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How to react when a guy seems to be losing interest?


Gottabestrong

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Gottabestrong

If a guy you like and have been dating for a few weeks starts calling a lot less (once a week instead of 3-4 times) and only replies to your messages days later how should you react? I figure I got 2 options:

 

1) Don't contact him anymore and see if he will get in touch again, even if he was the one to write last.

 

2) Reply to his messages at about the same intervalls as he does and play it cool.

 

Thanks for your replies.

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What caused the losing interests?

 

Give more info please.

 

Did he call 3-4 times a week only to get one return call from you? It could be just that people lose interests and it is time to just move on. It could be almost anything.

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I think you should pull back and go "no contact" with him. If you have only dated a few weeks he may be dating someone else also. Did you have sex with him yet?

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If a guy you like and have been dating for a few weeks starts calling a lot less (once a week instead of 3-4 times) and only replies to your messages days later how should you react? I figure I got 2 options:

 

1) Don't contact him anymore and see if he will get in touch again, even if he was the one to write last.

 

2) Reply to his messages at about the same intervalls as he does and play it cool.

 

Thanks for your replies.

 

I think you should mirror his behaviour, so number two.

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Gottabestrong
What caused the losing interests?

 

Give more info please.

 

Did he call 3-4 times a week only to get one return call from you? It could be just that people lose interests and it is time to just move on. It could be almost anything.

 

I don't know what caused his losing interest. 2 weeks ago I did not hear from him for 4 days and when I called him he said he had sent me an email, which apparently did not arrive. I thought everything was fine, but I sent him an email last friday and he only replied on tuesday without answering any of my questions or asking me anything.

 

So now I don't know what to do. Should I contact him again even though it would be his turn to initiate contact and he just doesn't seem that interested anymore, or should I let it be and wait to see if he will call me again.

 

Oh, and I always returned his calls, but due to our frequent calls and messages you could not really say who initiated them. One of us was always calling back the other one.

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Doesn't sound good. I would point blank ask him if he thinks things are over. Tell him that you've noticed the drop off in calls and overall attentiveness.

 

Afterall, you two have been sleeping together. I do think he owes you the respect of communication.

 

He doesn't have to give it to you, but you will know after you ask him. If he doesn't respond or fails to change his behavior, you've got your answer. It's over and he's a big wimp who won't tell you.

 

If he quickly changes things by calling you more often and being more responsive, then he wants to be together.

 

If he doesn't change his behavior, then you can move on knowing it's done and you don't have to say another word to him. You'll know you did the right thing by communicating to him before cutting things off.

 

It would be hard for me to go away quietly into the night. I wouldn't make it so easy on him. If he wants things to be done, then he would probably prefer to have you just fade away so he wouldn't have to deal with a break up.

 

That says a lot about his character, or lack thereof.

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I would move on, not even bothering to return his late response. He's given you no courtesy so you don't need to be courteous.

 

Since the two of you were just dating and not in an exclusive relationship, start dating others.

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You do nothing at all that's what.

 

You don't panic, you don't overcompensate for his withdrawl, you certainly don't chase him and initate contact with him when he is not responding, basically you don't chase let him come back to you when he is read IF he is read. But you don't sit around waiting either. Get on with your life, you just started dating this guy and men somtimes get really intimate with a girl soon and suddenly feel a need to withdraw to recalibrate it's normal, it is how guys are wired sometimes. OR it could just mean he lost interest, confronting him is not going to make him get any closer to you or even going to offer you the truth.

 

 

Now if you keep your cool and this goes on for X amount of time (you decide how long you want to give him) then there is your answer, it more than likely means he is not coming back. Then you can confront him and ask him what happened.

 

Look you've only been dating a few weeks just because you slept together it doesn't mean you are now in a relationship. Though being intimate to you may mean you are exclusive to him it may not. Next time maybe wait a little longer before you get intimate with a guy and get to know him more on an emotional level and cement a stronger foundation so that when you do sleep together you don't have to play guessing games.

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Gottabestrong

Thank you all for your replies guys!

 

I basically agree with what most of you are saying (don't reply and move on), but it is hard not to second-guess myself as I really like him and thought everything was going great.

 

Today it has been 7 days since I last contacted him and it is a stuggle every day not to call, but I hope it will get easier with time. When I get weak in my resolve I will just come back here and read your advice and hopefully that will help me stay strong.

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The minute you start gaming or playing someone else's games, is the minute you lose because it's not what you really want.

 

When the other party starts the withdrawal games and you withdraw just to reel them back, it only hurts you. This is why it's key to start uninvesting, dating around, because people who play games while dating aren't really invested or at least as invested as you are. I doubt you want imbalanced interactions since all it does is erode on your sense of security, which can cause you to hold on tighter/cling.

 

Hopefully that makes sense. :)

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CommitmentPhobe
Doesn't sound good. I would point blank ask him if he thinks things are over. Tell him that you've noticed the drop off in calls and overall attentiveness.

 

Afterall, you two have been sleeping together. I do think he owes you the respect of communication.

