He's still having doubts.

[Kamille]

I just had the most confusing conversation with bf. The jist of it that he's struggling with doubts about the relationship since we got back together.

 

I don't know. I was trying to hear what he was saying without letting fear get in the way, but it was really hard.

 

He was surprised that his ambivalence shocked me. He thought I knew. I said I had thought things had been going better between us. He said, "yeah yeah they have, I'm just waiting for the moment when the ambiguity lifts. I don't know if it will or how it will happen."

 

Again, acting like he was telling me the sky was blue.

 

He said that he knew I had managed to completely turn the page and that I was still very much in love with him, but he just didn't feel as in love as he used to or as in love as I was.

 

I was speechless. We were at a café and I handed him a fiver and had to leave because I got all choked up. He met me outside. He said that I had had doubts in the past and that he was going through a phase when he was having doubts and he just didn't know how to snap out of it.

 

That didn't really make me feel any better.

 

I told him it was a really hard thing to hear. That it scared the hell out of me and made me want to take my ditance, to protect myself. That I certainly wasn't about to try and prove our relationship was worth it to him.

 

He then went on this tangent where it was not about me, it was about him, that I had nothing to prove to him.

 

I said: "I know I have nothing to prove to you. either we work out or we don't. I'm a big girl, I can accept those consequences. I'm just trying really hard to try and accept what you are telling me right now."

 

We continued talking, he was trying to make me feel better, trying to make me understand that he's allowed to have doubts, that it in no way diminished what I meant to him.

 

And then, he messed me up even more by ending the conversation with:

 

I love you. I hope you don't doubt that.

 

this was the first time he said I love you since we got back together.

 

 

I'm not sure I understand fully what he was trying to tell me.

 

What do I do? I feel raw right now and I don't know what to think anymore.

 

I don't even know if I want to post this. It might make me feel even more scared and confused.

[Jilly Bean]

K - you know all those times in a relationship when you may look at your guy, and think, "what the hell am I doing with him?". And then it passes?

 

I get the feeling that BF was talking stream of consciousness without hitting his self-censorship button. It was like he was channeling his thoughts, without really thinking about a message in mind. Of course, as a woman, your job then is to over-analyze and dissect said comments.

 

I don't see anything in jeopardy - just a dude who was having a moment and went with it, when he certainly didn't know the impact of sharing his random thoughts.

[TheFonz]

I think he saying I love you, but I'm having doubts if im in love with you and the relationship. He sounds like a skilled "player" or natural.

[Art_Critic]

Hugsz Kamille...

 

If he is having doubts then he will have to work thru it just like you did...

Is he still drinking ?

The Alcoholic in me says he is having an internal struggle with choosing between you and the bottle and internally believes that if he continues the relationship it will interfere with his drinking time..

 

That being said I think my advice should be taken with a grain of salt as I don't know him and don't know what he is struggling with.. you should be able to gauge that better than me and I don't want my filter that I'm viewing this thru to color any advice you might take.

 

I'm sorry that you are hurting and hope he pulls thru whatever he is going thru...

[Advocate's Devilette]

Why would you throw him money like that? He made you sit there and listen to that, let him pay for the coffee.

 

I just had the most confusing conversation with bf. The jist of it that he's struggling with doubts about the relationship since we got back together.

 

I don't know. I was trying to hear what he was saying without letting fear get in the way, but it was really hard.

 

He was surprised that his ambivalence shocked me. He thought I knew. I said I had thought things had been going better between us. He said, "yeah yeah they have, I'm just waiting for the moment when the ambiguity lifts. I don't know if it will or how it will happen."

 

Again, acting like he was telling me the sky was blue.

 

He said that he knew I had managed to completely turn the page and that I was still very much in love with him, but he just didn't feel as in love as he used to or as in love as I was.

 

I was speechless. We were at a café and I handed him a fiver and had to leave because I got all choked up. He met me outside. He said that I had had doubts in the past and that he was going through a phase when he was having doubts and he just didn't know how to snap out of it.

 

That didn't really make me feel any better.

 

I told him it was a really hard thing to hear. That it scared the hell out of me and made me want to take my ditance, to protect myself. That I certainly wasn't about to try and prove our relationship was worth it to him.

 

He then went on this tangent where it was not about me, it was about him, that I had nothing to prove to him.

 

I said: "I know I have nothing to prove to you. either we work out or we don't. I'm a big girl, I can accept those consequences. I'm just trying really hard to try and accept what you are telling me right now."

 

We continued talking, he was trying to make me feel better, trying to make me understand that he's allowed to have doubts, that it in no way diminished what I meant to him.

