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When should an online dating profile come down?


Alpha Female

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Alpha Female

When do you all think an on line dating profile should come down?

 

Is that before you have sex or agree to be exclusive, or after one or two dates?

 

What do you all think?

 

(I ask because I took everyone's advice about the younger man and decided to give him a go. I took my ad down last week for different reasons, but his is still up there).

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Alpha Female

Okay thanks. Thats what I thought too. I know I shouldnt be bothered he still has it up.

 

Do I just tell him oh by the way, if we have sex tonight, your ad comes down first? ha ha

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Jilly Bean

I think when you decide to be exclusive. This board gets littered with stories of women upset their guys wont take down their ads, so be sure this is understood before going too far with him. Hopefully he will want to.

 

And FWIW, Im glad youre giving the young tyke a chance. He may surprise you! :)

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Not sure why you put your ad down when two are not exclusive, but I would put it back up if I were you (unless you have a good reason to not).

 

Also, just because his ad comes down, it doesn't mean you two are exclusive. You should have a sit-down discussion about your relationship and whether you two are exclusive first before having sex. And also make sure he is sincere and you do see a future with him and he feels the same way first...at least if this is what you are going after in dating him. Unless you are into casual sex but I dont think you are judging from your post.

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Talk about gender differences: many women precipitously remove their online profile after only 2 dates; many men doggedly maintain their online profile after 200 dates.

 

Online dating is one huge sexual shopping spree for guys. For women, it's a mate selection tool. Guys believe that there's always someone out there in cyberspace, a mere mouse click away, who's prettier, hotter, and worth more than what they "have" now. For many men, that "bird" in hand is most definitely not worth more than the 1000 "birds" sitting on that online "cyber-bush."

 

So what's a women to do? Charm him off the site. If that fails, dump him. There are many more where he came from.

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Alpha Female

Grogster - do you then believe that all men that are online are only looking for as many women they can get? You seem to think that all men online are looking for a hook-up and nothing more.

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Alpha Female
Not sure why you put your ad down when two are not exclusive, but I would put it back up if I were you (unless you have a good reason to not).

 

I took it down because separate from him, I didn't like the responses I was getting. I took it down when we had an issue last week and before we decided to meet. It was more in response to being fed up with the site than anything.

 

He is still on there tho.

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Art_Critic

To me the profile comes down when you become exclusive and have had the talk about exclusivity.

 

When I met my wife I took mine down after we had sex.. she did the same..

With me when I have sex with a woman I will not date another till I play it out with this one..

I'm kinda a one woman guy and always have been..

 

I didn't expect my wife to take hers down till we had the talk though.. just because I felt exclusive after we had sex doesn't mean that she did.. until the talk we were not on the same page.

I also didn't tell her that I felt we were exclusive until we talked about it.. again since we weren't on the same page yet I couldn't make the assumption that she was feeling the same way that I was..

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Alpha Female
To me the profile comes down when you become exclusive and have had the talk about exclusivity.

 

When I met my wife I took mine down after we had sex.. she did the same..

With me when I have sex with a woman I will not date another till I play it out with this one..

I'm kinda a one woman guy and always have been..

 

I didn't expect my wife to take hers down till we had the talk though.. just becuase I felt exclusive after we had sex doesn't mean that she did.. until the talk we were not on the same page.

 

Yes that's very true, thank you Art.

 

I definitely plan on laying out my expectations about this before we get intimate. We have already had numerous conversations about what we are both looking for as far as dating/relationships, and he has repeated many times that he is a one-woman man and doesn't date or sleep around.

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Grogster - do you then believe that all men that are online are only looking for as many women they can get? You seem to think that all men online are looking for a hook-up and nothing more.

 

I'm not cynical about male online dating motivations; I'm realistic.

The male disinclination to "commit" after a few dates is magnified online when the potential exists for more beneficial encounters.

