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Stalker mentality


mortensorchid

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I've been stalked in the past. Some guy who won't leave me alone or does something crazy. After a while, I understand the mentality of the stalker. They are lonely, dillusional, all their self worth is attached in the person they want who are not responding to them, etc.

 

Here is a question : When considering the PERSON that they are stalking, is there a certain something about the PERSON that provokes an unstable person to stalk them? You may not be a ravishing beauty, but sometimes when you are just being friendly and chatty with someone they will get an unnatural attachment to you. So should I just be paranoid and just not be friendly and chatty with others I meet? Where is the balance?

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LOL, "stalk" is a word that is used so loosely these days. There are clingy people, people who don't respect certain boundaries, and then there's the guy who posted here about being banned from a site because of his love for a celebrity or something.

 

There are two reasons people seem overly clingy or invasive... 1. they're in need of something you offer that they can't find easily at all, and 2. your definition of "clingy" or "invasive" is far more strict than their own.

 

Some people are just naturally more .... THERE than others. And some are naturally more aloof or private. Similarly, how much is too much all to often changes depending on our interest level.

 

Guy I don't like showing up at the places I frequent = stalker. Guy I like doing the same thing = cute (unless something else he does creeps me out).

 

Why people do certain things, well... unless they have mental problems, often has something to do with what you provide and less to do with you directly. So, yes, there is something about you that "crazy" people like.

 

People who end up in abusive relationship after abusive relationship. They're attracted to one another's character. She doesn't seem like she'll give me too much lip. She doesn't seem like she would be overly critical of me. She seems like she would do whatever it takes to please me. He seems very masculine. He seems authoritative. He seems like a man whose approval I would want and respect. Whatever it is, there's usually some common denominator.

 

So, depending on what these guys are doing, it could be anything from you being the first attractive women to be extra nice to them, to you seem like you're too nice to call the cops (as you should).

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I've come across a few "stalkers" in my life. Almost all of them were innocent (meaning they kept their stalking to a minimum while expressing annoying, persistent interest). These were my pseduo-stalkers.

 

But I have a current one that is a persistent fu@cker. He won't go away. We started off as friends. I was really forthcoming and nice with him...I went as far as trying to set him up with a friend and told him that he was a "great" catch. He always joked around with me (about my "attributes") and I always brushed it off or came back with a response that was all in good jest.

 

Then, we stopped talking b/c he became annoying (and we had a fallout). Since then (it's been over a year), he has been stalking me online. He'll email me nonstop about BS and asks me about my bf or our life.

 

I used to respond and tell him to bugger off. My bf has since helped me deal with him more effectively.

 

I just ignore him.

 

I also notice that it's easy to become the object of obsession when you put so much of your life online. My ex used to post pics of us (of me in particular) all over his site. Turns out there was this one girl (who I had no idea even existed) who used to frequent his site. When we broke up, she was really upset and lamented the fact that he'd no longer have "cute babies". That was mucho weird. She knew quite a bit about us (where I was going to school, what I was doing, etc) even though none of that stuff was online (I guess she figured it out or looked into it).

 

I'll admit that it's nice to be the objection of such vehement "affection" BUT I draw the line at some point. This psycho I'm currently dealing with has gotten under my skin a few times. Once he wrote me saying he had come by my house and written something and left it there. That's when I knew he was crazy.

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I've been pseudo-stalked once before - there was this guy at my hall who everyone thought was someone's younger brother because he looked about 12. When he hadn't left a good two weeks after everyone else's family had, we figured he was living there too... Turned out he was 22 and had a medical condition which stunted his growth, and also prevented him from coming to uni earlier.