 

And then, he messed me up even more by ending the conversation with:

 

I love you. I hope you don't doubt that.

 

this was the first time he said I love you since we got back together.

 

 

I'm not sure I understand fully what he was trying to tell me.

 

What do I do? I feel raw right now and I don't know what to think anymore.

 

I don't even know if I want to post this. It might make me feel even more scared and confused.

[Kamille]

I don't know Jilly, he said he'd been struggling with those doubts for awhile now.

 

Hugsz Kamille...

 

If he is having doubts then he will have to work thru it just like you did...

 

Yeah, when the mature-me is thinking through this, this is pretty much what I'm thinking. And I do trust him, and do trust him not to lead me on. And that if he said I loved you, he meant it as I love You and I wouldn't purposefully hurt you.

 

But then there's this other part of me that just doesn't want to be had, you know - who just wants to run in the other direction to protect myself. Basically, a part of me wonders if the Fonz might not have a point in saying the guy is playing me.

[Advocate's Devilette]

If he accepted your fiver after telling you that at the cafe, then yes, he's a player.

 

 

I don't know Jilly, he said he'd been struggling with those doubts for awhile now.

 

 

 

Yeah, when the mature-me is thinking through this, this is pretty much what I'm thinking. And I do trust him, and do trust him not to lead me on. And that if he said I loved you, he meant it as I love You and I wouldn't purposefully hurt you.

 

But then there's this other part of me that just doesn't want to be had, you know - who just wants to run in the other direction to protect myself. Basically, a part of me wonders if the Fonz might not have a point in saying the guy is playing me.

[TheFonz]

Well I know what I'd do if I were in your shoes, but I refuse to give secret advice until someone gives me useful advice on here.

[Kamille]

Reaching for the ignore button for the first time in my LS life.

[Nuguy12]

I said: "I know I have nothing to prove to you. either we work out or we don't. I'm a big girl, I can accept those consequences. I'm just trying really hard to try and accept what you are telling me right now."

 

 

I feel for ya Kammy. THis is a tough situation.

He is either telling you one of two things and I cant decide which because I do not know him.

 

1. HE feels, deep down, that there is "unfinished business" between you ( i gather that you two broke up and reconciled). Unfinished business is another way of saying RESENTMENT, and resentment is the slow poison of relationships.

 

2.. THis is blunt . He is telling you that his interest level is falling.

 

Also, you might want to examine the wisdom of saying "I have nothing to prove to you " , in that setting - it sounds harsh and defensive.

 

Ask back here if you want more of a man's perspective.

 

OH, are you in a relationship with a guy who abuses alcohol - that changes everything.

Edited April 2, 2008 by Nuguy12

[dreamergrl]

Kamile - I'm so sorry that you're going through a tough time! I wish I could give you some of the great advice I've heard you give to others and even myself. All I can say is that I think for him to tell you he loves you after a temp break up says a lot.

 

I don't know the whole story, I'll have to look for the thread (I'm assuming there is a previous thread) - but how long have you been with him?

[johan]

Just shift your focus to yourself a bit more and give him some space. Not total space, but more. Don't show that any of it bothers you, just be patient and let it shake out.

[Kamille]

I feel for ya Kammy. THis is a tough situation.

He is either telling you one of two things and I cant decide which because I do not know him.

 

1. HE feels, deep down, that there is "unfinished business" between you ( i gather that you two broke up and reconciled). Unfinished business is another way of saying RESENTMENT, and resentment is the slow poison of relationships.

 

2.. THis is blunt . He is telling you that his interest level is falling.

 

Also,y ou might want to examine the wisdom of saying "I have nothing to prove to you " , in that setting - it sounds harsh and defensive.

 

Ask back here if you want more of a man's perspective.

 

I agree it sounds harsh and defensive. I was being defensive. My armour was rising up and I was trying really hard to stay calm and not act out of fear.

 

My first heartbreak was over a guy who kept me hanging on on "maybes" for too long, and I promised myself I would never allow myself to stay in that kind of situation again. That if a guy couldn't make up his mind about wanting to be with me, then I would make the decision for him.

 

But this whole thing, I just really don't know where to stand.

[Kamille]

Just shift your focus to yourself a bit more and give him some space. Not total space, but more. Don't show that any of it bothers you, just be patient and let it shake out.

 

Good sound plan. Thanks Johan.

