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How often should two people see each other in a new relationship


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Old 27th June 2008, 8:24 PM   #1
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How often should two people see each other in a new relationship

Hi,

I've been dating my boyfriend since February, and we have been officially together for a whole month. I like him a lot. He is very sweet, kind, charming, and he's well educated. The thing is, we only see each other once about every two - three weeks. We only talk on the phone when we are going to see each other. Otherwise, the only communication we have is through email maybe once or twice a week.

It didn't bother me when we were just dating, because we weren't really together, our schedules clashed, and he was busy studying. However, we are together now, I got a new job and we have similar schedules, and he graduated. Yet, we still don't see each other that much.

When I miss him I will look at his myspace page. And the last time I looked a girl left a comment saying she can't wait to hang out with him and ended it in a heart <3. This is how he ended his last two emails to me too. This made me feel jealous, and a little insecure. Maybe he's cheating on me already?

But that doesn't seem likely to me because he is a nice guy. He has had me meet some of his family, and even mentioned me meeting me mother someday. Also, it was his idea to be in a relationship, not mine. And it was a couple days after we had sex, so he wasn't just doing it for that. If he was seeing other girls, he wouldn't have brought the idea up, would he?

I had previously been in a relationship where I was with my ex almost everyday. He couldn't get enough of me. It ended badly, and I am still very hurt from that. But I still compare my last relationship where we were practically living together, to this one where I am hardly seeing the guy.

Anyways, my question is, am I being overly sensitive, or am I being reasonable? I am willing to talk to him and ask him if we could see each other more, but I don't want to come off as being pushy, needy, or munipulative. But I do think I need to spend more time with him if this is going to work.

I've never had to talk to guy about this before, they have always been very willing and eager to see me. This makes me wonder if he really even likes me, when he only wants to see me every few weeks.

What do you think?
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Old 27th June 2008, 8:55 PM   #2
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I can relate to your situation. In all of my previous relationships, time spent toghether was never an issue, it was always as much as possible. In my current I feel just like you do. I'm not sure how a relationship is suppose to develop and strengthen when two people don't spend alot of time with one another. It is frustrating. I have come to the conclusion that I will give it a certain amount of time to see if more time together happens. There will be those that say being too persitent reeks of neediness and clinginess. I don't see how wanting to spend a few nites a week is clingy and needy, I guess it becomes so when the other person doesn't match your interet level and is content with the occasional time spent. That's not the kind of R I would want to be in. Maybe you should wait and see if now that your working the sme hours, you will get to spend more time together, if not, you may want to evaulate the R and decide if you are willing to settle.
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Old 28th June 2008, 12:41 AM   #3
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.. you may want to evaulate the R and decide if you are willing to settle.
The "rule " is that there is NO rule. The problem here is that you clearly want to see him more than you do and (without hearing his side ) we assume that HE is OK with the current arrangement.
You and he have different "connecting" needs.
Does he live within an hour's drive from you?

I suggest that you talk to him and openly mention that you would like to see him more often. Yep, thats right, be DIRECT. Scary prospect for a woman isn't it ?
HE either believes that you are OK with the current situation, OR he has no desire to see you more often. You need to unravel what he wants and then negotiate your own expectations and see if he wants the same thing.
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Old 28th June 2008, 12:48 AM   #4
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I agree there's no rule of thumb but once every two or three weeks doesn't sound like a relationship.

If you're unsatisfied with this, you do have to tell him what you want. He can't meet expectations he doesn't know about. Talk to him soon so it doesn't turn into resentment for you.

The risk, is that he's not going to want to do it. If not, what are you prepared to do about it? Think about this before approaching him.
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Old 28th June 2008, 1:41 PM   #5
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I agree with TBF, especially about knowing your own response to whatever answer you do get from him.

You'll also find out what you need to know by approaching him with something like, "How are YOU feeling about the quantity of time we're spending together? Do you think it's time we started spending more time together, now that we're officially together?"
There's a chance that he could as easily be thinking that you prefer the current arrangement and, like you, is afraid to seem too needy or demanding.
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Old 28th June 2008, 9:36 PM   #6
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Thank you,

I will talk to him the about it the next time I see him (whenever that may be), and see what he thinks. I think I would be fine if we could at least see each other once every other week. I don't think that's too much too ask.

But I have thought about it and perhaps having a very busy, independant boyfriend is a good thing for me, for now. I am going to be going back to school in the fall, then I will be quite busy myself. And it could give me some time to work on self-improvement.

The only reason that this is a big deal to me is because it makes me wonder if he really likes me. I know that I like him, but I don't want to waste my time if he doesn't. When I sent a message to him I asked when I could see him again and he said he has been really stressed at work and they are really hitting him hard with the hours. He doens't know when he will be able to see me, but the next chance he gets he will take it. He just got a big promotion, so I do believe him.

I am going to talk to him about it next time I see him in person, and also give it some time and see where things go. If I'm still not satisfied by the end of my first quarter though, I will probably break up with him.

Thanks for your advice
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Old 28th June 2008, 9:55 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by tulip26 View Post
he said he has been really stressed at work and they are really hitting him hard with the hours.
Tulip, this is a great opportunity for you to show that you care about him, and can also put his needs ahead of your own.
Let him know he doesn't have to worry when he can't see you -- you understand that his job needs him to make personal sacrifices, you're proud of him for getting the promotion; that even when you're not physically together he has a special place in your heart.
Send him an e-card...something funny about stress, or something inspiring about his job.

You guys dated for four (4!) months before agreeing to become "official" -- OF COURSE he really likes you . Over the summer, do NOT sit around and find (non-existent) "reasons" to doubt him. Take a summer course, or part-time job or whatever you need to do to feel good and confident about yourself, and not get all needy and clingy because of "mind boredom".
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Old 28th June 2008, 10:06 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by Ronni_W View Post
Tulip, this is a great opportunity for you to show that you care about him, and can also put his needs ahead of your own.
Let him know he doesn't have to worry when he can't see you -- you understand that his job needs him to make personal sacrifices, you're proud of him for getting the promotion; that even when you're not physically together he has a special place in your heart.
Send him an e-card...something funny about stress, or something inspiring about his job.

Ahh - good womanly advice from a woman to a 'woman in love '.. It had a kind of olde worlde charm about it too .
Nice.
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