 

I have to agree with this. I think you should confront it so you know where you stand. If he flat out dodges then you have every right to move on.

 

There could be 1001 reasons he's not contacting you right now, if you confront this you'll find it easier to drop contact if it should come to that. 7 days is pretty ridiculous.

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Gottabestrong

When the other party starts the withdrawal games and you withdraw just to reel them back, it only hurts you.

Hopefully that makes sense. :)

 

I am not sure :o. Are you saying I should not withdraw just because he is withdrawing?

 

And I know, it would be good to date other people, but unfortunately it is not like I have got all these options. I have been single for 4 years now and even though I have been trying to go out and meet new people, I have been on maybe 4 dates in the last year besides him.

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I am not sure :o. Are you saying I should not withdraw just because he is withdrawing?

 

And I know, it would be good to date other people, but unfortunately it is not like I have got all these options. I have been single for 4 years now and even though I have been trying to go out and meet new people, I have been on maybe 4 dates in the last year besides him.

In a way yes. Instead of withdrawing just to react to his withdrawal, in other words play his game with the hopes you'll reel back his interest, try to completely disconnect aka uninvest, by refocusing on your life, dating others, hanging out with friends, getting back into the social scene in some way. Some would call this semantics but to me, the difference in attitude towards how you approach this, can only be positive to you, as a self-reliant individual.

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I am not sure :o. Are you saying I should not withdraw just because he is withdrawing?

 

Withdraw because you already know he's not the kind of guy you want to be dating, not to try to reel him back in but to let him go. Will it really make you feel good to know that the only reason he might start contacting you again is because you dropped your pursuit? Don't you want someone who contacts you because he wants to see you, talk to you, be with you? And if he wanted that, you wouldn't be posting here, right?

 

As TBF said, it's an important difference in your way of thinking.

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Gottabestrong
You'll know you did the right thing by communicating to him before cutting things off.

 

It would be hard for me to go away quietly into the night. I wouldn't make it so easy on him. If he wants things to be done, then he would probably prefer to have you just fade away so he wouldn't have to deal with a break up.

 

 

Hi Nicki,

thanks for your reply. And you are right, it would be hard for me to go quietly into the night without at least talking to him one last time. After all we have been dating since June, and while it is not a life time, it was enough time for me to get attached to him and think about a joint future.

 

So I think I want to wait a little bit longer to see whether he gets in touch with me again by himself before I call him one last time. I just don't know how long I should wait for that. If I wait two or three weeks it probably doesn't make any sense to contact him at all, as it would be awkward to ask him after such a long time what's going on. I know he's got the weekend off, so he can't claim to be busy, do you think it is a good idea to wait until monday and then give him a call?

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Jersey Shortie

I've had a similar experience lately. I really liked the guy but he seems to be loosing interest. I know he isn't that confident in himself, I know at one point he was intersted in me from the way he acted and what his friends would say, but he never took it to the next level. We barely even got off the ground. I can't figure out if it's because he rather be friends (we still contact each other but its less frequently and plan on seeing each other at afootball game in a few weeks), if he isn't interested anymore, of feels like he lost the oppurtunity to take it to the next level. I don't know. It made me a little sad. I know his ex girlfriend was the one to ask him out and she ended up cheating on him. Which made him really gun shy. I also know that he hadn't dated anyone longer then 4 months. I don't know what his deal is. But I did like him more then just friends and now I don't know how to get it back on track.

 

I guess I will take the same advice givin to Gottabestrong. But just so you know Gottabe, you aren't the only chick in this boat.

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Gottabestrong

 

I guess I will take the same advice givin to Gottabestrong. But just so you know Gottabe, you aren't the only chick in this boat.

 

Hi Jersey,

thanks for your post and sorry you are in the same boat. Hope things turn out well for you!

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So he has this weekend off and hasn't called to make plans? Hmm, that says something, doesn't it?

 

I would wait a few more days and then contact him after the weekend passes.

 

When you call him you could start the conversation with the fact you noticed you two aren't spending your free time together.

 

Ask him what he thinks of the two of you moving forward....but really, it doesn't look good...unless it's just going to stay a casual thing and you are okay with that (but don't lie to yourself and settle for that if you want more.)

 

I agree, if you wait too long then what's the point of calling him to ask what's up. It will be more than obvious anyway.)

 

As the other posters have said, don't go no contact on him to play games, but do it in order to serve YOUR best interests, as in to protect yourself and to help you detach and to gain perspective as to what's going on.

 

You are the one deciding what YOU want to do. Even if he has walked away, it's your choice whether or not to chase him (don't!), to settle for a sexual relationship only, to even stay in contact with him, or to say "Your loss. See ya!" and never ever take another one of his calls.

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I don't see any reason to contact this guy again at all. He hasn't contacted you in 7 days, has the weekend off but hasn't called to see or talk to you, and is being totally unresponsive to you. I think you have your answer and there's no need to call him again. You guys have only been seeing each other for 2 months and I guess it was not what he wanted or he would show more interest. I know you probably want closure from this but sometimes you have to give yourself the closure because you can't rely on people to be honest.

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