I want to make more friends and girl friends in college, but don't know how

[EddieN]

This is a spinoff of my other thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t195912/

 

I'm 1/2 way through college. People say that in college, it's easy to meet friends and girls, but I never found it easy.

 

My freshmen year I was in a single room. I didn't know anyone in my dorm. I really didn't have any friends freshman year and hardly went to parties, even though I really wanted to. I would try to tag along with the people in my dorm, but they didn't want me to come and ruin the guy:girl ratio needed to get into parties. So, some nights I would go out alone and try to find something. I never was let in anywhere.

 

Last year I got closer to the my team and went to parties at their various houses throughout the year. It was always the same people there, though.

 

It will be a year until I turn 21 and can go to bars (unless I get a fake, which I don't know how to do).

 

I'm not sure how to meet new people. It seems like everyone has their established cliques and are very strict on letting anyone else in.

 

I've been very lonely lately...5 days of work and then coming home to doing nothing each day and night of the weekend. I want to go out, be social, and meet people, but I don't have an outlet to do it. Please give me some tips. Did anyone go through this too when they were 20? I mean, hell, I haven't even hugged a girl since December, and the last time I drank with other guys was 2 months ago. I'm really in a dry spot and want to get out.

[westernxer]

I spent my last year of college without any close friends, and I was completely sober, stuck in a Mormon town, too. I hated my life then, and the subsequent year or two after finishing college, but now I'm content as a corporate drone.

 

It's a tough time in your life and I feel for you, but you have to dig deep and keep fighting. Tap into your inner Henry Rollins (I discovered him too late, but better late than never) and smash the convention of modern day living with your bare fists until they bleed.

 

Or something like that. LOL

[love_darlings]

Hey, try joining some clubs where you can mingle different people of the same interest.

[EddieN]

I spent my last year of college without any close friends, and I was completely sober, stuck in a Mormon town, too. I hated my life then, and the subsequent year or two after finishing college, but now I'm content as a corporate drone.

 

It's a tough time in your life and I feel for you, but you have to dig deep and keep fighting. Tap into your inner Henry Rollins (I discovered him too late, but better late than never) and smash the convention of modern day living with your bare fists until they bleed.

 

Or something like that. LOL

 

As spacey as that is, I think I understand you. Thanks, bud.

 

Hey, try joining some clubs where you can mingle different people of the same interest.

 

I'm part of a musician's club, two acting troupes, a club for my major, an organization that raises seeing eye dogs, and a varsity athlete. I don't think my involvement in activities is the problem.

[EddieN]

Kinda bumping this. I haven't done anything with anyone the last month besides shoot off fireworks at the neighbor's house with 2 lazy friends like a bunch of white trash.

 

It's the summer. I want to get out there and meet people - meet girls - but I don't have a way to do it. I do nothing on the weekends. I don't have anyone to go to the beach with. Damnit it's lonely.

[Lucky_One]

I'm part of a musician's club, two acting troupes, a club for my major, an organization that raises seeing eye dogs, and a varsity athlete. I don't think my involvement in activities is the problem.

 

You hang out with all these people, and you can't ask one of them to go get a bite and a beer, or to go to the beach, or to catch a movie? I can't imagine being on a varsity team and not being able to ask at least one teammate to go out for a beer?

 

I don't really know any other way to meet people besides activities, unless you want to join a dating site or start haunting CraigsList.

[EddieN]

You hang out with all these people, and you can't ask one of them to go get a bite and a beer, or to go to the beach, or to catch a movie? I can't imagine being on a varsity team and not being able to ask at least one teammate to go out for a beer?

 

I don't really know any other way to meet people besides activities, unless you want to join a dating site or start haunting CraigsList.

 

Well I'm only 20, so can't really go out for a beer, but I see what you're saying.

 

Problem is, everyone is gone in the summer. I invite them to my place but everyone is busy with their own stuff. Even during the school year, though, most of my teammates are lame who aren't as motivated as me to go out on weekends.