 

We see on LS many threads initiated by women complaining about an early lack of online symmetry: after a few dates or sex she removes her online profile; he does not.

 

The woman is flummoxed by the male inertia 9or sexual opportunism). Being a guy, I understand his reluctance to commit all of his resources to one woman when the cyber-possibility exists of his finding someone better. Unless he's expressly committed to removing his profile, and has breached that promise, he's within his rights to keep digging for cyber-babes.

 

That's life in the online mating world.

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Jilly Bean
I'm not cynical about male online dating motivations; I'm realistic.

 

While I agree with you, Grog, that a lot of guys online are trolling for P, I think a lot of them are sincerely relationship-minded. I know a lot of couples that have met and hooked up all kinds of sites. I have friends who met on AFF, and are now living together! And yes, committed and monogomously. So, I don't think all guys online are just out to see how many notches they can get. I think it just adds another dimension and level to dating.

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Hey Alpha Female, I agree with everybody else; that is after exclusivity is discussed and agreed. However, sometimes after having sex, feelings may start to get involved and it may be disturbing to see someone whom you had sex yesterday, was online "in the past 1 hour".

 

I had this one guy who pulled down his profile the day we were supposed to have our first date. He said he considered it "cheating" to have his profile up there, while he's on a date with me! That was too much I think, and completely turn me off. Anyway, I guess I must have turned him off too in a way, because he never contacted me again, and his profile was back on the next day..:)

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While I agree with you, Grog, that a lot of guys online are trolling for P, I think a lot of them are sincerely relationship-minded. I know a lot of couples that have met and hooked up all kinds of sites. I have friends who met on AFF, and are now living together! And yes, committed and monogomously. So, I don't think all guys online are just out to see how many notches they can get. I think it just adds another dimension and level to dating.

 

Most of the serious relationships I have had recently were from online dating. I have met very interesting guys I would have never have met in real life I think.

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Most of the serious relationships I have had recently were from online dating. I have met very interesting guys I would have never have met in real life I think.

 

I agree. My last two bfs were awesome guys, nice and good people. You just have to learn how to pick the good ones from the bad ones and don't give yourself away until you know they are good. It takes experience, patience, and sometimes a bit of luck helps too.

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I took it down because separate from him, I didn't like the responses I was getting. I took it down when we had an issue last week and before we decided to meet. It was more in response to being fed up with the site than anything.

 

He is still on there tho.

 

I'm in the same boat... just started seeing a guy... for the second time around after some time apart, but that's another post! lol

 

He is still "online" and I must it admit it does bother me too... but then I try to realize he has been on there for a long time, and we only just started "talking" again.. he contacted me after seeing me on the site actually! And a week or so ago he asked me out... we had a great time, the chemistry is still there etc. Anyways! while I would like him to take down his profile, it is waaaay too soon to even discuss that with him.

 

And I did take my profile down too though, but mostly because it makes me feel "cheap"... you know what I mean, right? I hope if he sees that it's down he doesn't read too much into it... even though it does complicate my feelings for him, I don't want him to freak that I'm doing it because I think he and are "exclusive" already.

 

It's good to know that I'm not the only one that feels this way about the online thing... and those were some interesting statistics, too. I think it really shows how different men and women view dating.

 

So... thanks for the post! :)

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After you two are exclusive, which hopefully should come before sex.

 

I second this.

 

In the meantime, do not stop dating others. But do not have sex with him, because you can be sure that he IS having sex with others if he has so little respect for you to keep his profile up. Keep in mind that just because he takes his profile down it does not mean that he is not contacting other women with a hidden profile or on a site like eHarmony or Chemistry where you can't search for his profile. Sorry to be a downer....just pointing out stuff I've been through myself.

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Alpha Female
I second this.

 

In the meantime, do not stop dating others. But do not have sex with him, because you can be sure that he IS having sex with others if he has so little respect for you to keep his profile up. Keep in mind that just because he takes his profile down it does not mean that he is not contacting other women with a hidden profile or on a site like eHarmony or Chemistry where you can't search for his profile. Sorry to be a downer....just pointing out stuff I've been through myself.

