Is it worth it?

[dreamergrl]

*sigh* I am seriously ready just to forget about dating for a long while.

So over the weekend I found out my bf was hiding something/lied about it. Not last Friday but the Friday before he went out with his roommate. The following Monday I started getting emails from his psycho ex. At first I laughed it off, until she claimed she was with him Friday. I confronted him about this. He denied it. I had this feeling in my stomach that something wasn't right. So I asked her, if she was with him, where does he live, what does his place look like ect ect. Keep in mind, he moved there right when we started dating. So she shouldn't know these things. She tells me the basics, but can't describe his room (she claimed she had sex with him that night, and stayed over).

 

I of course ask him how she knows this. He then tells me she just showed up at his place, and he had to ask her to leave and she was not pleased about this. She was begging for him to take her back.

 

I blocked her, accepted his apology for lying, and explained to him simply not to lie to me. He said that he was afraid of my reaction, that I would take what happened the wrong way, and just thought it would be better if I didn't know about it. He promised to me that he would not lie or hide things any more. I told him it's hard for me to trust someone who lies to me.

 

I let it go, but as days passed something just wasn't sitting right with me. I did something I don't normally do. I lied to him and told him that someone told me they saw him out with her at the bar (because she claimed to have went out with him). He was freaked, admitted that it was so. He told me that he wanted to settle things with her, and make her understand that it was over. He still stuck to it that he had not slept with her, and she got pissed because he stuck with the fact that he was with me that's who he wanted to be with.

 

Now, my gut doesn't tell me anything else is amiss. I believe that he didn't cheat on me, but the lying left me feeling pretty ****ty. We had spent the weekend together, but I couldn't get pass this at the time. I should have just went home for the weekend instead of sticking it out. My mood sucked bad by the end of the weekend and we got into another fight.

 

It ended with him hugging me telling me that we both have some things we need to patch up, and get passed. Me and my insecurities and his lying.

I woke up later to him coming into the door. He said he went around the corner to the bar to have a smoke (we can't smoke at his place) because it was so cold out there was frost. Yet when I left this morning I saw it had rained. We wouldn't have had frost if it was raining, right? I don't know if I'm now just being paranoid, or if he actually went out for a bit, or what. He didn't smell like booze or anything. He asked me earlier if I wanted to go shoot pool, but I didn't. Maybe he just wanted to get out for a bit?

 

I know eventually I can get pass this, but is it worth working to get pass? I feel so bummed. I know it's just been over a month, and it shouldn't be work at this point, but at the same time I've grown to care about him quite a bit, and love being with him. I just hate the little white lies.

[IcemanJB]

Well if you can't trust him, you shouldn't be seeing him. So you need to ask yourself if you can trust him right now. If not, tell him you two need to lay low for a bit, but explain why.

[JLee26]

If at an early stage in the relationship you are having these kinds of woes, it may be best to take a step back and reevaluate this relationship.

is this person someone you will spend your life with, or simply someone to pass the time? if it is the second i would perhaps simply walk away before it becomes a real war. if there are no feelings now that will be substantially hurt, why leave yourself in a relationship that it sounds as though you clearly do not trust.

it is not often that a female states they have been with someone when they truely have not, and being out together? well that right there sounds a bit to "fishy" for me.

There is no set rule that you must stay with him.... chalk it up to a good time had and move on to someone who respects you enough to be honest with you, all females deserve that.

 

Never leave yourself in a relationship in the hopes it will get better, move on and find better.

[dreamergrl]

Well this female has been acting pretty immature and trying to start things for a few weeks now, that's what leads me to think she took what happened, got upset, and made it out to be more then what it was.

 

Trust can be regained, it really can, as long as he continues to stay honest with me from here on out.

 

If we were to work pass this, and he stayed honest with me, I could see something good in the future.

 

He's not good for just passing time.

 

I'm also not hanging onto him just to have a bf, I really have feelings for him. That's what makes this so hard.

[Shygirl15]

Dreamer, clearly he cheated on you with this girl, it's very easy to see that from reading your post. You first need to accept that in order to move past it. All I can see is denial.

[bean1]

I think one of the biggest mistake that people make is to completely disregard the "psycho" ex. Everyone's ex is "psycho", yet she is the one who has told you "lies" that are becoming more and more true as they are revealed. What she is saying makes a lot more sense than what he is saying. If it doesn't make sense, it isn't true. Even the most bizarre things in life have some sort of sense and order to them.

