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New guy coming on too strong....creeping me out


Just A Girl2

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I met a guy my age online about a week ago. We'd actually briefly chatted over a year ago, but I wasn't interested then for different reasons.

 

He seems like a really nice guy, but almost too nice. Um, almost like he's smothering me already.

 

We're to meet for the first time tomorrow night and he's making such a big deal about it that instead of looking forward to meeting, I'm almost started to dread it, and half consider calling it off.

 

History on him: He's been divorced for 2 yrs, no kids. Apparently his ex wife cheated on him, nearly shopped them into debt and basically just wasn't very mature. Too busy out with her girl friends, at the bars and that kind of thing.

 

He's made it clear that he's looking for a serious relationship, and wants very much to find the 'right person' for him and settle down again. That's cool, we're on the same wavelength in this regard but if his ?clinginess at this early stage of the game is any indication of how ?dependent he is, this is not going to work. But, maybe I'm just so used to jerks that his 'niceness' seems so much more magnified?

 

Here are some examples of what's going on, I'd welcome your feedback please:

 

1) After our second time talking on the phone, he mentioned that "now" he'd have one more Xmas gift to buy (meaning, one for me). He brought this up again today. I just flat out told him that it's just not necessary whatsoever, in these early stages, to be exchanging gifts. I think that's just wayyy too much. Besides, then I'd have to go out and get him something. I don't know him well enough to even know his taste in anything, and so many times I've bought guys really nice gifts and then things didn't work out, and I'd dropped $100 for nothing. I told him that perhaps exchanging a card would be plenty...then he had to get in there that he still had something for me. Jesus. I think I should stick to my guns and not buy him anything, regardless of him letting me know he's bought me something for pete's sake.

 

2) He's a trucker and spends most of the day driving in his truck. I've been very busy lately, with final exams and getting ready for Christmas and such.....but he keeps asking me all sucky like " would you mind calling me during the day at 'such and such' time, it will make my day to hear your voice'. I don't mind doing that, but not when I'm asked. We're not some big couple yet, we haven't even met yet...but it's like he wants to act like we ARE a couple. Geez. A few times now, I've just been really busy, and just not interested in calling up for idle chit chat........so then he'll call me, and leave a voicemail. Then when he calls in the evening, he'll remind me that he left me a message. Seems so needy in this respect. It's turning me off. It would be different if we'd dated for a month or so and knew each other in person.

 

3) He is making such a complete deal out of us meeting tomorrow night. The plan is that he'll come over and we'll watch some movies. I don't know how many times now, he's gone over his day Saturday, when he'll get to work, what time he'll load up his truck, what time he'll be on the road, what time he'll be back at the shop, what time he'll be free to be with me. It's almost like this is the highlight of his life. Kind of scary, don't you think? He doesn't even really know me (though he keeps telling me what a sweetie I am, and when he says goodnight on the phone, he now says "goodnight dear"). This evening, he called and asked when the "earliest" we can get together tomorrow night........could it be as early as 5pm because he "doesn't just want to spend a couple hours together, wants to spend more." I jokingly asked him if he has a curfew or something.

 

What's the big deal? How much time do 2 strangers have to spend together on the first evening they meet? God, now I'm already fearing that he won't want to leave til 2am...and what if we just don't click, or *I* don't feel that we really do..then I have to sit there for hours on end, wishing he'd just leave? Ugh.

 

He keeps telling me that he's going to sweep me off my feet....is making subtle references about us being together in the future (ie..marriage).....that we're perfect for each other........and to some this might sound like a dream guy, and I do believe he's sincere in what he's saying (read: isn't trying to charm/BS me)....but for God's sake, he doesn't even know me. I could be the biggest bitch on wheels in real life, you know? I keep reminding him that you have to really spend time with someone to get to know them.

 

I am off from school, from Dec 24 to Jan 6. Coincidentally, he's off from work for this period, too. He's already made references to us spending tons of time together during this holiday break. God, I still have school work to do in that time, and dammit, this is also a much needed break from school for me......I know right now there are going to be days where I just want to sleep in, putter around my house, visit some family, watch Oprah in my PJ's, relax. Already I sense that he's going to be on my ass every day, to spend time together. Frig !

