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Why doesnt he want to get married?? Its been 4 years!!


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Old 23rd November 2008, 11:35 PM   #1
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Unhappy Why doesnt he want to get married?? Its been 4 years!!

Hey everyone,
I hope you guys can help me out. Ive been with my boyfriend for exactly 4 years today. and its been a rough road for 4 years strait. well the first 6 months were great and then it went down hill from there. okay here it goes: im 23 years old and still a virgin, i plan on being that way till im married. and he respects that. hes not the type that is about getting sex he is a gentelman...sometimes. its never been an issue bc in our culture guys want to marry a virgin....nothing against people that have sex....more power to you...i wish i was getting some bc my hormones are going krazy lol anyways soo we been dating for 4 years and when i met him i told him what i was looking for marriage kids everything i was ready 4 years ago...and please dont tell me im young...ive been through alot and ive experience the vaycays with my girls and having fun im over it and ready to have a family. and hes not. he wont even get engaged to me. and i wana leave him soo bad but ive always been the type of girl that has a problem letting go of the past or people that hurt me but its harder for me to let go no matter how much he has made me cry. we fight sooo much but i feel like if i got out ill never get married no one would want me and ill have nothing. my mom loves him and her oppinion means alot but she doesnt know how much he makes me want to kill myself. he says he loves me and doesnt wanna lose me and that if he doesnt marry me hell never get married but why wont he propose??? its like a dead end relationship. i dont know what to do and like he barely takes me out to the bars or like even with his cousins and in the begining he wouldnt claim me...we met through work and people would ask if we date and hed be like no.....what kind of man would not claim his girlfriend?? 2 years late and he still wouldnt admit it. i dont know what to do...oh and heres another problem....hes not confident with his man hood package...he thinks its too small and it wont be big enough to satisfy me in bed when we get married....i personally dont care bc love is stronger then sex....in facts his arms around me more to me then sex. but he has a big issue with that....hes like if your not happy sexualy il kill myself....you guys my life is soo messed up i think im gonna jump....i need to let go of his bull**** bc hes never gona get ready to commit....and i dont want to force a guy to marry me i want him to want me. hes 26 and i dont think he ever wants to get married...and then he says if we did hes not ready for kids right away and i want babies now...he wont even get engaged to me .... all i do is cry i feel so rejected by him. he has made my confidence soo low by hiding me from the world and never taking me out....we fight soo much im just so scaired to lose him....how do i let go? then im scaired if i walk away he would do something to himself bc he really loves me. but at this point i dont care anymore. im getting old....i dont care what anyone says....im behind the schedule i planned for myself and he put me back 4 years...out of all the fish in the sea i got the worst one. please help.....
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Old 24th November 2008, 1:33 PM   #2
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First... please put your post into paragraphs. A gigantic wall of text is not only difficult to read, but discourages others from even beginning.

If the two of you have talked about marriage and he doesn't want to get married, then you are only fooling yourself by sticking with him thinking he will change his mind. if he doesn't want to get married, whether he actually admits this or not, he isn't going to change because you want him to.

Talk to him about it very seriously. If he expects the two of you to ever get married, ask him when is he expecting this. If you really want something you have to pursue it yourself, you can't just wait around hoping it will find its way to you first.

Don't think that you'll never find someone else to marry you if you separate with him. There are plenty of others out in the world. You are still young (despite you saying you are old). 23 is still young, you still have plenty of time to find someone to settle down and have kids with.

If you let go of him it may take a while to get back on your feet. And you may think you never will or that it will take impossibly forever. But I promise you will eventually get over it and get better.
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Old 24th November 2008, 2:15 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lostforever1827 View Post
Ive been with my boyfriend for exactly 4 years today. and its been a rough road for 4 years strait. well the first 6 months were great and then it went down hill from there.
That could have a lot to do with why he doesn't want to get married. People rarely want to marry someone if the relationship is rocky and has been for years. They want to marry when they're with someone who enhances their life, someone who feels like you're both on the same team, partners, one for all and all for one.

Why do YOU want to marry HIM when you been unhappy for years?