[New Again]

After college I moved to a part of the country where I didn't know anyone - no family or good friends.

 

Stuff I did:

- used FB to connect with people I knew but wasn't friends with in the area - you'd be surprised how many people are willing to show you around and help you out and stuff.

 

- instead of sitting at home on my computer, I went to Starbucks or Panera for breakfast/lunch/coffee and made it a point to chat in a friendly manner with the staff. Didn't meet any friends this way, but it helped my attitude a lot to be out in public and friendly with other people.

 

- I took a night class at a nearby college.

 

- Instead of working out by myself at the gym I signed up for a class; instead of walking my dogs by myself I took them to a dog park.

 

- I joined a networking website for horse riders/owners and messaged people for stable recommendations, etc. - met people at my stable and also meet up with some of the online people occasionally for trail rides.

 

- I picked up a new hobby (photography) and joined a networking website for that, and took a class at the community college.

 

- Volunteered - at a museum (and bought a membership - then you get invites to private showings) and at a soup kitchen.

 

I know it's a little different when you're in college, but you're starting to get what I'm saying, right?

 

(1. Get out there; 2. Do things you're interested in to meet people with similar interests)

 

The fact that the people you'll meet at these things are ALREADY out tells you they like to get out and do things!

[EddieN]

Yeah, I do. I obviously do stuff, but during the summer I'm generally on my own. I work in 2 labs at school and still have 1 course left. I joined a rowing club and go out to scull once a week or so, when I have time. Besides that, I run and go to the gym mostly every day, but I don't meet anyone that way.

 

In my class there's this one girl who I've been talking to that seems to enjoy me. Not sure how to progress from class buddies to meeting outside with each other's friends. Same with this guy I work with.

[Lucky_One]

"Hey - want to go get a pizza after class?"

[New Again]

Yeah, I do. I obviously do stuff, but during the summer I'm generally on my own. I work in 2 labs at school and still have 1 course left. I joined a rowing club and go out to scull once a week or so, when I have time. Besides that, I run and go to the gym mostly every day, but I don't meet anyone that way.

 

In my class there's this one girl who I've been talking to that seems to enjoy me. Not sure how to progress from class buddies to meeting outside with each other's friends. Same with this guy I work with.

 

"I'm going to X for lunch/coffee/a drink now/before/after class/work. Wanna come?"

[EddieN]

"Hey - want to go get a pizza after class?"

 

"I'm going to X for lunch/coffee/a drink now/before/after class/work. Wanna come?"

 

Haha, pretty simple. Don't know why that doesn't click to me...it just seems like people are always busy and don't have time for that kind of thing.

[Brady_to_Moss]

Its not easy in college..at least my college. My grade has only about 300 in it and most girls in college just wanna party and get laied..not all but most...just fight though it..i am and i am very lonley right now but try to make the best of things...gl man

[EddieN]

Hey man, I have no problem spending time with girls who just wanna get laid.

[EddieN]

I'm counting down the days until school starts, because now that my classes are done I have nothing to do but work at my job. The thing is, I feel like things won't be better when school starts, because I'll be living with people that don't really care for me.

 

I got a little place at the beach for next week. My own place! I've been inviting people to come, but so far no one is coming...most didn't even respond to me. It's just so disheartening, especially because the beach I go to is much closer to them (30 minutes, compared to the hours difference between them and my house). These guys and girls go to the beach all the time too. One of them said that he has plans with a group of friends at the beach that's right next to mine. You'd think he'd come visit since he's so close, or invite me to visit, but no.

 

I'm seriously thinking of quitting the sport I've been doing for 4 years and finding another place to live this coming year instead of being with the guys on the team. While I've been training all summer and love competing and challenging myself physically, it limits my social life at school, and it's obviously not getting me any solid friends.

