Star Gazer Posted August 3, 2008 Share Posted August 3, 2008 I've periodically read here on LS (from 2-3 guys in particular) that after a couple dates they'll stop asking the gal out to check and see if she'll return the effort. Seems that the consensus is around 3-4 dates, he'll wait for her to make the next move. Any merit to this, really? I usually start doing some of the date-suggestion at that point anyway, but at the same time I hate feeling like I'm chasing. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted August 3, 2008 Share Posted August 3, 2008 A girl who cares will return the affection. One who is too passive and waits for the guy to do everything can come off as indifferent. Also if she doesn't bring a bit of herself to the table in the form of suggesting things she'd like to do, that's not a good sign either. Link to post Share on other sites
sid3 Posted August 3, 2008 Share Posted August 3, 2008 i agree with Johan. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted August 3, 2008 Share Posted August 3, 2008 Star, when it comes to the dating period, I always let the man ask me out for the next date. Sometimes, they ask what I'd like to do next time which I will answer. About 90% of the time, they already have something in mind, based on previous conversations/dates as to what my preferences are. After it becomes an exclusive relationship, it's an entirely different ballgame. Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted August 3, 2008 Share Posted August 3, 2008 After it becomes an exclusive relationship, it's an entirely different ballgame. Rugby? Croquette? Handball? Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted August 3, 2008 Share Posted August 3, 2008 Rugby? Croquette? Handball? Hardball... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted August 3, 2008 Author Share Posted August 3, 2008 Star, when it comes to the dating period, I always let the man ask me out for the next date. Why? What's your reasoning? Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted August 3, 2008 Share Posted August 3, 2008 Why? What's your reasoning?I have a strong preference for high testosterone alphas. If the guy can't initiate during the dating process, there's no way I'm going to chase him. Link to post Share on other sites
vonerik012 Posted August 3, 2008 Share Posted August 3, 2008 TBF, thats interesting.. I remember you stating on other threads that you ask men out, and that you pay on dates when you ask them out. That seems like initiating to me.. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted August 4, 2008 Share Posted August 4, 2008 TBF, thats interesting.. I remember you stating on other threads that you ask men out, and that you pay on dates when you ask them out. That seems like initiating to me.. Wrong. I've never asked a man out but I do pay on alternating dates besides the first one. You're confusing me with Stargazer or someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted August 4, 2008 Share Posted August 4, 2008 In my experience, sometimes the first few weeks of dating absorbs so much of your time that you have to catch up on other life's duties. For instance, two weekend dates can push things on my todo behind, like mowing, cleaning, etc... I certainly do not think mowing the grass, cleaning, studying, bills, etc... is a good 3rd or 4th date material. I've also purposely let her initiate contact after 1 month of real dating because I want to know if she actually likes me. I want to see her taking action instead of me initiating. At the early stage, it does not seem appropriate to ask her if she likes you. Instead of words you follow her actions, sometimes this is the way to do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted August 4, 2008 Share Posted August 4, 2008 There are some interesting opinions on here. I, like TrialbyFire, like it when the man takes some control in the beginning. I'm surprised to see some of the responses here. After 3-4 dates, the guy will sit back to see if she returns the favor? Wow, I wonder how many men I've missed out on by not picking up the ball. If I go out with a guy 3-4 times and he stops asking me to do something, I automatically assume he is no longer interested. I don't even think about asking them out. I just move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted August 4, 2008 Author Share Posted August 4, 2008 There are some interesting opinions on here. I, like TrialbyFire, like it when the man takes some control in the beginning. I'm surprised to see some of the responses here. After 3-4 dates, the guy will sit back to see if she returns the favor? Wow, I wonder how many men I've missed out on by not picking up the ball. If I go out with a guy 3-4 times and he stops asking me to do something, I automatically assume he is no longer interested. I don't even think about asking them out. I just move on. I used to think the same way. But one of the posters who made this comment (who's no longer active) is a great guy, a decent gentleman. I wonder how many I've missed out on as well... Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted August 4, 2008 Share Posted August 4, 2008 The third and fourth dates are pivotal times, for all kinds of reasons. One man last year, made arrangements to have dinner with his parents on the third date and gave me no warning beyond one day or that day, can't remember which one. It made me panic and shut down. Most recently, on the third date, I took this guy to a friend's house party. The ex-H showed up unexpectedly and so did another guy who I had previously been dating about a month prior, who I had cut loose. It turned into an alpha pissing fest so I shut down on this guy too. For some people, that third date is when they expect sex and if they don't get it won't pursue further. While, thank god I've never dated a guy like this, there are enough of them out there. I don't see it as a loss or a missed opportunity. If you can't maintain the same level of interest throughout, is the guy just pretending to be someone he's not? I do know what I need in a man and that's an inordinate level of strength and confidence. Perhaps you ladies are of a different composition and need a different type of man. Link to post Share on other sites
