Gotta date tonight

[LuckyDave]

After the long draught of 5 weeks I finally have a date tonight. The only catch is this woman has GET THIS: 4 kids! I have none. I haven't even been married. Am I asking for trouble? I'm 34. She's 32, so she has been BUSY in the kid making department!

 

I need some advice on dating women with kids. I like kids, I'm just not sure what to expect about dating women with kids (I haven't dated many with kids, maybe 2 and just briefly).

 

I need some advice since it seems more common that women in their late 20s and 30s will often have kids.

 

Is this going to be tough to make work? How should I treat the kids (I would be nice of course but I'm not their father so I can't exactly act like it). Can someone in my shoes make something like this work???????????????????

 

What about just the dating logistics? You know, private time, intimate time, etc.? This sounds challenging! But there are lots of nice women with kids, so I don't want to just ignore the possibility of meeting a good one.

[Tony T]

1. "Is this going to be tough to make work?"

 

Hey, this is your very FIRST date. I mean you don't have to plan marriage at this point. But, yes, getting involved with a woman with four small children will be a major challenge for you. If she's any kind of decent mother she will be totally dedicated to those children and have little time for you or anything else.

 

Right now, she may spend extra time with you because she may very well be looking for a dad for her offspring. If that's her agenda, she will make temporary sacrifices to find time to spend seeing you. Please understand I'm only speculating so have an open mind but I wouldn't even go near there myself.

 

2. "How should I treat the kids (I would be nice of course but I'm not their father so I can't exactly act like it)."

 

Treat them just like you would any kids. Talk kindly to them and see how well they are behaved. Don't talk down to them. Kids are sharp. Treat them as adults, talk to them as adults...but remember they are children. Don't ask a lot of them. Be playful. If they act like spoiled brats, give your date a hug, go to your car and floor the gas pedal.

 

You're getting way ahead of yourself here. If she introduces you to her kids on your very first date with her, I would highly suspect she's looking for a dad for them. Women with good sense don't expose their children to men they are dating until after a period, lest the kids get attached to a man who may not be around for long. This isn't good for children.

 

Pay more attention to how SHE treats the kids and don't worry so much about how you should treat them.

 

3. "Can someone in my shoes make something like this work???????????????????"

 

Sure. And it's nice that you're open minded enough to give it a try. If you don't need an exceptional amount of attention and you really enjoy children, you may have found an ideal situation. I hope this works out for you. As a matter of fact, nice kids can be a superb source of joy and lots of fun for you to be around. See which they are.

 

Treat this whole thing as if she didn't have kids, at least at first. See how much the two of you share and how the two of you get along.

 

You will have complications down the line if you continue dating her and ultimately get serious. You'll have to negotiate a lot of fine points such as how the kids should be raised, disciplined, etc. That could get hairy unless the two of you are extremely like-minded. Let's hope that's the case. There's also the point of where their support will come from. Is their father sending paying child support? Is their father responsible?

 

Also, understand that when a woman has four children with a man, there is a very strong bond there. See just where that is. She will always have a very strong connection to that man.

 

4. "What about just the dating logistics? You know, private time, intimate time, etc.?"

 

I always think it's nice if the guy foots the bill for the babysitter. But you are right to be thinking about this. It will be tough because four kids is a tremendous responsiblity and she's not going to want to be away from them for long periods of time.

 

These are great things to talk about on your date. I mean, you have a lot to discuss. But it's so great that you're willing to be open to this experience. It could be the best thing that ever happened to you...or it could be a nightmare. It's up to you to pay attention.

 

5. "This sounds challenging! But there are lots of nice women with kids, so I don't want to just ignore the possibility of meeting a good one."

 

You are absolutely correct in every way. There are good points and negative points to this experience. But it's definitely workable. Give it a try...but don't force yourself into something if you see it will be too much of a risk for you in the longrun. Take your time, be patient, and pay a lot of attention to all aspects of this.

