is this even worth it? help, please!!

[tinglybum]

My boyfriend and I live together and he talks often of us getting married, though neither of us is to the point of buying rings or setting dates.

 

My problem is our arguing. We used to argue on a regular basis, that has calmed down now as we are both more relaxed with each other. My problem now is the way he argues. We occassionaly, as most couples do, argue over stupid, mundane things that dont even matter. The problem is that anything I say that has even the slightest negative conotation, he views as an attack on his character or an insult, even when I use terms such is "it seems" or "I think.." he tells me that I am telling him how feels.

 

Often in an argument he will tell me that "we're done". It gets to be frustrating and it hurts. If I ask him if thats truly what he wants or if hes just angry, he won't answer me. I always calm down first and realise the ridulousness of whatever we are arguing about and try to reason with him. He refuses to calm down, its like he wants to hold on to his anger, even though the fight was about nothing and so there really isnt anything to be angry about. I end up begging, pleading and banging my head against the wall LITERALLY for hours, trying to get him to listen to reason. If I dont do this, he is content to not speak to me for days and will do things like sleep on the couch or on the floor in our bedroom, telling me that our bed "just doesnt feel right". He even gets to a point where he completely shuts down and refuses to speak, I could literally go and kick him and he still wouldnt even look at or speak to me.

 

We had an argument one morning and he ended up shutting down. My sister called while this was happening to tell me that my grandmother had had a stroke and was in hospital, he wouldnt even look at or answer me when i asked him to come to the hospital with me.

 

We had an argument last night and as usual he was unable to calm down. I asked him what he needed from me, if he wanted me to go to my parents for the weekend so he could have some space or what. All i got from that was "do what you want". I told him on the phone that I love him and he hung up in my ear. He is incapable of telling me he loves me when he is angry with me.

 

We are both home right now, I work nights and he hasnt said a word to me since I got here. For once i havent even tried to speak with him, I just dont have the energy. Does anyone out there think this is salvagable, we tried counselling, he went once and wouldnt go again. I'm so tired...any advice would be greatly appreciated...thanks!!

[yes]

woh...

 

i'd say - no its not worth it, unless he agrees to counseling, which he apparently didn't.

 

that bit with not coming to the hospital w/ u when yr grandma had a stroke would be the last drop for me - ...

 

if i were u, i'd pack my stuff and be gone.

 

good luck!

My boyfriend and I live together and he talks often of us getting married, though neither of us is to the point of buying rings or setting dates. My problem is our arguing. We used to argue on a regular basis, that has calmed down now as we are both more relaxed with each other. My problem now is the way he argues. We occassionaly, as most couples do, argue over stupid, mundane things that dont even matter. The problem is that anything I say that has even the slightest negative conotation, he views as an attack on his character or an insult, even when I use terms such is "it seems" or "I think.." he tells me that I am telling him how feels. Often in an argument he will tell me that "we're done". It gets to be frustrating and it hurts. If I ask him if thats truly what he wants or if hes just angry, he won't answer me. I always calm down first and realise the ridulousness of whatever we are arguing about and try to reason with him. He refuses to calm down, its like he wants to hold on to his anger, even though the fight was about nothing and so there really isnt anything to be angry about. I end up begging, pleading and banging my head against the wall LITERALLY for hours, trying to get him to listen to reason. If I dont do this, he is content to not speak to me for days and will do things like sleep on the couch or on the floor in our bedroom, telling me that our bed "just doesnt feel right". He even gets to a point where he completely shuts down and refuses to speak, I could literally go and kick him and he still wouldnt even look at or speak to me. We had an argument one morning and he ended up shutting down. My sister called while this was happening to tell me that my grandmother had had a stroke and was in hospital, he wouldnt even look at or answer me when i asked him to come to the hospital with me. We had an argument last night and as usual he was unable to calm down. I asked him what he needed from me, if he wanted me to go to my parents for the weekend so he could have some space or what. All i got from that was "do what you want". I told him on the phone that I love him and he hung up in my ear. He is incapable of telling me he loves me when he is angry with me. We are both home right now, I work nights and he hasnt said a word to me since I got here. For once i havent even tried to speak with him, I just dont have the energy. Does anyone out there think this is salvagable, we tried counselling, he went once and wouldnt go again. I'm so tired...any advice would be greatly appreciated...thanks!!

[Bill]

Go to your parents house and stay there. Get rid of him!

