Social vs. anti-social person

[mortensorchid]

This might sound like a strange question, but I have been encountering this quite a bit in the last few years. In general, are women more social creatures than men? I have met a lot of guys in the last few years who have few if any friend groups. Women in general seem to have a posse (either of all women or mixed genders) and more active social lives than most guys I have encountered. Some have actually said to me that they are looking for a woman in order to jumpstart their social lives. Is this true?

[Random Username]

Yes.. I'm a guy like this unfortunately. It's almost like being gay, I feel I need to be "in the closet", but that's just cause I'm sensitive towards people who notice my lack of a social life. I suppose some guys really don't care.

 

It's true too, what you say, sometimes I try to find a girl to jumpstart my social life, just because it feels weird to go up a friendless guy and be like, umm hey dude, I notice you always alone too, wanna hang out sometime?? Yeah--not too cool. Only time I make a guy friend is if we got some common activity, and if it's purely a "guy" thing. But you find that less and less once past HS/college age.

 

Anyway, I got a question for you. So what do you think of guys like this?? You're asking the question, so I'm wondering why, is it a good thing? Bad thing? What's your take on it?

[Grimreaper]

this could be true, as i myself am not a very social person. Yes I do like to hang out during the weekends with people but not always. My girl on the other hand is a social coko, she wants to meet new people and get to know them all the time.

somtimes I find this really irritating:p

[oppath]

I think women are more social within existing groups, wanting to talk, etc. Does that make them more social? I think guys are more likely to take the initiative to meet total strangers, so it's a matter of perspective.

 

I think guys are more likely to have 1 friend in a variety of social groups so they don't have a clique of friends, but rather friends scattered all over town. That is how I am. My friendships really are scattered and random. I'm extremely social and outgoing but because I don't have a close group and prefer to wander more on my own, in some ways I socialize less. I make my weekend plans last minute. Etc.

[Trimmer]

I'm more like oppath - not a tight clique of friends, but connections into a number of different circles, and I feel very comfortable socializing in those, or even in unknown circles, when the opportunity arises.

 

I would also be careful in drawing a distinction between "non-social" or "less-social" people, and anti-social people. I think of anti-social people as those who choose actions that are against the norms of their society, like preferentially dating married people, intentionally creating public disturbances, etc...

[mortensorchid]

There certainly is a difference between being not socially active and being completely anti-social. A non social person, to me, is someone who doesn't have friends or networks, wishes to have them, but can lack the motivation or strength to go out and attempt at things. An anti-social person may or may not have these opportunities in front of them, but chooses not to participate. Why? Insecurities, fears, not wanting to make efforts, fear of rejection, etc.

 

I have been quite disappointed in a lot of guys I have met in the recent past. They seemed to be non social people, but, they turn out to be anti-social people. I have the active social life, they meet me, I hand them a social life and everything else on a silver platter, and they throw it away and go back to their anti-social ways. They tell me they don't like my friends, don't like how I'm always on the go all the time. I guess they want someone to feel superior to.

[blind_otter]

This might sound like a strange question, but I have been encountering this quite a bit in the last few years. In general, are women more social creatures than men? I have met a lot of guys in the last few years who have few if any friend groups. Women in general seem to have a posse (either of all women or mixed genders) and more active social lives than most guys I have encountered. Some have actually said to me that they are looking for a woman in order to jumpstart their social lives. Is this true?

 

My SO and I are the opposite...I'm a woman and I can count on one hadn the number of close friends I have. I have work friends and associates, but I rarely hang out with them outside of work.

 

My SO on the other hand, is a social butterfly. He has oodles of friends and talks to them frequently. I've been introduced to so many people that I don't remember names or faces...

 

I tend to shy away from his friends, though, and I don't rely on my SO for a social life. I'm just a shy person by nature and I keep to myself as a rule.

[jcster]

I personally hate being depended upon to be a man's social coordinator. I've found that if a guy can't make friends on his own, then he will have a very difficult time being my friend - and that's a vital part of any relationship, in my book.

[monkey00]

Anti-social, not socially active, and where does the introvert or extravert come into play hmm?

 

I think when it comes down to men VS women making friends with the same sex there are very different social dynamics to it. Women probably are the easiest to make friends with, you guys could talk about shoes or what have you and all of a sudden be on the same page. Guys on the other hand take a little while longer to form friendships and they build on it through mutual respect.

[CD111]

I would agree that socially or culturally women have been raised to communicate more. Historically, it could be the fact that women generally stayed at home, with the kids, extended family members used to live in the same households or same towns and the women would communicate more with each other. They would do chores together, watch children together, sew together at night, go to the market together.