 

I had a similar experience. Yes, the ex said some bull things and was immature. Yet, at the same time, she was SO mad at him that a lot of things she said were true, in order to get me to turn against him. She's still an immature "psycho", but she sure was right a lot of the time.

 

You remind me of a great girlfriend that I have - she knows exactly what is going on and will give all girls the most perfect, logical advice - yet when it happens to her, she can't/won't see it and suffers from what she tries to prevent in others.

 

What would YOU say to a girl who wrote this exact same thing?

[dreamergrl]

I think one of the biggest mistake that people make is to completely disregard the "psycho" ex. Everyone's ex is "psycho", yet she is the one who has told you "lies" that are becoming more and more true as they are revealed. What she is saying makes a lot more sense than what he is saying. If it doesn't make sense, it isn't true. Even the most bizarre things in life have some sort of sense and order to them.

 

I had a similar experience. Yes, the ex said some bull things and was immature. Yet, at the same time, she was SO mad at him that a lot of things she said were true, in order to get me to turn against him. She's still an immature "psycho", but she sure was right a lot of the time.

 

You remind me of a great girlfriend that I have - she knows exactly what is going on and will give all girls the most perfect, logical advice - yet when it happens to her, she can't/won't see it and suffers from what she tries to prevent in others.

 

What would YOU say to a girl who wrote this exact same thing?

 

You are right, I have a hard time applying the advice I'd give to anther onto myself. I suppose if I were giving advice to another, I'd say chances are he cheated. It is possible to move on past it, but trust has to be regained, and both needs to work on moving past. If you were to choose to work on the issue, use caution.

 

I guess the hard part for me, if I decide to work on things, is how do I determine what is me being insecure about the issue and what is real.

[blind_otter]

I guess the hard part for me, if I decide to work on things, is how do I determine what is me being insecure about the issue and what is real.

 

In order to get past it, he would first have to admit what he had done - he has not done this (if he really did cheat). IMO, most people are honest right from the beginning unless they feel they have something to hide.

 

Also, IME people who reflexively lie about things to protect themselves usually continue to do so - not necessarily in a malicious fashion, but because that seems to be their default setting in terms of interpersonal relationships.

 

Also, I am always wary of men who refer to their ex's as "psycho". I think, personally, that in reality few women are so mentally unstable that they waste their personal time trying to persecute another human being into being in a romantic relationship with them. I think that for the most part, everyone has flaws and insecurities - but there are also a lot of predators out there who either consciously or unconsciously exploit those insecurities. I think there tends to be a grain of truth to the claims of "psycho" women.

[Girlygirl1977]

You are right, I have a hard time applying the advice I'd give to anther onto myself. I suppose if I were giving advice to another, I'd say chances are he cheated. It is possible to move on past it, but trust has to be regained, and both needs to work on moving past. If you were to choose to work on the issue, use caution.

 

I guess the hard part for me, if I decide to work on things, is how do I determine what is me being insecure about the issue and what is real.

 

wow - early in a relationship a guy cheats and it is ok?! You are over-rationalizing!

[Trialbyfire]

dreamergrl, these aren't just little white lies. This is a breach in trust.

 

So he went out with her the weekend the two of you were having problems or is my timing off?

[Kamille]

 

He didn't smell like booze or anything. He asked me earlier if I wanted to go shoot pool, but I didn't. Maybe he just wanted to get out for a bit?

 

 

Something's not right Dreamergirl, and it doesn't even have anything to do with the fact that he lied about seeing his ex.

 

The thing that isn't right is that you two seem to have a really hard time communicating. He's "afraid" of your reactions (what???) and you are guessing that "maybe" he just wanted to get out for a bit but for some reason failed to tell you. What? If my imaginary partner wanted to go out and I didn't - he wouldn't have any problems letting me know that much.

 

Listen, from what little I can gather from you here, you seem like you are far from being an unreasonable person, so incapable of taking responsibility for your actions that one must always tiptoe around you. Sure, that other weekend you might have over-reacted but you know what - EVERYONE over-reacts at one point in their relationships. It's weird that he might be constructing you as some vulnerable and insecure drama queen you know? If I were you, this would be the one thing bothering me the most, and to be honest, it does not bod well for a relationship.

