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possessiveness and obsession


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Old 1st July 2008, 5:59 AM   #1
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possessiveness and obsession

i need a life. srsly.

when we got back together my state of mind was ideal. i wasn't jealous or possessive, needy, or whiney. i had been reading a whole lot of self help books, and felt "enlightened". as time went on i forgot some of it, and started up the old habits again.

the girl he was with during our 3 weeks apart is my biggest problem. i agreed to "let" him still talk to her online, since i knew she was not a threat. at that point i was at my confidence peak and wasn't letting anything get to me.

and now she's a threat again. we've been spending every night together, but our work hours aren't in sync. often times when i'm at work and i know he's at home, i wonder if he's talking to her online. sometimes he logs on at work, so i wonder if he talks to her there too. i've tried to be around him as much as possible, and i think he's starting to notice the clingyness, but not why i'm doing it.

and now she's started to send him text messages. stupid little notes about nothing, and he replies. we live in a small town, she sees him somewhere and sends him a text. he replies. i get angry.

i've started snooping again. looking at his phone, wondering why he still keeps the 100 text messages from her while they were dating. wondering why he deletes the few messages i've sent him since we've been back together. trying to think of plans to get him to delete them..

what he tells me about what they talk about online bothers me too. this girl is basically the town bicycle and has a new guy every week. she's always telling him about how drunk she gets, her latest "boyfriend" and what they do together. he always tries to argue with her that what she's doing is wrong, etc. i just find it all too personal, why does he care??

the thing is, he doesn't have many friends, and he likes attention. likes to brag about his accomplishments to anyone who will listen, etc. over the past 5 years i've been with him, i've seen his friends come and go, so she may or may not go away.

i feel like we need new friends, but if my motive for making friends is so that she goes away, isn't that a bit manipulative?

i'm just tired of hearing about her. but i'm also tired of obsessing over this all the time.

plz help.
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Old 1st July 2008, 11:08 AM   #2
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Then why did you tell him it was okay to still communicate with this girl? Never start something you aren't ready to finish. It sounds like they are getting closer. You should talk to him about it and tell him you don't want to appear jealous but you aren't comfortable with the amount of attention he is giving this girl. You have to say something to him or you will drive yourself crazy.
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Old 1st July 2008, 11:17 AM   #3
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You need to talk to him about this. Not find ways to make her just happen to disappear, or hope that new friends will fix the problem. The problems lies between the two of you, and the two of you is who can fix it. You made the mistake of letting them continue on, accept that you made this error, and talk to him about it. Explain how it makes you feel without coming across as controlling. "Honey, I thought I could handle you two being friends, but because xyz I realized that I was wrong."
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Old 1st July 2008, 12:42 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Queequeg View Post
looking at his phone, wondering why he still keeps the 100 text messages from her while they were dating. wondering why he deletes the few messages i've sent him since we've been back together.
Not that I agree with the method you used to find this information, but geez, how can this be construed any way OTHER than terrible? With my last ex, I started deleting his texts and saving another boy's when I had fallen out of interest with him in exchange for the new boy.
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Old 1st July 2008, 3:26 PM   #5
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This sounds like a bunch of pointless mind games to me. You need to be clear as to exactly how you feel. Snooping is not really the answer. If he is not willing to stop communicating with this girl after you have asked him not to, then he is really not worth your time. You can do so much better than that. You deserve a guy that is into you and not stringing along two women at once.
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Old 2nd July 2008, 1:33 PM   #6
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i wish i could just talk to him and ask him nicely not to talk to her, but it will not work like that. i told him that i was okay with them talking online, but that i found text messages to be a bit too personal, as they are "anytime anywhere" and not just the odd time he's on the computer. does anyone understand what i'm saying? he doesn't see the difference between text messaging and instant messaging.

so he agreed not to text her, but made me feel guilty about it. the problem is she's text messaged him a few times after that and he feels obligated to reply. i'm still not okay with it but since he thinks it isn't a big deal i feel like i'm overreacting!

a few days ago he was in the shower and i heard his phone go off, it was a text from her, asking him how our trip went. i deleted it right away. i just wanted to text her back "please stop text messaging my boyfriend!"

when he's talking to her online and i'm there, it just makes me so uncomfortable. she goes on and on about her personal life, and he engages her to discuss more about it. it's always the same goddamn conversation!! she talks about her promiscuous, drunk lifestyle, he tells her nicely she's a trashy slut, and then they argue back and forth. maybe if their conversations were shorter and less personal i wouldn't mind, but to me this is not okay.

i know for a fact that he is not interested in her romantically whatsoever. it's just the fact that they were together, and that he's always trying to give her "advice" that bothers me. that and the text messages. all of it seems too personal.

if i bring any of this up, it will not go well. i've already tried to talk to him about it without coming off controlling, and he still sees it as controlling. we have one last session left at counseling and i'm thinking that this will be the topic, because i don't know how to deal with this.

i just want our life to be relaxed and drama free, without resentment. if i try to control who he talks to, he will just resent me. but if he keeps talking to her like this, i'm going to feel resentful.
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