phoenix718 Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 Hi all. . . I'm a 25 yr old female whose been dating a 34 yr old divorced male for 21 months now. He was with his ex-wife for 6 years before he proposed. They got married, and then two years later (3 months after they had their daughter), she told him that she wanted a divorce. We started dating when he was separated for 6 months and has now been officially divorced for a year. Info about him: He's very intelligent, a "man's" man, kind of the strong silent type, tenderly affectionate, slow and deliberate in all of his actions, BRUTALLY HONEST, very good morals, and not the kind of guy to do a damn thing he doesnt want to do. lol. We started off hot and heavy, as most post-divorce relationships go, but 5 months into it, when the divorce actually started happening (custody battle, bankruptcy, losing the house, etc) he distanced himself, stopped telling me he loved me, and started becoming depressed. We continued to stay together, seeing eachother only once a week because he was either with his daughter, work, or just didnt feel like doing anything. We both live with our parents. . .he couldnt and still cant afford his own place because of the bankruptcy and child support payments, and I because I have a 2 year old daughter from a previous relationship and my mother cares for her while I'm at work. (I'll be getting my own place in 4 months, however) I broke up with him a little over a year into it (7 months ago). The relationship was completely stagnant and it was only me putting in effort. All I wanted was a slow kind of progress. We both have kids, so I want to take it slow as well, but there was no growth or progress at all. The weekly routine would be me texing him "what are we doing this week?" and he would text back "maybe a drink on wednesday depending on how im feeling." We would meet, share some laughs and smiles, be intimate and then go home. I understand that he still probably wasnt capable of much due to his situation, but it still hurt me to be the only one putting in effort and me giving him my entire heart while he couldnt give any of his to me. At that point, it was becoming difficult for me to wait for him because I was scared that it had more to do with ME and less to do with his divorce. It was becoming a very risky investment as I was very in love with him. He was sad about the breakup but said "I cant blame you, it's probably whats best for you. I will miss you deeply and care about you very much. I knew you couldnt wait forever" A month later he texted me asking me if he could take me out for my birthday. I agreed and when we met, it was the happiest I've ever seen him. We were both so happy and it felt so right again, so we got back together. He was 10 times more attentive and respectful and caring than before. I thought it was smooth sailing. . . Fast forward to now (6 months later) and he's somewhat back to his old self. We do see eachother twice a week now, which is an improvement, but he still holds me at arms length. We have an awesome, happy time together, but he never talks about anything emotional or mentions anything about a future. He doesn't open up to me and we are at this kind of stagnant purgatory . I asked him if he saw us moving in eventually and he said he wanted to try living alone first, but that it wasnt a matter of him not being ready to or anything. I asked him if he saw a future between us and he said "things are going well, so I dont see why not." I know his mother through work, but he's never introduced me to anyone else in his family. His excuse for that is he's embarrassed of his situation and of living at home. Our daughters are roughly the same age and have played a couple of times together. We got a hotel room the other night and in the morning, we were lying in bed and I started crying. . . I told him how I felt completely. . .that I loved him, and wanted to wait for him because we do have an incredible bond, but that our relationship wasnt "normal". That it wasnt normal that he couldnt open up to me or was holding me at arms length, and that its still me that initiates all the dates and any kind of emotional interaction. I told him that each month that I wait, it gets hurts more for me because I become worried if he'll ever be able to make progress with me. (Keep in mind, the only thing I'm asking for here, and have ever asked for is PROGRESS. . . not to be married in 2 years or to be in his will or anything like that LOL. Just progress and GROWTH.) He was listening to me and holding me and just started holding me a little tighter and kissing me. . .the only thing he replied with is "I agree, babe." I asked him if he would try to work on these things and he said "Yes." Guys and Gals, I love this man. My love is blind. I dont know anymore what is normal and what is to be expected. I feel like there are two distinctive sides to this: 1) I deserve a real relationship with a man who is emotionally available and that this guy is using me as an emotional crutch and im not helping him and the situation by making him think that his noncommittal, rigid, holding me at arms length behavior is ok. and the other side: 2) I love this man, and he is who I want to be with. We have an amazing connection, the same values, goals and care about eachother a lot. He may not commit to me fully, but I know he wants to be with me. I set him free before and he came back to me. He must love me, right? I will regret it if I dont wait for him. Because I said my love is blind, I dont know what to do here. Are there any things that I can do to ease him into those next steps of our relationship/make him more comfortable? What could he be thinking? Is this worth waiting for? Will he ever be ready for the next steps/ be able to give his heart to me? Any help is appreciated. Thank you very much. PS: I dont shove the "i love you's" in his face, or pressure him or make him my entire life or try to force myself on him or anything. I do tell him I love him when he's having a particularly rough day, but I dont expect him to say anything back to me. His say in that is "I dont feel comfortable telling you I love you." Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 He isn't ready to settle down and get into another serious relationship after his divorce. You helped him through a hard time, but it seems like he's not inlove with you. Sorry, but the truth of it is, His say in that is "I dont feel comfortable telling you I love you." means JUST that. HE does care for you, probably alot, but he isn't "inlove" with you. It's only a matter of time before things go ugly or you get hurt. Wouldn't it be better to back off and leave him be, maybe casually date him and detach from him? He isn't going to commit to you as he needs to be alone for a while. Just my 2 cents. Link to post Share on other sites
Author phoenix718 Posted January 18, 2009 Author Share Posted January 18, 2009 Maybe I'm just nieve, but he's told me before that he wouldnt be with me if he couldnt see a future with me. I'ts been almost 2 years- wouldnt he let me know if he knew that he wouldnt be able to commit to me? He has made some kind of sacrifices for me. Am I just nieve? lol Link to post Share on other sites
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