So one day I notice he is in my Politics class (I barely ever went to lectures so I hadn't seen him before) and there was a spare seat next to him, so I thought 'he's probably a nice guy, who knows? and he's in my hall he'd probably appreciate some friends' so I sat next to him. We didn't even talk, except to exchange names and determine which essay question we were going to do. After class, I went home and within literally 10 minutes he was knocking on my bedroom door (he must have looked my picture and first name up in the RA's book, and found what floor I was on) with a stack of paper he printed off the internet from some website he thought was useful for our essay. I thought it was a BIT keen, accepted graciously and let it go. But he continued to follow me around, knocked on my door at 4am, one time fell asleep on the floor next to my bed when I had left the door unlocked. When I woke up I got the hugest fright and he said sorry he was just watching me sleep and dozed off. I locked the door from then on... When I started going out with a guy at the hall, he would come and listen to us have sex outside my and/or his door. One time he showed me the red dots all over his wrinkly stomach and back, and then showed me how they go blue when he gets cold. It was an odd experience because he was saying it in this 'sexual' voice. We were the only ones in the common room - up late writing essays for the politics class. Oh and one time he took me aside and told me I should break up with (boyfriend at the time) because he thought he was cheating on me with my friend. They joked around because my bf looked like Keanu Reeves and my friend had a Trinity-like outfit, and so they dressed up for a party (which I was at too). She was going out with his best mate (who was there too).

My friends were mean to him - I told them not to be because I didn't want to be a bitch, just wanted him to leave me alone! The next year, once everyone moved out of the hall, he showed up a couple of times at my house but I was flatting with a girl who he HATED (she is Catholic and he is Protestant, but she knew far more about both denominations than he did so would catch him out) so I would just get her to answer the door and tell him I wasn't there. He seems to have found a girlfriend since then I still see him around. *shudder*

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I've been pseudo-stalked once before - there was this guy at my hall who everyone thought was someone's younger brother because he looked about 12. When he hadn't left a good two weeks after everyone else's family had, we figured he was living there too... Turned out he was 22 and had a medical condition which stunted his growth, and also prevented him from coming to uni earlier.

So one day I notice he is in my Politics class (I barely ever went to lectures so I hadn't seen him before) and there was a spare seat next to him, so I thought 'he's probably a nice guy, who knows? and he's in my hall he'd probably appreciate some friends' so I sat next to him. We didn't even talk, except to exchange names and determine which essay question we were going to do. After class, I went home and within literally 10 minutes he was knocking on my bedroom door (he must have looked my picture and first name up in the RA's book, and found what floor I was on) with a stack of paper he printed off the internet from some website he thought was useful for our essay. I thought it was a BIT keen, accepted graciously and let it go. But he continued to follow me around, knocked on my door at 4am, one time fell asleep on the floor next to my bed when I had left the door unlocked. When I woke up I got the hugest fright and he said sorry he was just watching me sleep and dozed off. I locked the door from then on... When I started going out with a guy at the hall, he would come and listen to us have sex outside my and/or his door. One time he showed me the red dots all over his wrinkly stomach and back, and then showed me how they go blue when he gets cold. It was an odd experience because he was saying it in this 'sexual' voice. We were the only ones in the common room - up late writing essays for the politics class. Oh and one time he took me aside and told me I should break up with (boyfriend at the time) because he thought he was cheating on me with my friend. They joked around because my bf looked like Keanu Reeves and my friend had a Trinity-like outfit, and so they dressed up for a party (which I was at too). She was going out with his best mate (who was there too).

My friends were mean to him - I told them not to be because I didn't want to be a bitch, just wanted him to leave me alone! The next year, once everyone moved out of the hall, he showed up a couple of times at my house but I was flatting with a girl who he HATED (she is Catholic and he is Protestant, but she knew far more about both denominations than he did so would catch him out) so I would just get her to answer the door and tell him I wasn't there. He seems to have found a girlfriend since then I still see him around. *shudder*

 

He fell asleep on your floor after watching you sleep?

 

Now THAT is stalking.

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I still say... that's when you call the cops! People get away with stuff like this because other people are too nice and don't want to cause problems to the stalker. The thing is, you never know how far the person will go, and... if the person never learns how not-OK the behavior is, they might do it over and over again to other nice people.

