to my fellow "groupies"

[tkgirl]

I was wondering if any of you girls that have dated (or are dating) a musician would like to share your experiences... It's something I've been thinking a lot about lately... what it's really like to be in a relationship with a "rock star" type. This last guy I was seeing was in a local, semi-popular rock band "back in the day" but they still get together and play once in a while... so called reunion shows. Anyways... he was and still is a very good looking guy and I'm sure he's had his share of women in the past. I sometimes think that it still has a major affect on how he views women and relationships... Anyways, to be fair I'll tell my take on dating a musician: first of all, he was a huge charmer, definitely knew how to work it, what to say etc. he was very good looking and confident, but not cocky... actually was very sweet, which made him even more attractive! But on the downside he was very flaky... would "forget" to call sometimes but then would always apologize later saying he was very unorganized etc. He also seemed to have a hard time letting me get closer to him, to get to know him.. sort of had this "macho front" he would put up... in the end he said he just didn't feel the "deep connection" with me and that was that... I really think he isn't able to feel that sort of connection... with anyone! mostly because of his past...

anyways, long post but I was hoping to hear from other girls that have had similar (or different) experiences that dated a musician. Thanks!

[dreamergrl]

I've had experiences with two - one turned out to be seeing about 4 other girls at the time and felt shocked when I mentioned that I only date on person at a time. He also was pretty conceited.

 

The other was kind of shy with me - hard to get to know.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

My current boyfriend is I guess what you'd call a rockstar. He's been in bands steadily since he was sixteen (lead singer/guitarist/drummer, depending on the band), has been on TV and the radio, and is currently the drummer in a pretty popular local band. His band members (and most of the people in our indie scene, actually) are just like you described--flaky, unorganized, womanizers, "tough guys"--but he is very different. While I wouldn't call him shy, he's definitely more low-key; he's extremely respectful of women and just generally a typically great guy. He just happens to be ridiculously cool and good-looking and talented as well.

 

My boyfriend before him (although I like to deny that we had a relationship at all because it didn't last very long) was also a guitarist in a band, but with all the aforementioned typical-musician bad traits. I got really lucky with the current one, I know.

[cammy37]

i dated a fairly well known musician for nearly 5 years....i met him at one of his gigs... and was instantly smitten!! he was tall, stunningly handsome, intelligent, charming and was one of the most talented guitarists and lead singers i've ever seen... i was mesmerised!! when we were first introduced i was in the middle of breaking up with someone so was unable to accept his invitation to the after show party... but he persisted in pursuing me and a few months later we started dating and for a long time things were just amazing. we were both in our early 30's, had so much in common and our time together was fun and happy... it was the only time i've ever truly fallen in love and he felt the same.it took me a while to realise that alongside all the things i loved about this guy was a huge ego that demanded constant attention... that couldnt accept criticism... that was capable of complete selfishness and that he would always be number 1... i began to see how little interest he actually showed in my family and friends... how little he knew about my past or the person i had become... but i loved him so much that i put any niggles to one side. i used to go to a lot of his gigs because i genuinely loved watching him play... and sure, there was a lot of attention from females in the audience, but i felt secure enough to take no notice and i certainly never felt jealous. and as the years went by, we began to talk about getting married, starting a family and planning what felt like my dream future with a man i adored so much...and then one day i found out he'd been sleeping with someone else for the past year.. and all my dreams crashed down around me... he said she meant nothing, that she'd thrown herself at him and he liked the attention she gave him.. she stroked his ego... and whilst our sex life had never diminished, in the end this wasnt enough for him... his huge ego needed more than i could ever give him... once again, i loved him so much i found myself trying to forgive him and make things work.. but he couldnt stand the criticism and anger and upset and wasnt able to give me the time to sort my head out.... so one day he text me at work to say he was coming to see me that evening to finish things... nice hey.. i went to pieces for a long long time... my life stopped and i was broken... eventually i went travelling and when i returned a year later he got in touch to say he loved me still and could we try again.... despite what he'd done my love for him was as strong as ever and so after a lot of talking, we agreed that we'd move in together... and then, only the day before i was about to give notice on my place, he emailed to say he'd got another girl pregnant...even now, 3 years later, he tries to keep some form of contact... asks to pop in and see me late at night after a gig nearby... says he loves me ... but he has never put his words into action... has never shown in any way that life without me would be unbearable for him... and i see now that he just needs to be adored and is somehow trying to keep alive and keep hold of my adoration for him... i think hes beginning to see it no longer exists, but it took years to reach that stage...i'm sorry to have written so much... i hadnt ever put this in writing before and its been strangely theraputic to do so... i am sure there are many wonderful musicians out there... i just wasnt so lucky... and i never thought i'd say this, but i wouldnt have missed out on those years... they were the happiest for a long time.. and the pain that followed was the worst, but from it i grew and became stronger, able to understand my friends a whole lot more in their moments of heartache... and i learnt to respect myself and will never let a man treat me like that again... i hope you and your lovely man work out... you may just have found one of the good guys...