 

He keeps telling me that he keeps going and looking at the picture I sent him online. Almost each day he tells me that he 'just looked at it again.' Okay, I'm flattered, but does this guy have no dignity? He comes across as almost desperate or one who falls head over heels for a stranger.

 

Tonight he let it slip that he basically has saved some of the voicemails I've left for him, so he can listen to them again. Okay, I couldn't stand it, so I told him that was 'weird'..which it is.

 

Maybe I'm just much more realistic than him.....and I no longer get all excited/get my hopes built up over someone I've met online.......I'm no longer one to be easily charmed or schmoozed, you know? I prefer to just go with the flow and see how things go......versus picking out china patters after week 2.

 

He seems to have a lot of good qualities, I'll give him that. We do seem to have an amazing amount of things in common, including our beliefs on life, relationships, current events, religion, interests, etc..........but it's almost like he's convinced himself that I am his soulmate and we are going to be together forever. He often even makes joking comments like "you're not going to be able to get rid of me, sweetie." I know that sounds almost stalkerish, and he doesn't say it in a stalkerish tone..it's more him trying to convince me that he's a committed guy and not one to waste someone's time, but......

 

He keeps telling me how it's been years since he was "this excited" to get up in the morning...how his mind is always wandering, thinking about me..........and between this and the things above, I'm started to be turned off.

 

I like a guy who's perhaps a bit more of a challenge...not some pushover who sees me as his future wife, even before we've met.

 

I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I don't feel the same way, and how could I? I don't even know him yet (in person)?! He's just coming on far too strong...and I worry that maybe he's just really needy ?

 

As for tomorrow night, as far as I'd had planned, him coming over at 8pm for 3 hours or so would be plenty. I'm going to stick to my guns.

 

He's even kept telling me that he can't wait to meet me, cuz he wants to give me lots of hugs......crap about what big strong shoulders he has.........and in one email he gave me, he'd mentioned that he couldn't wait to give me a kiss. I set him straight right there.......that I don't kiss someone I just met (good god!), and that one "hello hug" would be fine, but if he's expecting that we're going to sit and cuddle up all night, he can forget it.

 

From what I know so far, he DOES seem like he'd make a great boyfriend, possible husband........he's very thoughtful, romantic, he really listens to me, he's got a good head on his shoulders, decent values, not a drinker, comes from a good family.........but dammit, he's going to turn me right off, I'm afraid.

 

Thoughts?

 

Suggestions?

 

Thanks

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He's not a very good romantic strategist and you probably aren't ready for this guy right now.

 

The guy is coming on frightfully strong and he's pretty stupid about handling new relationships. But, it's him and I too believe he's sincere. Regardless, nobody wants love thrown right up in their face so soon...even before meeting in person.

 

You are correct to be absolutely rigid in setting the rules, times, boundaries, etc. Since you have absolutely NOTHING in the world to lose...since you're seriously considering dropping this dude...you'd be doing him a real favor by sitting him down and discussing his demeanor and approach to romance. It would be a great service to him and get your brownie points with the man upstairs.

 

Your feelings are very legitimate but I would certainly meet the guy...hopefully you won't have to fight him off. My best feeling is that he is extremely lonely. He really needs to be taught how to make a lady feel special....and you can't feel special when he comes on like gangbusters without ever having met you.

 

I also think it's a VERY BAD IDEA to have someone come to your place for a first meeting. No matter what you want to call him, he's a stranger. All you know about him is what he's told you in email, on the phone and IMs...and some of that's pretty scary. At least if you met him in a public place, he wouldn't be so inclined to claw you to death.

 

From what you have written, if I were a female I would be horrified at the thought of being alone with this grizzly, love-starved dude inside my apartment.

 

You better give this more thought. Meet him where there's lots of people around...at least the first time. And don't completely judge him quite yet. He may turn out to be a real gentleman and somebody you might want to get to know better....who knows?

 

Please let us know what happens...if you live through it!!!

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Thanks for your insightful response.

 

I think you're right, that he's just lonely, and very much wanting to have someone special in his life. When we first started chatting this time (as opposed to a year ago), he mentioned that he'd been divorced for 2 yrs, and I stated that for me it had been 8yrs. His response to this was, "oh wow, that's a long time, it must be hard?" In other words, I guess because going from being married to being single, he's found it lonely and tough.....and he assumed that because I've been divorced for so long, that it's been hard for me too. Hell no, I told him. Good Lord, the world doesn't stop when you get divorced. People get divorced for a reason....usually because they're miserable married, for whatever reason....so of course being out of a miserable marriage has to be better than being in one?

