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I am no longer attracted to my girlfriend


bananacake

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Hi

 

Ive been with my girlfriend for 4 years now and i love her alot, but im no longer sexually attracted to her. When we started going out, she was fit and eager to have sex, but as years have gone by, she has gained alot of weight and stopped taking initiative. She is trying to lose weight, but nothing is working. She is excersizing regularly, but still eating way too much and not very healthy. If i try to tell her this, she always gets super hurt, so i just try to make healthy food whenever i can. (though she is likely to go out and eat pizza if she isnt full) She always loses a few pounds, gets bored of it and gains double that before trying again.

 

I really do love her and we are great together. I can see myself marrying her, but i am a very sexual person and ive been catching myself looking at other women more and more. Im a musician as well and gigging almost every weekend, so there is always alot of offers. I have never cheated on her and i am certainly not planning too, but it gets harder and harder to turn down beutiful 18 year old girls (im 24) that would certainly give me everything i ever wanted sexually. I dont wanna wake up some day having cheated on my girlfriend because alcohol and a penis with leathal PSI levels took control of my actions. (this happened to my parents and it destroyed my mom)

 

Can you really stay with someone you dont find attractive?

 

(i know im shallow and i know im an a-hole, you dont need to tell me that)

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MindoverMatter

1. Your penis won't suddenly take control over your life, unless you let it happen.

 

2. If you're not attracted to her and you tried to get the attraction back...then c'est la vie. You're not going to be more attracted to her as time goes by, chances are you will start to resent her. End it on a good note and go on with your life.

 

Sometimes it's just not meant to be. She will get over it. So will you. Life is short.

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1. Your penis won't suddenly take control over your life, unless you let it happen.

 

2. If you're not attracted to her and you tried to get the attraction back...then c'est la vie. You're not going to be more attracted to her as time goes by, chances are you will start to resent her. End it on a good note and go on with your life.

 

Sometimes it's just not meant to be. She will get over it. So will you. Life is short.

 

I agree. It's completely fair of you to expect her to put in effort to maintain herself for you. Ask her how she would feel if you refused to shave or shower. Ask her how she would feel if you let yourself go over the years.

 

I take it as my responsibility to stay fit and in shape both for myself and for my attractiveness to my gf. If you're not attracted to her physically, that's not your fault.

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Sometimes it's just not meant to be. She will get over it. So will you. Life is short.

 

I know... But im worried im gonna regret it. I know you must choose your partner for the inner quality's and hers are awesome, but i cant help to wonder if the grass is greener on the other side..

 

I also know theres only one way to find out, but i dont wanna end up dumping her, finding a gorgeous woman, get bored with only sex and end up wanting the old gf back.

 

But im afraid that even though the grass might not be greener, if i dont find out for myself ill always wonder and ill never be content

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Ask her how she would feel if you refused to shave or shower. Ask her how she would feel if you let yourself go over the years.

 

Considering she is trying to lose weight, wouldnt this be a little mean? She is pretty sensitive

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So your girlfriend is already too fat and old for you so now you want an 18 year old?

 

I cant help that i like slim women. If i could turn a knob so i automatically liked them thick i would do so in order to be attracted to her again. And the 18 year old thing was just an example. Last week i was madly attracted to a friend of the bassist in our band and she turned out to be 35.

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Jersey Shortie

Even 24 year old girls can't win.

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Considering she is trying to lose weight, wouldnt this be a little mean? She is pretty sensitive

 

I get that, but it's about action and choice. It's not about making the choice once and saying "I'm gonna lose weight" and then doing it. The real challenge comes AFTER you've made the initial decision when you're thinking about slipping. You have to make the choice AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN, every time there is an opportunity to choose between fast food and health food, salad or pizza, taking the elevator or the stairs.

 

THAT'S where the real choice is. Every day, over and over, you will be tested again and again. How bad do you want it?

 

If she is genuinely trying, she wouldn't be binging all the time like you say. Check out this article, I think it will really resonate with her. It's about the ways we sabotage ourselves when trying to change. Pretty fascinating.

 

http://www.oprah.com/article/omagazine/200901_omag_willpower

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Even 24 year old girls can't win.

 

Letting yourself get fat isn't a strategy for "winning" whatever that means.

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I don't think it is unreasonable for OP to expect his girlfriend to maintain her health and not pack on the pounds. That is a normal expectation.

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Letting yourself get fat isn't a strategy for "winning" whatever that means.

 

I agree. Male or female, when you let yourself go by overeating and lack of activity, it is your OWN fault. There is nothing attractive about someone with a lack of initiative.

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Bananacake... I don't think you are 'Wrong' perse... to not feel attracted to her. Noone can dictate who we should be attracted to BUT... Here's the thing:

 

I feel like maybe you've lost a little respect for her because:

 

A. She let herself go.. and

B. She's saying she's going to do something and does the complete opposite. Which can be frustrating if you were trying to help her.

 

On the other hand...

 

You don't really love her! You THINK you do... but you don't. Real love wouldn't matter if she was fat or not. For instance... I'm normally attracted to physically fit guys myself... but there was this one guy that I was REALLY in love with and his weight fluctuated... and to be quite honest... he could have weighed 500 pounds and I would have still been attracted to him and I would have still wanted to be with him.