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As a proffesional stalker of many women I like to swing by the myspace& facebook page download all the hot pictures memorize the likes and dislikes and figure out where they work when they have classes I also hope to stalk all of you ladies on this site and if you send me some links to nudes of you that could really hasen the selection process on my end

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I still say... that's when you call the cops! People get away with stuff like this because other people are too nice and don't want to cause problems to the stalker. The thing is, you never know how far the person will go, and... if the person never learns how not-OK the behavior is, they might do it over and over again to other nice people.

 

I've seriously considered reporting my stalker. He stands to lose his professional license (they will TOTALLY discipline him for his BS) as I have documented proof of all his BS.

 

Still, I don't want to take someone down like that. I tell myself that he'd never hurt me, so whatever.

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I still say... that's when you call the cops! People get away with stuff like this because other people are too nice and don't want to cause problems to the stalker. The thing is, you never know how far the person will go, and... if the person never learns how not-OK the behavior is, they might do it over and over again to other nice people.

 

or is it that people are to nice and thats why they have these lame little stalkers who arnt stalkers at all

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He fell asleep on your floor after watching you sleep?

 

Now THAT is stalking.

 

 

It is marginally better than it sounds, but only because we all used to sleep in each other's rooms all the time (not including him, just my friends and I), sometimes we would have six on a tiny smaller-than-single bed. Not sexual in the least, just to see if we could... He knew about this, so he may have just assumed it was the norm. But yeah, I was pretty creeped out for ages and asked my mates to yell through the door who it was and not to just knock so I would know it wasn't him...

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It is marginally better than it sounds, but only because we all used to sleep in each other's rooms all the time (not including him, just my friends and I), sometimes we would have six on a tiny smaller-than-single bed. Not sexual in the least, just to see if we could... He knew about this, so he may have just assumed it was the norm. But yeah, I was pretty creeped out for ages and asked my mates to yell through the door who it was and not to just knock so I would know it wasn't him...

 

I would've beaten him if I awoke in the middle of the night to find a strange guy on my floor (as a reflex of course).

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Unfortunately, when you report sh*t like this, it only gets worse. Someone who wants to be around you but is told they can't be due to some silly piece of paper (a restraining order) will only become incensed... Be careful.

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or is it that people are to nice and thats why they have these lame little stalkers who arnt stalkers at all

 

Yes. I think I said that... up top. How many beers have YOU had tonight, sir? How'bout you post a link to your nudes instead, and we can find a nice stalker for you. I think you're the kind of guy who would appreciate one.

 

"This girl! I don't know what it is about me, but the women just won't leave me alone!"

 

You know you want to...

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Yes. I think I said that... up top. How many beers have YOU had tonight, sir? How'bout you post a link to your nudes instead, and we can find a nice stalker for you. I think you're the kind of guy who would appreciate one.

 

"This girl! I don't know what it is about me, but the women just won't leave me alone!"

 

You know you want to...

 

I got confused is that a quote from a movie or game? And I read your post above very good but not what you were saying in the post I quoted you. I wouldn't have a stalker because I'm a man who has balls. They have no balls so they can get in certain situations where they don't want to be mean or what ever. I mean most of these girls stories are about guys who anoyed them not real stalkers... like an exhusband who is comming after you

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Unfortunately, when you report sh*t like this, it only gets worse. Someone who wants to be around you but is told they can't be due to some silly piece of paper (a restraining order) will only become incensed... Be careful.

 

This is true depending on the situation. Which is why you join the NRA. :) For some, having the cops called on them might be a wake-up call. The .45 is for those who don't, as I would never leave my life to the hands of a restraining order.

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This is true depending on the situation. Which is why you join the NRA. :) For some, having the cops called on them might be a wake-up call. The .45 is for those who don't, as I would never leave my life to the hands of a restraining order.

 

I so would get a license to carry/own a gun.

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I got confused is that a quote from a movie or game? And I read your post above very good but not what you were saying in the post I quoted you. I wouldn't have a stalker because I'm a man who has balls. They have no balls so they can get in certain situations where they don't want to be mean or what ever. I mean most of these girls stories are about guys who anoyed them not real stalkers... like an exhusband who is comming after you

 

You got confused? Now I am too!

