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Caught Cheating


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My girlfriend and I have been together for roughly 3 years. Over the course of the last few months, she has been regularly absent -not coming home at night and, sometimes, gone for entire weekends without a phone call. I knew that all signs pointed to an affair, but, for some reason, I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. Last night the anxiety over this uncertainty motivated me to do something for which I feel a great deal of shame; I checked her e-mail. Sure enough, my efforts confirmed that she has been seeing somebody else.

 

I realize that my actions constitute a breach of trust, but I have to confront her about her infidelity. I feel like my evidence is inadmissible since it was ill-gotten. Any suggestions on how to handle the situation?

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Yeah, just print out the e-mails and leave them out where she'll see them. Keep copies for yourself. Ask questions. Listen. Try to remain calm.

 

If she still cares about you, you'll hear some truth. Let's hope. :)

 

If you've been sexually active with her, I'd suggest getting tested for STD's, just in case she's had a PA.

 

You'll likely be told to kick her to the curb. That's an option. Only you know the specifics. I will only opine to resist letting your emotions speak without the benefit of intellect. I wish you well :)

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Is there anything to salvage now anyways? When infidelity is involved, the snooping is irrelavent the way I see it. You had reason to be suspicious, and they were confirmed when you saw her e-mails.

 

If I were in your shoes, I would confront her about the change in behavior and give her opportunity to confess. In all likelyhood, she'll continue with the lies in which case you can confront her with the e-mails and kick her cheating rump to the curb.

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serial muse
My girlfriend and I have been together for roughly 3 years. Over the course of the last few months, she has been regularly absent -not coming home at night and, sometimes, gone for entire weekends without a phone call. I knew that all signs pointed to an affair, but, for some reason, I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. Last night the anxiety over this uncertainty motivated me to do something for which I feel a great deal of shame; I checked her e-mail. Sure enough, my efforts confirmed that she has been seeing somebody else.

 

I realize that my actions constitute a breach of trust, but I have to confront her about her infidelity. I feel like my evidence is inadmissible since it was ill-gotten. Any suggestions on how to handle the situation?

 

Snooping is a gray area, as far as I'm concerned. Generally, the snooper will learn nothing of use - perhaps some negative stuff, but nothing really earth-shattering that justifies the breach of trust. Often, it only damages a pretty good relationship in irreparable ways.

 

HOWEVER. It is also - depending on your partner - sometimes the only way to get to the truth; specifically, if your partner is consistently behaving "off" and won't talk to you openly about it. I don't know where the line should be drawn; I guess people have to judge that for themselves. Idle snooping certainly isn't okay. But snooping after weeks or months of uncertainty and hurt and uncommunication from your partner - that's harder to condemn. And I say so because I did it myself, I admit, and I honestly think it was the right thing to do. It took me nearly a year to even want to, but I eventually decided I needed concrete answers that my now-exH wasn't giving me. And I got them. He was cheating; we're now divorced. Personally, I don't regret the snooping. It told me what I needed to know.

 

I've sometimes had to really fight the urge to snoop on my present partner because of my past experiences and present fears. But he hasn't been dishonest with me in the way my exH was, and it feels wrong to betray him that way merely because of lingering insecurities. And I don't want to damage our relationship by betraying his trust in that way. So yeah, it's a fuzzy line. I suppose the line is somewhere around "you have nothing to lose." I think you reached that point.

 

I guess what I'm getting at here is, I think what you did was okay. You didn't just dive in at the first opportunity. Sounds like it took you a while, you put up with some really rude and careless treatment from a person you trusted, and finally, you just gave up and decided to find out the truth.

 

And now you know. She may very well try to tell you your information is invalid because of how you got it. But you know what? It isn't. This isn't a court of law. What you found is still true, and she should still be held accountable. Just tell her what you know, and ask for an explanation. Try not to be too defensive; it'll weaken your position. Just be as matter-of-fact as possible to get to the bottom of things. And then try to figure out whether you want to salvage things, and whether this is a person you think you'll ever be able to trust again.

