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My boyfriend never plans a date...


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Old 3rd November 2008, 8:26 PM   #1
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Unhappy My boyfriend never plans a date...

I have been dating my BF for about 10 months. When we first started dating, he would ask me out in advance - you know plan a date.

After the initial "newness" wore off, he was a lot more laid back and would not plan dates. He would call me in the morning and say, "Can I see you tonight?" The first few times was no big deal, but when this started happening more and more, I raised the issue that i would like at least some of our dates planned. It helped me plan my week a little better.

He said that he has always been "spontaneous" and not much of a planner. You can tell that I am the "planner" type. I told him I would try to be more spontaneous, but I would like him to try to plan some dates. Well....I kept up my end of the deal and he has not once planned a date in advance.

So for a guy that is sometimes so laid back, I think his head will fall out, and who is normally respectful and loving, I am not sure what to do since this is frustrating to me. He is getting his needs met (at least he says so), but I am left out in the cold. Ugh. There are a couple of other issues he igores and I am concerned that this is how it will always be. These are red flags that show me he just ignores issues.

What should I do? Do guys dig in their heels and become stubborn when something is asked of them that they don't want to do (I guess I already know this answer.... He is incredibly stubborn and I am not sure I can continue to date someone that is this stubborn.
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Old 3rd November 2008, 8:56 PM   #2
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If he won't show you this simple level of respect and consideration, that says he doesn't really value you. It's not that hard to make a plan now and then.

My last boyfriend was the same way. It was so foreign for me to be in that situation, because all the guys I'd dated seriously before took great care to plan these elaborate and amazing dates -- and they loved how impressed and appreciative I was. Once I pointed it out and told him it made me happy for him to plan dates, he started doing it more, and it was great. It's a completely fair request.
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Old 3rd November 2008, 9:47 PM   #3
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Thumbs down noooooooooo

A guy who " doesn't ask you on a date , doesn't plan anything , doesn't take the time ....and claims he does not * think like that * is USING YOU !

He is getting what he wants. Let me guess...Sex ? When its conveinant for him. And let me guess you come over or he comes over and he gets his needs met for free ? Right ?

I would from TODAY ( !! ) when he calls... let the phone ring ... let it go to message.
Wait until the next day. When he calls and calls and wants you to come over or he stop by just say ..." Sorry Tom , you know for the longest time I have asked you to do go out on real dates ,.but you dont. So I have decided I am going to start dating others that ask me on a REAL DATE. Beware he is losing his booty call so he will sweet talk , take you on a few dates ( maybe but revert back to the booty uncomplicato ! )

DO NOT let this guy USE you anymore !
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I don't know alot of women who sit around saying " God I hate men. I would love to rub their testicles in honey and feed them to the ants. " mary3
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Old 4th November 2008, 2:11 AM   #4
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If you are always available when he is spontaneously wanting to see you, then he will not be motivated to make plans, since his way is working out just fine for him.

Be more elusive. Don't always say "yes" when he calls or wants to come over. Even if you aren't busy, maybe you just want a little time for yourself. If he figures out that his way isn't working after a time or two of you being "busy" or turning his offer away, he should attempt to plan something, or you could subtly suggest that he do so after denying his spontaneous "see-you."

Something like "Oh, I'm busy tonight with (insert whatever you want here). Maybe sometime next week, did you have something in mind?"

Also you should feel free to initiate plans yourself if you don't already.
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Old 4th November 2008, 3:28 AM   #5
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planning

how about that: when he calls you, tell him you're busy and do more that inventing some pretext... HAVE REASONS...

Do things, go out with friends, go to movies, theatre, visit people you acre about...so when HE calls you we will hear noise around you and he will actually BELIEVE that you are busy...

what you could say; is: "oh, thanks for calling, but u see, I'm busy this evening ( and perhaps tell him what you're doing...- playing mysterious doesn't really work, from my experience). Bu hey, i'd love to see you some other time "( perhaps suggest : tomorrow, the day after tomorrow - or leave him suggest another day). - well something within there lines.

the point is ...BEING ALWAYS AVAILABLE for them leads to bad habits...they start to believe that you haven't- got anything else to do than sit there and expect a call from them...
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Old 4th November 2008, 2:24 PM   #6
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Have tried some of these....

Thank you for all of the replies. I turn him down about 70% of the time. And no its not just a booty call. We dine out or just hang out and we don't always have sex. I think I need to be a little more direct and say "I can't tonight, but how about Thursday"...or "the only day I am free this week is Wednesday", etc.

Trust me, I am no doormat. My friends think I am being unreasonable since he is very loving, patient, etc. but since this is important to me, I think what I am doing is not working, so I need to try another method.
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Old 4th November 2008, 2:49 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mary3 View Post
A guy who " doesn't ask you on a date , doesn't plan anything , doesn't take the time ....and claims he does not * think like that * is USING YOU !