 

I sensed from this response of his that perhaps he really missed being in a relationship, a marriage, that he was quite lonely. Okay, I feel sorry for him......but I'm not in that place. I would love to find someone good to have a real good long term relationship, but I still have a fairly complete and decent life as a 'single person', you know?

 

I've dated many men in the past who could be quite elusive, and almost too much of a challenge........and not ones to be quite so open with their feelings, or interest in me...........so part of me feels I should just be HAPPY that I've found someone who's making such a concerted effort to let his feelings be known. But 'too much' of anything is not a good thing, whether it's one end of the spectrum or the other.

 

I don't want him to scare me off, because I have this feeling that he would be a good person to date......and I don't want to jump ship and possibly miss out on a really great guy.........but frankly, I just don't know how to even go about telling him to cool his jets. He strikes me as the sensitive type....someone who really wears his heart on his sleeve, who is very open and isn't afraid to express his feelings...........and I fear that if I told him to back off a bit, that it would make him feel horribly stupid and awkward and it would forever change things between us....you know?

 

I've TRIED quite a few times, to 'bring him back to reality'.....especially when he makes comments like "we'll show your parents that we're good together" (he made this comment after he'd asked if I'd told my parents about him yet, and I admitted that i had, briefly...and he asked what my Mom said about it....and I was honest and said that my parents generally don't get too excited when I tell them I've met someone new, because so many times they've seen me hurt or find out the guy is a louse...that they're now a little guarded when it comes to getting all excited for me, understandable, too)..........or when he gets too mushy, telling me I'm such a sweetie and so perfect for him.

 

When he says things like the latter, I would guess that most people would hear the subtle hesitance/skepticism in my response......and I remind him that we should just go with the flow and that who knows?..we could meet and simply not click....that we should just play it by ear......that we haven't even MET yet.....and that I'm far from this 'perfect person' that he seems to be making me out to be.

 

I tried to explain to him that I simply can't totally share his excitement and enthusiasm because I learned a long time ago that it takes TIME to really know if someone is who they portray themself to be.....and in order to lessen the chances of having my hopes dashed, or getting hurt, that I'm simply more reserved now......until a fair bit of quality time has passed. He seems to sound a little 'discouraged' when i try to bring him back to reality like this.

 

He's made me out to be this perfect angel. I'm anything but.

 

As for us meeting at my house, well, I know what you're saying, but for me, I am quite shy when meeting a stranger like this..and I just feel more at ease in my own environment/on my own turf. My neighbor is a cop, and any guy who spends time at my house visiting, is made well aware of this lol.

 

Tonight on the phone (friday), he kept going on about how he was going to go to bed at 9pm, so that he would be 'rested up for tomorrow night'...........it's just watching a movie, not a dance marathon lol

 

Of course when we talked on the phone last night, he again asked if I'd call him at work during the day...just so he could hear my voice. God. It just seems so needy. He's even asked if he could have a copy of the picture I emailed him, to have, to put in his truck. IT'S only been a WEEK!!! At this rate, we'll be shopping for rings next month.

 

I've surely not done or said anything to come across as "more interested" than I am. If anything, I've been extremely reserved and quick to remind him to just take things one day at a time.

 

So again, I just don't know how to tell him to back the boat up, without hurting his feelings or making him feel stupid. I've already been quite vocal in telling him to not get too excited, at least until we've met in person....but he doesn't seem to get it. He's just so gung-ho and going out of his way to make me realize that he's going to "treat me like a princess" (his words) and always be there for me. I feel almost BAD for complaining....because for years, I thought this was the kind of guy I wanted....as compared to the kind of inattentive schmucks I did date then.........but this is just too much, too soon...........and I guess in my old age, I get my back up when I feel pressured.

 

Thanks

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You answer your own posts very well!!!

 

The only way you can tell him to slow down is to tell him directly. I see no reason why this should hurt his feelings....because if you tell him to get lost because he's going too fast, that will probably hurt more.

