Emotional distance... what's going on?

[blob1939]

Well, I pretty much imagine what it's going on, but I think I have to hear again... like I said in my previous post, I am dating a guy (4 months) very controled, reserved, distant. I know most people here think he's not like that all, I have some doubts too.

 

Anyway, we are now in a long distance relationship, he lives/works in another city, 6-hours by car. The physical distance doesn't bother me at all, but emotionally is like he's in China or another planet. I am starting to question - very seriously - if he really likes me at all.

 

So, the 1st week we were apart, I wrote him some loving e-mails, nothing serious, just the "I miss you" and "can't wait to see you again" type of thing. He didn't answer me or called me, so I called him on Wednesday and we talked a little. I even joked with him and said "miss me a little" and he said "oh, I do, a lot". He also said he might come to see me during the holiday (last week was Victoria day in Canada).

 

The week went on and again, no contact from him whatsoever. So, on Saturday I called him and asked him if he was really coming, I was not sure. He said yes and he did. We had a good time together, but he was still very emotionally controlled, although he was very physical, always hugging me, touching my hair, kissing me, etc.

 

Anyway... before he left I told him, in a very loving way and almost as a *joke*, that I would try to be more neutral, I was not going to write to him every day and fill his inbox with my e-mails, etc. He laughed and said I should write, no problem with him. He left and after some hours, I sent him a message saying "I hope you had a good trip, it was fun to have you here with me this weekend and I hope you have a good week" and - MIRACLE - he answered me back when he got home. But it was very *formal*, like "I just got home, have a good week too". No "I like you" or it was good to spend time with you too".

 

So, I tried to keep my promise and didn't call/write to him the whole week. Then, yesterday he sent me an e-mail saying "I hope everything is OK with you. I think I'm going to run a 5K this weekend." This is nothing like an e-mail that a BOYFRIEND would write, is it? I know that men are different from women and he is *reserved*, but come on!

 

Anyway, I tried to be nice, so I answered and told him what was going on with me and asked him to CALL me instead of writing. I said "since we hardly talk to each other, I think it would be better if we talk by phone, writing just once in a while seems very cold. Sometimes I feel we are not together anymore, so if you don't mind, let's call each other, OK?". It was a very loving e-mail, I was very cute with him.

 

Just to confirm I was not upset, I also called him later when I got home. He didn't answer his phone, so I left him a message. And very pathetically (is that a word?), I also wrote another e-mail saying "I just called you and got your voice mail. I just wanted to wish you a good weekend and a good run". NO answer at all.

 

So, let's make this story a little shorter... he doesn't care about me and I am running after him, is that right? It's been so difficult for me to understand what's really going on, I just don't know how to deal with this emotional distance. It's not that I want him to call me and write to me everyday, it's just that he seems he just doesn't care... WTF is that?

 

Every time that I tried to tell him that we are 2 adults, no pressure, he can leave whenever he wants, his answer is "I like you, I want to be with you, I'm just more controlled, I miss you but I know how to deal with this, you don't have to change anything, everything is good between us, blablabla". Oh well, I am not so sure I can believe that anymore.

 

I know that he had a very long (7 years) relationship in the past (many years ago), he loved the girl, she ended it and he was hurt very badly. That was when he *decided* to change, he even told me once "I used to be like you, very emotional, but I got screwed many times so I learned my lesson, I learned to control/repress my feelings".

 

Is that a reason for him to be so cold and distant with me? Or is it more simple than that and he just doesn't like me and I should MOVE ON?

 

[missmich]

Are you and this guy just dating or are you actually boyfriend/girlfriend now? The guy that I'm dating (now for 2 months) will often reply to my texts or e-mails with something that sorta seems cool and not like something a bf/guy your dating would respond with. I think it has something to do with not wanting to get to close to fast since he's also been hurt in the past and wants to be careful.

 

I think that when he tells you he cares for you and wants to be with you,you can believe it. It sounds to me like he does care about you but his style of showing you with messages etc... is just different then yours is.

[SoulSearch_CO]

Having somebody that distant would not fulfill my needs in a pseudo-relationship such as this. I'd be letting it go. No need to get rude, but with his impersonal emails, he'd get the same tone back and I'd be moving on with my life in the meantime. If he ever came back around, asking why I backed off, I'd tell him that he obviously wasn't interested. There are other fish in the sea. Ones that actually do show interest. I think it's time to move on.

[Island Girl]

"I like you, I want to be with you, I'm just more controlled, I miss you but I know how to deal with this, you don't have to change anything, everything is good between us, blablabla". Oh well, I am not so sure I can believe that anymore.

 

It isn't about believing him.

 

It is about getting your needs met in the relationship.

 

You need emotional support and you need to know that you are connected. THAT IS NORMAL.

 

I would tell him:

" Look. I realize that you deal with things differently but I need emotion from my partner in a relationship. I need to know we are connected. You say you care about me then my needs and feelings should be important to you.

respect you enough to tell you that the communication I get from you needs improvement."

 

Then step back and allow him time to make an effort.

 

If he doesn't do it - you tell him he hasn't been trying to meet your needs in the realationship and you are moving on.

 

And that is all you say. Then you go NC.

 

If at that point or soon after he realizes he cares more than he "allows" himself to then you will have already set a basis of your wants. Then you "demand" that you are shown he cares in order to move forward. (Hold him to it too.)

 

I know that he had a very long (7 years) relationship in the past (many years ago), he loved the girl, she ended it and he was hurt very badly. That was when he *decided* to change, he even told me once "I used to be like you, very emotional, but I got screwed many times so I learned my lesson, I learned to control/repress my feelings".

 

This is a total complete bull story that he is feeding you.