My boyfriend and I live together and he talks often of us getting married, though neither of us is to the point of buying rings or setting dates. My problem is our arguing. We used to argue on a regular basis, that has calmed down now as we are both more relaxed with each other. My problem now is the way he argues. We occassionaly, as most couples do, argue over stupid, mundane things that dont even matter. The problem is that anything I say that has even the slightest negative conotation, he views as an attack on his character or an insult, even when I use terms such is "it seems" or "I think.." he tells me that I am telling him how feels. Often in an argument he will tell me that "we're done". It gets to be frustrating and it hurts. If I ask him if thats truly what he wants or if hes just angry, he won't answer me. I always calm down first and realise the ridulousness of whatever we are arguing about and try to reason with him. He refuses to calm down, its like he wants to hold on to his anger, even though the fight was about nothing and so there really isnt anything to be angry about. I end up begging, pleading and banging my head against the wall LITERALLY for hours, trying to get him to listen to reason. If I dont do this, he is content to not speak to me for days and will do things like sleep on the couch or on the floor in our bedroom, telling me that our bed "just doesnt feel right". He even gets to a point where he completely shuts down and refuses to speak, I could literally go and kick him and he still wouldnt even look at or speak to me. We had an argument one morning and he ended up shutting down. My sister called while this was happening to tell me that my grandmother had had a stroke and was in hospital, he wouldnt even look at or answer me when i asked him to come to the hospital with me. We had an argument last night and as usual he was unable to calm down. I asked him what he needed from me, if he wanted me to go to my parents for the weekend so he could have some space or what. All i got from that was "do what you want". I told him on the phone that I love him and he hung up in my ear. He is incapable of telling me he loves me when he is angry with me. We are both home right now, I work nights and he hasnt said a word to me since I got here. For once i havent even tried to speak with him, I just dont have the energy. Does anyone out there think this is salvagable, we tried counselling, he went once and wouldnt go again. I'm so tired...any advice would be greatly appreciated...thanks!!

[clia]

Think long and hard about whether this is something you want to deal with for the next 50 or so years. Sometimes love just isn't enough to marry someone. You have to be able to live with their "flaws." Personally, I don't think this one is worth it, since he seems to have no desire to try to change his ways.

My boyfriend and I live together and he talks often of us getting married, though neither of us is to the point of buying rings or setting dates. My problem is our arguing. We used to argue on a regular basis, that has calmed down now as we are both more relaxed with each other. My problem now is the way he argues. We occassionaly, as most couples do, argue over stupid, mundane things that dont even matter. The problem is that anything I say that has even the slightest negative conotation, he views as an attack on his character or an insult, even when I use terms such is "it seems" or "I think.." he tells me that I am telling him how feels. Often in an argument he will tell me that "we're done". It gets to be frustrating and it hurts. If I ask him if thats truly what he wants or if hes just angry, he won't answer me. I always calm down first and realise the ridulousness of whatever we are arguing about and try to reason with him. He refuses to calm down, its like he wants to hold on to his anger, even though the fight was about nothing and so there really isnt anything to be angry about. I end up begging, pleading and banging my head against the wall LITERALLY for hours, trying to get him to listen to reason. If I dont do this, he is content to not speak to me for days and will do things like sleep on the couch or on the floor in our bedroom, telling me that our bed "just doesnt feel right". He even gets to a point where he completely shuts down and refuses to speak, I could literally go and kick him and he still wouldnt even look at or speak to me. We had an argument one morning and he ended up shutting down. My sister called while this was happening to tell me that my grandmother had had a stroke and was in hospital, he wouldnt even look at or answer me when i asked him to come to the hospital with me. We had an argument last night and as usual he was unable to calm down. I asked him what he needed from me, if he wanted me to go to my parents for the weekend so he could have some space or what. All i got from that was "do what you want". I told him on the phone that I love him and he hung up in my ear. He is incapable of telling me he loves me when he is angry with me. We are both home right now, I work nights and he hasnt said a word to me since I got here. For once i havent even tried to speak with him, I just dont have the energy. Does anyone out there think this is salvagable, we tried counselling, he went once and wouldnt go again. I'm so tired...any advice would be greatly appreciated...thanks!!

[:)]

Based on what you've written, I'd say your boyfriend is very abusive to you, in a passive-aggressive way. To me, his this behavior toward you isn't much different than him slapping you around. He's manipulative and attempting to control you by his silence and 'shutting down.' He obviously has some big problems.

 

One thing you wrote that I have to disagree with:

 

"We occassionaly, as most couples do, argue over stupid, mundane things that dont even matter."

 

Yes, there are couples who do this, but I wouldn't say that "most" do....and I wouldn't say that couples who have satisfying, meaningful, stable and healthy relationship do this with any regularlity.

 

Has you b/f been like this from the start of your relationship or is this behavior of his something new over the past while? How long has it been going on for? I take it that it's getting worse?

 

I don't know whether he's just really insecure, or whether he's just a hypersensitive kind of person. Or maybe he gets off on playing these games with you cuz he knows they upset and frustrate you. Hard to know for sure what motivates him to act like a horse's ass.