[konfuzd]

I dated an egomaniacal musician for about a week and a half before I found out what a tool he was.

 

He was a bass player in a local band. I went to see his band play one night at a dive bar. At the end of his set, some floozebag blonde who was spilling out of her top goes up to the stage, and starts a full on make out session with him.

 

Somehow, he didn't understand why I grabbed my jacket and stormed out of the place. He chased me onto the street and said something to the effect of "come on baby, you have to understand this is my lifestyle". I laughed and said, "good luck, and you may want to double bag it with girls like that".

 

He then went on to say that I'd come back, because girls don't break up with him... what a jackass.

 

On a side note: I have a lot of good friends who are in bands who aren't as conceited, and I'd date in a second if they were available/interested.

[tkgirl]

thanks for all the replies so far... so yea, I can see a definite trend with these "musician" types. I was curious because I had never dated one before... and now I'm not so sure I want to date one again! I'm sure they can't be all bad though, right... like the one you are dating, I Luv the Chariot OH... he sounds great!

It was a weird situation for me... the whole "rockstar" thing because I actually just liked this guy for who he was and could care less that he was in a band. I think it's what attracted him to me more, that I wasn't like those "other women". There is actually a video on youtube of him and his band from like a year ago... where some bimbo jumps onto the stage and starts hugging on him! and soon after the lead singer pushes her off the stage... yikes! I really don't think I could handle dating a guy that stuff like that happened to on a regular basis... No wonder some of them have such egos... women throwing themselves at them constantly! I bet it can really mess with a guy's head after awhile...

yep, that's it... no more "rockstars" for this girl...

[underpants]

I know a good many musicians and am currently seeing one (or part time/semi retired one).

 

Date an actor...you will RUN back to the music.

 

I think they are as varied as anyone else. Also, you have to factor in things like age, motivations and the ultimate goals of where they want their music to take them...or if they just play because it is what they love to do and have no super driven plans to 'make it big' at the expense of all else.

 

Music (or any creative outlet) should be one facet of the person. Look to see what else is there, especially character wise.

 

I did date a musician in my early 20s. He was all "music is my life". As soon as his band got a few paid gigs he dropped me. He was 'hard to know' also and seemed really gurarded or low level depressed a majority of the time.

 

Then again, what do I know, I'm a flakey art chick.

[monkey5]

I am actually quite smitten with a local band's drummer...but it is very hard to get to know him, as he always has the typical hanger-on girls that follow him everywhere. It's a bit discouraging. I can't come on too strong, yet I can't play hard to get either. It's hard finding that perfect balance.

 

He is a very nice guy...and nice to everyone...he's hard to get to know....but yet, I don't want to have to suck his face (or something else) to get his attention.

[tkgirl]

I am actually quite smitten with a local band's drummer...but it is very hard to get to know him, as he always has the typical hanger-on girls that follow him everywhere. It's a bit discouraging. I can't come on too strong, yet I can't play hard to get either. It's hard finding that perfect balance.

 

He is a very nice guy...and nice to everyone...he's hard to get to know....but yet, I don't want to have to suck his face (or something else) to get his attention.

