could this be a dealbreaker?

[aloneanddepressed]

I'm talking to this new guy , and he seems pretty nice, however, he says he chews tobacco. He used to smoke but quit supposedly like 5 months ago, or so he says. Anyways, he said he does chew tobacco. I didn't want to offend him or anything, as I don't really know him,so I didn't further question this. I am afraid I made it seem like I wasn't against this habit. I do not know if he does it often, but I'm guessing probably more often than not.

 

My question is, what do you think of this? How many of you would date someone who does this? Is this a big deal? Personally, I am totally against smoking, drugs, tobacco, and big on health stuff, so this is a bit difficult for me to accept. I don't know the severity of it, or if this is a frequent habit of his, but it was a turn off when he told me. It grosses me out the more I think of it. I have only talked to him on the phone..haven't dated him yet, but now I'm really worried about this.

[redhighheels]

It's not a habit, it's an addiction. Just because he gave up smoking, that doesn't mean he's in the clear, it simply means he's getting his nicotine fix in another way. A lot of people have trouble dealing with their nicotine addiction and the social perception of it as a "habit" isn't doing anyone any good.

 

If it's a deal breaker for you, you're probably better off.

[aloneanddepressed]

Well, it really does bother me, but I would hate to hold this against him, because he seems to be a really nice person. I just could not deal with this, and I don't know how to tell him without sounding bad. He seems to be so proud of himself he quit smoking, and yes that is good, but chewing tobacco is, like you are saying another nicotine fix. that would be my luck to meet someone nice but they are a nicotine addict, and honestly chewing tobacco sounds way more gross than smoking.

 

 

It's not a habit, it's an addiction. Just because he gave up smoking, that doesn't mean he's in the clear, it simply means he's getting his nicotine fix in another way. A lot of people have trouble dealing with their nicotine addiction and the social perception of it as a "habit" isn't doing anyone any good.

 

If it's a deal breaker for you, you're probably better off.

[burningashes]

I smoke, but I would NEVER date anyone who chews Just tell him that he sounds like a nice guy, but you don't date people who smoke or chew tobacco and move on from there. If he cleans up, great, if not, I would cut your losses and move on.

[lilly83]

The fact that you are on here questioning it shows that you are not happy and could not deal with it and be with someone who does this. Basically it is a sign that it is time to move on. You have not up with this guy and have no connection. You will be fine.

[Charles1978]

Lots of people make the mistake of using chewing tobacco as an aid to quit smoking. The problem is, one chew or dip has a lot more nicotine in it than a single cigarette. So basically, they become more addicted to nicotine than they were before. Yes, it does allow you to quit smoking, but more often than not, you are replacing one bad habit with another. I used to be a social smoker, and tried this method at the advice of a friend. Well, it worked, but I found myself replacing one habit with another. I eventually quit everything cold turkey... in the end, it is the only method that really works.

 

Try to figure out why he uses chewing tobacco. If he says that he does it to help him quit smoking, ask him how he plans to quit chewing tobacco. If he has a clear plan and the willingness to quit all of it, it might be worth sticking around long enough to see if he really means it. If you really like the guy, you may be able to help him quit. When I quit cold turkey, having a girlfriend who stayed on me about it helped more than anything else. She withheld certain physical activities when she caught me using the stuff, if ya know what I mean. That really helped and ultimately made me a successful quitter.

[Ruby Slippers]

I would not date someone who uses chewing tobacco. I would simply say, "I don't date people who smoke or use chewing tobacco."

 

As for addictions in general, my last boyfriend was a smoker when he began pursuing me. He asked if I could date a smoker, and I said no, so he quit cold turkey. He did pretty well for a while, but he smoked sometimes on the sly and hid it from me very well -- I'm sure I'll never really know how often.

[aloneanddepressed]

Well, when the guy mentioned it, I tried to act like it didn't bother me, to avoid making him feel bad. I hate to be judgmental, but some people will not tolerate that. I don't know how to bring it up again, without making him feel bad. I would have thought if he rarely did it, he would have up and said. So I take it, its a regular habit of his. The worst part is he said he started smoking at age 15, and he is now 30. I do not know how long the tobacco deal has been going on though. I have a feeling he did both at the same time.

[donnamaybe]

I'm sorry, but that would be a HUGE dealbreaker for me! It's a disgusting habit. It makes their teeth all nasty, and they're always spitting that raunchy grasshopper juice crap into cups which, in MY experience with chewers, they leave strewn about everywhere you turn. Then you get the joy of possibly watching them lose their lower jaw after cancer sets in.

[Ruby Slippers]

Well, when the guy mentioned it, I tried to act like it didn't bother me, to avoid making him feel bad. I hate to be judgmental, but some people will not tolerate that. I don't know how to bring it up again, without making him feel bad.

First of all, why are you behaving as though his feelings are more important than yours? You're trying to prevent his discomfort at the expense of your own discomfort later. Learn to stand up for yourself and your principles. This will serve you well throughout life.

