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His ex girlfriend is prettier than me.


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Old 17th May 2009, 2:13 PM   #1
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His ex girlfriend is prettier than me.

I'm not blind, I can see in the mirror.

It's been five months since we started dating and we went to the bar last night. This super gorgeous girl started talking to him, hihowareyou, imgoodnicetoseeyou, blah blah.

After we left the bar, he told me she was his ex, and that she was crazy and super jealous and a psycho when he dated her.

She's absolutely gorgeous and I'm just...well...I'm okay. I'm pretty plain looking. I'm thin but not very thin and I have really small boobs. I don't know. I feel totally incompetent now.

The worst part is, she was crazy and "super jealous", but I let out a little bit of a jealous side about something earlier this week and he brought it up last night, our first fight...which isn't too bad to go for five months without a fight and then finally have one, but still.

I don't know. I feel really insecure now. I thought everything was OK and now I think he's just settling because he's with me.

I feel like taking out a bank loan and getting a nose job, liposuction, breast implants, and veneers. Ugh.

EDIT: And by the way, we got in a fight earlier this week, not right after he saw his ex, just to let you know.
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Old 17th May 2009, 2:25 PM   #2
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Your being jealous reminded him of his ex and probably freaked him out a bit - history repeating itself and all that. Does this mean you have to pretend not to be jealous? I don't think so. It's not a nice emotion to feel and not one you normally can feel proud of, anger yes 'I was justified', sadness, 'boo hoo, I got my heart broken', but jealousy is one of those grey areas where you can come out looking bad.

My advice would be to simply talk to him, now that the argument is over and say 'look, I can't say I'll never get jealous again, but when you do x y z, yes it can bring out the green-eyed monster, because I really like you and want it to be me that you are connecting with, not some other girl (or whatever the issue was about). Also, I'm a bit concerned that you are afraid that I'm going to be like your ex, I hope you realise that we are different people, and just because I acted a bit jealous last week doesn't mean I'm the same as her'.

As regards the prettier thing. Pretty on the outside, rotten on the inside (from the sounds of it). Is he going out with her? Did her good looks keep him around? No! Her bad behaviour drove him away and no perfect figure and looks will make up for that. Bravo to your boyfriend for not keeping her on his arm simply because she looks good, he wants to be with someone nice, which is you. He chose to be with you, and is. If you start thinking you're not good enough for him over and over, you will make it so and then he'll start believing that too. So just stop right now with the 'she's prettier than me' thoughts!!!!
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Old 17th May 2009, 2:29 PM   #3
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Don't sabotage yourself. Clearly, he is attracted to you or he wouldn't have been with you for the last 5 months. And, believe it or not, looks are just one part of the overall package. A small part, I might even dare to say.
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Old 17th May 2009, 2:38 PM   #4
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Wow, guys. I had two tears just slide down my face because that was so comforting. I don't have anyone else to talk to about this and even though I feel kind of awful right now that just made me breathe a little easier.
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Old 17th May 2009, 2:54 PM   #5
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Think of it this way. Ok, I know I'm talking about guys here, but the guys that I most badly wanted to be with were "cute" and a bit dorky rather than "hot." Sure, I was attracted to them initially because they were cute, but they weren't intimidating and they got female attention, but not in droves.

I don't know the history of your bf and his ex, and I don't know much about the relationship between you and him, but I can say that attraction is a pretty absolute thing. If it's there between you and BF, then it's there, period.

Also, thin but not too thin sounds pretty ideal to me. It's worrying that you feel this conventionally "hot" image is the only type that men find attractive, cause it's not!
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Old 17th May 2009, 3:08 PM   #6
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The "crazy, jealous" side of her personality made her looks irrelevant. I've also dated really pretty women who had issues. Their looks were a shallow, small reward for the fact that we couldn't really enjoy being together. Real intimacy wasn't there.

Women who match the stereotypes for beauty get treated like a stereotype. I think the majority of them end up with distorted ideas of what men really care about. Every guy in the world is nice to them, and it's not often based on any real appreciation of who the woman is. Some of them learn to take advantage of how much men will offer them just to have them around. So they have a hard time trusting, and their relationships end up being difficult and full of conflict. That just reinforces the insecurities and lack of trust.

It's not true in every case. But it has caused me to have a bias against stereotypically great looking women. I'd rather be with a woman who has had more balance in her life. I definitely want to be physically attracted to who I'm with. But I get a lot more turned on by a cute woman who takes care of herself, and who can trust and be intimate.