 

Honestly, I wouldn't give a damn about whether anyone comes to my shore place if I had a girlfriend I could spend the week with there, but if that was the case then I wouldn't be here on loveshack. It's a bit disheartening since everyone I know is dating new people except for me.

[Chubbi]

I'm counting down the days until school starts, because now that my classes are done I have nothing to do but work at my job. The thing is, I feel like things won't be better when school starts, because I'll be living with people that don't really care for me.

 

Honestly, I wouldn't give a damn about whether anyone comes to my shore place if I had a girlfriend I could spend the week with there, but if that was the case then I wouldn't be here on loveshack. It's a bit disheartening since everyone I know is dating new people except for me.

 

I would care. I always go for a good friend before a boyfriend. The expectations are lower and there is no pressure to do stuff.

 

It's difficult for sure for introverts. I used to be really lonely half of my freshman year. I don't know what happened that changed that though because all of a sudden I have a ton of friends and people to talk to and people to hang out with. I know I started just sitting at people's tables in the cafeteria and inserting myself in the conversation . People do have cliques but I know I never hate when a new person comes around. I like meeting new people- you can never have enough friends to me- so I just think everyone probably feels the same.

[Mahatma]

Eddie, the first step is to just be confident in yourself.

 

You want friends? confidence attracts.

 

You want a girl friend? confidence attracts.

 

That is it. If you are lacking friends, you are likely to be lacking confidence.

 

However, the lack of friends does not cause the lack of confidence, though it may help contribute further.

 

Lack of confidence is why you do not have friends. I used to be an extremely shy person and was quite unattractive in my opinion.

 

I then changed my life. I stopped doing drugs, started working out, cut my horribly long hair, and my confidence shot up. I then started making friends and very shortly after picked up the same girl I have been with for over a year now.

 

Now that I am where I am, I see kids who are just like how I used to be. I noticed that even I am turned off to them because of their lack of self respect and confidence in themselves.

[EddieN]

A lot of friends would definitely be nice, but a few good ones would be just fine.

 

I really think I'm missing something, because when I do get out people love being around me. My one friend from my home town is very elusive and usually doesn't respond to my calls, but when we're together he's a great friend and has trusted me with some deep stuff. When I'm with these friends I mentioned who seem to blow me off, they have a lot of fun with me. If I can usually make them laugh then they'd have to enjoy being around me, right?

 

I think people flake because they all have their high school friends while I only have 2-3 guys I knew from high school, and they're not around.

 

I think I read somewhere that you go to a small school. Things are probably a lot tighter there. I go to a big state university where it's taboo to try to talk to random people in the dining hall. Everyone has their own groups and cliques and are weary of anyone outside of them.

[EddieN]

Eddie, the first step is to just be confident in yourself.

 

You want friends? confidence attracts.

 

You want a girl friend? confidence attracts.

 

That is it. If you are lacking friends, you are likely to be lacking confidence.

 

However, the lack of friends does not cause the lack of confidence, though it may help contribute further.

 

Lack of confidence is why you do not have friends. I used to be an extremely shy person and was quite unattractive in my opinion.

 

I then changed my life. I stopped doing drugs, started working out, cut my horribly long hair, and my confidence shot up. I then started making friends and very shortly after picked up the same girl I have been with for over a year now.

 

Now that I am where I am, I see kids who are just like how I used to be. I noticed that even I am turned off to them because of their lack of self respect and confidence in themselves.

 

I appreciate your input, but I don't think that's it. I'm lonely, not insecure. I heard some people talking the other day about who they would exchange lives with if they could. I then thought about that question myself, and I realized there's not a single person I'd rather be. I'm so used to solidarity that I've made the best use of it. I'm in amazing shape, I write music, I'm writing a book, and I do plenty of reading. Not to mention I keep up with hygiene and recently got a well-needed haircut too. I don't sit around and play video games like I used to do in high school. When I start to get a bit lonely like I am now, I go out and run for a few hours, which I'm actually putting my shoes on now to do.

