Something's wrong

[sunflower]

Well, on another note, I'd like to share a thought.

 

This guy I've been seeing now for the past three months (the same one I wrote about a while ago here on these boards, if anyone recalls...)

 

Anyhow, about two weeks ago, he opened up a discussion, and we had 'the talk'. I wouldn't say a huge talk, but we both agreed to see eachother exclusively- where that will lead, who knows.

 

 

OK all fine and dandy. Well, he's been away on a mini-vacation, and to date, I have yet to hear from him. I'm pretty certain he's back in town. Last time we saw eachother, was last week, and we had a great time.

 

He said he would ring me when he gets back. Some of my friends say to call him, some argue not to call because he indicated HE would.

 

I don't know...do I even have a point to all this...well, it could be that if two people decide to see eachother exclusively, you would think that things would get closer so to speak. But, I'm not one to stiffle a guy or smother him in anyway. And suppose I do call, wouldn't that make me seem like I've been waiting to hear from him all this time - which to be honest, I am and I'm not waiting to hear.

 

I just find it bizarre for a guy not to call his girlfriend after he gets back from a little holiday.

 

But then one can argue that the girlfriend can call her boyfriend. But the thing is, he said he would ring me. He even gave me a specific day, and that day has long passed.

 

To be quite honest, I think he's taking me for granted, and if that's happening now, at this stage, it could only get worse.

 

The way I see it, a relationship either imporves or gets worse.

 

This seems to be stagnating.

[yes]

i personally wouldn't call...

are you sure that he's okay, like not in the hospital or anything? that'd be the only reason i'd call - or perhaps find out thru a friend that he's fine.

 

otherwise - i think if a guy says he'll call on a certain day, he should. and if he doesn't, it's upto him to call later, apologize, and explain what happened. if he doesn't - well, he's plain rude!...

 

that's my view!

-yes

[sunflower]

I hope to God he's not in some hospital bed, and that he's fine.

 

I have no close contact through any of his friends, so that rules out that option.

 

Thanks for your view.

 

Even if he did decided to extend his vacation, for pete's sake, he could call and tell me. Leave a message, send an e-mail, anything.

[yes]

he should've contacted you unless there's a medical emergency

 

perhaps you can call him (make sure he doesnt have call display!), and hang up once u hear his voice. i've done that before - just to make sure he's okay, w/out him knowing i've checked. you could also get a friend of yours to call and do a wrong-number-scenario...

 

aren't guys weird? one day things are great, and then suddenly they drift off and don't call for a long time... it's happened to me, too...

 

-yes

[sunflower]

I could call, and block my number...but I feel weird doing that...I could do the wrong # scenario thing too, but that also will feel weird. Mind you, I have done this before as well.

 

I just hate the fact that I'd have to resort to that, when he should have called. Plain and simple.

 

I don't beleive that is asking for too much.

 

It's frustrating because it has happened to me before too.

 

I know he's busy with out of town guests, and I think he mentioned of an upcoming wedding.

 

If I'm not mistaken, I think it's this month. He should ask me to go with him to that, I would think.

 

I have a feeling he did extend his vacation - the more I think of it. I also have the feeling he didn't want to tell me, so as not to make me feel bad. Yeah, somehow, I think that's it.

 

What idiots men can be some times.

 

Say the truth, and be done with it. I'd rather have him say, look, I'll be gone for such and such, and there might be a possiblity I also might got to XXX, but I'm gonna try and give you a call, but if you don't hear from me for a while, don't worry, I'll get in touch with you...period. Is this too much?

 

I know we're not joined at the hip or anything, but c'mon.

 

I bet you he did extend his holiday. Now that I think abou it, I remember him saying a few weeks ago that he might go to so and so at xxx location with a bunch of people.

[yes]

it does sound like he's got tons to be busy with - guests, wedding, possibly trip to xxx...

 

i'm sure he'll get around to calling you pretty soon though...

 

however, in general, i'm never sure how to react. on one hand, it's good that he has a life. on the other hand, i start feeling like if i'm not important enough to be paid attention to even when he has a ton of other things to do, then what - does he hang out with me only when he's got extra time? I guess I just can't take not being one of the main priorities =) ...

 

And i mean - how should u act when he does call? Be mad? Sounds silly -he'll just say sorry, i was busy, and u'll look like the loser who was waiting around doing nothing... Be normal, as if nothing happened? Yikes, no way. I think the only option is to be nice, but distant... maybe be busy for a lil bit & not see him for a while...

 

one other thing is - when u'r busy, time flies... so i guess while time's flying for the busy him & crawling slowly for the waiting u... that makes a big difference between how the two of u feel about the time u haven't been in touch...

 

just some thoughts,

-yes

[sunflower]

Good insight there, Yes.

 

When he calls, and gets me in, I'll be nice and sweet, and let him do the talking. I really don't know what's up, and until I do...I'll take it from there.

 

Maybe it would be a good idea to pull back a little.

 

It is very good that he has a life, as I've got one too.

 

I can't take not being one of the main priorites either, to a certain degree of course, without demanding too much, as there has to be some kind of flexibility. That can be a delicate balance to obtain, especially in the early stages of a relationship.

 

In your last paragraph, do you mean if I miss him?