 

You can't go on living this way or before long, you're not going to have any self esteem left at all.....and you'll be nothing but a ball of stress. Relationships are NOT supposed to be like this at all. Sure, we all get in our little 'moods' once in a while, but he sounds like he's got the emotional maturity of a 3 yr old.

 

What ages are you both?

 

For him to even discuss marriage, given the way things are between you, it would indicate to me that he has no idea how unhealthy your relationship is. The worst thing you 2 could do is to make a lifetime commitment to each other/marry, as things stand now.

 

The fact that he was acting so rudely to you even when you'd just found out your Grandma had had a stroke, and he let his childishness get in the way of being a support for you (wouldn't even talk to you/go to see her with you)...that is NOT what a loving partner/best friend does. He has some nerve!!

 

I suggest you sit down with him, or write him a letter if you think that trying to talk to him would result in him getting all huffy and just leaving, midway through the conversation....and share how you feel with him...much like you wrote here. Explain to him that what he's doing is passive-aggressive ABUSE and that you will not stand for any more of it.......that he is disrespecting you on a regular basis and that you deserve more. Tell him that his silence and games are unacceptable and that you can't live like this any longer. Tell him that unless he's willing to sit down and discuss this/and go for counselling, that you are going to leave/or he needs to move out......until such times as he gets his head out of his arse and grows up and learns to act and communicate like an adult.

 

Call up your local Battered Woman's Shelter...and speak with one of the volunteers (women) who work there. You can do it anonymously, of course.....and explain to them his behavior.....and I KNOW that they will explain to you that his behavior is a form of abuse.......and they can help you to see that this is so unhealthy, and perhaps give you suggestions on how to deal with someone like this/or become strong enough to leave their sorry ass.

 

I have been in relationships with blatantly abusive men (verbal, physical, mental)...and I've been in relationships with 2 men who were similar to what you describe your guy as. They were notorious for the 'silent treatment'....or never being able to discuss things/always having to get up and leave.......over time, and especially now/looking back, I can see how pitiful they were....how manipulative, insecure, controlling they were. I am glad not to be with guys like this any longer. This type of abuse is mental abuse, as far as I'm concerned.

 

Your guy has some major problems....what they are, I'm not sure....but he needs to figure out what they are and deal with them properly.....and if he can't do that, he doesn't deserve you.

[Tony T]

Everything written above is right on target. Read it carefully.

 

Passive agressive people are the WORST to deal with because they're behavior is hard to figure out sometimes. At least when people knock you around you know what the game is and you can react immediately and decisively.

[velvet]

I wouldnt want to talk to you either if you were kicking me and banging your head on the wall like a psycho to get my attention. He has every right to avoid you and not speak to you. He is probably wondering why on Earth he is still with you.

 

He didnt go to the hospital with you because he sees no effort in comforting you after you damage the r/s.

 

Just the fact that you mentioned two things in your post that was completely psycho makes me think your the cause of the problems.

 

All you can do is let time heal him. Next time he doesnt want to talk to you go kick a pillow or leave house so you dont do anything more to hurt the r/s.

 

Your the one who needs help, continue seeing the therapist.

 

My boyfriend and I live together and he talks often of us getting married, though neither of us is to the point of buying rings or setting dates. My problem is our arguing. We used to argue on a regular basis, that has calmed down now as we are both more relaxed with each other. My problem now is the way he argues. We occassionaly, as most couples do, argue over stupid, mundane things that dont even matter. The problem is that anything I say that has even the slightest negative conotation, he views as an attack on his character or an insult, even when I use terms such is "it seems" or "I think.." he tells me that I am telling him how feels. Often in an argument he will tell me that "we're done". It gets to be frustrating and it hurts. If I ask him if thats truly what he wants or if hes just angry, he won't answer me. I always calm down first and realise the ridulousness of whatever we are arguing about and try to reason with him. He refuses to calm down, its like he wants to hold on to his anger, even though the fight was about nothing and so there really isnt anything to be angry about. I end up begging, pleading and banging my head against the wall LITERALLY for hours, trying to get him to listen to reason. If I dont do this, he is content to not speak to me for days and will do things like sleep on the couch or on the floor in our bedroom, telling me that our bed "just doesnt feel right". He even gets to a point where he completely shuts down and refuses to speak, I could literally go and kick him and he still wouldnt even look at or speak to me. We had an argument one morning and he ended up shutting down. My sister called while this was happening to tell me that my grandmother had had a stroke and was in hospital, he wouldnt even look at or answer me when i asked him to come to the hospital with me. We had an argument last night and as usual he was unable to calm down. I asked him what he needed from me, if he wanted me to go to my parents for the weekend so he could have some space or what. All i got from that was "do what you want". I told him on the phone that I love him and he hung up in my ear. He is incapable of telling me he loves me when he is angry with me. We are both home right now, I work nights and he hasnt said a word to me since I got here. For once i havent even tried to speak with him, I just dont have the energy. Does anyone out there think this is salvagable, we tried counselling, he went once and wouldnt go again. I'm so tired...any advice would be greatly appreciated...thanks!!