He is getting what he wants. Let me guess...Sex ? When its conveinant for him. And let me guess you come over or he comes over and he gets his needs met for free ? Right ?

I would from TODAY ( !! ) when he calls... let the phone ring ... let it go to message.
Wait until the next day. When he calls and calls and wants you to come over or he stop by just say ..." Sorry Tom , you know for the longest time I have asked you to do go out on real dates ,.but you dont. So I have decided I am going to start dating others that ask me on a REAL DATE. Beware he is losing his booty call so he will sweet talk , take you on a few dates ( maybe but revert back to the booty uncomplicato ! )

DO NOT let this guy USE you anymore !

I agree with PART of this advice. I agree that when he calls you to come over later you should not pick up and not call him til the next date. I agree that you should tell him, "Sorry Tom, you know for the longest time I have asked you to go out on real dates.... but you don't." But I DO NOT agree with playing games and telling him you're dating others. Instead, I think you should be honest and say, "so from now on I have decided I am going to hold off on seeing you until you can compromise with me (as you already agreed to do) and plan dates with me some of the time. The rest of the time, when you ask me to come over later that day, I will pick up the phone and let you come over when it works for me. I really like you and I want us both to be fulfilled in this relationship. Thanks for understanding."

Games are stupid and just make things worse. If you can't have honesty in a relationship, then what's the point? Good luck you sound like a good, decent girl and you don't deserve to be strung along.

-sgf
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Old 4th November 2008, 3:18 PM   #8
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I think your complaint is fairly common among people dating a while and of course those who are married. Sometimes it comes out as "He never takes me anywhere anymore", "We don't go anywhere nice", "He used to..."
But the complaint is basically the same and if not adressed, lets face it, thats boring.

My H is still pretty good about dates, but he was slacking a while ago.
We had a conversation where I told him he didn't seem as interested in romantic dates, being entertaining, like he used to. I mean we have fun...but still. After some dialogue, he repeated back to me: "You like anticipating a date/event at the end of the week. You like picking out what to wear and getting ready. OK, I get that. "

Thats literally all it took. Prior to that he didnt notice because the planning and anticipation to him, are just no big deal. A girl thing. He didnt get it, now he does.
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Old 4th November 2008, 4:48 PM   #9
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My "aha" moment....

This afternoon I decided to do something different moving forward. The next time he asks me out, I am going to say something to the effect of "I would love to see you but if you would like to date me, I want to be asked out in advance. Thanks honey".

No arguing, no threatening, no telling him I will date others, no games. Just straight forward standing up for myself without the B.S.

Wow - I feel better already. Although forming new habits can be a little "un-nerving" at first. I guess that is part of growth.

If he gets pissy about this and decides to be stubborn, then it is totally his loss and it shows me his priorities and his immaturities.........and these may not mesh with me. If we do part ways, it will not be because I was unreasonable. lol
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Old 4th November 2008, 9:17 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by serialgf View Post
I agree with PART of this advice. I agree that when he calls you to come over later you should not pick up and not call him til the next date. I agree that you should tell him, "Sorry Tom, you know for the longest time I have asked you to go out on real dates.... but you don't." But I DO NOT agree with playing games and telling him you're dating others. Instead, I think you should be honest and say, "so from now on I have decided I am going to hold off on seeing you until you can compromise with me (as you already agreed to do) and plan dates with me some of the time. The rest of the time, when you ask me to come over later that day, I will pick up the phone and let you come over when it works for me. I really like you and I want us both to be fulfilled in this relationship. Thanks for understanding."

Games are stupid and just make things worse. If you can't have honesty in a relationship, then what's the point? Good luck you sound like a good, decent girl and you don't deserve to be strung along.

-sgf
The dating part is NO GAME. You tell him you are seeing others now and you DO. Why should you sit around wasting your life on this one guy when after cluing him in, you inform him you are not available for him anymore and you DO go on dates with other guys..Thats called being selective....
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Old 4th November 2008, 9:20 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hayworth24 View Post
This afternoon I decided to do something different moving forward. The next time he asks me out, I am going to say something to the effect of "I would love to see you but if you would like to date me, I want to be asked out in advance. Thanks honey".

No arguing, no threatening, no telling him I will date others, no games. Just straight forward standing up for myself without the B.S.

Wow - I feel better already. Although forming new habits can be a little "un-nerving" at first. I guess that is part of growth.

If he gets pissy about this and decides to be stubborn, then it is totally his loss and it shows me his priorities and his immaturities.........and these may not mesh with me. If we do part ways, it will not be because I was unreasonable. lol
I had a fromer (2 years prior) booty call who recently kept trying to * come over and hang out * after tipping him off that I have changed and if he is ready to ask me out on a real date , let me know. Needless to say he keeps calling and I don't answer...I think he takes the premise . "If I ask her enough she will give in and let me come over ." Um no....
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