 

yeah, I know what you mean about finding that perfect balance of coming on too strong and playing hard to get... it's hard with these "rocker" guys that know they got it going on with all these "female fans" around them. I found when I played a little hard to get... not that I was playing, I was being a little cautious and just trying to get to know him more... but it definitely attracted him to me more. But then all of sudden I became too "smitten" and started chasing him a little too much... and then I think he got bored and sort of turned off too. But he was so guarded with his feelings, so who really knows?! I find it's also interesting that that's a recurring theme I see in some of these replies... that the guy was "hard to get to know". What is it with these guys?!! Anyways, it is reassuring that I'm not alone in my frustration trying to figure this guy out and what happened. And no... I won't write off musicians for good... because I actually was really attracted to his passion for his music, and his creativity etc. But I think I WILL steer clear of the really good looking ones that have all these women throwing themselves at them! ...so weird when I think about that video I saw on youtube...

[morrigan]

After graduating from college, I dated a (gorgeous) guy who was the lead vocalist for two bands. The chemistry between us made my thinking processes go haywire; that and he had one of the most sensual voices I've ever heard. He wasn't a partier, didn't cheat on me or have the need for female validation, but was a guarded, rigid Type A personality; it was all about his bands and the million other side projects he was constantly immersed in. He didn't take an interest in my interests or life---I felt more and more like something to be kept on a shelf when he wasn't playing with me, so I walked away. To his credit, he busted his a** to get where he is now---both of his bands are on a major label and tour frequently. He just isn't relationship material.

 

My longtime boyfriend is a bassist and guitarist---a very shy and humble music junkie, he took a long time to get to know but he was definitely worth it. From day one he's been a total 180 from the other guy, even when he's in tour or recording mode. I've been fortunate as far as groupies go--both the singer and my current boyfriend kept their private lives separate and didn't hook up with fans. I'd only feel jealousy if I thought my bf was interested in someone else, and then I wouldn't be in a relationship with him. If anything, you can have as many issues with the 'other men' (the bandmates) rather than some loony fan; the only way to deal with it is to stay out of the band politics entirely.

[Kamille]

My best guy friends are musicians, very serious about music and have set themselves up in the indie scene. They've all been very supportive monogamous boyfriends to their gfs.

 

For awhile, I was really into my local music scene, so every guy I met was a musician. Unfortunately, I never seemed to pick the ones like my friends. My first bf was a musician who felt like being in a relationship might be taxing on his image of himself as a freeroaming musician. The guy after that, was an armchair musician, who would compose these great songs about me, but never managed to make it outdoors, even for a walk - yet would complain that nothing good ever happened to him. (Oh you mean music agents don't tour living rooms???). Another guy's band kind of made it on the local scene while we were dating and he suddenly turned into this total skeezeball womanizer. Ooh and then there was the other musician I dated who was super passionate.... and still in love with his ex.

 

After that one, my dad did an intervention and told me: "No more musicians!" Everytime I introduce a guy to my dad, his first question is:"So, how many guitars do you own?" (first bf had 7). Gotta love dad. And have to say, non-musicians seem to be able to offer much more stability. But also, I didn't know how to pick 'em.

[monkey5]

The thing that makes them so hard to get to know, is that when they are in public, they think they belong to the public. It's their job, and they take it upon themselves to entertain everyone (on the job and off).

 

I have grown up around musicians for most of my life. In my family and within extended family...so obviously, it's my comfort zone because I can somewhat relate.

 

It's easy to get "the look" from a musician at a gig, but it's hard to tell sometimes whether or not they would stick around for long. They pretty much have their choice of girls right in front of them. Not all musicians are like that though, the ones I know have been faithful-for all that I know (and hope!)...though they didn't get ego'd out once they reached success.

 

If theres one thing I've heard more than anything else from my musician friends, it's "hold on one sec, it will only be a minute"- which turns into a half hour to hours.

 

Like I said, the drummer I am after is someone I am somewhat hot/cold on. He's 22, and I don't think he's finished having his kicks yet....not unless it would be an open relationship, which I couldn't tolerate....and I don't think my parents would appreciate me bringing home a guy with long hair, 2 lip piercings,a pierced nose and tattoos. haha