Quiet boyfriend

[Garbo]

My boyfriend of over a year is so quiet sometimes, and can also be nonresponsive. I know he likes me and enjoys my company. We have discussed his being quiet and he has told me he is shy. But he has also told me that sometimes it is too much work to be social. He told me this about social situations, not us. But I think it's possible that he would just rather me talk and he not have to put much effort into it.

 

I have to ask him questions if I want any input in things sometimes, especially if it has to do with our relationship. He will talk about things he enjoys doing. As a matter of fact, we can talk an hour on the phone a day, but it's usually about small talk stuff, like how our day went, things that happened in our days. But then we get face to face, and I feel like I'm leading the conversation.

 

What's wierd to me the most is that he does not comment much on things I talk about. I have to ask him how he feels about something.

 

It is frustrating at times. I get tired. And I don't want to feel that way because I think he's a nice guy. Why is he like this and is there anything that can be done? I have tried to be quieter to see if this opens him up, but it's like there is just silence. There has got to be a solution to bringing someone out into conversation. Help!

[Lucky_One]

My favorite HS boyfriend was very quiet. Shy and quiet. It took a bit of getting used to, before I realized that he was happy with me and happy with our R, and that he was thankful that we could have quiet times without anyone feeling awkward. We didn't work out for a lot of reasons, but it was a good relationship while it lasted.

 

I used to feel tired at the beginning, when I felt like I had to carry the conversation, but as I realized that we didn't have to talk unless there was something to say, then it was fine.

[joshaz]

I'd like to point out the difference between shy and introverted. Shy is not being open around new people. Introverted is being happy to be outside the group a bit. The two often go hand in hand, but the difference here is that after a year I don't think shyness would be a factor between you two. If he is introverted (likely) and you are more extroverted, this could be the cause for the disconnect. Have you ever taken a Myers-Briggs test? Or already know you are extroverted?

 

I wouldn't tell you that the two are incompatible. Being introverted myself though I can tell you us introverts are pretty happy with silence, and don't find anything wrong with it.

[Garbo]

Yes, I do think he is comfortable with silence. He does not really seem shy anymore, and he seems comfortable with himself.

[Flowerpower7]

you may want to check out a paperback book called "How to get a man to fall in love with you" It lists different 'types' of men....and how to communicate with them. Its very good!

[Vertex]

I think being comfortable with silence is a good thing. It can be awkward to talk for the pure sake of talking when there's really nothing to say. Quality over quantity, you know?

 

However, if you're trying to talk to him and he's not being much of a conversationalist, that could be a different issue. If he doesn't seem interested in what you're doing, that is another story as well. If you guys have simply run out of things to talk about, then that's an opportunity to talk about getting out there and doing something fun together.

[Ruby Slippers]

The fiance of a good friend of mine is the same way. But he always talks his head off around me. I think it's because we're the same astrological sign (Cancer), and I somehow know how to draw it out of him.

 

I think this is something you're going to have to accept. He's probably been like this as long as you've known him, right? It's just who he is. I say find ways of communicating that work for you, and make the most of those. Maybe try doing some new things together. Take a long walk in a cool nature place, or go hear some music, try a new restaurant. This might give you some new things to talk about. Or maybe he'll still be quiet, but you'll probably have fun anyway.

[Garbo]

Thanks for the replies.

 

I am comfortable with silence sometimes. It's when I'm talking and he doesn't comment or ask me questions back, it feels like I'm talking to myself sometimes. I can't understand why he doesn't. I guess it's possible he just really doesn't have anything to say about what I'm talking about.

[Vertex]

You could always try to turn things around into a deeper discussion that's more than just yes/no questions ("what's your opinion on blabla")