 

Here's the back story:

 

boyfriend does abuse alcool. Abuse being the exact term. He drank everyday, usually 3-5 drinks. It became an issue when he drank 5 everyday, steadyly. I just didn't know what to think of it, was scared I was fooling myself by allowing myself to fall in love with someone who had what I consider to be a dependency. I have joined Al Anon and have since decided that I can allow myself to love someone who has a dependency.

 

I have been learning a lot about facing my own fears, and about what I can accept and change.

 

We have been together for 6 months. We broke up because I kept expressing my concerns about his relationship to alcool and, even though he claimed he could change his habits at any time, I soon realized that it was always going to be present.

 

His drinking doesn't affect his work or his moods. And he rarely overdoes it and binges. He seems to have cut down on drinking a lot since the break up, but we have been spending a lot more time apart.

[Nuguy12]

I agree it sounds harsh and defensive. I was being defensive. My armour was rising up and I was trying really hard to stay calm and not act out of fear.

 

My first heartbreak was over a guy who kept me hanging on on "maybes" for too long, and I promised myself I would never allow myself to stay in that kind of situation again. That if a guy couldn't make up his mind about wanting to be with me, then I would make the decision for him.

 

But this whole thing, I just really don't know where to stand.

 

Your mission -

As hard as it will be, just act normally with him. DO not interrogate him or badger him for any emotional "disclosure" . Men always have doubts after a reconciliation IF the factors which triggered the break-up are not resolved to our satisfaction.

I suggest that you have ONE short convo with him NOW and tell him that you have HEARD his ambivalence and you are more that willing to sit and listen when he is ready to talk. You need to be willing to really listen without defenses. Just say nothing until he is done talking. Not a peep.

 

NExt, give yourself a time limit on this ,say one month (or two) and if he has not opened up, the you initiate a "talk" with him about this isuue.

THis uncertainty needs to be removed from your relationship.

[Jilly Bean]

Well then, K. When I am in your shoes, I have to give it over to the Universe and trust that it will all fall out the way it is meant to. That if you are meant to be, you will be. I know it sounds trite, but I think you really need to try and distance yourself from the outcome a bit. Easier said than done, I know. But, I guess I am trying to say that it doesn't sound like there is anything you can personally do to effect change on the outcome. He needs to work through his doubts in his own way and own time. Just trust the right thing will out...

[johan]

I haven't read anywhere where you've said that he's made any changes with respect to the smoking and drinking that caused all this in the first place. Maybe I just missed it. If he hasn't made some serious changes, then I think you're on the same road you were on before. Even if he has you might be.

 

Maybe you should try to be more objective about the relationship. That will help you withstand his doubtfulness better.

 

I personally see you and him cycling between the not-so-good times and the elated times when you both just decide to that the things that are bothering you are no big deal for as long as you can stand it. That's not the best foundation.

[dreamergrl]

Good sound plan. Thanks Johan.

 

Here's the back story:

 

boyfriend does abuse alcool. Abuse being the exact term. He drank everyday, usually 3-5 drinks. It became an issue when he drank 5 everyday, steadyly. I just didn't know what to think of it, was scared I was fooling myself by allowing myself to fall in love with someone who had what I consider to be a dependency. I have joined Al Anon and have since decided that I can allow myself to love someone who has a dependency.

 

I have been learning a lot about facing my own fears, and about what I can accept and change.

 

We have been together for 6 months. We broke up because I kept expressing my concerns about his relationship to alcool and, even though he claimed he could change his habits at any time, I soon realized that it was always going to be present.

 

His drinking doesn't affect his work or his moods. And he rarely overdoes it and binges. He seems to have cut down on drinking a lot since the break up, but we have been spending a lot more time apart.

 

I feel you here. My last bf drank everyday but it went from beer to a bottle of vodka a day. It became more important then food in his eyes.

Is he still drinking everyday? Do you still have these talks?

[Kamille]

Your mission -

As hard as it will be, just act normally with him. DO not interrogate him or badger him for any emotional "disclosure" . Men always have doubts after a reconciliation IF the factors which triggered the break-up are not resolved to our satisfaction.

I suggest that you have ONE short convo with him NOW and tell him that you have HEARD his ambivalence and you are more that willing to sit and listen when he is ready to talk. You need to be willing to really listen without defenses. Just say nothing until he is done talking. Not a peep.

 

NExt, give yourself a time limit on this ,say one month (or two) and if he has not opened up, the you initiate a "talk" with him about this isuue.

THis uncertainty needs to be removed from your relationship.

 

Thanks Nuguy, that is good advice.

 

I did calm down towards the end of the talk, right before the I love you and say I understood that he had doubts and that I accepted it. He seemed really relieved and thanked me for understanding. I got home made myself dinner, and then tidbits of the conversation kept spinning through my head and I came here and posted.

