Jump to content

He has Borderline Personality Disorder....


samiam143

Recommended Posts

I'm in my early 20's and started dating a guy 7 yrs my senior. One of the sweetest guys I've ever met. He spends almost all of his time with me unless he's doing work around his house or studying et etc. My issue is he's been divorced twice. The first wife was his HS sweetheart/best friend. They remain friends with two young children. His marriage to his second wife wasn't as long. He admitted he had cheated on her and it was due to his Borderline Personality Disorder that he's been going to counseling for. I don't know what to do or how to deal with the disorder. He hasn't cheated on me but I'm scared I'll end up like her and I don't know how to support him with his disorder or if I even should.

 

Should I run for the hills? Or stick around and give him some credit for coming to me and being completely honest on his own by giving him a chance?

 

Help? :confused:

Link to post
Share on other sites

Give him the benefit of a doubt and see how it plays out but also keep your eyes open. If you start to see behavior you can't tolerate, then by all means cut your losses.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thanks. I've never been cheated on and I think that's one of my biggest fears in a relationship. I'd rather be dumped than be cheated on. I appreciate that he was trying to be honest about why his previous relationships failed, but it sucks because now I'm somewhat paranoid. :(

Link to post
Share on other sites

This is a manageable condition and certainly not a reason to dump him. I know two guys that are bipolar, both of them married and happy. Obviously, like with any ilness, this requires care and patience, but if managed well it will have *no* discernible impact on your quality of life.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thanks Sam, I know I can help him out and support him if he lets me and helps me understand. I'm just nervous he'll turn to his old ways. :-/

Link to post
Share on other sites

It is a lame excuse to chalk cheating on BPD, though, so that's something separate you need to address.

People are irrational during an episode, but also usually their functioning is not high enough to engage in an affair, which requires pretty high degree of planning and rationality, so it'd be wise to look into the extent of the disorder, other issues, etc.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I thought it was a lame excuse as well but the fact that he was open and honest. I've been doing my homework on BPD and some of the sites mention actions like that. Basically seeking sexual relationships for comfort and out of boredom. He said he's changed his ways and knows how to control it but I'm not going to hide the fact that I'm scared ****less that I'll end up just like his ex wife.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh, crap - I confused "Borderline" with "Bipolar", and in spite of some similarities in symptoms, they seem to have somewhat different causes, and implications. Borderline disorders have mostly psychological causes, while bipolar is more of a physiological/brain chemistry issue. In both cases, combination of medication plus some sort of counseling seems to be preferred treatment. But you're right - borderline disorders primarily affect relationships (broadly defined), and the ability to form and sustain them.

(I'm only clarifying this because the guys I refered to were bipolar)

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Yeahhh they're different but very close in likeness. As in the mood swings. He isn't mean to me or anything but he goes from being extremely happy and chipper in one minute to pissy the next. It's like dealing with a PMSing woman! eek lol I'm naturally a very caring person, sometimes too caring. I'm just scared this is one of those instances where I'll get my heart thrown into a blender :( I know I can help, I've been doing plenty of research and plan on buying a book or two, it's just the infidelity I'm worried about. I've never been a very jealous person but now I find myself getting jealous when he's constantly texting female friends, or getting flirty on FB with them. Or when he says "I'm hanging out with a friend" and I have to ask questions to prove my gut instinct that it's a female instead of him just telling me. I hate being jealous. I'm not used to it! :-/

Link to post
Share on other sites
Thanks Sam, I know I can help him out and support him if he lets me and helps me understand. I'm just nervous he'll turn to his old ways. :-/

 

 

There are no guarantees in any relationship and I don't think you should run away from a relationship out of fear of the unknown. You have to trust yourself to be able to handle the unknown. If he hasn't given you any indication that he will cheat on you, then cut the guy a break

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I'm trying here, I didn't run the moment he told me all of that. Apparently he was bracing for the worst because he said he was worried I'd get up and walk out but I didn't because I feel he has the potential. I guess I just feel there's more of a chance that he'll cheat on me since he did on his ex wife.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I'm trying here, I didn't run the moment he told me all of that. Apparently he was bracing for the worst because he said he was worried I'd get up and walk out but I didn't because I feel he has the potential. I guess I just feel there's more of a chance that he'll cheat on me since he did on his ex wife.

 

I still say it's a 50/50 chance. No better than the odds you have with someone who's never cheated. Some people cheat once, they learn from their mistakes and never do it again. Some don't. And the people who have never cheated?..well, there is a first time for everything.

 

Just love him and keep your eyes open like you would in any relationship.

 

Also, I don't think you should focus only on the fact that he might cheat on you because of his disorder. The way he treats you in general should be something you pay attention to. You said he's chipper one minute and pissy the next, is this something you can love/tolerate about him? Be careful not to subject yourself to mistreatment because you want to support him.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

About the cheating issue, it's just that I'm just a gf. He cheated on his WIFE. Is there a difference? You take a vow when you're married, not dating someone. He definitely doesn't mistreat me. He's just moody. He's never said anything mean to me not even during an arguement. It's just like he's hot and then cold. Really sweet then really distant. It's so confusing! I'm a very straight forward person. I don't like to beat around the bush. If I have an issue with something I normally have no issue with bringing it to his attention. I just don't want to feel like or be the jealous type of girlfriend.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sam, the cheating will be the last thing you will be worrying about. My advice is to get out and fast!

 

I spent many years with a BPD and it is not fun. The moods swings and control issues and abuse is awful.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

In my search for facts online I've seen advice like that. I've also seen that people with BPD can change if they're willing. I wasn't the one to realize his disorder. He had already been dianosed before I came about. He's been going to couseling on his own weekly and keeping himself busy. I'm torn between the two descions. He hasn't once been mean to me or tried to control me. It's just my worries about his past and how to deal with the disorder when I'm not the one diagnosed with it. :-/

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...