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GF furious about MaryJane use during the breakup...


tanbark813

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Ok, vent time. As usual, if you get to the bottom of this entry I owe you a six-pack. (For those of you who are still awaiting shipments from previous posts, they're in the mail ;) .)

 

A quick recap: I had a 5 month relationship with a girl that ended in February of this year. The relationship never had a dull moment in both the good and bad sense of the word. I really love this girl and I know she feels the same. But our fights were pretty intense and we had problems working through some things until it all came to a climax and ended. Since the breakup, we have had periods of no contact intermixed with some email and a bit of brief in-person contact. We were each involved with other people in that time span that have since left each of our respective lives. We began talking again and after a lot of discussion in the past month, got back together a couple weeks ago.

 

Up until last night everything was great. This girl--I'll call her Y (bonus points if you know what 'Y' stands for)--seemed much more motivated to have a strong, honest relationship. At the risk of sounding like a "Love Advice Expert" she seemed in a much better place to make a commitment. We had a few talks that before would have erupted into fights, but this time we talked through them calmly and rationally. She knew I didn't quite have complete trust in her because of our history, but she was understanding of that and was willing to work on it. She constantly reassured me she wanted to be with me forever and we even half-jokingly talked about what the kids would look like and what we would name them.

 

So last night I went to her house to exchange Christmas presents (I'll be out of town next week). That went well and among the gifts she got me was all the bathroom stuff I need in a drawer in her bathroom and a drawer in her dresser that also contained a spare set of keys to her place. The main gift she got me was a pocket watch that said "Eternal Love" and had our names engraved.

 

We headed off to dinner and were having a great time and in the middle of dinner I brought up something that I've been meaning to talk with her about. When we were first together, I had never done any drugs other than alcohol and smoked on rare occasions. My buddy offered me pot regularly but I always turned it down when I was with her because she's always been against drugs. In fact, her father left her and her mother when she was a baby because he was a drug dealer.

 

After we brokeup, I tried pot about 5 or 6 times out of curiosity and because I didn't have to worry about her reaction. It didn't really appeal to me that much anyway. This past weekend, however, I went down to LA with my best friend to surprise a good friend of ours for his birthday. During the course of the night we smoked a joint with this guy we met, partied it up, and that was about it.

 

So I told all this to Y last night at dinner because I thought I should and if it was going to come up while hanging out with my friends, I'd rather she hear it directly from me. She was irritated to say the least at first and made me promise to never do it again. I agreed to that and I honestly don't really care if I never do it again. But after a tense silence I got her to open up more and she just kept getting more and more angry about the whole thing.

 

She went off about how I betrayed her and didn't take her feelings into consideration. She also said that she considered it right up there with cheating. I called BS on that since I know I would have received a much more intense reaction had I actually cheated on her. I mean, she's Puerto Rican. ;) After we paid the check and went out to the car, she went off on how a big part of what she admired in me is gone and that she wants to be with me but doesn't know if she can anymore. I apologized and promised to never do it again and told her that's all I could really do now but we just kept going around in circles.

 

I asked her if she wanted to work through it all or just go home and she just kept answering "I don't know" so I took her home. In her driveway we argued for another 20 minutes about the same basic stuff and how she doesn't think I truly understand how she feels. I told her I do but that I can't do anything other than to never do it again. She started telling me to admit to saying f**k you to her feelings and being an @#%$. I firmly declined since I didn't feel I did either of those. I admitted to making a mistake, being sorry about it, and promising to never do it again, but that's all I'll admit to. She went off on how people who smoke pot are mindless drones and stupid and she doesn't know if she sees me like that now or not. After being berated a bit more I finally told her that unless she was willing to talk about this calmly, I'm not going to just sit here through all this BS so she left the car and went inside.

 

She called to check up on me that I got home alright after I left her (I live about 40 minutes away), and we spoke briefly over the phone but didn't really get anywhere. She sounded more calm but said she was just as upset. I kinda took a cheap shot and said that if everything she said about loving me and wanting to be with me forever and the "Eternal Love" that was engraved in the pocket watch were all true, then it should only takes seconds for her to know if she wants to be with me or not. She didn't see it that way and we got off the phone abruptly.

 

I managed to fall asleep but my adrenaline has been pumping for about 14 hours now and it's been making me physically ill for about the past 6 hours or so. The first hour or so was kinda fun actually, but this is really starting to suck. I tried calling her an hour ago but her phone is off. So, the plan for now is to play a little C&C Renegade online, and then hit the gym once I get bored with that. Thank God for drama, my chest is starting to fill out nicely. :)

 

Personally I think she's over-dramatizing everything in order to level the trust playing field and gain a little leverage in the relationship. I even told her that but of course she denies it. So who knows what's to come, but if you read all this I'll be swinging by the store for ya.