[Kamille]

Just want to add that the way he is treating you now, and approaching issues with you now, he is bound to describe you as "psycho" very soon. He's trying to exert too much control via miscommunication. IT's manipulative. Please be careful Dreamer.

[dreamergrl]

In order to get past it, he would first have to admit what he had done - he has not done this (if he really did cheat). IMO, most people are honest right from the beginning unless they feel they have something to hide.

 

Also, IME people who reflexively lie about things to protect themselves usually continue to do so - not necessarily in a malicious fashion, but because that seems to be their default setting in terms of interpersonal relationships.

 

Also, I am always wary of men who refer to their ex's as "psycho". I think, personally, that in reality few women are so mentally unstable that they waste their personal time trying to persecute another human being into being in a romantic relationship with them. I think that for the most part, everyone has flaws and insecurities - but there are also a lot of predators out there who either consciously or unconsciously exploit those insecurities. I think there tends to be a grain of truth to the claims of "psycho" women.

 

Actually, it is me who describes her as that, because of all the crap she's been doing.

 

I do think that, like you said, it's in his default settings. Can that change? Who knows. And I don't know how to deal with it.

 

I don't think he cheated, I don't get the same gut feeling about the whole situation. I'm more so bothered that he lied about seeing her.

 

dreamergrl, these aren't just little white lies. This is a breach in trust.

 

So he went out with her the weekend the two of you were having problems or is my timing off?

 

Yeah, you are right.

 

Just want to add that the way he is treating you now, and approaching issues with you now, he is bound to describe you as "psycho" very soon. He's trying to exert too much control via miscommunication. IT's manipulative. Please be careful Dreamer.

 

I am going to be careful, I haven't made a choice, but should I continue with him, this wont be forgotten.

 

I do know that sometimes I'm hard to deal with. It's still a work in progress for me trying to overcome my past relationships. There are times I come off insecure and don't even realize it.

 

I started constantly making remarks like "why don't you just go off with your ex again", which was really just pushing his buttons. I didn't even realize how much I was doing it until he dropped what he was doing, looked at me and told me that if he wanted to be with his ex he would, but he wants to be with me, and is tired of hearing this from me.

 

I admit it, I'm scared of getting abandoned and left for the ex, or someone younger or something. It's happened to me several times.

 

One thing I wish, is that I had my friends around here. No one that I was once close to lives near me anymore. All the people I was close to before I moved out of state and came back. It's hard, because it's like I have no one else to spend time with. It sucks.

[dreamergrl]

Also, to be honest, and some of you are going to think I'm nuts, but I can actually understand why he lied. Growing up, I did that often because I feared what type of reaction I would get if I was honest. The things I did weren't always horrible, but I was scared of how someone would react towards me. But then I realized that even though what I did may make one mad, it's going to hurt worse with the lie because then they have to process two bad things instead of one.

 

I could have moved on so much easier with all of this if he didn't lie.

[bean1]

Are you under the assumption that you know have "the whole truth" about the incident? He lied to you about anything even happening at all. After confronting him multiple times about details, more and more truth comes out each time. I wouldn't be so sure to disregard her statement about sex. After all, she is the one who has told you the most truth so far about the incident.

[Trialbyfire]

Yeah, you are right.

So what do you think came first, your insecurities or his straying? Let's look at this from either perspective.

 

Let's pretend that due to your insecurities, it drove him away to the point where he needed his ego assauged by third party validation. Do you see this as a positive?

 

Now let's pretend that something in his mannerisms, tweaked the insecurities within you, whether it was inconsistencies or a minor form of withdrawal, causing you to lash out. Gut instinct never lies. People tend to rationalize them away.

 

So in either scenario, where's the upside?

[dreamergrl]

Are you under the assumption that you know have "the whole truth" about the incident? He lied to you about anything even happening at all. After confronting him multiple times about details, more and more truth comes out each time. I wouldn't be so sure to disregard her statement about sex. After all, she is the one who has told you the most truth so far about the incident.

 

I understand what you are saying, I really do. The reason why I don't believe they had sex was because when I confronted her, and said, well if you were there all night in his bed like you said, what does his place and room look like. She was only able to provide a description of what you could see from the entrance. Which matches what he has told me now. And she was hell bent on trying to prove they had sex.

