Lost

[Chelle]

I have been seeing a wonderful man for almost a year now. When we started out he had just broke up with a woman that he had been with for about 3 years. She passed away about 3 months after he left and he feels guilty. I know that he cares about me, because he has said so and has done little unexpected things to show it. The only problem I have is that he keeps telling me that he is not ready for a real relationship but when he is that I will be the one. I wasted 10 years of my life loving a man that never loved me back and I really don't want to go through that again. Should I give up or just hang in there?

[Tony T]

It doesn't look like you have any good reasons to hang in there with him. If you want to continue dating him, fine. But if I were you I would continue to look for someone who doesn't have to wait until some future time to be able to consider devoting himself to you.

 

You met this man and started seeing him at the wrong time. Dating someone who is just out of a relationship is not a cool thing to do. The problem was compounded by her death and his guilt (as if he was responsible for her death).

 

I think this guy has either got a lot of head problems or is jerking you around. You really don't need either.

 

If you're ready for a "real" relationship (as opposed to a "pretend" relationship???) and he's not, why would you even have to ask if you should hang around?

 

Go find you a guy with his head screwed on right and please try not to make this kind of mistake again.

[Miss Mojo]

hi chelle,

 

sounds to me like he is still grieving. grief isn't something that we can put a time span on. some people tackle their grief head-on and are able to accept (for want of a better word) their loss, while others struggle with their grief and feelings of guilt for a long time. death has an immeasurable impact, far beyond a year's time.

 

as an example, someone very close to me lost her boyfriend nearly 2 years ago. she is still having trouble moving on. they were together for 18 months. she is prone to feelings of guilt because around the time he died, he was struggling with a personal crisis that she felt she should have helped him more with and things had become slightly strained between them.

 

perhaps you could sit down and have a talk to him, if he is willing to open up, and ask him if he is still grieving. i know that sounds stupid, but grief is not always obvious and can be overwhelming to the person who is experiencing it.

 

i know you are hurting too, but i think more than anything, this guy probably needs a lot of understanding and a lot of space to get past this hurdle in his life. at the same time, i don't think you should be expected to wait until he is ready. we are all capable of loving more than one person in our lifetime immensely.

 

don't make any promises to him while he is feeling emotionally unstable and don't take what he said about you being 'the one' in the future as gospel. that could very well change and no one can say for sure how long it will take him to be ready for 'a real relationship'.

 

best wishes