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Ex blames me for her drug habit


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Old 9th December 2008, 2:36 AM   #1
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Ex blames me for her drug habit

Even though we don't see each other we do have mutual friends since we used to hang around in the same circles. They insist on telling me what she is up to and she still blames me for everything. Ever since she got out of prison she has a become a full blown heroin junkie and is just a mess right. She dabbled in cocaine before but she is just a mess now and looks horrible. After we got divorced she realized she loved me and was hurt and angry that I didn't fight hard enough for our love and instead just found another women. She is still angry about that night that she ran into my them soon to be wife in the supermarket. According to her when I just rubbed it in her face like that it sent her over the edge and sent her into the downward spiral she is in right now. Do people hear feel that I have some responsibility in this or am I right in feeling like she did it to herself? She had a year in prison to clean herself up but instead she just got ten times worse when she got out.
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Old 9th December 2008, 2:41 AM   #2
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Honestly Woggle unless you were the guy panhandling her the drugs and forcing her to take them, you're not at fault. Most people with addictions instinctively blame other people for their problems because they're afraid to admit they're the ones at fault. So they take comfort on placing blame on others in the hopes of making themselves feel better.
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Old 9th December 2008, 3:05 AM   #3
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No one is ever to blame for a habit accept for the person with the habit. They are just weak and lack self respect. Of course they will blame everyone but themself.
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Old 9th December 2008, 3:50 AM   #4
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It's actually pretty normal behavior for those addicted to drugs, from what I've seen.

The people from school and college who got heavily involved in drugs turned the blame outward -- and soon lost a lot of friends because of it.

My ex-girlfriend was similar. She had a drug problem for a large portion of her life. Never took responsibility for a single thing. If she made a foolish error, bad decision, or lapse in judgment, it was always because of someone else's fault, or the fact that "someone else made them react that way." Never apologized and never admitted fault for anything. Never seemed to grasp the fact that she was in control of what she did to her body and how she reacted to situations, and how she chose to handle stress and conflict.

So, no, I wouldn't get too hung up on it. Choosing to get involved in drugs was her decision. Echoing Gremio here, this blame game is just something people do when they are too weak to accept responsibility.
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Old 9th December 2008, 6:40 AM   #5
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If you kicked her when she was already down then that could have been a catalyst. Final straw sort of thing....but I don't think people get drawn into that lifestyle purely because of one thing one person says to them. You maybe just said something that tapped right into and encouraged a load of her most negative, destructive core beliefs about herself at an extremely vulnerable point in her life.

People aren't superhuman. They don't always say the right thing to others, and they don't always react in the most adult, healthy way to what is said to them. You're responsible for what you said to that girl. You're responsible for not taking a step back and thinking "regardless of how I personally feel about this woman, no good can come of behaving in a spiteful, vindictive way to her. Giving in to that temptation, just because it makes me feel good for a couple of minutes, could have repercussions."

I don't think it's good enough to take a view that all people are entirely responsible for themselves and what happens to them in life. Dog eat dog etc. It's tempting because it's so simple, but I think we do have some kind of duty of care to eachother in this life - if, that is, we want others to treat us decently. The question is, where do you draw the line? We might not think we have a duty of care to X because X has said or done something sh*tty to us at some point. That's not an adult outlook on life, though. It's a revenge/drama addict's one.

You're evidently responsible for handling that incident in the supermarket so childishly and insensitively. Depending on what you knew about her circumstances at the time, it may well be that you knew or you should have known that an incident like that could have a serious emotional impact on her at a time she was particularly vulnerable. If so, then that knowledge increases your responsibility for her starting to have some kind of meltdown soon afterwards. But from various things you've written about her, it sounds as though she was heading for that meltdown for a long time, and on her own fuel.

It doesn't mean that you're responsible for everything that woman does in and with her life from that moment onwards. It doesn't mean that you're responsible for her being so unstable that she's ended up with a serious drug habit and a prison sentence behind her. That smacks of a pre-existing problem. An accident that was probably waiting to happen long before you came along.

Last edited by Taramere; 9th December 2008 at 6:43 AM..
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Old 9th December 2008, 10:52 AM   #6
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Originally Posted by Taramere View Post
We might not think we have a duty of care to X because X has said or done something sh*tty to us at some point. That's not an adult outlook on life, though. It's a revenge/drama addict's one.
This woman cheated on him while they were married and after they split she approached his house with a gun and started shooting. She could've killed him or someone else. That's why she ended up in prison.

