Why is he doing it?

[C]

I'm dating a man for a short time now and yesterday he told me that he is dating 3 other women at the same time, and that's been going on for a while. I suddenly lost some interest, may be that's what some people think is normal, but in my mind you should concentrate on one person if you really like him, or just find another. How can anything serious develop, how can I even think of him seriously if he meets those 3 other women. To say the least it's not romantic. May be he is just having fun? Seems like he doesn't like any of these women in particular if it's so hard to choose, or does he need many?

[clia]

You obviously have a different dating philosphy than he does. You expect exclusivity immediately, he does not. I don't see anything wrong with multiple dating. I think it semi-tacky that he told you all the details of his multiple dating, but at least he was up front with you about it. I don't see that it puts you at any disadvantage. If he likes you, he will start to spend more time with you and they will fall by the wayside. Many people multiple date because they don't immediately know how they feel about someone, so they date casually for awhile to make that determination. Before exclusivity, anything goes in a relationship.

 

If you don't agree with it, just don't see him any more. It's as easy as that. But I do warn you--he is not the only person out there who does this!

I'm dating a man for a short time now and yesterday he told me that he is dating 3 other women at the same time, and that's been going on for a while. I suddenly lost some interest, may be that's what some people think is normal, but in my mind you should concentrate on one person if you really like him, or just find another. How can anything serious develop, how can I even think of him seriously if he meets those 3 other women. To say the least it's not romantic. May be he is just having fun? Seems like he doesn't like any of these women in particular if it's so hard to choose, or does he need many?

[Tony T]

These are definitely questions you ought to be asking him because the reasons may be numerous.

 

First, if he's only been seeing you for a short time on a non-exclusive basis he has every right in the world to see other people. At least he was honest about that and you should be grateful to have that information.

 

Very often, people date a number of people at the same time. Then, when one relationship begins to be particularly fulfilling, it transitions to exclusivity and the person ceases to date the others.

 

Another reason people date numerous people is because they are trying to avoid emotional intimacy with one person...or maybe they are still getting over a traumatic breakup of some time distance but don't feel they are fully ready to commit to another person.

 

As long as you know he is seeing other people, you don't have to let your emotions run rampant. If you see yourself falling for this guy and he hasn't yet committed to you, butt out fast.

 

This is a very common dating style. Seeing one person at a time is desired by many people but, if that person isn't the right one, it can end in heartbreak. Dating a number of people in order to find Mr. or Ms. Right is very common.

 

If you do not desire to date someone who is honest and who tells you he is seeing other people...which also frees you to see other people as well and to find another you may want to see on an exclusive basis, then just stop dating him. It doesn't take any advice from a message board to figure that out.

 

Don't try to change this guy's lifestyle in any way. That's not your place. Your only job is to be in situations you feel comfortable with and if you don't want to date a guy who sees other people, then don't.

 

As far as sex is concerned, very often a man who sees more than one lady will be sexually exclusive with one of them. Or he may have sex with two or more of them depending on is own morals. That's where the complications come in. You certainly don't want to put yourself in peril of catching diseases if you aren't aware of the condition of his other ladies. And you don't know him well enough yet to know if you can trust him to be truthful about whether or not one or more of the other dating situations involves sex.

 

The decision is yours. I think you ought to talk to him about this and see just what his parameters are for an exclusive relationship...and if you continue to see him leave out the sex until you see a copy of a his most recent medical exam.

 

Also be aware it can take up to four months for AIDS to show up.

 

However, as far as the disease thing goes you can catch something from almost any guy you may date exclusively if he hasn't been treated for something he got before he started seeing you.

[ok]

If you are uncomfortable with him dating multiple people even early in this dating relationship you ought to tell him so.

 

Most people who are 'dating" multiple people use that word as a code word for sleeping around.

 

Date you on Friday, date Susie on Saturday, Date Becky on Wednesday. Meet a new girl on Thursday, toss her into the mix.

 

I'm not saying someone should not do this, but think of it, if you are sleeping with this guy you are exposing yourself to a high risk of STDs.

 

Not only that, even if you do get to an "exclusive" relationship, "formerly" promiscuous people find it difficult to give up all that variety.

[C]

I am unfortunately falling for this guy and I see that we don't understand each other. He is joking all the time, because he obviously is not taking me seriously, and I'm being serious and feeling ridiculous at the same time. I would like to see him more often, but don't want to say it, because I see,that he doesn't need it.I know I'm moving too fast, but I didn't choose it to be this way. That's the way I feel, what can I do? I find myself in a position of always waiting and mentally begging him to become closer. I'm really being confused, is there anything I can do or does it look hopeless?

These are definitely questions you ought to be asking him because the reasons may be numerous.

 

First, if he's only been seeing you for a short time on a non-exclusive basis he has every right in the world to see other people. At least he was honest about that and you should be grateful to have that information. Very often, people date a number of people at the same time. Then, when one relationship begins to be particularly fulfilling, it transitions to exclusivity and the person ceases to date the others. Another reason people date numerous people is because they are trying to avoid emotional intimacy with one person...or maybe they are still getting over a traumatic breakup of some time distance but don't feel they are fully ready to commit to another person. As long as you know he is seeing other people, you don't have to let your emotions run rampant. If you see yourself falling for this guy and he hasn't yet committed to you, butt out fast. This is a very common dating style. Seeing one person at a time is desired by many people but, if that person isn't the right one, it can end in heartbreak. Dating a number of people in order to find Mr. or Ms. Right is very common.