Men would go to work and they communicated less about their actual lives and more about their work. In many situations their jobs didn't enable men to communicate at much during the day. Truck drivers, assembly line factory workers and farmers. I don't think culturally, the importance of good social skills are emphasized as much with men.

In addition in today's world, as people have pointed out, it is harder for men to start a conversation unless appropriate topic of conversation on hand: Sports, Music and Occupations. Women can start a conversation in line at the register in the supermarket. While men, not so much. Now I definitely know a few men that are super social and can talk with anyone.

 

Oh and I have to agree with you about being "the social planner" for a guy, it's so irritating

[Stockalone]

There certainly is a difference between being not socially active and being completely anti-social. A non social person, to me, is someone who doesn't have friends or networks, wishes to have them, but can lack the motivation or strength to go out and attempt at things. An anti-social person may or may not have these opportunities in front of them, but chooses not to participate. Why? Insecurities, fears, not wanting to make efforts, fear of rejection, etc.

 

By your definition I am a very anti-social person but I lead the life I want and wouldn't want it any other way. However, I would attribute it more to being an introvert vs. being an extrovert.

 

I am the kind of guy that goes to the cafeteria to have lunch shortly before they close because the place is usually less crowded then and I like it quiet. I also prefer reading a book during my lunch hour rather than talk to people.

 

I understand that can be regarded as aloof, arrogant or even rude but that is not my intention. I just want to be left alone, if that makes me rude or anti-social, so be it.

 

 

I have been quite disappointed in a lot of guys I have met in the recent past. They seemed to be non social people, but, they turn out to be anti-social people. I have the active social life, they meet me, I hand them a social life and everything else on a silver platter, and they throw it away and go back to their anti-social ways. They tell me they don't like my friends, don't like how I'm always on the go all the time. I guess they want someone to feel superior to.

 

Have you ever considered that some people don't want to have a more active social life? You seem to expect gratitude, for handing "them a social life and everything else on a silver platter". You obviously think that something is wrong with them if they don't share youe enthusiasm for socializing and meeting new people.

 

In my case, events like parties or hanging out with larger groups in general exhaust me and it's not something I enjoy and I literally need time to recuperate afterwards. So, naturally, I avoid socializing as much as possible and I would certainly not be impressed or grateful if someone offered to include me in a more active social life.

 

I can appreciate the gesture but it also tells me that this person knows nothing about me. The way I see it, it has nothing to do with wanting to feel superior to someone but it shows the inability to understand each other.

[mortensorchid]

Gratitude? Well, I guess I am expecting a certain gratitude from them. Because most of them tell me that they are looking for a social life and hope that by meeting a woman they will aquire one through her (or my) networks. Then, they get what they want and then don't want what they've got.

 

I realize now that the few I've been in serious relationships with have been by nature anti-social people. They tell me they don't like my friends, don't like my active lifestyle, don't want to do the things I want to do, etc. When I hit it back to them and say "Ok, what do YOU want to do?", they say they don't know. What "I don't know" means to them is to sit on the couch. It really annoys me.

[Stockalone]

Gratitude? Well, I guess I am expecting a certain gratitude from them. Because most of them tell me that they are looking for a social life and hope that by meeting a woman they will aquire one through her (or my) networks. Then, they get what they want and then don't want what they've got.

 

If all of them wanted you to increase their social life and later didn't like it, I can understand your reaction.

 

 

I realize now that the few I've been in serious relationships with have been by nature anti-social people. They tell me they don't like my friends, don't like my active lifestyle, don't want to do the things I want to do, etc. When I hit it back to them and say "Ok, what do YOU want to do?", they say they don't know. What "I don't know" means to them is to sit on the couch. It really annoys me.

 

If all they want to do is sit on the couch and stare into space, I would be annoyed too but that is not what I understand as being introvert or being less social than most people. I am not sure if those men are non-social by nature or more likely have simply no idea what to do with their lives.

 

No offense, but how do you manage to get involved with those men in the first place? With your active social life, lots of friends, and what seems to be a lively personality, the non-social and dare I say dull type of men you are describing seem like an odd choice.

Edited January 31, 2008 by Stockalone

[fral945]

I think women are more social. Just look at the girls who use sites like MySpace & Facebook, they always have pictures of themselves surrounded by all of their friends. Go into a single girl's house and they'll have pictures plastered on their fridge of themselves out with their friends partying. I don't know many single men who have a lot of pictures in their places of themselves out partying (though I'm sure some do). I don't know many women personally with few friends. Women always seem to be more aware of everything and what's going on in town (I always go to a woman for the gossip, lol). They just seem to care more about what is going on in other people lives (i.e., friends, family, coworkers, etc).

 

I've never really had the urge or need to have close male friends. Even the few close friends I had when I was younger, we weren't really that close. We talked about work, sports, sex, music, and that's about it. For me, I have a much greater need to have a girlfriend or wife for emotional gratification. Women seem to need men & other women for the emotional gratification. Not sure why, just an observation.