She's just a junkie who used his statement as an excuse to justify her addiction and poor behavior.
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Old 9th December 2008, 11:00 AM   #7
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I'm sure in drug addiction terms there is a term used for drug addicts who blame everyone else for their problems except themselves.
Sort of like saying "if my life was this way i would do drugs.".
But that target is never reached or impossible to reach.
Do you really think that if you took her back right now she'd immediately stop doing drugs? Prison did stop her. Only she can ask for help and quit.
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Old 9th December 2008, 11:02 AM   #8
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Woggle,

No person is ever to blame in another person`s going down in life.
Everyone is individual and is acting according to his own individuality.
And if someone (like your ex) lacks some selfconfidence and starts using drugs , it cannot be anyone`s fault,but hers own. Though weak people always blame someone other ,it`s common.

Do not blame yourself ever. It`s not your fault . She has her own brain,
which perhaps she doesn`t use.
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Old 9th December 2008, 11:15 AM   #9
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ignore her Wog, she just wants to pull you down into her pit of self-inflicted misery, esp. since you're happy because you found someone good and decent and willing to contribute to a healthy relationship with you. You know, the "why does he deserve to be happy when I'm not" thing.

sounds like her remarks are meant to entice sympathy from others, but *she* is the one who chose a life of drugs, who chose to be a bad partner, and now she's paying for it. But hey, why should she accept responsibility for the wreckage she's left behind in her life when she can blame someone else?

don't let her pitiful mentality put a dent in your otherwise good life, because it's just not worth it.
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Old 9th December 2008, 12:36 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by RecordProducer View Post
This woman cheated on him while they were married and after they split she approached his house with a gun and started shooting. She could've killed him or someone else. That's why she ended up in prison.

She's just a junkie who used his statement as an excuse to justify her addiction and poor behavior.
I recall Woggle saying this (about the gun incident). I'm assuming, RP, that you disagree with what I said. That you don't think people have a duty of care towards others...or that if they do, certain actions on the other people's part can invalidate that duty.

Maybe. I don't think it's okay to turn up on someone's door step and start firing at them. Neither - on a far less serious scale - do I think it's okay to taunt someone who you know, or (assuming a basic level of intelligence) should reasonably know is unstable.

I'm not exactly a new poster here. This is just a more recent username. I don't know how many of Woggle's posts I've read where he's venting his spleen about women, regaling people of the various dramas he's suffered at the hands of women - and blaming his mother for everything he feels about the female gender. Or the amount of time he seems to spend lurking around feminist or misandrist websites and using whatever he gleans from these trips as another excuse to hate the female gender generally.

And yet the moment he starts looking for a bit of reassurance that he's in no way responsible for the way he speaks to other people, and for the consequences of how he speaks to others, women here are falling over themselves to provide that reassurance.

I made it clear in my post that I think when someone melts down in the way she did, there must be some pre-existing condition or circumstances. That you can't attribute something like that to some comment another person made. On the other hand, comments can sometimes be triggers....which is something a rational adult tries to put their brain in gear and take account of a person's emotional/mental state when conversing or directing comments at them.

Are people here actually saying that it's a good idea for Woggle to bump into an unstable ex in the supermarket and rub her nose in the fact that he's in a new relationship? Are they saying "yep, go ahead and embroil yourself in scenarios like that. You can be sure that there'll be no negative outcomes..."?

Or is it possible that in all the circumstances, Woggle was pretty f*cking silly and irresponsible to initiate that unpleasant exchange with an unstable ex? My impression from his opening post is that that's what he's considering.

Again - we shouldn't take responsibility for the inherent emotional instability of other people, but to suggest that we don't bear any responsibility for the way we deal with those people (and the outcomes when we provoke them) just sounds like make-you-feel-good pandering to me.
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Old 9th December 2008, 12:43 PM   #11
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Shoot. Flashback from the MANY Al-Anon meetings and counseling sessions I attended between my ex and my daughter.

It’s addict speak, Woggle. Part of the addiction cycle. There will always be someone or something else to blame when an addict is unable to take responsibility or control over their own compulsions and poor choices. It’s a way to explain away behavior, garner a little sympathy, and invent excuses to keep doing exactly what they’re doing. Doesn’t matter what the particular poison or self-destructive behavior it is ... when you strip it all down, the fundamental pattern is always the same.