[velvet]

From what I have seen with my single g/f with kids is that some men get jealous and want to spend more time with their g/f without the kids. Kids are going to always be there, never any breaks. I also know people who have jumped right in with a divorced parent and four kids, and treat the kids as their very own.

 

But, dont go to bed with a single mother just becuase. Take it slow.

 

1. "Is this going to be tough to make work?" Hey, this is your very FIRST date. I mean you don't have to plan marriage at this point. But, yes, getting involved with a woman with four small children will be a major challenge for you. If she's any kind of decent mother she will be totally dedicated to those children and have little time for you or anything else. Right now, she may spend extra time with you because she may very well be looking for a dad for her offspring. If that's her agenda, she will make temporary sacrifices to find time to spend seeing you. Please understand I'm only speculating so have an open mind but I wouldn't even go near there myself. 2. "How should I treat the kids (I would be nice of course but I'm not their father so I can't exactly act like it)." Treat them just like you would any kids. Talk kindly to them and see how well they are behaved. Don't talk down to them. Kids are sharp. Treat them as adults, talk to them as adults...but remember they are children. Don't ask a lot of them. Be playful. If they act like spoiled brats, give your date a hug, go to your car and floor the gas pedal. You're getting way ahead of yourself here. If she introduces you to her kids on your very first date with her, I would highly suspect she's looking for a dad for them. Women with good sense don't expose their children to men they are dating until after a period, lest the kids get attached to a man who may not be around for long. This isn't good for children. Pay more attention to how SHE treats the kids and don't worry so much about how you should treat them. 3. "Can someone in my shoes make something like this work???????????????????" Sure. And it's nice that you're open minded enough to give it a try. If you don't need an exceptional amount of attention and you really enjoy children, you may have found an ideal situation. I hope this works out for you. As a matter of fact, nice kids can be a superb source of joy and lots of fun for you to be around. See which they are. Treat this whole thing as if she didn't have kids, at least at first. See how much the two of you share and how the two of you get along.

 

You will have complications down the line if you continue dating her and ultimately get serious. You'll have to negotiate a lot of fine points such as how the kids should be raised, disciplined, etc. That could get hairy unless the two of you are extremely like-minded. Let's hope that's the case. There's also the point of where their support will come from. Is their father sending paying child support? Is their father responsible? Also, understand that when a woman has four children with a man, there is a very strong bond there. See just where that is. She will always have a very strong connection to that man. 4. "What about just the dating logistics? You know, private time, intimate time, etc.?"

 

I always think it's nice if the guy foots the bill for the babysitter. But you are right to be thinking about this. It will be tough because four kids is a tremendous responsiblity and she's not going to want to be away from them for long periods of time. These are great things to talk about on your date. I mean, you have a lot to discuss. But it's so great that you're willing to be open to this experience. It could be the best thing that ever happened to you...or it could be a nightmare. It's up to you to pay attention. 5. "This sounds challenging! But there are lots of nice women with kids, so I don't want to just ignore the possibility of meeting a good one." You are absolutely correct in every way. There are good points and negative points to this experience. But it's definitely workable. Give it a try...but don't force yourself into something if you see it will be too much of a risk for you in the longrun. Take your time, be patient, and pay a lot of attention to all aspects of this.

 

[quankanne]

tony has a good point there, about the mom wanting to introduce you to her kids right away -- maybe she can't get a sitter, maybe she wants to be upfront in this relationship, maybe this is her litmus test. however, most single moms refuse to bring their kids into the picture until a reasonable amount of time has passed, because they're very picky about who those kids meet! At least my one sister was that way with her boys!

 

hope the date went well -- don't worry so much about dating a single parent, you'll find that many of them don't have time for the bulls*** games that often are part of the dating scene, and you may find that the kids are very much an enjoyable part of your relationship with that person!

[ok]

If she is daddy shopping, look out.

 

If she just wants to date she won't even introduce you to the kids. Not for a long time.

 

If it's a first date, just have fun, see how it goes.

 

However, if things get seriouos and you can't handle that she has all those kids, don't let it go that far.

 

Are the kids all from one father?