 

;)

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(I'll take a bottle of wine over the 6 pack, can I? LOL)

 

Okay, so she seems to have really overreacted. You were honest about it all, and you tell us here that you could take the stuff or leave it (meaning, you don't necessarily plan to do it in the future)......but, this gal has admitted to you that her own father was a drug dealer, who walked out on her and her mother. I can very much understand her hypersensitivity when it comes to this subject. She's seen, first hand, what drugs can do. She obviously wants no part of anyone who's into that scene, whether it's something as seemingly innocent as weed or not.

 

Frankly, i think you just scared the crap out of her. She likely never thought you'd do weed and then to find out you did, well, it freaked her out...and brought back visions of her own father's addiction/dealing/her childhood, etc.

 

I can understand where she's coming from, in terms of her feelings about the kind of people who use drugs, even weed. I feel the same way. In fact, the last guy I dated (i'm 35, he was 38)....as we got to know each other, it came out that he smoked pot occasionally, but judging by the way he sang its praises, I got the distinct impression that he was more than an occasional user......and I lost a lot of respect for him. When I think of someone this age doing weed, it takes me back to my days of high school, remembering the "bad boys" who would sneak out on a break to toke up.....totally burnt out dudes, not too many brain cells left, real party dogs, none too bright. Just can't really understand why an adult would need to use weed......what's wrong with having a clear head?

 

Anyway, what's done is done. You can't turn back the clock. You have to really get honest with yourself, though.......can you say to yourself, without a shadow of a doubt, that you'll never do weed again? Or do you think that's unfair of you to have to make such promises, whether to yourself or her? Is it realistic? Or will you end up resenting her, feeling that she's controlling what you do in your free time?

 

Most women don't want to be hanging out with a guy who's doing something illegal...who's buying something that's illegal...who might be keeping weed in his possession/in his home (however little).cuz, it's illegal. No gal wants to think her man has a dealer that he buys from. Yuck.

 

So do some soul searching.....and decide for yourself whether you can truly go the rest of your life, without doing it again..even when in the presence of partying pals who encourage you.........if you can vow to yourself not to do it again, then try writing her a letter (do you email back and forth at all?)....and explain to her that you really are sorry, that you were insensitive to her feelings about the whole issue of drugs (given her father), and that out of respect for her, you'll never do it again........that kind of thing. Sometimes reading things in a letter, especially when there's tension there, can be a better way to get one's feelings/point across.

 

But don't promise something you can't keep your word about.

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Neither of you have achieved the maturity required for a healthy and stable long term relationship.

 

You clearly knew exactly what her reaction to your smoking marijuana, a third degree misdemeanor in most jurisdictions, would be and not only did you do it but you had the poor judgement to tell her about it. And you claim that it is her who is seeking drama???

 

She clearly is unable to listen to honest communication, accept that you are human and still a growing boy, and forgive you totally without being judgemental and flying into a tirade. She is not the kind of lady most people would want for a girlfriend or wife. There will be many mistakes you will make in the future. It's obvious she's not smart enough to react rationally and appropriately in order to create an atmosphere where you can feel free to tell the truth and disclose mistakes to her. She just hasn't figured that out yet.

 

You need more time on the planet to get things into better focus...do all your experimenting with illegal substances, etc.... You sound like a good guy with lots of great potential. When you get there, go seek a lady without such a hot temper. Having somebody like that in your life will surely make it a living hell.

 

There is no amount of love that can survive the kind of crap the two of you are putting each other through. It just wasn't meant to be. Love isn't supposed to work this way.

 

Get yourself back on track and don't seek another relationship until you can cease playing such childish games.

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I certainly have no problem never doing it again. I've never really been into it and I was just curious about it. My friends aren't the type of people to give me a hard time if I don't do it. They could care less one way or another about that.

 

I really don't feel like I'd be missing out on anything if I never did it again. I'm only 25, so I think I'm still allowed to have my experimental days. :) And one of my friends always says: "If you're curious about something, do it while you're young and before you have a family and all that."

 

I promised her I'd never do it again and I know I can follow through, but I don't know if she really believes that. It did come to her as quite a shock and while I accept responsibility for my own actions, she's trying to blame me for the fact I brought up all these feelings about her dad. I have no problem accepting blame for what I did, but I told her I take no part of her issues with her dad. I'll be here as a shoulder all she wants for that, but there's no way I'm taking blame for his mistakes or for her issues regarding that.

