LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Dating

Messy situation


Dating Dating, courting, or going steady? Things not working out the way you had hoped? Stand up on your soap box and let us know what's going on!

Old 23rd July 2009, 3:01 PM   #1
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 250
Messy situation

Caution: Kinda long, but the background is important.

There's this girl I met through a mutual friend a couple months ago, and the first 3 or 4 times we met, we didn't talk much, if at all. She lives only a couple minutes from me, so we randomly started to hang out a little a few weeks ago and are becoming pretty good friends. She has been coming over 3 or 4 times a week the last 2 or 3 weeks, and really we just hang out and talk, there's always been a few of my friends over too. She has shown a lot of interest in me, and at first I didn't pay her much attention, but I started to notice that there might be something there once I started getting to know her.

I have a female friend that has seen us interacting together several times and she also agrees there is definitely an attraction on both ends. The girl I like(call her Stacey) acts remarkably like a good friend of mine that became, I guess, a fling(call her Tina) but a passionate, meaningful one for about 6 weeks prior to her moving away(we are still in contact). They are almost identical in demeanor, both very smart, shrewed, low key with a wild streak, quiet but very intense and that is just for starters. I am also noticing Stacey doing the same things that Tina did long before we actually got physical with each other, such as prolonged eye contact(constantly), hanging out all the time for no reason, and strangely worded text messages(sounds dumb, but trust me, I realized this one after the fact with Tina).

Tina has had a boyfriend the entire time I've known her, and our "affair" caused a great deal of drama and upheaval in her life(mine too). She told her boyfriend everything including that she is "not stimulated intellectually or emotionally" by him and is by me, as well as, her parents that expect them to get married and to boot this is all during Christmas. Stacey never mentioned a boyfriend to me(or acted like she had one), but I bet my female friend that because of how similar her behavior is to Tina's that she is in a long relationship that she either feels controlled or unfulfilled in, and low and behold Stacey does have a boyfriend(whom she refers to as "the bf").

So here is my dilemma. Should I hit the throttle and make a move on Stacey or just stay friends with her and hope she leaves her bf?
BackUpOrGetStung is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th July 2009, 12:14 PM   #2
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 250
Nothing?
BackUpOrGetStung is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th July 2009, 1:43 PM   #3
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 373
I hate when women get in to this type of situation. They hang out with a guy who they know is attracted to them, yet they have a boyfriend. This is a huge red flag for several reasons. One is that she is not very emotionally mature. Another is that she is okay with leading someone on and then hurting their feelings. If this scenario lead to her cheating on her boyfriend with you, that means she is okay with cheating.

My advice is don't fall for women who do this kind of stuff. You deserve way better than some woman who just likes to have many admirers.
amymarieca is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th July 2009, 2:01 PM   #4
New Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 6
I guess I would be hesitant about moving forward on this just yet. Its always been my experience that if a girl likes you but won't dump her boyfriend until she knows your a sure thing, then she's probably the type that would do the same to you...String you along in a dead end relationship until she finds someone to replace you. That does tend to be quite a common scenario, so its up to you if you want to risk what you have going now and take that chance. If I were in your shoes though...I'd hang back a while longer and see how things continue to play out. I'd feel much better about hooking up with someone who broke things off with their boyfriend because their relationship wasn't working, not because someone shiny and new came along and showed interest.
gobs is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th July 2009, 2:34 PM   #5
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 250
I realize that I need to be cautious, but what is plaguing me is how scarily similar these two women are, and the situation. Tina(I hate this name, but it has the same first and last letter as her real name), told me that if I had acted on my feelings at any point in the year prior to her acting on her feelings, she would have left her boyfriend to be with me. We only began being intimate 6 weeks before she moved back to New York. She's an awesome woman and was in a possessive/verbally abusive relationship, and I think Stacey is in a bad relationship too.