[Crystal]

geeesh i got pooped out just reading your post!

 

i would leave him hon..no doubt in my mind!

 

sorry but he makes my guy sound like a saint! LOL..

 

i know you posted below to my post about the similarities but i have to tell you when my fiance gets mad at me and says mean and hurtful things, then later he does just the opposite as your does, he calls and acts like nothing even happened!

 

i dont know which would be worse, but the silent treatment would drive me away, far far away!

 

he sounds very immature, and maybe he dont know how to communicate well or is very uncomfortable with bearing his feelings or with your feelings for that matter too.

 

i'm not good at giving advice cause my own situation makes me feel unsure of myself but from what you posted, i dont think i would have troubles leaving him, if he doesnt even care if you leave or stay how long before he noticed you hadnt come back?

 

we both need good luck here!

My boyfriend and I live together and he talks often of us getting married, though neither of us is to the point of buying rings or setting dates. My problem is our arguing. We used to argue on a regular basis, that has calmed down now as we are both more relaxed with each other. My problem now is the way he argues. We occassionaly, as most couples do, argue over stupid, mundane things that dont even matter. The problem is that anything I say that has even the slightest negative conotation, he views as an attack on his character or an insult, even when I use terms such is "it seems" or "I think.." he tells me that I am telling him how feels. Often in an argument he will tell me that "we're done". It gets to be frustrating and it hurts. If I ask him if thats truly what he wants or if hes just angry, he won't answer me. I always calm down first and realise the ridulousness of whatever we are arguing about and try to reason with him. He refuses to calm down, its like he wants to hold on to his anger, even though the fight was about nothing and so there really isnt anything to be angry about. I end up begging, pleading and banging my head against the wall LITERALLY for hours, trying to get him to listen to reason. If I dont do this, he is content to not speak to me for days and will do things like sleep on the couch or on the floor in our bedroom, telling me that our bed "just doesnt feel right". He even gets to a point where he completely shuts down and refuses to speak, I could literally go and kick him and he still wouldnt even look at or speak to me. We had an argument one morning and he ended up shutting down. My sister called while this was happening to tell me that my grandmother had had a stroke and was in hospital, he wouldnt even look at or answer me when i asked him to come to the hospital with me. We had an argument last night and as usual he was unable to calm down. I asked him what he needed from me, if he wanted me to go to my parents for the weekend so he could have some space or what. All i got from that was "do what you want". I told him on the phone that I love him and he hung up in my ear. He is incapable of telling me he loves me when he is angry with me. We are both home right now, I work nights and he hasnt said a word to me since I got here. For once i havent even tried to speak with him, I just dont have the energy. Does anyone out there think this is salvagable, we tried counselling, he went once and wouldnt go again. I'm so tired...any advice would be greatly appreciated...thanks!!

[:)]

I wouldnt want to talk to you either if you were kicking me and banging your head on the wall like a psycho to get my attention. He has every right to avoid you and not speak to you. He is probably wondering why on Earth he is still with you.

Oh my God! Either you read through her post so damn quickly that you missed most of it, or else you're not that familiar with the English language and didn't notice her very commonly used "expressions."

 

Her reference to 'banging her head against the wall' wasn't literal, meaning, she didn't mean she ACTUALLY banged her head against the wall. It's an expression that means something along the lines of "doing something totally stupid (like banging head against wall) and pointless because it couldn't be more stupid or pointless than what's already going on"..or that you might as well bang your head against a well because you're not going to get THROUGH to the person you're dealing with.

 

Um, as for reference about "kicking" him, um, Einstein? She did NOT say she kicked him, and she didn't even mean she WANTED to kick him. Again, just an expression. She meant that she simply couldn't get his attention ..oh nevermind, you're obviously fairly lost. Hopefully the person who posted doesn't take your rude and nasty and misinformed advice to heart. Are you blonde by any chance?

[tinglybum]

When i said "banging my head against a wall" it was not meant literally and as for "kicking him" i simply meant if I were to do something that extreme (which I would NOT)i would still not get a response. Maybe you should take a look at your own psyche before you accuse other people of having mental problems.

I wouldnt want to talk to you either if you were kicking me and banging your head on the wall like a psycho to get my attention. He has every right to avoid you and not speak to you. He is probably wondering why on Earth he is still with you. He didnt go to the hospital with you because he sees no effort in comforting you after you damage the r/s. Just the fact that you mentioned two things in your post that was completely psycho makes me think your the cause of the problems. All you can do is let time heal him. Next time he doesnt want to talk to you go kick a pillow or leave house so you dont do anything more to hurt the r/s. Your the one who needs help, continue seeing the therapist.