 

Second, there is no judgment in saying "I do not date people who smoke/chew tobacco." It's healthy to know your boundaries and stick to them. Judgment would be: "Wow, you're a lousy person for chewing tobacco. Piss off!"

 

The way to bring it up again is to say, "I was thinking more about you chewing tobacco, and I've realized I don't want to date someone who does that."

[aloneanddepressed]

Well normally I am up front about these sort of things, so for once I was trying to hold back a little. Unfortunately, I may have led him to believe I'm perfectly fine with it. Actually he is supposed to call me tonight, I'm tempted not to answer, but that would be cruel. I just hate to bring up the issue again, when I should have further questioned him at the time he was talking about it. Its not so much his current tobacco habit. It sounds like he has functioned either by smoking or chewing since he was 15 years. That is highly questionable. The more I think about this, the more offended I get. I am also wondering if he still has presentable teeth and gums as well as health lungs, lol...I will just have to either bring it up again and flat out tell him what I think, or just gradually stop talking to him as much. I have the worst luck.

 

First of all, why are you behaving as though his feelings are more important than yours? You're trying to prevent his discomfort at the expense of your own discomfort later. Learn to stand up for yourself and your principles. This will serve you well throughout life.

 

Second, there is no judgment in saying "I do not date people who smoke/chew tobacco." It's healthy to know your boundaries and stick to them. Judgment would be: "Wow, you're a lousy person for chewing tobacco. Piss off!"

 

The way to bring it up again is to say, "I was thinking more about you chewing tobacco, and I've realized I don't want to date someone who does that."

[Ruby Slippers]

I just hate to bring up the issue again, when I should have further questioned him at the time he was talking about it. Its not so much his current tobacco habit. It sounds like he has functioned either by smoking or chewing since he was 15 years. That is highly questionable.

It's very unlikely that you're the only woman who has ever had a problem with this, or ever will. Many (most?) women are not fond of the habits of smoking or using tobacco, unless they do it themselves.

 

And I think you are right to be concerned about his substance and addiction problem. In my experience, I have found that people who rely too much on chemicals have underlying issues they are trying to escape or medicate, and those always come out eventually.

[You'reasian]

It sounds like he has functioned either by smoking or chewing since he was 15 years. That is highly questionable. The more I think about this, the more offended I get. I am also wondering if he still has presentable teeth and gums as well as health lungs, lol...I will just have to either bring it up again and flat out tell him what I think, or just gradually stop talking to him as much. I have the worst luck.

 

Presentable teeth? Get him smiling. That's the easiest way to find out.

 

Healthy lungs? Take him on a run or swim.

 

What are you waiting for? lol

[aloneanddepressed]

Well, actually I used to work at the same company he currently does. I don't remember him talking a lot, nor smiling for that matter, but a few times he did crack a smile, I could have sworn his teeth were not a pleasant shade, or maybe it was the light LOL. As far as his lungs, I would assume they are not the best at this point, although he is still fairly young. He doesn't exercise, so I'm sure that doesn't help. I personally think smoking is not good and unattractive, but this seems much worse and just plain gross. You would think if he really wanted to meet a good spouse, he would have got rid of this habit already, OR at least not be volunteering to tell me this information. I guess its better to inform me now instead of later, but I'm losing interest very quickly. I don't want to go on any dates with him. He says he has had much bad luck in the dating department. :sick:

 

Presentable teeth? Get him smiling. That's the easiest way to find out.

 

Healthy lungs? Take him on a run or swim.

 

What are you waiting for? lol

[SoulSearch_CO]

I found the stereotypes about chewers very interesting. My BF chews. He doesn't leave cups all over the place, I've NEVER seen him spit, his teeth are perfectly clean, etc, etc. He's very discreet about it and respectful of the fact that I don't find it terribly attractive. I would hardly even know he chews.

 

Anyway...that aside, if it's a dealbreaker for you, just be upfront and honest. You can't be responsible for EVERYONE's feelings. If he gets hurt about it, then that's his choice. If he doesn't like not being chosen because of his addiction, then he has the option to quit. Who knows - you may even give him motivation to do so.

[aloneanddepressed]

I think the majority of chewers aren't discreet about it and all, so that is good your BF is. In general, it seems to be considered a rather nasty habit. I'm afraid to ask this guy more about his "chewing". I should have asked when he brought it up. Like I said, I have a feeling he does he more frequently than not. Also, I do recall his teeth not looking so nice, which I'm sure has something to with smoking and tobacco use for years. Luckily , he did not CALL tonight. I was relieved....lol.

 

I found the stereotypes about chewers very interesting. My BF chews. He doesn't leave cups all over the place, I've NEVER seen him spit, his teeth are perfectly clean, etc, etc. He's very discreet about it and respectful of the fact that I don't find it terribly attractive. I would hardly even know he chews.

 

Anyway...that aside, if it's a dealbreaker for you, just be upfront and honest. You can't be responsible for EVERYONE's feelings. If he gets hurt about it, then that's his choice. If he doesn't like not being chosen because of his addiction, then he has the option to quit. Who knows - you may even give him motivation to do so.