 

But yeah, there is a line between weird and stalking that just isn't thick enough, IMO. Met a nice guy (thought out at a bar) years ago, hot European guy from some country I don't remember. Confident, a little cocky, great conversation too.... Riiiiiight up till he showed me the wounds from when he tried to commit suicide so that his ex girlfriend would feel sorry for him and come back.

 

I prayed that he would lose my number from all the beer, and be too in love with her still to worry about me. WRONG! Unfortunately for me, he was way too cool and suave (before True Confessions) and I told him which train I take downtown, including my stops.

 

He called a few times, and didn't freak me out at all. I wouldn't go out with him, so one day when he just so happened to be in the area, asking if he could stop by, I told him sure just so I could tell him to go away nicely. I told him what I disliked, and he said he UNDERSTOOD. But that only led to him being on my train... and me walking swiftly to another car, pretending that I didn't see him, and then him calling me to ask why I didn't speak to him. It got worse and worse!

 

The threatening phone call, littered with profanity, when I never once went out with him... didn't even invite him INTO my home when I allowed him to stop by that one time, was truly insane. It's part of the reason we tend to be too fearful to be direct about such things. However, this is why man invited 911, and god invited handguns.

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It doesn't take much for some guys to become cyberstalkers. Swap a few friendly emails or private messages with them on a site, chat a few times and look out, when you've done this with the wrong guys.

 

While it's never happened on LS, it's happened on a few other sites. It's why I never, ever give out my address to anyone online. Even if I've met them in real life, like through a few clubs I belong to (no, nothing romantic), they have no idea where I live.

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Unfortunately, when you report sh*t like this, it only gets worse. Someone who wants to be around you but is told they can't be due to some silly piece of paper (a restraining order) will only become incensed... Be careful.

 

I knew I shouldn't have filed that report on you, SG. That explains it! :laugh:

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My ex called me a stalker, but I thought I was just too clingy. I really think it does depend on the person's perspective.

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LOL, "stalk" is a word that is used so loosely these days. There are clingy people, people who don't respect certain boundaries, and then there's the guy who posted here about being banned from a site because of his love for a celebrity or something.

 

There are two reasons people seem overly clingy or invasive... 1. they're in need of something you offer that they can't find easily at all, and 2. your definition of "clingy" or "invasive" is far more strict than their own.

 

Some people are just naturally more .... THERE than others. And some are naturally more aloof or private. Similarly, how much is too much all to often changes depending on our interest level.

 

Guy I don't like showing up at the places I frequent = stalker. Guy I like doing the same thing = cute (unless something else he does creeps me out).

 

Why people do certain things, well... unless they have mental problems, often has something to do with what you provide and less to do with you directly. So, yes, there is something about you that "crazy" people like.

 

People who end up in abusive relationship after abusive relationship. They're attracted to one another's character. She doesn't seem like she'll give me too much lip. She doesn't seem like she would be overly critical of me. She seems like she would do whatever it takes to please me. He seems very masculine. He seems authoritative. He seems like a man whose approval I would want and respect. Whatever it is, there's usually some common denominator.

 

So, depending on what these guys are doing, it could be anything from you being the first attractive women to be extra nice to them, to you seem like you're too nice to call the cops (as you should).

 

Yeah, it's a term that is OVER-used/Mis-used, sometimes by women who LIKE the attention of said "stalker".

 

Sometimes I hear how women say, casually...."yeah, I have this stalker" and laugh/giggle about it.

 

To them, it's merely a guy who has a simple crush on them and nothing more. It's a term they have been using to flatter themselves with.....and NOT the Stalker that terrorizes them throughout their entire life.

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I had a stalker....but I never laughed about it. For all I know he could be waiting until the 5 year protection order is up and then he may come back. I've learned to push the situation far back in my mind, so I don't think about it on a daily basis.

 

We dated for 8 months, I broke it off because he was a drunk and too controlling, and he continued to follow me, call me and send me letters in the mail for 2 years after that. I went to the police numerous times, they called him and told him to stop, but that didn't bother him at all.