vonerik012 Posted August 4, 2008 Share Posted August 4, 2008 TBF, Why would you take a guy on the pivotal third date to a party in which your ex husband, and another man you dated were going to present, or could be present? And what does "I shut down on this guy too" mean? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted August 4, 2008 Author Share Posted August 4, 2008 Please keep this thread on-topic, guys. I really want to deal with the issues presented in the OP. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted August 4, 2008 Share Posted August 4, 2008 Both showings were unexpected, in that we have a large group of friends where people show or don't for these types of house parties. The news of the parties is spread through word of mouth so no one ever knows exactly who's going to be there or not. The ex-H hasn't attended one of these parties since Hallowe'en. Also things were supposed to be cool between the two of us. As well, this other guy who I was dating for a couple of months but non-exclusively and not in a relationship, was ended in a relatively civil/friendly manner. As to shut down, it means I cut him loose. Link to post Share on other sites
vonerik012 Posted August 4, 2008 Share Posted August 4, 2008 Ok to address the op.... Usually if I went on 3 dates with a woman we would be at a certain comfort level, in which we converse freely and easily. Either I move to quickly, or I am easy to get along with. TBF, do you have a pent up hostility towards males? As much as my views seem like those of a misogynist, I never go on several dates with a woman then just say "I cut them loose" .. As if that would be a sign of strength or an accomplishment. Were they tied to you? Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted August 4, 2008 Share Posted August 4, 2008 Ladies, I do not think you've missed out much if a guy disappears after the 3rd or 4th date. Sometimes life just happens. I still have milestones for the 2nd date, 1 month, etc... I still plan a 2nd date because of the first date stress, maybe we're stressed and the 2nd date would give "us" a 2nd chance. At the 1 month mark, usually 3rd or 4th dates, I/we would know if we're dating material. When I was younger I would just disappear, now that I'm older I would say no chemistry and keep it at friends. Link to post Share on other sites
monkey00 Posted August 4, 2008 Share Posted August 4, 2008 To contact a guy after a few dates, at the very least ask how his day's going is good enough to show you're still interested. As much as a girl likes to get chased, guys want the same...or at least get some kind of indication it's paying off. While it's good to have it happen and having her ask him out, it's not realistic to expect it coming from all women. The easiest thing she can do is suggest activities or drop hints for the next date - it shows she cares enough to take some kind of initiative. While I admit, though if after 2-4 dates you don't hear from me, either I'm overseas and can't reach you, or I've already lost interest. If I'm dating someone I don't really condone or plan on playing games. Link to post Share on other sites
vonerik012 Posted August 4, 2008 Share Posted August 4, 2008 Also, with most women I have dated they might say something like "Yes, we should go there", or "Wow, that would be fun". That shows that they have interest, and still allows me to do the initiating. It all kind of flows. Link to post Share on other sites
Prodigal Princess Posted August 4, 2008 Share Posted August 4, 2008 I feel the same way as TBF. In the beginning stages, I want a guy who will take the reigns at all times. On quite a few occasions, I have gone out with guys who dissapear after the third or fourth date, then pop up a couple of weeks/months later with a drunken text along the lines of "I'm still here, come and get me". I've also had one guy go agro - he sent me a random text a few weeks after he stopped contacting me saying "You think you're a superstar! You're not!". Obviously, all these guys had been waiting for me to take the initiative and were cut when I didn't. I don't want any guy who needs me to validate him. At the same time, I do get involved in decision-making on where to go etc and generally let them know I'm interested once they make that first move. And as TBF said, this really only applies to when I'm dating someone. Being in a relationship is entirely different. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted August 4, 2008 Share Posted August 4, 2008 I feel the same way as TBF. In the beginning stages, I want a guy who will take the reigns at all times.It really is nice to follow an alpha who makes great decisions! Link to post Share on other sites
bigmanpayne Posted August 4, 2008 Share Posted August 4, 2008 I've periodically read here on LS (from 2-3 guys in particular) that after a couple dates they'll stop asking the gal out to check and see if she'll return the effort. Seems that the consensus is around 3-4 dates, he'll wait for her to make the next move. Any merit to this, really? I usually start doing some of the date-suggestion at that point anyway, but at the same time I hate feeling like I'm chasing. Thoughts? i hate this. why does anyone have to chase anyone else? why cant 2 people just like each other and both put forth the effort? with that being said i never make the first initial contact - i need to know there is an interest from them first, but after that i open up and things are usually mutual. i hate having to guess what someone is thinking, etc. if you like someone what does it matter that you are chasing or not? its a problem if you over-chase. other than that, there is nothing wrong with you letting someone know you are interested or that you like them a little bit. Link to post Share on other sites
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