The fact that you got jealous is no big deal. Everyone gets jealous, and sometimes it even leads to fights. But he's keenly aware of the difference between occasional healthy jealousy and insecurity like yours (I assume) and the chronic, impossible kind his like his ex's. Don't worry about it.
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Old 17th May 2009, 3:27 PM   #7
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Don't get insecure about exes, unless your guy is still hung up on them. It sounds like he's over her, so it's not a significant issue.

What I find more telling than ex g/fs, are the women any men pursue, after the relationship is over. It's a form of entertainment, since it becomes blatantly obvious what they value.

Trust in your gut instincts, zilverlender. Don't let your personal insecurities overwhelm. If your honest gut instincts are raising an alarm, believe it. If they're not and it's just a competitive thing, let it go.
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Old 17th May 2009, 3:27 PM   #8
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Thanks for your male perspective, LandShark.

No, I'm definitely not crazy jealous. I've never even been on his MySpace or FaceBook (and I know he has them, because he's showed me something on them once before) because I really just DON'T want to know. (You know how when you look for something, you WILL find it?...heh.)

I've never asked about any of his exes, because again, I DON'T want to know, but he did give me a little story about the aforementioned supermodel looking ex who took his phone from him and deleted all attractive female phone numbers from his phone.

I've never even touched his phone except to see an NFL score. I have no idea how it works. It looks like an alien phone. LOL.

The reason we got in an argument was because, well, we work in the same building, and one day I walked over to his cubicle to see him, and I saw that some girl had taken a Polaroid picture of herself and tacked it on the wall?? It embarrassed me sooo much, especially because everyone knows we are dating.

I got a little jealous, but mostly embarrassed, and didn't let any of it out until later that night and a bottle of wine down, when I drunkenly texted him about it, he told me I was being weird and that he would take the picture down, and then I cried. Drunkenly.

I thought we were over it the next day but at the bar he brought it up and then he brought it up again last night. I think last night he was being jokey about it because his friend was there.

That's about it when it comes to jealousy with us, I guess.
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Old 17th May 2009, 3:32 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Isolde View Post
Think of it this way. Ok, I know I'm talking about guys here, but the guys that I most badly wanted to be with were "cute" and a bit dorky rather than "hot." Sure, I was attracted to them initially because they were cute, but they weren't intimidating and they got female attention, but not in droves.

I don't know the history of your bf and his ex, and I don't know much about the relationship between you and him, but I can say that attraction is a pretty absolute thing. If it's there between you and BF, then it's there, period.

Also, thin but not too thin sounds pretty ideal to me. It's worrying that you feel this conventionally "hot" image is the only type that men find attractive, cause it's not!
Absolutely 100% agree. I've said this time and time again: I'll take the awkward, cute, dorky girl over the aggressive, smoking "hot" one any day of the week.

OP: It's fine to feel jealous, just don't let it control you. The fact is, he's with YOU, and obviously he's very attracted to you.
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Old 17th May 2009, 3:35 PM   #10
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Hot and crazy cancell each other out, as a guy, believe me!...I'd much rather date someone cute, and normal. Plus, don't overlook the comfort factor you have together...once a guy is attractive to you, after that it's how he feels when he is with you....Good luck!
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Old 17th May 2009, 5:41 PM   #11
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Don't you know the old rule...

Women are:
- Beautiful
- Intelligent
- Sane

.... but you can only pick two.
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Old 17th May 2009, 5:50 PM   #12
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Smile

It's been five months since we started dating .


Well who is he with her or you? Don't go down this jealousy road as you too will soon be an EX. You're with him and he's with you. Just remeber that and you will be fine. By the way I'll start chasing his ex. Here kitty kitty.....
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Old 17th May 2009, 5:53 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Enema View Post
Don't you know the old rule...

Women are:
- Beautiful
- Intelligent
- Sane

.... but you can only pick two.
I LOVE that!! LOLOL!! Too funny (and almost scarily almost true!)
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Old 17th May 2009, 6:07 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Enema View Post
Don't you know the old rule...

Women are:
- Beautiful
- Intelligent
- Sane

.... but you can only pick two.

That's hilarious, and quite true, actually.

When you said that I went through a mental list of all of the girls I know and picked out their Two. LOL.
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