[yes]

"that can be a delicate balance to obtain, especially in the early stages ..."

bingo!! that's my current problem... but i'll get over it =)

 

 

in the last paragraph, i simply meant that when u'r busy, u dont notice time go by, and he might feel like he just saw u recently. at the same time if u'r waiting by the phone (not saying u r), time goes soo slowly, so u feel like it's been forever. just the subjectivity of time.

 

anyway, i have to go now, but i'll check back tomorrow... lemme know if he calls!

 

-yes

[sunflower]

He rang, and he chatted away as if no time had passed. Humph.

 

Anyway, I kept the conversation light and sweet.

 

Men - I really don't know how they operate sometimes.

 

Maybe I should re-read my Mars/Venus book - hahaha!

 

Until next time, stay well, and thanks again for your insights.

[Mel]

Actually if you have read the book Mars and Venus on a Date, John Gray discussed this very situation. He says that men have no sence of time and that their desires are like rubberbands. They pull away for a while and will come back as long as you don't letthe rubberband break. He argues that guys usually want a little bit of space and will miss oyu and come back to you if you pleasant and not too pushy. Hope that helps...

[quankanne]

... as long as they feel everything is going right in their world, guys don't tend to worry about these things the way we women do, because they don't see the need to constantly check in (unless you're married and you've trained them well).

 

maybe you two need to establish exactly how your relationship stands, Sunflower, and what expectations you should have. That'd cut out a lot of the guess-work, but I'm warning you, guys generally don't see relationships the way we do, and therefore don't hash, re-hash and process every little thing that goes on. If they're happy/content, they let it be.

[yes]

are you guys saying that if the guy pulls back, it's perfectly normal?

that girls are more in need of reassurance that everything's fine than guys?

that a guy needing space doesn't mean his feeling have cooled off?

and if he pulls back, all the gal shd do is stay pleasant and nice?

 

hm?

 

-yes

[quankanne]

"are you guys saying that if the guy pulls back, it's perfectly normal?"

in my experience, yes. Because guys are content to just "be," whereas women are in a constant state of mulling things over. Try this: next time you're in a car with a guy behind the wheel, just sit there and observe him, especially if where you're going is a decent distance away. Most likely, he'll be quiet, content to be driving; a girl, on the other hand, would want to know what's going through his mind. And a lot of guys will admit that they find it strange, because they're just happy to be in their own little worlds.

 

"that girls are more in need of reassurance that everything's fine than guys?"

Hmmm, I don't know if 'reassurance' is the word that describes it fully. Girls want to KNOW, guys want to BE. Hence the misunderstandings when it comes to not staying in contact.

 

"that a guy needing space doesn't mean his feeling have cooled off?"

if a guy needs his space, I'm sure he would go completely out of his way to that person. In this case, Sunflower recalled him saying something about an extended vacation, or him possibly being away longer than planned. It doesn't necessarily mean that his feeling have cooled off toward her, but that his perception of a relationship is different from hers, in that he doesn't feel the need to check in on a constant basis. Most likely, he likes her. But him being a guy, he's probably content with feeling things are okay between them.

 

"and if he pulls back, all the gal shd do is stay pleasant and nice?"

she can have any reaction she wants, but when a person is interested in someone, I mean really really interested, she's not going to blow it by pitching a fit. I think when you're serious about someone, you're going to try hard to find a half-way point to meet and understand them. Actually, I think this applies to all successful interpersonal relationships, not just dating.

[yes]

thanks, that makes sense.

 

actually, a guy was trying to tell me once... he said "if u ever wonder what a guy is thinking, it's most likely "too doo doo"" ... heh...

 

thanks again. my mother is a very proprietary, all-attention-to-herself person when it comes to relationships, so I rlly need to hear/see the alternative view, because i'm diff-t from her...

 

-yes

[BeReal]

I think when a person tells you they're going to do something then they should do it. If they don't, then they should have a good excuse. Sunflower, how much time passed between when he said he would call and when he actually did? I'm sure it does seem like a long time to you since you were waiting by the phone and he wasn't. You're not real serious yet (right?) so I wouldn't be too upset if he wasn't more then a couple days late.

 

Men have no sense of time and their desires are like rubberbands? Isn't this just making excuses for their crappy behavoir? Let's reverse the situation or put him in a similar one and we'll see how his sense of time is then.

 

You said that you were frustrated because it had happened to you before. Was this a different guy? What kind of character did he turn out to have? Has this made you a little hypersensitive?

[sunflower]

Hello.

 

Thanks everyone for your responses. They were great.

 

 

In response to BeReal, yeah, it has happened to me before, where guys would say they were going to do this, and do that and blah blah blah...and then none of things happen.

 

What? Do they think us girls would forget what a guy says?? Especially one you like...I'd rather the guys say nothing and shut their mouths, then to say things, and they all turn out to be empty promises.

 

The important thing to remember when guys start to talking, is to see if their ACTIONS match their words.

 

I've learned that men do ACTIONS, not WORDS.

 

No, I don't feel that I am hypersensitive, or bitter or anything like that - I just think men's behaviour is so baffling at times, and this is one of those times.

 

I fully understand the rubberband theory - and he's doing it quite a bit. So, I'm just going to let it be, and not take it too personally, because, let's face it, that's just the way men are: they can only focus on one thing at a time (and be quite selfish about it sometimes too)