made a mistake on the date..

[Kwikimartman]

Ok, so I finally went on a date with a girl I've known for a while and everything went smoothly. She practically initiated everything, such as

the hugs the kiss on the cheeks, etc. So then she kisses me on the lips and it was there I made a pretty big and embarrassing mistake. I'm sure all guys had this occur at some point of their dating lives. I got in over my head and used my tongue.. lol... So she stopped it and said it was too early and I have so much to learn...

 

So obviously I'm pretty new to this dating game but yea, I really don't know what I should do next.

 

My instincts tell me that we probably won't talk anymore but I think that would make me a jerk, but the embarrassment is just unbearable.

 

I guess my question is what happens now?

 

Thanks

[Marin]

That is so odd and condescending of her to say that, especially since it appears she initiated the kissing on the lips. I would steer clear of this chick, she seems like she's always going to be nagging about something and never happy.

[Cov]

I did that and the girl bit my lip as away of saying, "easy boy, you've gotta lot to learn about us southern girls". If she ditches you because you got carried away then that's her loss and not yours, but hopefully you'll learn from this incident, and remember that every girl is different, some like that stuff on a first date and some do not.

 

Just forget about it and try and not get too carried away next time.

[Kwikimartman]

well it is odd, but at the same time I understand how she feels. I mean it really was our first date despite the way she has acted. I mean what I did was kind of too intimate. Yea, I guess I lost my head and messed up.

 

But I guess I've learned a lot from this incident. Believe me I will never loose my cool again.

 

Also, we've known each other for a while and I really don't want to lose her as a friend. That was also another reason I was reluctant in actually going out with her in the first place.

So yea, I hope she forgives and forgets. Lol

 

thx for the quick replies:)

[Marin]

Is it me or is French kissing not that big of a deal on the first date? Of course I am in my late 30s so that may be a difference here.

Also it seems like since she was initiating each move to go further, etc., what is wrong with you initiating a move? It's not like you felt her up or anything.

[Trimmer]

Sorry, I don't understand - where was your mistake?

 

Look, don't shrivel up and blow away over this. Have some confidence here. You did hugs, you kissed on the cheek, kissed on the lips, what is the logical next step? Just because one of you tried it and the other drew a boundary doesn't mean it was a "mistake," any more than the kiss on the lips was a mistake.

 

More my concern would be the fact that she initiated everything, and then when you finally initiated something, that's where she drew the line, and with the "so much to learn" comment, implied that she knew what she was doing, and you don't, or that she's operating under some set of "obvious" rules that you aren't aware of.

 

I think she is trying to be in control, and you need to decide whether that works for you, or whether you want things to be a little more balanced.

 

And all due respect to Cov, I don't think you got "carried away" - you just decided to try the next step in a progression that had been moving along, and someone drew a boundary line. No terrible misstep on either side there. It's the larger dynamic of how it happened and how it was handled that would have me concerned.

[Kwikimartman]

Well, the thing is that I am REALLY shy and she knows it. During one point of the date we both agreed that taking it slow was the best thing to do. But she also said that she tried to speed it up a little because we are kind of in a LDR.

 

Honestly, I don't blame her for drawing boundaries. Call me old fashioned but, I thought hugging or kissing was rushing things a littles so using the tongue would practically double the speed in way if you know what I mean.

 

On a side note, this site is really fast and helpful

[Trimmer]

Is it me or is French kissing not that big of a deal on the first date? Of course I am in my late 30s so that may be a difference here.

Yeah - it depends on a lot of things, but I think it is all very context-dependent, and you can't make a hard and fast rule. It's both about the big picture (they've known each other for a while - it's not like a blind first date) and also about the moment (not jumping too far forward, like a hand on a breast, but rather easing it one step at a time...)

 

I'm in that "older" group, too, though, so maybe I just have no patience for pre-ordained rules, and I have the confidence not to feel crushed if I encounter a reasonable boundary drawn in a reasonable way...

 

How old are you, and how old is she, Kwiki?

