shadowplay Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 This is a problem I've encountered in several relationships. I'll bring up something legit that I have a gripe with, and they'll apologize yet add a "but..." After the "but" typically comes some lame, often hostile, excuse to justify their actions. Then they'll snap into defensive mode and get hostile for me "attacking" them. I try my best to be nice and civil about it, but they always assume I'm on the attack. Usually by this point the other person is screaming in my face, even though my voice is normal volume. Then, they'll be like "What do you want from me?? I already apologized." But by that point they've made it abundantly clear that they're not really sorry. If I question their sincerity, they'll be like, "I already told you I was sorry! What more do you want?!" I'm not allowed to bring up the fact that they contradicted themselves about fifty times in the conversation. So usually I just drop it. Then the other person ends up resenting me because they feel like I was attacking them and wouldn't let it go. I just wish they understood where I was coming from and why I would question their sincerity. I know you can't make someone sorry, but I wish people wouldn't apologize when they don't really mean it. I also don't understand why many people have such trouble admitting they're wrong. I almost always apologize without qualification when someone comes to me with a complaint. Unless I feel like there was some real misunderstanding. Then I try to explain in a reasonable manner until we both feel OK about it. How do I better handle such a situation in the future? Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 Which of the following most ressembles your reaction: SP: I wish you would have offered to wait for me Kam: I'm sorry but it just seemed to me you were really busy and I had told DG I would be there by noon 1)SP: I could have been done by noon! 2)SP: Ok, I understand, you also felt pressured. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shadowplay Posted June 17, 2008 Author Share Posted June 17, 2008 Which of the following most ressembles your reaction: SP: I wish you would have offered to wait for me Kam: I'm sorry but it just seemed to me you were really busy and I had told DG I would be there by noon 1)SP: I could have been done by noon! 2)SP: Ok, I understand, you also felt pressured. In this situation, it would be number 2 because the person's explanation is reasonable. I guess I'm referring to instances where the other person has clearly done something wrong and defensively gives some flimsy excuse because they're too prideful to apologize. Link to post Share on other sites
Nevermind Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 Could you give a couple of examples of both your reaction and the offender's? Link to post Share on other sites
Author shadowplay Posted June 17, 2008 Author Share Posted June 17, 2008 I feel a bit trapped, because I want to make them understand why I'm upset but I don't want to drag it out and start an argument. However, if I let it go I worry they will just repeat the same mistake, especially if it's already an established pattern. Nevermind: Here's an example. The last night I saw my boyfriend after he went on a week-long vacation I was upset by his cold departure. Basically, we had sex (he begged me). Then he got up immediately without even hugging me or kissing me and said "see ya," closing the door. I called after him for a kiss but he ignored me and walked out. I asked him about this and he said "I'm sorry, but I was in a hurry because it was late and I had an early flight in the morning." My response: "I understand that you were in a hurry but I don't think it would have delayed you much to give me a kiss on the cheek when you said goodbye." His response: "I'm sorry, I was just concerned about getting to the airport on time the next morning." See how it's getting nowhere? Then later he says: "I just wish you would give me some leeway on how I act under pressure." My response: "I do feel like I've given you leeway. I didn't make a big deal out of the fact that you didn't cuddle with me after the sex. I just wish you had taken the one second to kiss me goodbye." His response: He wrote "I'm sorry" a million times in the chat. I don't know what to do in situations like this. The thing that I find ridic is he had enough time to screw me, but not enough to kiss me goodbye. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 The original question: What do you do when somebody apologizes but you know they're not being genuine? You ignore their half assed apology, and IME you can never truely expect a sincere apology because the person in question sincerely does not believe they did anything wrong. This can be from a variety of reasons. Maybe they really didn't do anything wrong and the offended party is overreacting. Maybe they are extremely self-cenetered and are unable to put themselves in anyone else's shoes to see any other point of view. But in the end, if they don't see it necessary to apologize, they won't ever be sincere. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamergrl Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 Which of the following most ressembles your reaction: SP: I wish you would have offered to wait for me Kam: I'm sorry but it just seemed to me you were really busy and I had told DG I would be there by noon 1)SP: I could have been done by noon! 2)SP: Ok, I understand, you also felt pressured. Can I be DG Anyways... SP, I do the same thing quite often, the I'm sorry doesn't always feel good enough. I have a hard time letting go at things, but it's something I've learned that I need to work on. One thing that has helped, is watching for actions that follow the apology. Some people are just defensive, others don't even realize they are doing something they should be apologizing for. Then there's times when you and I feel like we should be apologized too, but really we shouldn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 I'm really concerned about your sex life. It's not the first time where it sounds like you have sex because he wants to, not because you are into it. Does he respect your sexual boundaries? Total off-topic I know. In this case I second BO's advice. As I write this, I'm wondering if establishing boundaries isn't precisely the problem between your bf and you, and the very reason why you don't feel he hears you out when he apologizes. In the example you gave: You denied your own boundary to please him, and expected some show of affection in return (a kiss). Maybe for him sex was enough of a show of affection - but because you did it for him, and not because you wanted too, you were likely left feeling empty. Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 Can I be DG You're the only DG I know on LS! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts