levent Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Ok, I believe that there is a behaviour pattern we can follow so that our commitment phobic lovers will hold in the relationship as much as they can. I don't know it totally but I think it is possible. It will be much more on their terms but still can be achieved. They have a dump - come back habit right? And we all know that. Then why are we so sad about this? If you know what's going to happen next, then it shouldn't hurt at all. And if you don't get sad or hurt in this pattern (you get used to it after a while), then the commitment phobic will be more likely to commit with you. Because one of their biggest fear is to hurt the other one. They feel responsible and guilty about our feelings. If we stay calm and mature in this relationship then they will be more comfortable. (Btw of course this won't work on marriages, i am just considering long term relationships) Take this as loving CP's as themselves and accepting them by their very own nature. What do you think? Of course there are much more to do (which I want to talk later), but this is the initial thing I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
semi spritzer Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 I wouldnt have thought any commitment phobe would want to commit unless they WANT TO and gen speaking once they've 'done the rounds' with you, I think it would get a monumental effort for the to commit to you. Giving them more room would make them comfyand make you appear more interesting cos you're used to pusruing them BUT, once they 'reel' you back in I think the relationship would return to its 'normal' postion and you'd find yourself scratching your head again. I think commitment phobes are like that for a reason, they've already subconsciously assessed the person they're with. If your horse don't wanna drink, look for another horse! They wdon't wanna lose you which aint the same as keeping you BTW what types of relationships are you applying this theory to? Have a look, I posted on this site today, I could do with some advice myself , prolly starting with my own lol Link to post Share on other sites
Author levent Posted March 20, 2009 Author Share Posted March 20, 2009 I accept it won't be a commitment that you would get with other person, or in other words CP person will not commit at all. But still you may like it. The second thing is there are really realy special people who has CP. This thing is not like a phobia, this is like a curse. Especially CP women suffer much more than CP men. Leaving them miserable behind and moving on is not that easy, especially if that person is special for you and has done a lot of things for you. I am talking about long relationships which will not end in marriages. Personally I don't want to marry for now but mine is not a fear - just a choice. But I can have long term relationships. In fact what I say here is do not expect them to commit totally. Just accept that relationship is in a loop which will not end, then things will be easier. By the way I've read your story but it does not seem like CP and yours is a very complex one. Link to post Share on other sites
pollywag Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Why not close the door on the dumping and look the other way? If you enter into a pattern of accepting this type of behavior in a non-challant way you run the risk of one time actually having the break-up take, and he might not come back and you will be left alone to pick up all the pieces. Also the basis of a commitment phobic person is that they find ways to make their partner feel like the relationship won't progress, if you accept his break-ups and he feels this is no longer a threat to your relationship he will try to employ other techniques of escape to bring home the idea he does not want the relationship to progress. It is a no-win situation. Keep in mind, for your own good that, the patterns that you cement in a relationship and make our own will be carried into other relationships down the road. If you make unhealthy patters the norm, this will stay with you in the future. The only thing that can fix a commitment phobic person, is him/herself if there is a history of true consistent patterns of that type of behavior. When it comes to commitment phobia it is important to realize that often times the reason this phobia exists is because the relationship is just not working and it's easier to blame an abstract idea and overlook the core reasons for failure. Have you determined this already? Figuring out why this commitment issue exists seems more realistic than trying to skirt around it. The best way to deal with a commitment phobic person is to talk openly about what you want from each other, this is the only way you can determine if your relationship meets each other's needs. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Do you dislike yourself or don't feel you're worthy of a healthy relationship? It's one thing if the CP is working on their issues and seriously moving towards you and another if they're in denial. Why enable this type of behaviour? It's like saying, well, I'm willing to accept non-monogamy in a relationship while remaining monogamous. Link to post Share on other sites
semi spritzer Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Hey levent Thanks for the reply. Yeah been having a think about CP. If you know what to expect it shouldn't hurt or come as a surprise, but why hang about to keep on receiving the same rejections? CP's know where they are at, you'll be the loser CP's won't give their all to you, you'll end up carrying the cans for what could have been in the relationship. I would feel frustrated. Why not give yourself the best? I don't necessarily beleiove CPs care for the other, they are in their own worlds and beleive they've already shown you what to expect if you engage with them. Your feelings and hwo you handle them do not concern CPs. I read somewhere that CPs have unresolved issues and IF they pull thru they could see you in a different light as they now associate you with negativity so they're likely to move on. In fact stay too long with a CP and you could end up as one yourself Hope it works out for you Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 My last guy was, I believe, a commitment phobe. I was very aware that I could have played all kinds of games to encourage a boost in commitment (feigning disinterest, etc.), but the idea of being disingenuous just to navigate HIS mental issue felt completely wrong to me. I was more than willing to adapt my behavior to help him deal with the issue -- I did -- but he also needed to work to learn healthier ways of participating in a committed relationship. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life playing games. Link to post Share on other sites
Author levent Posted March 20, 2009 Author Share Posted March 20, 2009 First of all, I am a man. I should have mentioned before. Sorry. I also work on the other side of this problem, overcoming CP. But no answer yet. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2094405 I understand you folks but I still wonder something. There is an e-book called "From Commitment Phobe to I Do" and the description says "a ten step plan for winning your CP's heart and getting that long overdue & much deserved commitment". This book is written by Tigress Luv. What is it all about, has anyone read it? I ve read a little part of "Dream Chasers" (another book written by Tigress Luv). It seemed to have some good information in it. So the above book may also be useful. Link to post Share on other sites
pollywag Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Levent my points still all apply regardless if you are the man and she is the commitment phobic person. I did a quick google on "Tigress Luv" (nice name by the way ) and she is pegged as the "break up guru" in addition she has an online manual for sale on how to get "through" to commitmentphobes, you know what that means? It means she is going to sell you tactics on getting a lost love back. "Break Up Guru". If you are resorting to someone who is trying replenishing a breakup you know that their strategy will be filled with schemes and games to try to win a person back. I mean it's your choice ultimately but it wreaks of an exercise in futility. Schemes and games don't work to win people back, open communication and a realistic look on where each person in the relationship sits in relation to what they personally want is what determines the success they can achieve together. If you can meet in a place that is healthy for both then you can succeed if you cannot it is best to move on. Strategy leads to confusion when it comes to love. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Being CP, has no gender boundaries. Also, a CP is the only person who can fix him/herself. Enabling a CP in their behaviours while ignoring your personal needs is self destructive. They need to meet you partway and nothing in this world can hold someone who doesn't want to be held. Link to post Share on other sites
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