Ashbash11 Posted March 14, 2008 Share Posted March 14, 2008 Hello everyone So, I posted about this issue a few weeks ago, but it's gotten progressively worse, and I'm really in a slump about it right now. Basically, I've been going out with this very shy guy for about a month and a half now.. We met at a party through a mutual friend, and we had instant chemistry and ended up spending most of the party dancing together and talking..I've been super excited because this is the first guy I've dated since I broke up with my ex boyfriend 2 years ago (long messy breakup...eek!) So, the problem is this: I know that he "really likes" me (I asked our mutual friend to find out the scoop..) And we've gone on about 5 "dates".. however, he refuses to label us as "dating.." I'm VERY confused. I know that he's interested in me, because he's initiated most of the outings we've gone on, but when we are actually out together, he won't make ANY physical contact whatsoever.. it drives me nuts. It's like he's waiting for me to make a move, except I'm not sure. is he? Like I said, he's incredibly shy and nervous.....also quite awkward. I'm too afraid to make a move, because I don't know if he wants me to.. it's very weird. Also, I don't understand if our outings are actually "dates" or not! He pays for everything and insists upon it, and we do things like go out to eat, ice skate, see movies. etc.... Very "date-like" activities. I am just very confused and I have no idea how to proceed with this. Should I just take a risk and make a bold move like hold his hand or kiss him? Or should I just wait it out.. or talk to him? What would you do? Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted March 14, 2008 Share Posted March 14, 2008 Have you given him hints that you were interested in him?Sometimes shy guys are afraid to make the first moves in fear that they might scare off the girl. Try to subtly encourage him to take the first steps, or if you can't wait, go for the first move yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Max Overclock Posted March 14, 2008 Share Posted March 14, 2008 Should I just take a risk and make a bold move like hold his hand or kiss him? Bust a move! That'll eliminate all guesswork, true? Max Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 14, 2008 Share Posted March 14, 2008 OK...this is easy. You met at someplace where you danced together. In the old days, when I was young, dancing meant touching each other. He liked that. Do it again, ask him if he'd like to slow dance and then do what comes naturally. If I have to tell you that, crikey, I'll just have to overcome my shyness about dancing I'll guarantee you if you dance slow with him, look in his eyes and tell him how much you enjoy being with him, you'll be kissing him before the night's over. More precisely, he'll be kissing you. Get a shy guy going and he's like the Energizer Bunny with a hydrogen fuel cell Link to post Share on other sites
NuTuDating Posted March 14, 2008 Share Posted March 14, 2008 Kiss him! Definitely make the first move after that long! Link to post Share on other sites
Belkin Posted March 14, 2008 Share Posted March 14, 2008 Wow, that sounds like MY first date with a girl I was terrified of making any move, just like he probably is. And then, after a movie during which nothing happened between us, she suprise-kissed me I was so thankful for that! So if he goes on dates with you, insists on paying... well obviously he's interested in you! But if he's like I was, you can still wait for a looonnng time before he tries anything. Make the first move yourself, and it's almost certain he'll reciprocate! Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ashbash11 Posted March 14, 2008 Author Share Posted March 14, 2008 Thanks for your replies everyone. It looks like I am going to have to make the first move.. ohh boy. I guess the main reason why I am so afraid to do this is because I don't know how he feels about me. As far as I can tell, he seems interested, but what if it's just a friends thing? How can I know? I might just have to risk making a fool out of myself if I make a move and then he doesn't reciprocate. Also, to be fair, I haven't quite let him know that I'm interested in him, either! What's the best way to do this?? Try a hand-hold first, and then progress to kissing or what? Link to post Share on other sites
Legend Posted March 14, 2008 Share Posted March 14, 2008 I agree with what was said above. Bust a move. This is the year 2008, women can take the first steps. Don't always have to wait for a guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ashbash11 Posted March 17, 2008 Author Share Posted March 17, 2008 I really need your advice, guys! Is it okay for the girl to make the first move? What is something "safe" that I can do to start? hand holding?? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 17, 2008 Share Posted March 17, 2008 Hello! Movie theater; hand on leg; look in eyes; smile; take his arm and put it over your shoulder. He'd have to be comatose not to get the hint Link to post Share on other sites
forrest Posted March 17, 2008 Share Posted March 17, 2008 hold his hand first I would say, then if things go smooth...well I dont need to tell you what you should do afterwards. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ashbash11 Posted March 21, 2008 Author Share Posted March 21, 2008 A tiny update: I went out with him again last night on another "date". It was the same old story- me initiating small physical gestures and him stiffening up and backing away. We got a hug out of it, but that was about it. One thing he said which bothered me was this: "The line is blurry right now" (meaning the line between friends and dating, or "more than friends.") What is that supposed to mean? It's all very ambiguous, and I don't handle ambiguity well. Link to post Share on other sites
Skies Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 I understand your situation as the guy I like is also kind of shy. From your update I think he is interested in you - a hug is a progress right? I think the interpretation from your instinct about "the line" he said is also right... I guess shy guys tend to express themselves in a vague way, as vague as possible...and hoping that you would "get it", too. I think so far I read all positive signs from what you said. He'll be prepared for the next step... Link to post Share on other sites
fishtaco Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 It is absolutely fine for the woman to make the first move. For me, it's refreshing, it's a compliment, plus if I happen to like her back, I get to do less work. But, why are you dating shy guys? You realize dating guys without a lot of dating experience means you'll be training them for their next girlfriend right? Anyway, all the insecurities and uncertainties you are facing are exactly the same as what a guy would have to face. It has to do with the person making the move - man or women, they are faced with the same set of self doubt, ambiguity, confusion, the whole thing. So I'll tell you how guys deal with it. We get thick skinned and just go for it. If a rejection comes, we just take it and try again with the next woman. It becomes easier with practice because you get used to it. But if I met a girl that's acting like that guy, I'd move on. That's a lot of effort. Link to post Share on other sites