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All that's mighty fine but you missed the point. You shouldn't have brought this up in the first place...and you need to really take a look at her inability to forgive and forget your transgressions.

 

It is impossible to have a relationship with somebody who holds onto stuff once the other party has expressed apologies.

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I agree about the last line you wrote, Tony, but I don't think I really missed the point. I didn't address it specifically in my last reply, but I think I understood. Although I don't see why I shouldn't have brought it up to her. I told her because it was bound to come out eventually so better sooner than later. And if she's going to be with me it's going to be the true me, not some fake, polished me that tries to hide all his faults.

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I somewhat agree with you...therefore it will be incumbant upon you to find a partner who can handle the truth.

 

I do still feel there are certain things about one's life that can remain private and personal. I don't think that just because you're in a relationship, your partner needs every detail about your life...especially if the detail does not affect them in any way. I respect that you disagree with me.

 

Best of luck to you!!!

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Thanks Tony. Well the cards are pretty much laid on the table and she's on her way over right now. I've apologized and she's accepted so I have yet to see if we can have an enjoyable evening together. Although I have to admit that's it's getting hard to bite my tongue now that I've been given close to 24 hours of beratement because of something that was entirely my right to do.

 

Ain't love grand?...

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So Tanbark, how did last night go? Good or tense or what? Do tell!

 

I know I should likely just let this go, but I feel compelled to bring it up again. It's sort of in regards to something you wrote:

 

I promised her I'd never do it again and I know I can follow through, but I don't know if she really believes that. It did come to her as quite a shock and while I accept responsibility for my own actions, she's trying to blame me for the fact I brought up all these feelings about her dad. I have no problem accepting blame for what I did, but I told her I take no part of her issues with her dad. I'll be here as a shoulder all she wants for that, but there's no way I'm taking blame for his mistakes or for her issues regarding that.

 

I strongly sense that you feel like this girl is trying to control you, and you resent that. Here's what I think (take it or leave it)....Yes, she WAS shocked. She likely had NO IDEA whatsoever that you would try/do drugs. So you admitted you had, and yeah, it caught her off guard. Anyone in a relationship can be shocked when they believe their partner is a certain what/doesn't do something/does something, then finds out otherwise, particularly after the length of time you two have known each other.

 

Something else I hope you can keep in mind.....when people (men or women) have a difficult history (like childhood) where they were exposed to things like abuse, cheating, drug addiction/selling, alcoholism.....and it left a very big impact on their life, naturally they're going to be very sensitive to those issues later in life.

 

For example....if a woman grows up as a child in a home where Dad or Mom is a raging drunk, where homelife is chaotic.....there's no stability, lots of tension and crying and uncertainty, and say the "problem parent" ends up walking out and leaving the rest of the family to try and pick up the pieces.........that will definitely have a lasting impact on the remaining members of that family. That's not 'baggage', that's just a fact. So....if this woman gets into a relationship with someone who doesn't appear to drink, maybe once in a blue moon......then suddenly she sees he's starting to get plastered and is drinking lots, it's only NATURAL that she's going to have concerns. Nobody wants a relationship that's going to potentially mirror the sh*tty environment they grew up in as a child. And yes, it CAN bring back memories. That's not so hard to understand, is it??

 

Just like if a woman is in a very abusive relationship and is smacked around a lot, beaten.......but gets out of it. Then 10 yrs later, she gets into another relationship...and this guy seems great: kind, considerate, loving, easy going.....but one day he flips right out and starts raging and carrying on and she sees a "look" in his eyes that she's seen before (with abusive hubby)......naturally she's going to go back to a place where she was abused in the past, if only for a second....and she's naturally going to freak out and think "oh God, here we go again." That's just human nature.

 

SO...what I'm saying is.......as human beings, and partners, if we really care about each other, we have to try and be sensitive to the things that might upset one another. Doesn't mean you have to walk on eggshells or treat them with kid gloves.......or deny yourself your own identity/life.........but in your situation, you already know what kind of hellish life your g/f had........imagine how horrible that would be for a child to grow up in a home where the male role model, Dad, is a drug dealer.........likely selling drugs from the home....all kinds of shady characters coming over, Dad likely getting high and not hiding it....the fights Dad and Mom would have over it, etc etc. Now you admit to her that YOU'VE done weed a few times, which is a shock to her because she didn't think you were the type to mess with even something like weed. Well, of course it's going to be a concern and she's going to have to sit down and wonder if she wants to be with someone who might do more than just 'try it a few times'...........most drug users have a point where they "just tried it once" and then it continued from there.