 

Before this whole conversation, we had made plans to see each other tomorow and after the conversation, he insisted that he really was looking foward to it. He might bring up the topic of the ambiguity himself and then I will try to listen to him without getting defensive, but right now I think I need some time before I can broach the topic again.

 

I am not one to usually be able to function really well in a relationship where there is uncertainty - so unless we manage to remove it, I know what I will have to do. Not to mention that he is moving to another city in July, but will be going appartment hunting in May, so that sets up a deadline. We had planned to move in together, but the break threw that whole thing in jeopardy.

 

He feels pressure to "know" by May.

[Kamille]

Well then, K. When I am in your shoes, I have to give it over to the Universe and trust that it will all fall out the way it is meant to. That if you are meant to be, you will be. I know it sounds trite, but I think you really need to try and distance yourself from the outcome a bit. Easier said than done, I know. But, I guess I am trying to say that it doesn't sound like there is anything you can personally do to effect change on the outcome. He needs to work through his doubts in his own way and own time. Just trust the right thing will out...

 

Thanks Jilly. I do need to distance myself from the outcome. thanks thanks again.

[Art_Critic]

His drinking doesn't affect his work or his moods. And he rarely overdoes it and binges. He seems to have cut down on drinking a lot since the break up, but we have been spending a lot more time apart.

 

This Kamille is an enabling statement..

You are not seeing that the Alcohol abuse play the largest role in your relationship with him..

 

He has an incredible relationship with the bottle that he loves.. the catch is that he is getting ready to choose the bottle over you..

 

I would then believe that my previous post bears some weight into what is happening :

 

The Alcoholic in me says he is having an internal struggle with choosing between you and the bottle and internally believes that if he continues the relationship it will interfere with his drinking time..

 

If he has cut down then it will only be a matter of time before that bottle of scotch comes out again..

 

I really hate to say this but until he works thru his drinking problem he isn't going to be relationship material..

 

Are you still going to Alanon meetings ?

[D-Lish]

Hey K....

 

Do you wonder if it has something to do with unconscious revenge on his part? You left him and walked away for a bit (he was hurt) because you had your concerns. Perhaps the ego is kicking in over that.

 

When I first dated my ex husband, I broke up with him after 6 months I was concerned with the age difference (haha- look at me now)... anyhow- he begged to have me back, we worked it out, and then he sort of pulled the same thing with me that your guy is pulling with you. It just took a bit for me to realize he was protecting himself from being hurt again.

 

When you left him before- you took some power from him. Maybe he doesn't realize it- but he might be trying to re-set his ego.

 

Because you left him- he must have some recognition that you could do it again. It might be scary to him. He may even have a slight bit of resentment over the fact that you are capable of making him vulnerable.

 

Or is that too deep an explanation?

lol.

 

I'd just take a little step back and let him figure it out.

You're still the prize my dear... don't forget that.

[Art_Critic]

By the way Kamile.. I'm not trying to paint a doomsday picture here.. I'm just trying to get you to see that Alcohol still does play a huge role here and it is still the wedge...

 

I really wish he would've hit his bottom thru the breakup and sobered up..

[Art_Critic]

I'd just take a little step back and let him figure it out.

You're still the prize my dear... don't forget that.

 

Spot on and soo true Kamile..

[Kamille]

I haven't read anywhere where you've said that he's made any changes with respect to the smoking and drinking that caused all this in the first place. Maybe I just missed it. If he hasn't made some serious changes, then I think you're on the same road you were on before. Even if he has you might be.

 

Maybe you should try to be more objective about the relationship. That will help you withstand his doubtfulness better.

 

I personally see you and him cycling between the not-so-good times and the elated times when you both just decide to that the things that are bothering you are no big deal for as long as you can stand it. That's not the best foundation.

 

I feel you here. My last bf drank everyday but it went from beer to a bottle of vodka a day. It became more important then food in his eyes.

Is he still drinking everyday? Do you still have these talks?

 

In response to the drinking and smoking: he no longer smokes around me (will go outside) and he drinks a lot less. But I no longer want to feel like I am monitoring his drinking. He is an adult and is responsible for his decisions. As long as he respects me. So no, we no longer have this talks.

 

Johan, I agree, we are a rollercoaster couple. I used to feel like I was responsible for most of the drama, but am starting to realize that we both play our parts. But I feel that we are both working on improving the things that bothered us and on finding a middle ground.

 

Hmmm... maybe he's right to still have doubts.