 

She was trying to cause problems before this, and he had deleted her from his friends, ect ect.

 

Then when she had emailed me (and he was over here when this had happened) He got on his account, and emailed her and told her to stop, leave both of us alone, he doesn't want her, he wants to be with me.

[dreamergrl]

So what do you think came first, your insecurities or his straying? Let's look at this from either perspective.

 

Let's pretend that due to your insecurities, it drove him away to the point where he needed his ego assauged by third party validation. Do you see this as a positive?

 

Now let's pretend that something in his mannerisms, tweaked the insecurities within you, whether it was inconsistencies or a minor form of withdrawal, causing you to lash out. Gut instinct never lies. People tend to rationalize them away.

 

So in either scenario, where's the upside?

 

Well I had been showing insecurities before this issue. I don't think he went and searched to be with her. I think she did just show up. If this is the truth, and he really was just laying it down to her, then while lying about it was wrong, I had made it harder for him to be honest with me. If this is the case, it is easier to work past. I just need to figure out if this is how it is.

[Trialbyfire]

Well I had been showing insecurities before this issue. I don't think he went and searched to be with her. I think she did just show up. If this is the truth, and he really was just laying it down to her, then while lying about it was wrong, I had made it harder for him to be honest with me. If this is the case, it is easier to work past. I just need to figure out if this is how it is.

If it's that important to you to find out the truth, get your b/f to set up a meeting with the three of you. Body language, words and actions and the dynamics of the two together, should give you the answers.

[dreamergrl]

If it's that important to you to find out the truth, get your b/f to set up a meeting with the three of you. Body language, words and actions and the dynamics of the two together, should give you the answers.

 

To be honest, I do not want to see this girl in person. The way she wrote her messages, the way she talked, it wouldn't surprise me if she tried something bad. She's so angry, and so set on trying to make me upset with him. It was like she took the truth, and added on things to make it worse.

[Trialbyfire]

To be honest, I do not want to see this girl in person. The way she wrote her messages, the way she talked, it wouldn't surprise me if she tried something bad. She's so angry, and so set on trying to make me upset with him. It was like she took the truth, and added on things to make it worse.

Do you know what's truth?

[dreamergrl]

Do you know what's truth?

 

Maybe I do, maybe I don't. I mean it took her like several emails of me just reading them, and not replying before she decided to say she slept with him. But I don't know any way besides what you suggested to find out for sure.

 

If it wasn't true, would he have still emailed her and told her to knock the bs off?

 

If it is true, is it possible to move on past it, and work things out like he says he wants to do?

[Star Gazer]

The lying isn't going to stop. His lying shouldn't be an issue that he needs to "work on," period. He will continue to lie. This is a serious breach in trust. Your insecurities are really a red herring here.

 

If my BF's ex-GF came over to his place (assuming there was something left to be said in the first place), he'd say his peace, show her the door, and then pick up the phone and call me right then and there to tell me what just happened. He'd be exasperated at what had happened, not fearful of my reaction. Why? Because he'd know he didn't do anything wrong and had no reason to believe he'd upset me (and yes, I have insecurities of my own, he just doesn't trigger them).

 

Have you ever cheated, Dreamer? I have. I'll never, ever do it again. But it helps me identify a cheater. When cheating, the cheater is defensive, and scared of telling their "story." They're secretive, and they lie.

 

When faithful, a person has no qualms or fears about sharing the nuances of every single communication they've had with anyone of the opposite sex.

 

So, to answer your question... No, it's not worth it.

[Trialbyfire]

Maybe I do, maybe I don't. I mean it took her like several emails of me just reading them, and not replying before she decided to say she slept with him. But I don't know any way besides what you suggested to find out for sure.

So, you have four avenues:

1. Find out the real truth, which could be brutal but at least you can move on or forgive.
   
2. Forgive and attempt to repair the relationship, through the rebuilding of trust. He'll have to provide some serious reparation.
   
3. Live with distrust, which usually equates to becoming his keeper.
   
4. Walk.
   

[Star Gazer]

If it wasn't true, would he have still emailed her and told her to knock the bs off?

 

Why wouldn't he?

 

If it is true, is it possible to move on past it, and work things out like he says he wants to do?

 

You can't seriously be asking whether or not you should continue to date your brand new BF if he did in fact lie and cheat on you? Please tell me you're not that blinded right now!