 

I'm glad, though, that you did tell her. Yes, it would have been more detrimental had she heard it from someone else (as you suspected she might, which you admitted is what triggered you to tell her in the first place).......but if you can't handle being with a girl who rightly-so, has issues about drugs and such, then out of respect for her, you should end things now.........because this is an area that you need to be sensitive to, and if you feel that's asking too much of you, to try and put yourself in her place, then it's not going to work.

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Well first in response to your post: I don't really disagree with it necessarily, but her dad left when she was a baby so it's not like she was exposed to the drug use first-hand. Her main issue is that her dad left for weed so if her own dad left her for that then why should anyone else she just met stay with her. It's more about abandonment than anything. It's one thing to have issues, but it's another thing to blame someone for someone else's mistakes. And I got the feeling that she was leaning towards the latter, whether she realized it or not. I try to be sensitive to her baggage (for lack of a better term) and don't joke around about it or anything, and if she ever wanted to spill anything on her mind I'd be more than happy to listen, but I refuse to be a scratching post for aggression that deserves to be pointed elsewhere. I'm not going to be made to feel any worse than I deserve.

 

As for last night: When she came over she was pretty much just neutral. A simple hug and a slight kiss and we ate dinner that I had prepared. She was rather pouty and kept to the far end of the couch afterwards. We managed snuggling a bit in front of the tv, but only after I pulled her to me. But when she refused to kiss me while we were laying there then we got into a bit of a fight. She's never not wanted to kiss me before and was trying to play it off like she was just relaxing so I called her on that. The fight was more of her getting things off her chest and being angry that I shouldn't just give up weed for her (not like I ever really did it much anyway), but that I should be disgusted by it myself and give it up on my own terms. She said that I ruined her perfect image of me which is BS because I know I have other flaws. :) We went in circles for a bit reiterating some things and finally I just cut through the crap and brought it down to the bottom line:

1. I did something within my right to do but if it bothers her I won't do it. It's up to her to believe my promise.

2. Nobody's perfect and either she accepts me, flaws and all, or I'll find someone who will.

 

So that pretty much ended things and she finished off with that if I ever get curious about anything else that at least we try it together. But she added that she has an addictive personality so I'll be leading her down a path that will change her forever. It's just a pre-emptive guilt trip basically, but I agreed since it won't be an issue anyway since I've never been big into drugs to begin with.

 

After that, the rest of the night was great. She snuggled with me, let her guard down, laughed, joked, and even had some good ol' make up sex. We spent today together and I'm just on the computer for a sec before I head down to her place tonight. Things are fine now so I think this issue has pretty much been laid to rest.

 

Thanks for the great feedback though. :)

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Listen, I'm gonna tell you something that you must always remember, and this is coming from a big time pothead. Drugs are VERY bad. However, they are not bad in any way that you are thinking. What happens when you try drugs is other people who lack any knowledge on the subject automatically assume that you are some desperate junkie, which usually is beyond the truth. Now Marijuana is different than other drugs since it really only posesses positive benefits, unless you count junk food and sleeping soundly as negative characteristics, hehe.

 

So anyway, by you smoking herb this girl, probably subconsiously, classified you as a DRUG USER. When she looks at you she no longer sees you as a person, but as someone who abuses drugs. I know that you may not believe me but its the truth, and everybody does it, even if they don't mean to judge. It's just human nature to judge and since you did an activity considered immoral by many, she's going to judge you negatively. Like I said I smoke Pot many times a day and nothing bad comes out of it, but I will admit that if you want successful friendships or relationships then keep away from all drugs.

 

As for her getting mad at you, well she has every right to since it shows shes caring. Just keep in mind that you were broken up, therefore its your decision. Just be thankful that she got angry, it shows she cares. It's when people stop caring is when you should get worried. So take a deep breath, apologize to the lady, and only use drugs responsibily and if you are sure it wont affect anyone else other than you, physically or emotionally. Thats the best advice i can give you.

 

Just remember, humans are judgemental by nature. We are always judging other for stupid reasons...every mistake you make hurts your chances with other people. Try not to screw up too much, even if it means taking away some of your freedom or pride. You were given the gift of free will, but that doesnt mean that you may use it whenever you want. You are always controlled by other's judgements.

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Excellent insights and great advice. As sad as it is, most people are judgemental, many harshly so, and our actions are always subject to that.

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