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Breach of trust????? What about the fact that she cheated on you, that's a breach of trust. Her cheating on you, is way worse than your suspicions getting the best of you, if she didn't want you to find out, she would have tried to hide it more. Sounds to me like she wanted you to find out, with all the nights not coming home and so forth. Confront her, you have nothing to lose.

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I knew it.

 

Every time I read a post about a guy that has a suspicion that his girl is cheating, and he either, breaks into her email, or cell phone.. and FINDS incriminating evidence that their intuitions were correct, there's always a female poster that comes on and makes an issue of the snooping.

 

10 times out of 10, when someone has the inclination to snoop, it's for a damn reason.. and this is another instance.

 

OP, wait for a day that she'll be gone for a few hours. Print off her incriminating Emails and leave them on the suitcases containing all of her belongings right at the front door.. so when she walks in, she can see all this, grab her bags and leave.

 

Dont even show her that you're hurt and pissed. When she walks in, tell her to take her $hit, and get out.. and don't let the door knob hit her on the @ss on the way out

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reservoirdog1

When you say your evidence is "inadmissible because it was ill-gotten", do you actually mean in the legal sense?

 

If you DON'T mean it in the legal sense, then who cares? Resist the temptation to make her arguments for her. When confronted with this, the first thing out of her cheating mouth will be something pissy about how you have no right to check her email. She'll try to make you feel bad for "snooping". As if that's somehow worse than slobbering on another guy's knob for months on end while pretending to be committed to you.

 

Kick her to the curb.

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It sounds like you had every reason to be suspicious, and now you have the evidence to prove it.

 

If I had been in your position, I would have gone looking for evidence as well.

 

Confront her on this, tell her what you have found and dump her. I don't see what she could possibily have to explain- she cheated, she got caught and she doesn't deserve your sympathy or another chance.

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Every time I read a post about a guy that has a suspicion that his girl is cheating, and he either, breaks into her email, or cell phone.. and FINDS incriminating evidence that their intuitions were correct, there's always a female poster that comes on and makes an issue of the snooping.

 

Guys do the same thing if it was a female poster that snooped.

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White Flower
It sounds like you had every reason to be suspicious, and now you have the evidence to prove it.

 

If I had been in your position, I would have gone looking for evidence as well.

 

Confront her on this, tell her what you have found and dump her. I don't see what she could possibily have to explain- she cheated, she got caught and she doesn't deserve your sympathy or another chance.

I agree that your proof is not inadmissable simply because you did what she did--go behind her back to get it. She wasn't going to offer up the info, so you did what you had to do in order to find out what the truth was.

 

Now it is up to you how to handle it. I like Carhill's idea of putting the printed copies of the emails out and keeping copies for yourself. Let her confess, or ask her when you're ready. Then decide what you want after you talk.

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White Flower
Guys do the same thing if it was a female poster that snooped.

Anyone who feels they are being lied to is allowed to snoop IMHO. Man or woman.

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serial muse
I knew it.

 

Every time I read a post about a guy that has a suspicion that his girl is cheating, and he either, breaks into her email, or cell phone.. and FINDS incriminating evidence that their intuitions were correct, there's always a female poster that comes on and makes an issue of the snooping.

 

10 times out of 10, when someone has the inclination to snoop, it's for a damn reason.. and this is another instance.

 

Really? Who the heck are you talking about? :rolleyes:

 

So far everyone's said they agree with him. Please read more carefully.

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Anyone who feels they are being lied to is allowed to snoop IMHO. Man or woman.

 

I am of this opinion too. However I was lashed out when I and few other women defended the girl who snooped.

 

Anyway, I don't see why OP is worried about his snooping; that's nothing compared to the secrets he found out. Just terrible. Cheaters are not worth a second chance, however, OP, please try investigate what caused her to cheat though, could be something in your relationship.

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White Flower
I am of this opinion too. However I was lashed out when I and few other women defended the girl who snooped.

 

Anyway, I don't see why OP is worried about his snooping; that's nothing compared to the secrets he found out. Just terrible. Cheaters are not worth a second chance, however, OP, please try investigate what caused her to cheat though, could be something in your relationship.

I agree. I don't believe in once a cheater always a cheater. There may be a good reason. But if there isn't, get out!

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