I just can't stop thinking that things would have been so much different if I had just spoken up with Tina, and I don't want this happen again. So my real question is of when, not if, to talk to her about my feelings and what's going on between us(or what I'm fairly certain is going on). I do think I should wait a little longer, but how long is too long? I know there isn't a correct answer but I'd like some opinions to help me figure out how I'm going to attack this.
BackUpOrGetStung is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th July 2009, 5:34 PM   #6
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 373
If here boyfriend were really that bad, she would obviously leave the relationship. She doesn't need to be whisked away by you, nor do you need to save the day. You have no way to properly judge whether or not her bf treats her well. If she starts confiding in you about all this stuff, I would see it as a huge red flag. I hate when women stay in bad relationships and then cheat on their partner with "prince charming." It's very tacky and immature.
amymarieca is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th July 2009, 5:43 PM   #7
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by BackUpOrGetStung View Post
So my real question is of when, not if, to talk to her about my feelings and what's going on between us(or what I'm fairly certain is going on). I do think I should wait a little longer, but how long is too long? I know there isn't a correct answer but I'd like some opinions to help me figure out how I'm going to attack this.
This all sounds very high-school

How serious are she and her boyfriend? Why is she spending days hanging out with you and he's not around too?

Your only real choices without being a jerk are to:

1) Wait it out until she's single
2) Go out on a limb, tell her you wish she was single so you guys could go out. Then wait and see what happens.

Either way you can work on:

3) Find another, nice available girl to have a crush on instead until something changes. Cause it might never change, and then you'll be stuck having another affair, causing drama again, etc. etc..
Teslacoil is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th July 2009, 11:01 AM   #8
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 250
Amy, I'm not trying to "save the day" or anything like that. I'm just suggesting that a toxic relationship may be one of the reasons that she seems attracted to me. I'm not concerned with her boyfriend or what he does at all; he does not exist to me.

Teslacoil, I'm also not concerned with "being a jerk". Life's too short to worry about things like this. I'm ambitious, if that makes me a jerk, fine. You did pose some good questions. I can't say how serious her and her b/f are but I would guess they've been dating for a year or two. She's only mentioned him once and that was when she was bummed out that she couldn't come over. Why does she hang out with me alone so much? If I had to guess, I'd say it's probably because there's a mutual attraction that anyone(all my friends have) pick up on. As far as finding an available woman, I'm casually seeing two other women right now, but I would gladly end it with both of them to be with this one. I don't know what it is about her but I would take her anyway I can have her, be it an affair or a relationship. I think I'm just going to have to get closer to her over the next couple months and make a move then sometime.
BackUpOrGetStung is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th July 2009, 11:06 AM   #9
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 250
Amy, I'm not trying to "save the day" or anything like that. I'm just suggesting that this may be one of the reasons that she seems attracted to me. I'm not concerned with her boyfriend or what he does at all; he does not exist to me.

Teslacoil, I'm also not concerned with "being a jerk". Life's too short to worry about things like this. I'm ambitious, if that makes me a jerk, fine. You did pose some good questions. I can't say how serious her and her b/f are but I would guess they've been dating for a year or two. She's only mentioned him once and that was when she was bummed out that she couldn't come over. Why does she hang out with me alone so much? If I had to guess, I'd say it's probably because there's a mutual attraction that anyone(all my friends have) pick up on. As far as finding an available woman, I'm casually seeing two other women right now, but I would gladly end it with both of them to be with this one. I don't know what it is about her but I would take her anyway I can have her, be it an affair or a relationship. I think I'm just going to have to get closer to her over the next couple months and make a move then sometime.
BackUpOrGetStung is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th July 2009, 11:05 AM   #10
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by BackUpOrGetStung View Post
As far as finding an available woman, I'm casually seeing two other women right now, but I would gladly end it with both of them to be with this one. I don't know what it is about her but I would take her anyway I can have her, be it an affair or a relationship. I think I'm just going to have to get closer to her over the next couple months and make a move then sometime.
So, you really don't care about this woman at all, whether or not you ruin her 2 year relationship with her boyfriend or not. You just want to sleep with her. Plus you're already dating two other people.

Well then, go for it I suppose. I feel bad for her if she falls for any of your "moves".
Teslacoil is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
A messy situation... Nozz Separation and Divorce 2 19th January 2009 3:06 AM
Really messy situation kkrose The Other Man / Woman 8 3rd December 2008 7:48 PM
Im in a messy situation. Need Luthatdude In Search Of... 5 3rd July 2007 8:41 PM
a messy situation happyinvention General Relationship Discussion 0 28th June 2006 2:18 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 6:49 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.