 

Simply sit him down and educate him on the proper way to court a lady. Let him know clearly that you are an old-fashioned lady who likes to take her time getting to know somebody. Just plain tell him it makes you uncomfortable for him to be making all these grand plans for your life so soon in the relationship. Make it real clear to him...because if you don't and if he doesn't slow down, this is all going to come to a grinding halt. You might also let him know that many of the ideas he advances should be discussed by the two of you and mutually agreed upon.

 

All this is basically what I have already told you...but it's worth repeating.

 

I am also fairly certain that there will be some great sales on rings right after Christmas so shopping and putting a ring on layaway might be a great idea (lol).

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JustA - you may not want to hear from me, but please listen. *TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS*.

 

As for us meeting at my house, well, I know what you're saying, but for me, I am quite shy when meeting a stranger like this..and I just feel more at ease in my own environment/on my own turf. My neighbor is a cop, and any guy who spends time at my house visiting, is made well aware of this lol.

JustA, PLEASE DO NOT LET THIS MAN INTO YOUR PLACE YET. Please. Whether or not your neighbour is a cop, he can't prevent someone from stalking you. I know whereof I speak - I have a friend who was stalked for years by someone he met and had one date with. Make a coffee shop 'your own turf'. You should meet him in a public place.

His overeagerness is not a good sign. He could be a lonely guy, but usually they are more likely to be shy and withdrawn rather than overly assertive. Please err on the side of caution. Start by assuming that he's a problem person and then change that perception as you get to know him.

 

I cannot emphasize enough that you have to follow your instinct. If you get any 'uh-oh's at all from what he does or says (and already you have them!), then trust your instincts. I gave a shy, lonely guy a break and narrowly escaped serious bodily harm. Don't do what I did. When your gut tells you to flee, flee. You have just lectured me at length about my guy - well, this guy is already ignoring your wishes to slow down and he's not able to discern your hesitancy. Not good signs. Even the shyest fellow, if he has the good sense and discernment you seem to think all adults have, should understand that he should be on his best behaviour in the early stages of a relationship.

I've already been quite vocal in telling him to not get too excited, at least until we've met in person....but he doesn't seem to get it.

This, my dear, is bad news. He is not listening to you. He is ignoring your wishes. For what it's worth, that's what my guy does. At minimum, he could have poor social skills. He could be ADD - one typical trait is this sort of 'overfocus' on a new relationship. Or, he could be a worst-case type stalker if not a murderer. One weeks' internet and phone chats are not nearly enough to know a person. The interesting thing about the 'net is that it creates a sense of closeness - people seem to be very self-revelatory. Still, people can deceive themselves - and you. The alcoholic I landed was convinced he didn't drink much. You owe it to yourself to find out what this guy is about *before* you let this man into your home.

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Moimeme,

 

Yeah, the sensible part of me says that meeting at my home is foolish, but for some silly reason, I[m not the least bit concerned. Don't ask me why. I suppose all the phone conversations you have, makes you feel you know them better, and that you can tell they're not a wacko? (false sense of security)

 

He claims to be VERY shy, and he did seem a bit so when we first talked....but considering how gungho he has become, he doesn't seem all that shy now.

 

I dread tonight. I can't stand a needy, clingy, insecure, needing-constant-validation man. I'm afraid to even MEET him, because I fear he'll be even WORSE than he is on the phone, and then I'll be gritting my teeth and wishing I could be abducted by aliens, to end the date lol.

 

A tiny part of me says I should be flattered that this guy is trying so hard and seems so interested and attentive, and seems like the kind who's in something for the 'long haul'........but I almost feel that he's the kind of guy that if I said "jump", he'd instantaneously say "HOW HIGH?".....I don't want a pushover, or someone who can't stand up for their own beliefs/wants.....who will do anything I say.......who isn't totally accomodating. Be an individual.

 

Call it rude but if I do decide to go through with this, I'm not going to be available til 7pm tonight or later, even.

 

Have to do some more thinking here, geez. Thanks

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Hey dudes and dudettes!

 

Well, the infamous date ended about a half hour ago. Whew!

 

Well, so came over, brought me a single red rose (which was very thoughtful) and made sure to get a big hug at the door when he came in. Uh huh.

 

He was nervous, but pretty chit chatty. He looked a little bit different than in his picture, maybe a little bit chunkier, but no biggie.

 

I'd rented "Unfaithful" (Richard Gere)......boring movie, by the way.

