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White girl, Pakistani guy....can it work?


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Old 27th June 2009, 1:08 PM   #1
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White girl, Pakistani guy....can it work?

Hey,

I'm considering spending some time and maybe dating a guy that I've been friends with for about 6 months. I'm going through a serious breakup at the moment, so nothing serious is in the cards, but just wanted to ask if anyone has had experience dating someone out of their race?

This guy is British born Pakistani and I'm white American girl. I think he's gorgeous. I don't know anything about the cultural differences or problems that could arise from this as I'm just not educated enough in this area, so could someone shed some light?

Do you foresee major problems? He's not the arranged marriage type, but there's some weird issues with his mother going on and I do'nt think she'd approve. Is it seen as a step down for Pakistanis to be with a white woman? How do most people react? Are Pakistani guys generally respectful towards white woman when they are in a relationship with them?

So many questions....thanks for the help!

DS
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Old 27th June 2009, 1:16 PM   #2
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If you're going through a breakup, you shouldn't be using this poor guy to rebound yourself through it. That isn't the right way to treat a friend, I'm sorry to inform you.
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Old 27th June 2009, 1:28 PM   #3
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I can apprecaite your concerns, but please read my response to another thread on the breakup forum: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t193350/

Might give you a little insight...

Thanks for your thoughts.

DS
xx
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Old 27th June 2009, 1:43 PM   #4
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I can apprecaite your concerns, but please read my response to another thread on the breakup forum: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t193350/

Might give you a little insight...

Thanks for your thoughts.

DS
xx
Are there religious differences?
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Old 27th June 2009, 4:47 PM   #5
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A good friend of mine (female) is from Pakistan and tells me that VERY VERY few Pakistani men will ever marry a white woman, because there is tremendous pressure from the family to marry a Pakistani woman. They will happily date and have sex with white women, and even wax poetic and dramatic about getting married in the future, but when it comes down to it, they almost always end up marrying a Pakistani woman. This friend has cousins (Pakistani, of course) who dated white women all their lives, got right to the point of proposing, but always broke it off because of pressure from the family. Every one of them ended up marrying a Pakistani woman.

Now, of course there are exceptions to every rule, but I'm just letting you know what my friend told me. She IS the type to stereotype and generalize, but of course there is some truth within those generalizations. She told me this because a Greek man has recently shown interest in me, and since he has admitted his family has made it clear they want him to marry a Greek woman, she says it would be taking a big risk of wasting my time to even date this guy. She says certain cultures are like this, and Greek and Pakistani are two good examples of it.
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Old 27th June 2009, 6:16 PM   #6
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Religious differences? Yes; he is Muslim but very liberal. I am Catholic.

Thanks Ruby....that's exactly what I figured. Your friend is saying exactly what I had feared. He actually did say that his family wanted him to marry a Pakistani woman, but he could date whomever he chooses. I'm just not sure how great the pressure of his family would be in his life. I suppose its too early for such thoughts though.

I can see your point though. It's like, why waste time?
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Old 27th June 2009, 6:22 PM   #7
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Eh I don't know if it would be wasting time if you are just dating. I wouldn't make any conclusions until you get to know him a little better.
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Old 27th June 2009, 6:28 PM   #8
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Based on my knowledge (after having worked with many British born Pakistanis), I have to say that Ruby is probably right. Whilst there will be exceptions, the cultural pressures and expectations are very strong and hard to fight.

I guess it really then depends on how far you want to take this.
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Old 27th June 2009, 6:28 PM   #9
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I suppose its too early for such thoughts though.

I can see your point though. It's like, why waste time?
I don't think it's too early to think about it. It's smart to know the circumstances you're dealing with from the outset. Whether to pursue something with him is up to you, and more information can only help.

My (female) friend JUST married a white guy (last weekend, in fact), as did one of her sisters some years ago. But they are kind of the black sheep of the family. Their family has accepted their decisions, but they definitely project the idea that they are a little inferior to the siblings who married Pakistanis. It's so dumb, but that's the way it is.
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Old 27th June 2009, 7:43 PM   #10
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Sounds like a lot of racism to me. I lived in Europe for half a year, England for 3 months. The Brits are very sophisticated and open-minded, just not much into American culture. You cannot judge somebody by their skin color, and quite frankly, I was shocked at what I read here!

You need to see if he identifies himself more with the Pakistani's or the English, that is going to be a big indicator of the situation.
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Old 27th June 2009, 8:07 PM   #11
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Sounds like a lot of racism to me. I lived in Europe for half a year, England for 3 months. The Brits are very sophisticated and open-minded, just not much into American culture. You cannot judge somebody by their skin color, and quite frankly, I was shocked at what I read here!

You need to see if he identifies himself more with the Pakistani's or the English, that is going to be a big indicator of the situation.
My post is based on living in England all my life and definitely not racist. Just experience.
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Old 28th June 2009, 11:52 PM   #12
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Sounds like a lot of racism to me. I lived in Europe for half a year, England for 3 months. The Brits are very sophisticated and open-minded, just not much into American culture. You cannot judge somebody by their skin color, and quite frankly, I was shocked at what I read here!
I've lived in three different countries, travelled to more than a dozen, and if anything, that has made me less naive about the sad truth of racism the world over.

Most people are trained to fear what is different from them. And many people do not have the strength to withstand the judgment that the world (and even their own families, in many, many cases) would cast upon them if they were part of an interracial couple. This is a fact. Just because I am talking about the facts does not mean I condone racism. In fact, I do not.
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Old 28th June 2009, 11:55 PM   #13
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The Brits are very sophisticated and open-minded,
throughout past history the British have been some of the most racist regimes known to man. They begat the US which was, and still, is racist. Look at S. Africa, look at India. All their colonies were racist based.

The British racism is much more covert than overt, which may be the difference that you're talking about.
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Old 29th June 2009, 12:13 AM   #14
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Originally Posted by Ruby Slippers View Post
A good friend of mine (female) is from Pakistan and tells me that VERY VERY few Pakistani men will ever marry a white woman, because there is tremendous pressure from the family to marry a Pakistani woman. They will happily date and have sex with white women, and even wax poetic and dramatic about getting married in the future, but when it comes down to it, they almost always end up marrying a Pakistani woman.
I'm not sure if it was by you but I was once told something almost identical by someone on this site about my then bf, now fiance

Truth is, it depends on how traditional he and his family are. We all have a cultural background somewhere, how tightly we stick to it varied from person to person and family to family.

One of my good friends is Pakistani, married to a white guy, her family approves, and is thrilled for her.

Don't ever let race or culture hold you back.
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Old 29th June 2009, 12:23 AM   #15
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He's not the arranged marriage type, but there's some weird issues with his mother going on and I don't think she'd approve
What weird issues?

Also, are his mother and father immigrants from Pakistan or were they born in Britain as well? In either case, do they appear to be 'traditional' in the following of Pakistani culture? Lastly, how old are you and he?
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