And I was told this by eight different councilors specializing in addictions (who were also recovering addicts) through the course of the years.
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Old 9th December 2008, 12:46 PM   #12
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I wasn't trying to rub it in her face. She just happened to spot us at the store and I kept it very civil. I just wanted to move on with my life and be done with her and she was the one who wanted out in the first place after she cheated. It's not my fault that I chose to live my life instead of wallowing in self pity like some other divorced men and it is not my fault that I found real love. When I was a loving and faithful husband she was screwed up back then and she is screwed up even worse now. Until she accepts responsibility for how her life turned out and why she has lost me forever even if I should get divorced she will continue to be screwed up. Despite everything she has done to me I still wish no ill will on her but she dug this hole and it is up to her to dig herself out of it.
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Old 9th December 2008, 1:35 PM   #13
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Woggle, only you know what your true thoughts, feelings and motives towards your ex wife were at the time you met her. I seem to recall that your posts back then contained a pretty gloating tone of the "my life's going great and hers is crap" variety. That they suggested you were deriving quite a bit of glee from her misfortunes. If that came across in your meeting with her, it would explain her perception that you were "rubbing her nose in it". But if, despite such feelings, you did your best to be civil and refrain from any "crowing" behaviour, then of course...why should you take responsibility for her being upset?

I think the comment "she has lost me forever even if I get divorced" is a little strange from a happily married man who's completely over his ex wife. Why does this woman keep cropping up in your thoughts and in your life? Is it purely because you have friends and acquaintances in common?

If so, is there any way it would be possible for you to cut all traces of her out of your life, for good, by either telling friends to refrain from passing any info about her onto you...or if they refuse to respect that wish, distance yourself from those acquaintances? It's not as though you're hearing anything particularly new here. Just the regurgitation of old grievances which will probably never get resolved.
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Old 9th December 2008, 2:01 PM   #14
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Woggle, you are not responsible for your ex-W's actions. These are her issues.

I've always thought that people put too much onus on the drug and not on the person who gets addicted. The drug addiction is just another dysfunctional coping tool. If the horse wasn't before the cart, the cart would go nowhere.

Speaking of dysfunctional coping tools and self-responsibility, how goes the battle with misogyny?
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Old 9th December 2008, 2:09 PM   #15
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Originally Posted by Taramere View Post
I recall Woggle saying this (about the gun incident). I'm assuming, RP, that you disagree with what I said. That you don't think people have a duty of care towards others...or that if they do, certain actions on the other people's part can invalidate that duty.
And I am assuming that you identify "care for others" as "Wog's (at least partial) responsibility for her drug addiction. In my book, those are two different things.

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Maybe. I don't think it's okay to turn up on someone's door step and start firing at them. Neither - on a far less serious scale - do I think it's okay to taunt someone who you know, or (assuming a basic level of intelligence) should reasonably know is unstable.
This sounds like you're saying: OK, firing at Wog's house (with him inside) is not a nice thing, but what Wog did is unjustified because he turned her into a bigger junkie than she was. For some reason you think that because she is a walking mess, he should keep that in mind and be very careful around her. That he should feel sorry for her and make sure he doesn't upset her, even if she comes with a big kitchen knife to slice him and his wife up. His life (literally his life, because it was in danger) is not as important as the life of one creepy creature who drowns in heroin and shoots at people.

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Or the amount of time he seems to spend lurking around feminist or misandrist websites and using whatever he gleans from these trips as another excuse to hate the female gender generally.
He struggles with his lack of trust in the female gender, but he's made a huge progress. He is a good husband and has a much better attitude toward women now. What about HER responsibility for his previously expressed hatred toward women? Should he start killing women and blaming his ex-wife for it?

And yet the moment he starts looking for a bit of reassurance that he's in no way responsible for the way he speaks to other people, and for the consequences of how he speaks to others, women here are falling over themselves to provide that reassurance.
Quote:

On the other hand, comments can sometimes be triggers....
Yes. And you refusing to go out on a date with someone may trigger him to murder you.

Quote:
Are people here actually saying that it's a good idea for Woggle to bump into an unstable ex in the supermarket and rub her nose in the fact that he's in a new relationship?
He said he was civil to her. What was he supposed to do? NOT go to the supermarket with his new wife to preserve his ex-wife's feelings?
Quote:

Are they saying "yep, go ahead and embroil yourself in scenarios like that. You can be sure that there'll be no negative outcomes..."?
It sounds like you're still implying that what she told their mutual friends (that it's Wog's fault why she became heavily addicted to heroin) is not just an excuse, but a legitimate reason to become what she became.

She was the one who cheated on him and now that he found a new love, it's "rubbing in her face"?
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