 

Yes... it would be mean for you to break up with her considering she might be insecure about her weight and such... but aren't all break-ups mean in a sense???

You owe it to her to let her go and find herself. She's obviously struggling with some personal issues that she needs to be left alone for. This is something you can't really help her with.... especially if you are secretly resenting her for her actions. You're just going to keep resenting her for it. Furthermore... if you aren't attracted to her anymore... the relationship is just going to suffer.

As much as people don't like to admit it... Attraction is a BIG part of maintaining a relationship.

 

Lastly... for you to say that it's because she's gained alot of weight... and you don't feel attracted to her anymore... thats BS... and VERY superficial... Hence the reason why I don't think you really love her. All the things that you are telling yourself about why you like her as a person sound like you are trying to convince yourself that you actually should be with her. I've done this... it doesn't work in the long run!

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mr.dream merchant

First of all Bananacake, ignore some of the female posters trying to shame you for something that isn't wrong from the get go. No you aren't a shallow ******* for finding your GF more attractive when she was fit, not overweight. Do be careful how you use the word "love" though. True love would've masked her health and your fidelity wouldn't have been tested by her appearance changes. Talk to her about it. Tell her to get her ass in gear and start losing some weight. Offer to partake in healthy recreational activities with her. Diet with her. Make it a team effort, she'll most likely not feel alone in it. I know it would suck for me if I were dieting and my SO was munching on a Big Mac right infront of me. Most of all be sensitive to her feelings. I think any girl can vouch for how bad it must suck to know they're not as attractive to their man as they used to be.

 

Whatever you do, don't make her feel unattractive, make her feel loved when you express your CONCERN for her health. But overall, don't beat yourself up about it man. Its natural to be attracted to a healthier individual. Its also natural to find all these other younger more in shape women throwing themselves at you kind of desirable and attractive. But how you act to the situation is what will define you as a good man. Just tell yourself that those 18 year old broads with nice tits, pretty faces, and nice curvacious hips, thighs, and asses could only give you what your shorty at home has been givin you plus more. So in otherwords, just reassure yourself that a **** for the night is not worth losing someone you care about, and who cares about you.

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I dont think ive lost attraction directly because of her weight, but rather everything that came with it. The insecurity, self-bashing and total lack of confidence. If you feel beutiful, you are beutiful, i really believe that. When she was thin, she beamed and was full of life. But now its like she hides herself with huge cloathing, never lets any skin show and shes extremely paranoid. If someone laughs she immideatly thinks they laugh of her.

 

And if i love her or just think i love her... i dont know. I know i love to be with her. She makes me happy. But every time im reminded sex in some way, for example a commercial with attractive women, i just get a big lump in my troath and think "why cant i have that too".

 

And i know this is superficial and shallow. But its not like i can just turn it off and be mr. dreamguy you know

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Bananacake, I went through the same thing when I was younger (although I was your girlfriend!).

 

After so many years at a young age, you just grow apart. Her change is not uncommon for women when they get older (after all, why do so many 25-30+ years women complain they are fat but don't do anything about it?). Sounds like you guys are just growing into different people and that is natural.

 

When my BF dumped me I was 22 and had gone up to about 160lbs at 5'5. Anyways, a few years after being single and working on my self-esteem by myself, I because extremely fit and active, I'm down to 118lbs. Huge diff. She is in a rut.

 

I think it's ok for you guys to go your separate ways - you guys aren't growing together, you are growing apart.

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mr.dream merchant
I dont think ive lost attraction directly because of her weight, but rather everything that came with it. The insecurity, self-bashing and total lack of confidence. If you feel beutiful, you are beutiful, i really believe that. When she was thin, she beamed and was full of life. But now its like she hides herself with huge cloathing, never lets any skin show and shes extremely paranoid. If someone laughs she immideatly thinks they laugh of her.

 

And if i love her or just think i love her... i dont know. I know i love to be with her. She makes me happy. But every time im reminded sex in some way, for example a commercial with attractive women, i just get a big lump in my troath and think "why cant i have that too".

 

And i know this is superficial and shallow. But its not like i can just turn it off and be mr. dreamguy you know

 

It isn't superficial and shallow. You need to stop convincing yourself of that first of all. And I get where you're coming from. When my GF packed on about 10 pounds, all the emotional baggage came with it. The lack of confidence, self-esteem. She didn't even want to be naked infront of me when we had sex. That right there is the major turn off, not the physical but more so the emotional. I made it a team effort for the both of us to shed some pounds and it worked beautifully. She's got her swag, and banging ass body back. She has the meanest walk and sometimes I let her stray in public and watch every guys head snap in her direction. Then I come up behind her and slap her ass infront of them. Lmao, this is all besides the point I'm sorry. But I'm just reinforcing how great it is to have a GF who's got the confidence, the self-esteem, the body. I understand why you're frustrated. Like I said before, express her health as a concern, not so much a thorn in your side. Make it a team effort. Tell her you'll both do it. Even hit the gym together. Biking, walking, swimming, anything together.

