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Does he want to continue seeing me? If so, as friends, or more?


Star Gazer

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This probably belongs in another section, but I feel that I'd be best served in keeping it in the "Dating" section so as to keep the focus on how to better my "dating" skills. :) I've received some fantastic support via PM, but thought I'd open it up for public discussion. Who knows who else this may help.

 

Anyway, long story (with a lot of mixed signals) short: I liked a guy. He obviously liked me too...at least in the beginning. We had 5 dates over a month (which seems like not a lot, but given our schedules, it was the best we could do). Over time, I felt like he was pulling away (which he may or may not have been, I'm just hyper sensitive, so I'll never know!), and I started getting irritated by what I perceived to be mixed signals. In in response, I found myself chasing a little...I think I was trying to force his hand so I could see what was up sooner than later. He told me that I lacked patience, and he couldn't be more right. That's something I definitely need to work on.

 

Ultimately, prior to a date on Friday at his house he unceremoniously told me that he's "just not feeling it" and doesn't want to lead me on. While I appreciated the honesty, hearing that really hurt. What does "not feeling it" mean, anyway? That there's no *spark*? That I've done something to irritate him? This statement has made me question what I did wrong (if anything), what other factors are at play, etc.

 

After he told me he "wasn't feeling it," we spoke about his feelings why. As a result, we clarified a miscommunication wherein he thought I was mad at him regarding the slow pace at which we've been moving physically. I wasn't mad, but I can see why he'd think that... miscommunication for sure, but my lack of patience probably didn't help things. :o

 

He has since modified his statement by saying he "just wasn't feeling it" (notice the past tense [no longer "isn't"], and was referencing that specific moment of miscommunication), and said he is "all about continuing to hang out and get to know one another."

 

I like him enough to really want to continue hanging out and getting to know each other (he is a good guy, we have many similar interests, etc.), but at this point I don't know whether he wants to continue hanging out strictly as friends, or with romantic intention over time. I'd honestly be okay with either one, I just want to know so I know how to conduct myself (flirt, not flirt, etc.)...but don't want to force the issue by asking specifically what he had in mind.

 

I'm keeping myself busy (with activities, outings with friends, and other dates), but I still feel rejected and kinda bummed. We haven't had any contact since Friday afternoon. I wonder if I'll ever hear from him at all.

 

Others have said this guy is damaged, emotionally unavailable, not invested, etc., all which may or may not be true. But I can't help but feel a little responsible for pushing him away as well.

 

I don't really have a question... I'm just rambling. Any thoughts in response?

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Hi, Star! I hope you're feeling a bit better today with all this.

 

You know we've hashed this out in PM, but for the public record, here are my thoughts:

 

1 - he wasn't "feeling it" is not a bad thing. Who wants a guy hanging around longer than necessary who's not legitimately interested?

2 - from the get-go this guy gave all the signs of NOT being LTR material. I really urge you to go back and retread this.

3 - you do have an issue with being too forward with men, IMO. You are a ballsy, no-nonsense *broad*, if you will, which I love, and relate to. However, I think when it comes to dating, softening things a bit, playing a little more hard to get and letting HIM make the moves may yield you some better results.

 

Did you actions contribute to the demise? Possibly only hastened the outcome, but I think it was destined to go this way regardless. At the end, he told you he did not view you as a romantic prospect. So, why hang on to a crumb of a friendship with someone who has dismissed you so? :(

 

Im summation - I think the take-away continues to be learning when to get out. I think you stayed too long with the soldier guy PAST the point of him telling you it was over, WAY WAY too long with the alcoholic, and now hoping to continue to remain in contact with this guy.

 

I know you do this to minimize the rejection, but at what cost to your own esteem?

 

Who cares what this guy thinks? Your value and worth are SO not tied up in his opinion or desire to date you. Of course, IMO, if you cut him off as soon as he started that crap about feeling smothered, then this would have been avoided. You don't do yourself any good by trying to force round pegs into square holes.

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What does "not feeling it" mean, anyway?
I've used that line myself and it always meant one thing: I didn't have romantic feelings for her, never would, and there was nothing she could do to change it.
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I've used that line myself and it always meant one thing: I didn't have romantic feelings for her, never would, and there was nothing she could do to change it.

 

You mean that you LOST romantic feelings for her, right? This guy definitely HAD romantic feelings at one point.

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Hi, Star! I hope you're feeling a bit better today with all this.

 

I'm definitely better than I was yesterday and Friday! :) Thanks again for all your help, JB. I keep re-reading everything you've said....

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I'm definitely better than I was yesterday and Friday! :) Thanks again for all your help, JB. I keep re-reading everything you've said....

 

You're welcome, sweetie, and you're doing great. Just continue to work through it, and by this time next week, you'll be back to your old self. :)

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If you went out with a guy only a few times over the course of a month, and he didn't want to be physical, then says "i am not feeling it", that means he never had romantic feelings.

 

If a man says "I am not feeling it anymore" after 30 years of marriage, then it is quite possible that he had romantic feelings in the past.