 

I feel awkward dating because of it. I don't know if women see that as a red flag or not. I think most men get their emotional connection with a wife or girlfriend. I think for women, they need a husband as well as female (or male) friends.

[Capricciosa]

As I too am involved with someone with no social network, I have to say the biggest problem is that he has no one to turn to to give him perspective on the relationship. Because I have friends, when things between me and the guy are hairy, I can phone any number of people to sort out my feelings. He always reaches for the phone to talk it out with me, and this can be exhausting and overwhelming. His expectations on the amount of emotional support, in other words, are unrealistic.

 

I also find it annoying being the only one who brings social activity into the relationship. It sometimes feels if I did not suggest things or recommend activities, he would be happy to stay home all the time. I personally need more variety than that in my life.

 

He seems like he's a social person, but when the chips are down, when there's a party to go to, there is always a problem. The only person he wants to socialize with is me, whereas I want to socialize with him in a larger world.

[fral945]

I also find it annoying being the only one who brings social activity into the relationship. It sometimes feels if I did not suggest things or recommend activities, he would be happy to stay home all the time. I personally need more variety than that in my life.

 

He seems like he's a social person, but when the chips are down, when there's a party to go to, there is always a problem. The only person he wants to socialize with is me, whereas I want to socialize with him in a larger world.

 

I'm kind of that way as well. I don't know if your guy and me are in the same boat, but for me, I just don't really need a lot in life. A woman bring the sex and companionship that I desire most (hopefully along with a family one day). To me most other things in life are less important (job, friends, hobbies, etc). Sure I have hobbies and interests, but they aren't an all encompassing part of my life. I'm with a girl right now who is like you, she likes going out, socializing, making events out of things. I'm pretty low key, like your guy, I could stay home most of the time. Sure, it's nice to go places, but not really necessary.

 

Why is important that he socialize with all of your friends? It's ok for couples to have time apart. If you want to go and socialize and he doesn't just go ahead without him.

[Capricciosa]

 

Why is important that he socialize with all of your friends? It's ok for couples to have time apart. If you want to go and socialize and he doesn't just go ahead without him.

 

It then doesn't feel like I have a boyfriend. He once came over when we were supposed to (I thought) go to a party together, and told me to go ahead and he would wait for me to come back. This doesn't make sense to me. Why come over in the first place? Why not come out and be part of the bigger world? I need a lot of time apart. I'm not the type of person who wants/needs constant companionship, but part of the fun of being with someone is going out. Plus, there is far too much attention on me if it's just the two of us all the time. I find it too intense, and ultimately boring to just be with someone (anyone) all the time.

[mortensorchid]

How? That is an excellent question as to how it is that I as a social person end up with anti-social people. I have a network of friends, both male and female, but we are active within each other. I go outside the circle to meet bfs.

 

Of my last two serious relationships, one I met on a blind date, the second I met in Florida at a fan club meeting. As for the Internet? I have met a few people here and there on websites, but they usually don't last very long.

[fral945]

It then doesn't feel like I have a boyfriend. He once came over when we were supposed to (I thought) go to a party together, and told me to go ahead and he would wait for me to come back. This doesn't make sense to me. Why come over in the first place?

 

Probably because he doesn't find anything interesting or stimulating about going to a party. He probably just wanted sex/time spent with you. I went to parties when I was younger but that got old to me pretty quickly. I never found them that appealing. Mostly drinking, bsing, and gossiping. Sure, some can be interesting, but most aren't. Not sure how old you are or what type of parties you're attending, but to most guys, going to parties is not an opportunity to socialize, but an opportunity to get laid. If he's already getting it from you, he doesn't really have much motivation to go out.

 

Why not come out and be part of the bigger world? I need a lot of time apart. I'm not the type of person who wants/needs constant companionship, but part of the fun of being with someone is going out. Plus, there is far too much attention on me if it's just the two of us all the time. I find it too intense, and ultimately boring to just be with someone (anyone) all the time.

 

Speaking from my boring guy perspective, the bigger world you are talking about (i.e., parties) is just not that interesting or stimulating. Do you two have hobbies or other activities you do together? For me, I'm far more interested in activities or doing things (sailing, camping, hiking, going to a museum, etc.) where I actually learn something or feel like I'm achieving something. Parties to me are mostly a waste of time.

 

Out of curiosity, what attracted you to him? Was he ever social (or at least made an attempt)? It sounds like from what you describe he's been this way since you've been involved with him. You can change habits, but changing someone's nature is hard if not impossible.

 

You have to decide what the most important things you want in a relationship are. You're still with him, so there must be something you like about him?