Quote:
i wana leave him soo bad but ive always been the type of girl that has a problem letting go of the past or people that hurt me but its harder for me to let go no matter how much he has made me cry. we fight sooo much
This is not a reason to marry someone. This is a reason to break-up.
Quote:
but i feel like if i got out ill never get married no one would want me and ill have nothing.
Why? Who told you that? I'm guessing you believe that because HE doesn't want to marry you, so you imagine that no one else will either. What you don't realize is that every man and every relationship you have is different. Just because HE doesn't want marriage, doesn't mean you can't fall in love with someone else who will, someone who appreciates what you have to offer and believes his life is better because you are in it.

If you're worried about having nothing, ask yourself what you actually have NOW. You have a bad relationship that makes you cry, with no vision for the future. The longer you stay with him, the longer you will be miserable, and the longer you pass up meeting other guys who might actually love you and want to marry you. Stop wasting your life on him!

Second, a GUY and marriage is NOT all there is to life and is not all there is to you. Just because you might not be dating someone or might not be married, doesn't mean your life can't be full, rewarding, and happy. You are a whole, complete person on your own. You don't need a husband to define who you are.

Quote:
he says he loves me and doesnt wanna lose me and that if he doesnt marry me hell never get married but why wont he propose??? its like a dead end relationship.
Have you asked him why he doesn't want to marry you? Does he have concerns that you two are too young and not ready? Does he have financial concerns about taking care of a family? Does he want more life experience before he gets married?

Quote:
he makes me want to kill myself.

he barely takes me out

in the begining he wouldnt claim me...we met through work and people would ask if we date and hed be like no.....what kind of man would not claim his girlfriend?? 2 years late and he still wouldnt admit it.
Again, more reasons NOT to get married to him. In fact, you should have broken up with him years ago when he chose to hide you from friends, family, and co-workers. WTF is that? Why wouldn't he "admit" he was dating you? He should have been HAPPY to be dating and in love with you, not hiding your relationship!

Why did you accept being treated like that??

Quote:
hes not confident with his man hood package...he thinks its too small and it wont be big enough to satisfy me in bed when we get married....

hes like if your not happy sexualy il kill myself....
He has major self-esteem issues, and sounds very immature.

Quote:
all i do is cry i feel so rejected by him.
he has made my confidence soo low by hiding me from the world and never taking me out....
we fight soo much
Again, more reasons to not want to marry him. You may think that marriage will solve all your misery, but, actually, it will only make things worse because then you'll be stuck forever with a guy who makes you feel like crap. This is your relationship dynamic. No matter what the issue is, he will make you feel like crap, lose your self-esteem, belittle your relationship. How do you think you're going to feel if you get married and he tells you - for years and years - that he's doesn't want to have children? You don't think that will make you feel rejected, angry, and that you won't fight about it all the time?

Quote:
...out of all the fish in the sea i got the worst one. please help.....
It's time to fish or cut bait. It's time for you to walk away. Perhaps that will get his ass in gear - LOSING YOU might actually make him realize how important you are to him.

However, this relationship sounds absolutely awful to me, so I would just break up with him and starting fishing in another pond.
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Old 24th November 2008, 2:55 PM   #4
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You will be miserable if you marry this man!!! You are going to have to trust that you will find a better man out there. You have been unhappy for years ....this is not what love feels like. The good is supposed to out weigh the bad, and if it doesn't then you are just wasting your life with him.
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Old 24th November 2008, 3:18 PM   #5
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Hey, my parents didn't get married until they were 27. They dated since they were 19 and only after they had graduated from college, gotten stable jobs and my mom bought a house, did they get married.

It sounds like you're just clinging because its all you've ever known. 23 might be "old" but its not "old balls old". I'm 23 and I don't think there is any rush to get married because I don't want to be strapped down by some woman. Now, don't get me wrong, I want to get married eventually, and I'm open for dating right now, but I am not looking for anything more than just a girlfriend who wants me.

Don't set a time constraint on when you get married or how old you are. You'll find that right person who you believe is good for you and they'll hopefully see that reflected in your eyes when they look at you.
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Old 24th November 2008, 3:58 PM   #6
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There is nothing wrong with waiting 4 years to get married.

There is something wrong if you want to get married and he does not though.

You will not be happy here, move on.
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Old 24th November 2008, 4:04 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mahatma View Post
There is nothing wrong with waiting 4 years to get married.

There is something wrong if you want to get married and he does not though.

You will not be happy here, move on.
Agreed .. there is nothing wrong with that part of it. But there is something wrong with being in an unhappy unhealthy relationship for four years and still talking about marriage.
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