 

If you do not desire to date someone who is honest and who tells you he is seeing other people...which also frees you to see other people as well and to find another you may want to see on an exclusive basis, then just stop dating him. It doesn't take any advice from a message board to figure that out. Don't try to change this guy's lifestyle in any way. That's not your place. Your only job is to be in situations you feel comfortable with and if you don't want to date a guy who sees other people, then don't. As far as sex is concerned, very often a man who sees more than one lady will be sexually exclusive with one of them. Or he may have sex with two or more of them depending on is own morals. That's where the complications come in. You certainly don't want to put yourself in peril of catching diseases if you aren't aware of the condition of his other ladies. And you don't know him well enough yet to know if you can trust him to be truthful about whether or not one or more of the other dating situations involves sex. The decision is yours. I think you ought to talk to him about this and see just what his parameters are for an exclusive relationship...and if you continue to see him leave out the sex until you see a copy of a his most recent medical exam.

 

Also be aware it can take up to four months for AIDS to show up. However, as far as the disease thing goes you can catch something from almost any guy you may date exclusively if he hasn't been treated for something he got before he started seeing you.

[Tony T]

I know where you're coming from...I know exactly how you feel. You need to protect your feelings and you need to cut things short if you're headed for deep disappointment and heartbreak.

 

It's time to talk to him and tell him you are beginning to have feelings for him. It's just the bottom line truth that you or anybody else for that matter would want to invest much more time and emotion in a man who is seeing two or three other people and has no intentions of focusing on you.

 

Talk to him and see what his reaction is. If he is having any feelings for you at all beyond the dating fun thing, you might be pleasantly surprised and he may stop seeing the others. I'm afaid, though, that right now he's a party animal and just playing the field to have fun and avoid closeness with one person. He put you on notice early on that he was seeing other people so you knew that.

 

See what he has to say...and do it soon. If you don't see any possibility that he will make you his number one VERY SOON, exit this situation immediately or suffer the emotional consequences. It's just not looking out for yourself in a rationally selfish way to keep seeing someone who likes the company of many ladies and has no intention of making you his primary and exclusive love interest.

 

Try not to do this again...it's not fun at all.

[Angel]

Boy, I've been this route---and no it's not fun. If this is how you are feeling now, wanting exclusivity, ask for it, but be prepared (REALLY PREPARED) to move on if he selects not to. Give him an ultamatum (spelling?) without it sounding like one. You are fortunate that he told you about it---mine did it for almost 3 years without telling me about dating his "female friends". Good luck.

I know where you're coming from...I know exactly how you feel. You need to protect your feelings and you need to cut things short if you're headed for deep disappointment and heartbreak.

 

It's time to talk to him and tell him you are beginning to have feelings for him. It's just the bottom line truth that you or anybody else for that matter would want to invest much more time and emotion in a man who is seeing two or three other people and has no intentions of focusing on you. Talk to him and see what his reaction is. If he is having any feelings for you at all beyond the dating fun thing, you might be pleasantly surprised and he may stop seeing the others. I'm afaid, though, that right now he's a party animal and just playing the field to have fun and avoid closeness with one person. He put you on notice early on that he was seeing other people so you knew that. See what he has to say...and do it soon. If you don't see any possibility that he will make you his number one VERY SOON, exit this situation immediately or suffer the emotional consequences. It's just not looking out for yourself in a rationally selfish way to keep seeing someone who likes the company of many ladies and has no intention of making you his primary and exclusive love interest.

 

Try not to do this again...it's not fun at all.

[Angel]

Great point! Never thought of that one, and you are absolutely right. Some formerly promiscuous people do not bend easily to the notion of dropping all that "variety". Players can change--but can tigers change their stripes?

If you are uncomfortable with him dating multiple people even early in this dating relationship you ought to tell him so. Most people who are 'dating" multiple people use that word as a code word for sleeping around. Date you on Friday, date Susie on Saturday, Date Becky on Wednesday. Meet a new girl on Thursday, toss her into the mix. I'm not saying someone should not do this, but think of it, if you are sleeping with this guy you are exposing yourself to a high risk of STDs. Not only that, even if you do get to an "exclusive" relationship, "formerly" promiscuous people find it difficult to give up all that variety.

 

[Samantha]

He's not looking for a relationship or for anything serious to develop. He wants to date. If this isn't what you want, than get out of it.

I'm dating a man for a short time now and yesterday he told me that he is dating 3 other women at the same time, and that's been going on for a while. I suddenly lost some interest, may be that's what some people think is normal, but in my mind you should concentrate on one person if you really like him, or just find another. How can anything serious develop, how can I even think of him seriously if he meets those 3 other women. To say the least it's not romantic. May be he is just having fun? Seems like he doesn't like any of these women in particular if it's so hard to choose, or does he need many?

[ok]

You know, practically speaking, as a guy, maintaining a dating lifestyle with so many women is expensive.

 

Each wants to be wined and dined, taken off skiing (or whatnot) and to be given nice gifts from time to time.

 

Or, on a more superficial level, either taken back to your place or to a hotel.

 

I would think that a player would rather use a hotel than to let the coterie of women know where he lives.

 

So, this all adds up to $$$.

 

If you are looking for an exclusive relationship, he won't have $$$ for just you. But he will be able to up your risk of exposure to STDs.