better acquainted. It’s been over 25 years since we’ve even seen each other. Especially given all that she’s been through lately. (Just lost her fiancée to terminal cancer).

 

Do you also find this to be true with your brother (???)

 

I don’t know, she just seems so prone to becoming overly anxious and nervous, I’d worry that being too direct might make her uncomfortable and worsen her anxiety.

 

I also paid attention to what TBF said:

 

 

 

While I didn’t know my friend had Asperger’s before she called and we reconnected, I feel that I just can’t turn my back on her now. I remember how terribly she was rejected way back when we were kids, and apparently things haven’t changed all the much for her. But to completely honest, I’m worried I’m not equipped to handle it. It’s in my nature to politely distance myself from stressful situations (and people) when it becomes too much to handle. Like TBF pointed out... the last thing they need are fairweather lovers... OR friends. I’d really like to be there for her (in measured doses) but my own sanity and peace of mind, as well as my partner’s, has to take precedence.

 

Having more many more years of experience with this, how would you suggest someone like me (and others) handle it (???)

 

It sounds like your friend is a bit different from my brother in that she's incredibly sensitive, where my brother is kind of the opposite. But I also dated a guy who had Asperger's a few years ago and he was the very sensitive type.

 

I think the best approach is to get it all out in the open. Communicate to her the same concerns you're expressing here, but in a sensitive way. Tell her that you feel held back from total honesty by concern about hurting her feelings, and you'd really like to connect with her. Ask her what would make her most comfortable, what's the best approach. Try not to be condescending about it.

 

Don't abandon her as a friend. I feel sorry for her. You could be hugely influential in her life. She does sound more emotive than your average Aspie, so I think you could have something to gain from the friendship as well.

[EddieN]

Yes, people with Asperger's run the spectrum.

 

I might be having a brain fart now but I'm not sure what you mean by that.

 

I was tested for Asperger's because I exhibit some traits of it. I never thought I had it and I don't. My friend's brother apparently was diagnosed with it and I've been trying to help her and her brother out in transitioning to college since I can relate to him in some ways. Him and I have similar ways and methods of thinking intellectually that others don't always follow, but he's much more socially oblivious than I am. For example, when he's at practice for his sport and they do a warm up run, the coach needs to speficially tell him to stop, because he won't stop with the rest of his teammates. He doesn't realize that he should stop with the rest of the team. He also doesn't realize that people are watching him. Like, one time he tried to sneak away with my cell phone when I was talking with his sister. I was looking right at him, but he didn't register that.

 

That said, the kid is a physics genius and is going places.