 

I finally had him arrested when I saw him sitting in his car in a parking lot across the street from where I work. Thankfully for me, I had gone to the police 2 days earlier and filed a complaint, and since this was 'two incidents closely related to each other', they arrested him and charged him with menacing by stalking.

 

After a year of being in and out of court because of this, I finally gave up and let him plea to a lesser charge. I could not describe how it made me feel to show up at court and have him staring at me. People would tell me 'Oh, don't worry, you're in a courthouse, he won't do anything here', but that wasn't the point. It was him getting the chance to stare at me again that creeped me out.

 

So yes, the word 'stalker' IS used loosely these days, which makes it harder for the real people being stalked to have a chance at fending for themselves in court.

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I've got another take on the "stalker" phenomena. I was engaged to a girl who left me a month before our wedding. She was quickly with someone else while I was absolutely devestated for over a year. As part of my healing process I really wanted to talk to her about certain things, but she coldly refused to talk to me. I never threatened her or was particularly mean to her, and felt that I respected her requests for me to back off.

 

I felt it was very cruel of her to refuse to talk to me, and really wanted to somehow try to "force" her to talk by some kind of stalkerish behavior. I never actually did this, mind you. But I can certainly understand how some people would in a similar situation. And I feel like in situations like this people may give too much sympathy to the "victim" of stalking and not enough understanding to why the other person would do those things. I'm sure it's easier and more pleasant, but is it really fair for a person to just walk away and leave the other person bleeding, if they can help by a _reasonable_ level of communication, like a couple of phone calls over a period of months?

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I've got another take on the "stalker" phenomena. I was engaged to a girl who left me a month before our wedding. She was quickly with someone else while I was absolutely devestated for over a year. As part of my healing process I really wanted to talk to her about certain things, but she coldly refused to talk to me. I never threatened her or was particularly mean to her, and felt that I respected her requests for me to back off.

 

I felt it was very cruel of her to refuse to talk to me, and really wanted to somehow try to "force" her to talk by some kind of stalkerish behavior. I never actually did this, mind you. But I can certainly understand how some people would in a similar situation. And I feel like in situations like this people may give too much sympathy to the "victim" of stalking and not enough understanding to why the other person would do those things. I'm sure it's easier and more pleasant, but is it really fair for a person to just walk away and leave the other person bleeding, if they can help by a _reasonable_ level of communication, like a couple of phone calls over a period of months?

 

This is a little different I think. Someone I was in a relationship with went very stalkerISH on me, and he actually did a little "stalking"... according to the dictionary definition. But he was a pussy cat to me. He was looking for answers that I wasn't kind enough to give him, because I didn't understand why he was so hurt. (And I was rather young at the time too.) My family was ready to have a talk with this guy, but I wouldn't tell them how to reach them (and went so far as to delete and erase his info, as I thought they might do something sneaky).

 

THOSE situations, where the person is just looking for closure, and the person is just hurting, I can have sympathy for. And I've indulged such things before.

 

I dunno, maybe I just drive men crazy. LOL, but seriously that's a terrible thing to have to deal with, and if you did bug the hell out of her looking for closure, it would be understandable. I wasn't anywhere near married to this guy. but I ONCE bugged the hell out of bf while looking for closure. He was coming to my hang out ... WATCHING ME but not taking my calls. This was supposedly still my boyfriend. When I saw him, every time, I would ignore him at first, then go ask him if he wants this thing to end or not, as he was acting weird. Swore he didn't. I didn't know what went wrong, and was pissed that he would explain how things when from 7th Heaven to the Depths of Hell. But I got him goooooooood. He thought I cheated on him, and was planning a little pay back. I figured what was up, and decided I should have the last laugh. What was bugging me was the dishonesty, and the plotting of course. He's telling me "nothings wrong", but he's not taking my calls.... just "popping up" where I was every weekend. I just couldn't let him go, till I ended things in a very ugly way.

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