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1. Make it a team effort, she'll most likely not feel alone in it. I know it would suck for me if I were dieting and my SO was munching on a Big Mac right infront of me.

 

2. Just tell yourself that those 18 year old broads with nice tits, pretty faces, and nice curvacious hips, thighs, and asses could only give you what your shorty at home has been givin you plus more. So in otherwords, just reassure yourself that a **** for the night is not worth losing someone you care about, and who cares about you.

 

1. Im actually gotten good at this. Im one of those lucky f*ckers that can eat anything and get away with it, but im only eating crappy food when she is at work or school ;)

 

2. Dont worry, i know. My previous girlfriend had a godlike body, but she lacked everything else, so we didnt really have a great sexlife either.

 

Come to think of it, i never had a functioning sexlife. (Maybe its my fault =P)

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You're not being shallow, attraction is not something you can control. Sometimes when women gain weight they feel unattractive and lose interest in sex - could this be the case with your gf? Do you think the attraction might come back if she lost weight? If so, perhaps you could express your concerns about her health and help he to lose weight, exercise together, try to motivate her etc. Losing weight is difficult, any support you can offer would be helpful.

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When my BF dumped me I was 22 and had gone up to about 160lbs at 5'5. Anyways, a few years after being single and working on my self-esteem by myself, I because extremely fit and active, I'm down to 118lbs. Huge diff. She is in a rut.

 

My dads second wife did this. She just got bigger and bigger until my dad and her broke up. She realised she had to do something to get herself back out on the market and a few months later she was in great shape.

 

So im thinking that maybe my gf wont get into shape as long as she has me, not because she doesnt want to, but because she doesnt have to. (she doesnt think she have to)

 

Telling her i want her to hurry the f*ck up could be a kick in the right direction, but i doubt she would see it the same way...

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You're not being shallow, attraction is not something you can control. Sometimes when women gain weight they feel unattractive and lose interest in sex - could this be the case with your gf? Do you think the attraction might come back if she lost weight? If so, perhaps you could express your concerns about her health and help he to lose weight, exercise together, try to motivate her etc. Losing weight is difficult, any support you can offer would be helpful.

 

This definetly happened. She stopped taking initiative for sex as she gained weight. The attraction might come back if she feels she is beutiful. But even if she lost weight im not sure if she would because of her stretchmarks. I dont mind them at all, everyone has them to a different degree, but she hates them immensely. So unless she can get over that, i dont know if i can ever be attracted to her again no matter what she looks like.

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I dont think ive lost attraction directly because of her weight, but rather everything that came with it. The insecurity, self-bashing and total lack of confidence.

 

This is why I think your finding her unattractive now is more about losing alittle respect for her and not really about the way she looks. That's why said... it was BS... cause the whole weight thing isn't what the issue is.

 

If you really do love and/or care for her... as Mr DreamMerchant said... try talking to her about it.

 

This issue extends into far more than just love relationships. Like my mom... she consistently says that she is going to lose weight and eat healthier but yet she brings home McDonalds and Eats whole cakes. This frustrates me because I try to help her achieve her goals and she says one thing and does another. I love my mom... but I've learn to take her 'losing weight' conversations with a grain of salt.

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If you really do love and/or care for her... as Mr DreamMerchant said... try talking to her about it.

 

So far ive kind of followed the rule of "never tell a girl she is not pretty". Whenever she'd ask if she was fat, id say no. Whenever she'd ask if she should lose weight id say i didnt mind, but if she wants to do it for herself then she should. But i guess being the nice guy was totally the wrong move.

 

I realise i gotta tell her i think she should lose weight for my sake as well as her own, but then id automatically tell her ive been lying for a long time too... i guess i dug my own grave on this one.

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Don't tell her she's fat! Tell her you're both unhealthy and suggest that you should improve your diet and exercise together. Or tell her it makes you sad to see her self esteem being affected by gaining weight, and she's still beautiful but you want to help her feel better about herself again by losing weight, and you're prepared to support her by exercising along with her.

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reservoirdog1

First of all, attraction isn't a choice. How you deal with the attraction is. And the same goes for a loss of attraction.

 

Secondly, two people in a relationship have a responsibility to each other. Part of that responsibility is to not take the other person for granted. That means each person has to make an effort to keep the relationship fun, to keep the energy going, and to keep themselves physically attractive for the benefit of their partner.

 

Obviously there are limits to this, and those limits increase as people get older. No middle-aged woman has an obligation to go out and get plastic surgery, in the hope of looking like a 25-year-old again and to keep her partner from cheating. But they do both have an obligation to take care of themselves physically, as best they can.

 

Generally speaking, everybody (except for people who have certain specific health conditions) has it in them to lose weight and get in shape. A failure to do so, except in those cases of health issues, is usually the result of lack of effort, lack of consistency, "cheating" with food, etc. I count myself as one who has repeatedly failed in this respect. I have little doubt that I could be in great shape if I committed myself more fully to the task.

 

If your GF isn't willing to do what's necessary to keep herself attractive, and if you consequently lose your attraction to her... well, it's sad, but that's the way life goes sometimes.

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