 

I have all these good things going on that I've built from scratch. My problem is I don't get opportunities to meet people, and in order to get opportunities I need people to invite me places. It's a catch-22 situation. I've never been able to break in and get an opportunity to make a social life.

[Mahatma]

well, you are in luck.

 

The new semester is about to start.

 

Treat everyone new in your classes like they are already your friends. That's how we do things here in Texas.

 

Be nice and totally open to everyone and just act like you've been friends with them for years. You will make new friends.

[EddieN]

I think you've commented on my situation before, and I remember you said you're from Texas. I think I mentioned that people could just be a lot colder where I am in Jersey...I mean, we are known as a pretty ****ty state.

 

But you're right. Last year, the first 2 weeks of the fall semester I met more people than ever, especially girls. All of those people went away, though, some due to my mistakes based on lack of social experience. I'll know better the next time around.

[Thaddeus]

Eddie, the first step is to just be confident in yourself.

 

You want friends? confidence attracts.

 

You want a girl friend? confidence attracts.

 

That is it. If you are lacking friends, you are likely to be lacking confidence.

 

However, the lack of friends does not cause the lack of confidence, though it may help contribute further.

 

Lack of confidence is why you do not have friends. I used to be an extremely shy person and was quite unattractive in my opinion.

 

I then changed my life. I stopped doing drugs, started working out, cut my horribly long hair, and my confidence shot up. I then started making friends and very shortly after picked up the same girl I have been with for over a year now.

 

Now that I am where I am, I see kids who are just like how I used to be. I noticed that even I am turned off to them because of their lack of self respect and confidence in themselves.

There's nothing in here that's wrong. But there's also a huge element that's missing.

 

So you say to EddieN to be confident. Sure, makes sense. So, HOW?? You mentioned about getting off the drugs (kudos to you on that) and some physical changes that you made and that's all good. What, specifically, would you suggest to boost EddieN's confidence level?

 

I've got some ideas of my own, but I'm curious on what others think.

[Chubbi]

There's nothing in here that's wrong. But there's also a huge element that's missing.

 

So you say to EddieN to be confident. Sure, makes sense. So, HOW?? You mentioned about getting off the drugs (kudos to you on that) and some physical changes that you made and that's all good. What, specifically, would you suggest to boost EddieN's confidence level?

 

I've got some ideas of my own, but I'm curious on what others think.

 

 

This is really lame but I tried to pinpoint where I get my confidence. My Mom! Go get your Mom or Dad to lather some loving or tell her you don't feel confident. My Mom always gives me a kick in the buttocks when I need it.

 

Another way is if you do something good for yourself, soak that up too. Everytime I get an A, I swear the day just seems like a good day. The trees look greener. The air smells nicer etc

[Bayern]

Well it is only supposed to be easy because there are (depending on size of the school) sometimes thousands of people with the same interest/goal - finishing school or going to school. Also, in a dorm you usually live close enough to have friends just a few steps away sometimes.

 

Maybe you're going about this wrong? I have never been one who is really eager to always get out and party and I don't really chase girls much either. I really just look to find good friends even if only a few. I'm talking like friends who don't give a **** about girl to guy ratio...

 

Maybe get some of those friends and find girls seperately. I find the mentality of getting together with a bunch of people you hardly know and hooking up with girls in an alcohol filled evening rather "off", if you will.

 

My advice: keep working hard and try to make one or two good friends. Maybe start small and work your way up - that could be the problem.

 

Good luck.

[Thaddeus]

This is really lame but I tried to pinpoint where I get my confidence. My Mom!

Nothing at all wrong with that. In fact, one of the most alpha males I know (not personally, I've never met the dude) is Gene Simmons and he idolizes his mother. I'm not a fan of his music or his TV show, but you can't argue with the man's success. And he puts it all back to his mother.

 

So if that's what works for you, by all means go for it.