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Old 16th February 2009, 1:23 PM   #1
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Question Spending to much time with boyfriend??

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 7 months. He cares for me in more ways than you can imagine. No one has ever treated me this well. He insists on paying for everything, and I mean everything, my friends and family love him, and we have discussed getting married already. But...there's this one thing...

Lately I think we've been spending too much time together. Is that possible? I feel guilty for even saying that! He comes over to my apartment every night after he's done with work and has been doing so since about 4 months ago. Little things he does gets me annoyed, like not shutting a light off after he leaves a room, or leaving his clothes just lying on the floor. I admit, I'm a little OCD, but am I just being too selfish? Should we schedule some nights apart from each other? I don't want to break up with him, and he doesn't want to break up with me either, and in fact, he says he'll do anything for me to feel OK, even if that means spending less time with each other if necessary.

It's a big deal because he brought up the fact that if we ever decide to move in together or get married, would those tiny little annoyances destroy our relationship? We are both so confused, as none of this is really "concrete"...it's just all a "cloud" of some disturbing thing that we can't stop talking about...

Any and all advice would be appreciated...
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Old 16th February 2009, 2:14 PM   #2
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I think your instincts are right. If the two of you do get married, then you will spend almost everyday of the rest of your lives together. You should both be enjoying independent time right now. Try to schedule a couple nights with friends or family each week and let him know in advance that those nights you will not be available. I think slowing things down and seeing each other less will actually improve the romance in your relationship. Seven months is way too soon to be feeling like a comfy old shoe. good luck.



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Old 16th February 2009, 3:12 PM   #3
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I think your instincts are right. If the two of you do get married, then you will spend almost everyday of the rest of your lives together. You should both be enjoying independent time right now. Try to schedule a couple nights with friends or family each week and let him know in advance that those nights you will not be available.

This logic makes no sense. They clearly are not getting along being so close all the time... so maybe spending some nights apart will help prepare them for living together and spending almost every night together again? No.

I think as long as you two are having sufficient time for lives outside of the relationship with your partner, you should be able to spend every night together...ESPECIALLY if you are contemplating living together. Problems arise when you spend all your time with the other person and smother each other.

There is nothing wrong, and is even a good idea, with spending a few nights here and there apart, but the idea is to not grow apart to better prepare yourself for living together...
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Old 16th February 2009, 3:20 PM   #4
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Generally a relationship goes bad for anyone when the two people involved spend too much time together. I would advise you and him to have more alone time and spend time with friends/family etc. The alone time will make your together time mean more. Sounds corny but it's true. When you spend just the right amount of time together you might not be so quick to notice the little things that bug you.
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Old 16th February 2009, 5:49 PM   #5
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I think spending SOME time alone would be good, but I just hate to admit it. I guess I'm just scared (maybe?) of spending time apart...I guess I'm afraid of growing...apart...but I know that won't happen, really. I've never been in this situation before, but my gut is telling me that I do need my own "space" sometimes.

Thanks for all of your advice...will keep you up to date...we are going to have a big talk tonight...
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Old 16th February 2009, 8:57 PM   #6
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Don't sweat the small stuff.

If he was abusive, a chronic drinker or something worse, then you'd have a problem. He leaves lights on but probably flushes the toilet. In the long run, its not too big of a deal.

Time apart is good though. You don't want to smother each other and become an amoeba-like couple that just goes everywhere together and does everything together. You need to develop your own interests aside from his and he needs to develop his own interests aside of yours.

Good luck! Don't move in together until you're ready to go to the next lever (but wait a while!!!).
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Old 16th February 2009, 9:07 PM   #7
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My boyfriend and I have been dating for 7 months. He cares for me in more ways than you can imagine. No one has ever treated me this well. He insists on paying for everything, and I mean everything, my friends and family love him, and we have discussed getting married already. But...there's this one thing...

Lately I think we've been spending too much time together. Is that possible? I feel guilty for even saying that! He comes over to my apartment every night after he's done with work and has been doing so since about 4 months ago. Little things he does gets me annoyed, like not shutting a light off after he leaves a room, or leaving his clothes just lying on the floor. I admit, I'm a little OCD, but am I just being too selfish? Should we schedule some nights apart from each other? I don't want to break up with him, and he doesn't want to break up with me either, and in fact, he says he'll do anything for me to feel OK, even if that means spending less time with each other if necessary.

It's a big deal because he brought up the fact that if we ever decide to move in together or get married, would those tiny little annoyances destroy our relationship? We are both so confused, as none of this is really "concrete"...it's just all a "cloud" of some disturbing thing that we can't stop talking about...

Any and all advice would be appreciated...
You guys should persue your independent hobbies and perhaps a few nights alone?

How about Monday-Wednesday independent. Thursday together. Friday independent. Sat-Sun together - or something like that?
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Old 16th February 2009, 9:09 PM   #8
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You've only been dating 7 months and you spend every night together? No wonder the light switch is bothering you. You need to have a life - family, friends, hobbies, passions. It's really easy to get sick of someone - and it's soooo easy to kill the romance really quick - if you do nothing but live in each other's pockets.
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Old 17th February 2009, 9:21 AM   #9
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Wow...well said norajane. Thanks.
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Old 17th February 2009, 9:24 AM   #10
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Well - the thing that's most disturbing about this whole ordeal is that my boyfriend doesn't think that we need time apart. He loves to be by me allllllllll the time. He would 24/7 if that was possible. He just doesn't see the need for me to get away and have my own space sometimes. How the heck do I explain it better than that to him?? I mentioned that everyone is different, but he still says he just doesn't see the need for my own space. And then he says something like, "Well then when we do move in together or get married and you need some space, are you going to make me leave the house for a day? Where am I supposed to sleep then?" I know that's really far-fetched, but this is what he says. I guess he'll just have to get used to it..??...
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Old 17th February 2009, 10:00 AM   #11
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Wow. If your boyfriend can't comprehend why you need to be an individual (which is HEALTHY and NORMAL), then there is a problem. You wanting to have your own life isn't a reflection of how you feel about him, and if he takes it personally, then he has his own issues he needs to work out.

Just make some plans with your girlfriends or schedule some stuff without him. It's good that you want your own life.
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Old 17th February 2009, 12:12 PM   #12
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You can always tell him that you will never make it to moving in together or marriage if you don't have some breathing room.

When you do live together or marry, you can still have your space. It comes from the two of you having your own hobbies, activities, friends, and interests so that you are NOT spending 24/7 together. So, some nights you go to the gym and then have dinner with your girl friends. And some nights he plays pool or darts with his friends, or goes golfing on the weekend, while you take your cooking class or see a movie. Or maybe he has a wood working hobby in the basement or you have a book club.

Time apart doing things that interest you are what makes you interesting. If all you do is spend time together, you both become very boring to each other because you become one-dimensional.
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Old 17th February 2009, 3:22 PM   #13
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Time apart doing things that interest you are what makes you interesting. If all you do is spend time together, you both become very boring to each other because you become one-dimensional.

truer words were never spoken. IMHO this is the most important aspect of a healthy relationship.

why you so smart nora?
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Old 17th February 2009, 6:00 PM   #14
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Exclamation

Thanks to everyone for your input here...I actually spent Sunday evening alone and man, it really made me realize how much I appreciate him and how much I love him. Just one night! I feel tons better now. He still doesn't get why I need my "space," but I'm sticking to it.
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Old 17th February 2009, 6:22 PM   #15
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i think you should buy him a hooker
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