Skies Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 (edited) Just some random thoughts... Would it be a turn off for shy guys that women make the first moves?...I wonder because it is said that it would be a turn off, but then how could shy guys get to date women they really like? Edited March 21, 2008 by Skies Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 Honestly, if the man is so insecure he can't take the initiative, then he's got further issues besides just being too nervous to make the first move. In my experience I have been with many men who are "nervous" or "afriad" of things in life, and they are complete wimps in so many aspects. Trust me, life is too short. You don't want to waste your time with someone who isn't intersted or who keeps pulling away. If someone is interested, they will make it known. Link to post Share on other sites
Skies Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 I agree...I admit that certain attributes of shy guys are attrative to me, for example they are sensitive to emotional changes, willing to listen, kind, sense of humor etc....However I have to admit that it's hard...There is a lot of work to do by myself and I don't always get needs met. Although the attraction and the connection are great. I feel that I might lose them some day when the relationship loses its balance. Link to post Share on other sites
DanielMadr Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 I really need your advice, guys! Is it okay for the girl to make the first move? What is something "safe" that I can do to start? hand holding?? Absolutely. Actually in some cases we might have "no hands policy" until she is asking for it. Have you seen all those James Bond movies when the girl goes to his room dressed in nothing.... But it seems to me he is just too shy, probably virgin. So, are you asking "Is he a wussy?" or "Does he like me?". If you ask the "does he like me" then make a move, chances are he will make the earth shatter for you even if it will be from pure courtesy Link to post Share on other sites
DanielMadr Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 I agree...I admit that certain attributes of shy guys are attrative to me, for example they are sensitive to emotional changes, willing to listen, kind, sense of humor etc....However I have to admit that it's hard...There is a lot of work to do by myself and I don't always get needs met. Although the attraction and the connection are great. I feel that I might lose them some day when the relationship loses its balance. or unbalance more likely. Link to post Share on other sites
DanielMadr Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 Just some random thoughts... Would it be a turn off for shy guys that women make the first moves?...I wonder because it is said that it would be a turn off, but then how could shy guys get to date women they really like? It is dream come trough but ONLY when he likes the girl No, shy guys dont date/marry women they really like. They marry the so so ones who makes the move and seduce them. Or are seduced by him with a help of beer balls. Look around you. Why porn? Why cheating? Why divorces? Link to post Share on other sites
DanielMadr Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 Thanks for your replies everyone. It looks like I am going to have to make the first move.. ohh boy. I guess the main reason why I am so afraid to do this is because I don't know how he feels about me. As far as I can tell, he seems interested, but what if it's just a friends thing? How can I know? I might just have to risk making a fool out of myself if I make a move and then he doesn't reciprocate. Also, to be fair, I haven't quite let him know that I'm interested in him, either! What's the best way to do this?? Try a hand-hold first, and then progress to kissing or what? Heh heh, welcome to the mans world. He is probably knew to it too, lol. At least men have balls to help them - testosterone can make you shut off all BS and go for the bayonet attack. But again some men need to hear a whistle first and some need to be kicked out of a trench. Poor f*ckers they want to live dull, long uninteresting lives. And hey, it is not even WWI, its bloody dating. Link to post Share on other sites
GoodOnPaper Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 A tiny update: I went out with him again last night on another "date". It was the same old story- me initiating small physical gestures and him stiffening up and backing away. We got a hug out of it, but that was about it. One thing he said which bothered me was this: "The line is blurry right now" (meaning the line between friends and dating, or "more than friends.") What is that supposed to mean? It's all very ambiguous, and I don't handle ambiguity well. What do YOU want from this guy and this relationship? Yes, his behavior raises some red flags about "nice guy" issues (lack of self-acceptance, intimacy issues, etc.), so you are getting the usual "shy-guys-are-the-scum-of-the-earth" responses. Regardless of that, it comes down to the fact that you can't control what HE says and does. You can only control how YOU proceed. Do YOU want to pursue things further? If so, try and unblur that line. A conversation starter like "I enjoy spending time with you because __________, but at times I get the sense that you don't feel the same way because _____________" may start to clear things up. Link to post Share on other sites
Skies Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 It is dream come trough but ONLY when he likes the girl No, shy guys dont date/marry women they really like. They marry the so so ones who makes the move and seduce them. Or are seduced by him with a help of beer balls. Look around you. Why porn? Why cheating? Why divorces? I think you are right...This morning this man told me he won't go to a hike which I invited him to go with a group. He said he is too shy and he even didn't join other similar events. But he didn't even say thanks for the invitation...SIGH. If I would have been a guy...definitely won't act like this...at least BE A GUY...Just hurts when you thought he might be a decent one but turned out that it is not the case. I guess even if we were together we won't fit very well...so maybe it's a good thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ashbash11 Posted March 30, 2008 Author Share Posted March 30, 2008 Here is a quick update: My shy guy FINALLY made a move! This weekend, we were out at a birthday party of a friend of his and he was a bit tipsy (I guess it takes alcohol to break the shy ones out of the shell!) and he kissed me.. It was very adorable. I am actually glad it's taken this long because when it actually happened, it was that much more special... We're still taking it slowly because he is SO shy and inexperienced, but I hope that things will continue to progress. Link to post Share on other sites
Belkin Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 We're still taking it slowly because he is SO shy and inexperienced, but I hope that things will continue to progress. Finally! After all this time he acted Good for you If you want things to continue to progress, it's all up to you now! He probably won't initiate anything more for a long time, but if you start it yourself he'll follow without hesitation. Give him the confidence he needs! Link to post Share on other sites
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