 

Also it seems like since she was initiating each move to go further, etc., what is wrong with you initiating a move? It's not like you felt her up or anything.

Agreed.

 

And again, I find it concerning that she took things, at her initiative, from hug, to cheek-kiss, to kiss on the lips, and then at the next logical step, initiated by him, she was all about "stop, you have so much to learn..." That's a pretty sudden turn around...

[Kwikimartman]

We are both in college.

 

We are both 20. I am about to turn 21 hooray

 

The thing is about my initiation was that it was more intimate. Almost as if it would propel us to the next level of the relationship.

[TheFonz]

Is it me or is French kissing not that big of a deal on the first date? Of course I am in my late 30s so that may be a difference here.

Also it seems like since she was initiating each move to go further, etc., what is wrong with you initiating a move? It's not like you felt her up or anything.

 

Yeah if this girl had came on to me like that a french kiss would've been the least of her worries .

[Trimmer]

The thing is about my initiation was that it was more intimate. Almost as if it would propel us to the next level of the relationship.

So is any kiss. So is a kiss on the lips. These are all steps on the way to a more intimate relationship that she initiated.

 

My point isn't that she wasn't entitled to draw a boundary at her comfort threshold, or that you couldn't have done so yourself at any time. My point is that she took control all along, and when you took one more reasonable, small step on that path, she slapped you on the wrist as if you were a stupid child who didn't know better, giving the "you have so much to learn" line, and infantilizing you.

 

I'll just say it again: I don't think you made an egregious mistake, but I think this did reveal something about the dynamic between you that you might want to consider.

[Kwikimartman]

hmm, you are right Trimmer and now I am starting to think that what I did is not as bad as I think it is. But she is right about me not knowing what to do next. Throughout the date and even before the date she was throwing me signs but I failed to realize that these were signals.

 

So taking in to account that the both of us have different boundary levels, how should I proceed into this "relationship". I mean, ultimately we both want the same thing which is to be in a relationship. I do want to be with her and I think the feeling is mutual. I'm just afraid that this incident that may or may not be erroneous would damage this potential relationship.

 

It also really suck to know know what will happen next. Now I REALLY have no idea what she will do.

[TheFonz]

So taking in to account that the both of us have different boundary levels, how should I proceed into this "relationship". I mean, ultimately we both want the same thing which is to be in a relationship. I do want to be with her and I think the feeling is mutual. I'm just afraid that this incident that may or may not be erroneous would damage this potential relationship.

 

It also really suck to know know what will happen next. Now I REALLY have no idea what she will do.

 

You cannot assume she wants a relationship or that she's relationship material so fast. It's your job to lead it wear you want it to go, but it's not your job to make it into a relationship. That's her job. You should be doing what you want to do and if she doesn't want to do it then you should pull back.

[Blue Eyed Brain]

Nothing wrong with a french kiss. It's very telling..... even on a first date.

 

It shows, as of now, that you are not on the same wave length.

 

Time will tell.

[Kwikimartman]

Haha, I guess I really do have a lot to learn huh?

 

Well thanks for your replies guys, it really was very helpful and reassuring. Even though I don't really know where I stand right now, I can safely say that I'm ok with it all.

 

Thanks again

[FormerNiceGuy]

Ok, so I finally went on a date with a girl I've known for a while and everything went smoothly. She practically initiated everything, such as

the hugs the kiss on the cheeks, etc. So then she kisses me on the lips and it was there I made a pretty big and embarrassing mistake. I'm sure all guys had this occur at some point of their dating lives. I got in over my head and used my tongue.. lol... So she stopped it and said it was too early and I have so much to learn...

 

So obviously I'm pretty new to this dating game but yea, I really don't know what I should do next.

 

My instincts tell me that we probably won't talk anymore but I think that would make me a jerk, but the embarrassment is just unbearable.

 

I guess my question is what happens now?

 

Thanks

 

Dude. You're all good. Don't worry about it. Anytime it's the FEMALE initiating the kiss....that means you're in, man. Don't worry about it and keep talking to her, because she still likes you.