 

He went out with you 5 times, so obviously he felt you were attractive.

 

I would have to guess that you did something to turn him off , or their is something in your personality he did not like. So he went on 5 dates hoping to see that maybe it would change.

 

It would be a waste of time to try and be friends with him, and I don't think he really wants that. When you are breaking up with a woman, or telling her you are not interested, you feel bad and sometimes say things that sound gentle, but are not to be taken literally.

 

I don't feel he needs to be bashed, or their is anything really wrong with him. When a woman's friends always place the blame on the man out of sympathy, sometimes things you might be doing poorly, or incorrectly, are missed.

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Ah I'm sorry SG!

 

My advice: if he's not feeling it - why keep him in your life, even as a friend?

 

I know you've got a big heart and you're a strong girl who can handle friendships with wishy-washy guys - but really, you deserve better: better friends and, certainly, better romance.

 

Somewhat related anecdote: this weekend I was out at a party, saying my romantic life was desertic when a girl I hardly knew blurted out: "but didn't you break up with Dude? I guess he's still into you"

Dude (a local hottie) and I dated briedly last summer and we broke things off (completely) because 1)he wasn't "feeling it" and 2) I wasn't into being with someone who wasn't feeling it. It never crossed my mind to keep him as a friend (even though he did say the usual : "I still want to hang out" line)

I believe now what I believe then: the most dignified thing to do is to exit the relationship completely. You will find someone who feels it.

 

 

 

I'd be curious to know how your date ended up being at his place...

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If you went out with a guy only a few times over the course of a month, and he didn't want to be physical, then says "i am not feeling it", that means he never had romantic feelings.

 

If a man says "I am not feeling it anymore" after 30 years of marriage, then it is quite possible that he had romantic feelings in the past.

 

He went out with you 5 times, so obviously he felt you were attractive.

 

Interesting. I didn't realize there was such a strong difference between finding someone attractive and having the qualities you're looking for on the one hand, and romantic feelings on the other. IME, romantic feelings are basically feelings of friendship with physical attraction thrown into the mix. Can you explain the difference better?

 

I would have to guess that you did something to turn him off , or their is something in your personality he did not like. So he went on 5 dates hoping to see that maybe it would change.

 

And I'd bet you're right: my patience. When it's obvious that someone is into me, I'm the most patient person in the world. When I feel like I *might* be getting mixed signals or dicked around, I tend to push the issue...which probably irritates someone like him. If I hadn't received mixed signals to begin with, my issues with patience would have never come into play.

 

It would be a waste of time to try and be friends with him, and I don't think he really wants that. When you are breaking up with a woman, or telling her you are not interested, you feel bad and sometimes say things that sound gentle, but are not to be taken literally.

 

I responded to him by saying essentially, "Okay, I understand." (Although I didn't.) I didn't let on that I was hurt, at all. He then volunteered that he still wanted to hang out. Wasn't necessary, even to make himself feel better, which makes me wonder whether it was sincere. I've been broken up with before and truly had the guy try pretty hard to maintain a friendship.

 

I don't feel he needs to be bashed, or their is anything really wrong with him. When a woman's friends always place the blame on the man out of sympathy, sometimes things you might be doing poorly, or incorrectly, are missed.

 

True. But in this case, it truly is a two-way street. He's no innocent.

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You know my thoughts on this Star. He strikes me as someone who isn't ready for a relationship, if he scares off that easy.

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You mean that you LOST romantic feelings for her, right? This guy definitely HAD romantic feelings at one point.

No. I mean I was lukewarm from the gitgo. When I realized I wasn't going to become any more interested in her, I'd simply tell her I "wasn't feeling it." If I'm highly interested in a woman, I'm not going tell her I'm "not feeling it" unless she drops a bomb on me, like she's on parole, she's a satanist, or something like that.

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I do not think if you exhibited more patience it would have worked with this particular individual anyway. It is normal to be impatient if you are with someone who you know might be playing games, sending mixed signals, etc.

 

For me, a big turn off is argumentative, bossy, or overly sarcastic women. Or pushy women. Women calling to set dates, saying where we should go etc. So even if she is very attractive, I just cannot be very interested in that type of woman. Even if she has only one of those traits, I am turned off quickly.However, I would not go on 5 dates with this person, as I can usually tell quickly.

 

Maybe he found something in your personality he did not like (maybe you were a little pushy?) and that turned him off. However, if he was very interested, he would not have acted in a way that made you become pushy,

 

Having said all that I still believe the most important thing in a potential girlfreind,(or boyfriend) is her wanting to be in a relationship. I have found many of the online daters might feel way too relaxed about relationships, because it is so easy and comfortable, to meet new people. Sometimes just enough social needs are met online, that a relationship is not of that much importance to some.

 

For me, romantic feelings have nothing to do with her qualities,or being friends, as it is just an unexplainable feeling and desire to be with that person. I typically know if that exists within minutes.

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Your situation sounds a lot like mine was not too long ago.

 

I can only guess that either he doesn’t see long term potential with you, he doesn’t know yet how he feels about you, he’s dating someone else/interested in someone else, etc.

 

If he said “he’s all about continuing to hang out and get to know one another" then he's keeping possibilties open at this point.

 

So either he's still on the fence about you, still on the fence about someone else while dating you OR he is keeping his options open period.

 

Yeah, mixed signals alright.

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StartingOver07
Interesting. I didn't realize there was such a strong difference between finding someone attractive and having the qualities you're looking for on the one hand, and romantic feelings on the other. IME, romantic feelings are basically feelings of friendship with physical attraction thrown into the mix. Can you explain the difference better?

 

There is a difference between finding someone attractive -- which could mean just wanting sex and/or a casual relationship (fun right now) versus having romantic feelings, which can imply a long-term or permanent relationship.

 

I don't think anyone here can do the post-mortem you are asking for. What I do feel very strongly about is that it should not be this difficult. When you meet a guy who is genuinely interested and you are interested back, it should flow. Your relationships seem to be marked by a lack of flow. I am not sure whether you are picking the wrong guys or if you do something to sabotage the r/s, but it strikes me that your realtionships are way more work than they should be. The whole point of being with someone else is that it should be fun!

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likestolaugh
Your situation sounds a lot like mine was not too long ago.

 

I can only guess that either he doesn’t see long term potential with you, he doesn’t know yet how he feels about you, he’s dating someone else/interested in someone else, etc.

 

If he said “he’s all about continuing to hang out and get to know one another" then he's keeping possibilties open at this point.

 

So either he's still on the fence about you, still on the fence about someone else while dating you OR he is keeping his options open period.

 

Yeah, mixed signals alright.

 

 

heyo! and it sounds kinda like mine as well... except I'm the guy. Which apparently makes things harder to change? I dunno, but speaking as a guy, all I can say is that most guys are open to changing their minds about a girl, given time. Or, put another way, the "friendzone" is a lot more flexible...

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heyo! and it sounds kinda like mine as well... except I'm the guy. Which apparently makes things harder to change? I dunno, but speaking as a guy, all I can say is that most guys are open to changing their minds about a girl, given time. Or, put another way, the "friendzone" is a lot more flexible...

 

L2L, if your still not "feeling it" towards the girl from your current situation, then you never will. You remind me of the guy from my situation, I remember on our very first date where it took him 2 hours to decide what he wanted to eat...

 

Ok, I'm exagerating more like 20 minutes but you get my point!

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likestolaugh
L2L, if your still not "feeling it" towards the girl from your current situation, then you never will. You remind me of the guy from my situation, I remember on our very first date where it took him 2 hours to decide what he wanted to eat...

 

Ok, I'm exagerating more like 20 minutes but you get my point!

 

 

I don't really agree... people can grow on you over time. This is what happened to me. I was only feeling her personality right away... but she became more attractive physically in my eyes the more I got to know her.

 

damn! 20 minutes... did he get the "glare of doom" from your waiter lol?

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I don't really agree... people can grow on you over time. This is what happened to me. I was only feeling her personality right away... but she became more attractive physically in my eyes the more I got to know her.

 

Oh you mean she grew on you like fungus? That's so lovely.

 

damn! 20 minutes... did he get the "glare of doom" from your waiter lol?

 

Possibly. Although my first thought of him when he did that was perplexing. You know, being it's just food and all....;)

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Is there much difference between having someone grow on you, and settling?

 

True, no one likes to think of themselves as a piece of fungus.

 

I certainly wouldn't want to settle for a wart that grew on my back. :o:D

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I don't see a reason to hang out and be friends. Whatever words are used telling someone "you aren't feeling it" means they don't want a relationship with you. Do you want to hear about other girls he is dating and having sex with? Would you be comfortable with being his wing-women?

 

I would tell him friends is fine and then never see or call him again.

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I totally agree with what JB said at the beginning of this post - except I don't know about this guy's character so I kinda missed that part. I didn't get the impression there was anything in particular wrong with him, he just wasn't feelin' it.

 

Whatever the exact translation of 'I'm not feeling it anymore' is, a guy who is really nuts over you would never spill these words out of his mouth because he knows it's a death-sentence, and really hard to take back. I know it's disappointing and if you feel you personally did something to turn him off, then that's a good thing to look at.

 

Men do not like any form of control or pushiness...and apparently satanism. hee! hee! But seriously, I think it would even be an affront to your self-esteem to hang out with him now. Just tell him you're busy if he invites you somewhere.

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likestolaugh
True, no one likes to think of themselves as a piece of fungus.

 

I certainly wouldn't want to settle for a wart that grew on my back. :o:D

 

 

well, fungus in the best possible way... :D all I'm saying is that it's not always just "settling"... it's realizing something about someone that you hadn't really considered before. I know someone who's been in a relationship for 5 years... he would NEVER have even considered this girl at first... it took him a year to realize it. They're perfect for each other.

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