 

Well, considering we haven't had our first date yet, I guess I don't follow how he is being disrespectful to me. Also, not sure why you assume he IS having sex with other women, though certainly he is fine to do just that.

 

And please don't let your bitterness become my lifestyle. Sounds like you've been through the ringer, so I hope I don't end up quite so jaded!

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confused and broken

This is such a s&8tty situation because you would hope he would decide to take it down on his own...

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I wouldn't have any expectations about taking a profile down before having a first date with someone!

 

I would expect to have more than a few dates- a tangible connection and a discussion about exclusivity first- and that can take some time.

 

It wouldn't even occur to me to expect a guy I haven't had a first date with remove his profile- neither of you know if you'll even have a connection in person or not.

 

Just relax about it- have fun on your date and take it one day at a time.

 

I am talking to a few guys from plentyoffish.com right now I will probably meet them at some point- but my profile stays up until I meet someone I really like and want to have something more meaningful with.

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Alpha Female
I wouldn't have any expectations about taking a profile down before having a first date with someone!

 

I would expect to have more than a few dates- a tangible connection and a discussion about exclusivity first- and that can take some time.

 

It wouldn't even occur to me to expect a guy I haven't had a first date with remove his profile- neither of you know if you'll even have a connection in person or not.

 

Just relax about it- have fun on your date and take it one day at a time.

 

I am talking to a few guys from plentyoffish.com right now I will probably meet them at some point- but my profile stays up until I meet someone I really like and want to have something more meaningful with.

 

Oh I never expected him to take it down before we met! The post was asking when everyone thought it was appropriate to expect it.

 

Yes I agree that after a few dates and agreement on exclusivity/sex.

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Well, considering we haven't had our first date yet, I guess I don't follow how he is being disrespectful to me. Also, not sure why you assume he IS having sex with other women, though certainly he is fine to do just that.

 

And please don't let your bitterness become my lifestyle. Sounds like you've been through the ringer, so I hope I don't end up quite so jaded!

 

seriously! I've found that some people on here are quite jaded and you are smart to not let their negativity affect what you are feeling etc. I've learned after a while to take what people say on here with a grain of salt... we all have our different "stories" and there's no way anyone can really understand how you feel... and about the other person etc.

 

Just go with your gut with this guy.... go out, have fun, get to know each other.. and if he still has his profile up after a while of this then maybe discuss it with him..

 

I'm trying to follow my own advice to you as well... ;) good luck!

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Oh I never expected him to take it down before we met! The post was asking when everyone thought it was appropriate to expect it.

 

Yes I agree that after a few dates and agreement on exclusivity/sex.

 

OHHH! lol- okay... good!

I totally misunderstood.

 

I dated someone for 3 months from Lavalife before he took his profile down. I just waited patiently to see when it was going to happen. I didn't know how to broach the subject with him because I was new to online dating.

 

We went away for a romantic weekend together- and the day after we got back he took it down on his own.

 

I knew he had some commitment issues, so I let him come to the conclusion on his own that he wanted to get more serious. I am kind of the same though- it often takes about 3 months for me to let my guard down and commit.

 

Everyone works on their own timelines though- I think it makes sense if you are going to be intimate with someone and agree you want to be a little more serious that the profile should come down by that time.

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Tough question. I've never dated anyone via online dating sites, so I don't know. I've actually wondered how people handle this though.

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Well, considering we haven't had our first date yet, I guess I don't follow how he is being disrespectful to me. Also, not sure why you assume he IS having sex with other women, though certainly he is fine to do just that.

 

And please don't let your bitterness become my lifestyle. Sounds like you've been through the ringer, so I hope I don't end up quite so jaded!

 

Hostile much? Well, F-ME! for giving out advice when YOU asked for it.

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