 

I didn't think things were too bad initially..but throughout the movie, he was constantly trying to get my attention from across the living room (I was on the couch, he was on the loveseat)..almost like a little child. Making kind of geeky/childish comments.

 

At one point, I was just freezing!...so I covered up with the blanket on the couch....and he took that as his cue to boldly come over the couch and try to give me a hug to warm me up. Ugh. I hid under the blanket and jokingly made it clear for him to back the hell off. (not scared, just not interested) He then proceeded to sit RIGHT beside me.....and constantly making comments throughout the latter half of the movie......constantly trying to get my attention/make eye contact. What a goober. He seems a little socially inept, says kind of stupid things thinking he's funny or something.

 

He seems very nice and everything, but I'm not really interested. He's too cuddly/too needy, I think. I couldn't wait for him to leave. I even faked a few yawns so he'd get the hint. Of course, then he had to pin me down (figuratively) and find out what my plans were for tomorrow. I was just wanting him to leave (so I could watch Trading Spaces lol) so I sort of went along with him...not agreeing to do anything definite but said I had nothing planned. wrong, I'm sure, but I figured if I said I was busy, then he'd stay longer to try and talk me into doing something with him.

 

When I walked him to the door, the ol' octopus had to do his damndest to get some hugs from me. I think he was trying to give me a kiss but I started laughing and wouldn't make eye contact (he's not too sharp about taking a hint). He ended up kissing the back of my head LOL He just kept wanting to give me one hug after another (for frig sakes). Then he asked why I wouldn't look him in the eye, telling me I'm so pretty (now I'm about to hurl) and I quickly change the subject. I FINALLY got the guy out the flippin door and was never more happy to see the back of someone's head !

 

WHEW!!

 

There was one childish comment that sticks out in my mind...he was asking me when I bought my house, I said this past March...and he says, "that's a good month"....I had no idea what he was talking about so I asked him what he meant..then in some kind of lame assed baby-talk-type-dialect, he loudly said "WELL MY BIRTHDAY'S IN MARCH!!" ..acting so shocked because I'd obviously forgotten. *rolling eyes* Um, we've known each other a week and he could have meant ANYTHING by that, and I was supposed to remember his birthday? LOLOLOL

 

He was sucking up too much, to my cats, too......hugging them and talking the same kind of cutesy baby talk....trying, I guess, to show me how much he liked me cats. Woopee doo.

 

So..I'm safe and sound, and glad I went through with it.......but he just doesn't crank my tractor. God only knows how I'm going to deal with tomorrow; he'll be calling me at noon on the dot, I'm sure, to see what I want to do. Guess I'll just cross that bridge tomorrow. I don't want to hurt his feelings..it's obvious he's VERY VERY VERY interested, but he's just a little too clingy/geeky, for me.

 

What did others here do tonight? Anything more exciting? LOL

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YOU ASK: "What did others here do tonight? Anything more exciting?"

 

Well, I went to a girl's house and was geeky and clingy and kissed up to her cats. I even tried to crank her tractor!!!

 

Sounds like you had somewhat of the evening you anticipated but it was nice that you gave him the benefit of the doubt prior to meeting him.

 

Your ONLY choice with a guy like this is to be very, very direct. First you should definitely tell him you are simply not interested in pursuing any kind of association with him. That's the kindest thing you can possibly do. Don't beat around the bush...be very firm, very direct but also very discrete and kind as well. You will be doing yourself a favor because he doesn't take hints and will only respond to directness.

 

If you really feel a little compassion for the guy and would like him to be successful with future dates with others, tell him (very briefly) why you don't care to see him again. While it may make him feel a little uncomfortable at first, in time he will very much appreciate the information. If somebody doesn't tell him, he'll be lonely all his life.

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Hi Just A Girl2,

 

Originally posted by Just A Girl2

Of course, then he had to pin me down (figuratively) and find out what my plans were for tomorrow. I was just wanting him to leave (so I could watch Trading Spaces lol)

 

This is disturbing behavior. Nothing, I repeat nothing should ever come between you and Trading Spaces, especially on a night when 'Doug' installs vehicles in a child's room.

 

I would have called the police and would have had them escort him out.

 

The nerve...

 

:bunny::bunny::bunny:

 

Editor's Note: To see our little rant on Trading Spaces, see this thread. Please post all TS related replies there.

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