 

I would have called him out on it too.

 

What REALLY happened is he got hurt "OW OW OW! I hurt! I am crawling into an emotional cave and I am not going to participate anymore!"

It isn't strength he is showing it is cowardice and fear.

 

Caring about others is risky. We can get hurt. But those that live life and have the ability to love and be brave reach out and do LOVE.

 

Those that live their lives fearfully always try to play it safe and create a false bubble around themselves.

 

What they fail to realize is that those walls that keep others out also keep them IN.

 

Same thing with putting someone on a "short leash". Yes that person is on a short leash and is closely monitored BUT the other end of the leash is being held by somebody who has to constantly do the monitoring.

So they are both on a leash really.

 

There he is in this shell cowering from life and love.

 

Either he gets this kick in the fanny and snaps out of it or he was never going to and THAT is better to know now.

[blob1939]

It isn't about believing him.

 

It is about getting your needs met in the relationship.

 

You need emotional support and you need to know that you are connected. THAT IS NORMAL.

 

You are right, the point here is that I do need and want emotional support, so even if what he says is true, I'm not going be happy in this relationship.

 

 

Caring about others is risky. We can get hurt. But those that live life and have the ability to love and be brave reach out and do LOVE.

 

Those that live their lives fearfully always try to play it safe and create a false bubble around themselves.

 

What they fail to realize is that those walls that keep others out also keep them IN.

 

I told him already that he created a bubble around him and he doesn't allow anybody to get in. His answer was "You are right, I'm going to try to change", but either he couldn't and I have to accept that and move on or he didn't even try it and I have to move on.

 

 

Either he gets this kick in the fanny and snaps out of it or he was never going to and THAT is better to know now.

 

I agree. I think your *plan* will show me exactly what he really feels about me. Thanks!

[cbreitel]

I have mixed feelings about this one. Your situation reminds me of the girl I'm currently dating, who is similarly "distant" when I tried flirting with her between dates through texts or emails. This resulted in my backing off and slowing things down on my end. Like your guy, she also recently told me that she was hurt in a relationship years ago so she's put up a wall that takes a while to get through to.

 

My concern for you is that you're far enough along in the relationship that you can't afford the patience that he apparently needs before he can break down his "wall". If you've already concluded that you're unhappy with the way things are, maybe it is time to move on.

[Asami]

It isn't about believing him.

 

It is about getting your needs met in the relationship.

 

You need emotional support and you need to know that you are connected. THAT IS NORMAL.

 

I would tell him:

" Look. I realize that you deal with things differently but I need emotion from my partner in a relationship. I need to know we are connected. You say you care about me then my needs and feelings should be important to you.

respect you enough to tell you that the communication I get from you needs improvement."

 

Then step back and allow him time to make an effort.

 

If he doesn't do it - you tell him he hasn't been trying to meet your needs in the realationship and you are moving on.

 

And that is all you say. Then you go NC.

 

If at that point or soon after he realizes he cares more than he "allows" himself to then you will have already set a basis of your wants. Then you "demand" that you are shown he cares in order to move forward. (Hold him to it too.)

 

 

 

This is a total complete bull story that he is feeding you.

 

I would have called him out on it too.

 

What REALLY happened is he got hurt "OW OW OW! I hurt! I am crawling into an emotional cave and I am not going to participate anymore!"

It isn't strength he is showing it is cowardice and fear.

 

Caring about others is risky. We can get hurt. But those that live life and have the ability to love and be brave reach out and do LOVE.

 

Those that live their lives fearfully always try to play it safe and create a false bubble around themselves.

 

What they fail to realize is that those walls that keep others out also keep them IN.

 

Same thing with putting someone on a "short leash". Yes that person is on a short leash and is closely monitored BUT the other end of the leash is being held by somebody who has to constantly do the monitoring.

So they are both on a leash really.

 

There he is in this shell cowering from life and love.

 

Either he gets this kick in the fanny and snaps out of it or he was never going to and THAT is better to know now.

 

Islandgirl, you always hit the nail on the head! to the OP, I think the plan is a good idea hopefully you get the answer to how does feel about you.

[Island Girl]

Islandgirl, you always hit the nail on the head!

 

Awww, Thanks!

 

to the OP, I think the plan is a good idea hopefully you get the answer to how does feel about you.

 

Yes blob1939 - I know you have talked about this once before. But it is different if you put it as clearly and succinctly as I stated.

 

Instead of just talking about his bubble you are stating very clearly and unemotionally that you need more than he is providing.

 

If you say this and this way he WILL understand. He may not believe you will do anything about it and he may not rise to the occasion.

 

But then when you do drop the bomb and go NC he will know exactly why and he will know after a time what he needs to do to fix things.

 

And as I said, if he doesn't, then he was not as invested as you certainly are and you need to move on from that anyway. So either way on your side your situation improves!

[robinincarolina]

You can talk to a man until you are blue in the face. What you are telling him on a subconcious level everytime you pick up that phone and call him is that you are needy, and insecure. Let him do the persuing, you should not have to. Men do not respond to words, they do respond to distance. Perhaps you should turn the tables and be emotionally distant from him. I would almost guarantee that if he does not hear from you for a couple of weeks, if he really does care, he will be knocking down your door. He will also start viewing you as a confident woman that does not need him. This is very very attractive to a man.

 

Men do not think the way we do as women. They do not deal with emotions. I was in a similiar situation where the distance was growing. I broke off the relationship and went into shut down. Ohhhh it was so hard, but the pay off was soooo worth it. 3 weeks later he is on my doorstep and yes, now I am getting what I want and need out of a relationship. It scared him to death when he thought I was ok without him but it takes a man longer to come to terms with their feelings a lot of the time.