Stalker or is it just me?

[LoveLace]

Last weekend I was out with friends when I ran into a guy I remembered from high school. I think we might have had a class together once but that's about it. We instantly recognized each other and it was cool. We chatted a couple minutes and he said we should hang out sometime. We exchange numbers. We also danced a little bit. But then I got back to my friends and he wouldn't come near them, but he for sure kept me within sight and watched my every move. He kept asking if i was ok to drive....I was only on my 3rd beer. He kept trying to hurry me out so we could "go out to breakfast".

 

I assured him I was fine to drive more than once, then he kept saying "I don't want you to drive sweetie, where's your jacket?" and kept saying he was going to follow me home!! When I paid my bar tab he was right on my back waiting. I literally had to sneak outta there the second he turned his back. After that, he was blowing my phone up like craaazy. He then approached my friend and started saying he was worried because I was "really fkd up" and my friend later said he was being very over dramatic.

 

That was 5 days ago and he's still blowing my phone up daily. He never leaves a message. I'm seriously creeped out now. I know I can say to stop calling me but I'm afraid to pi$$ him off if in case he's crazy enough to find me....he knows I live in the same neighborhood as where we went to high school, with technology these days anyone could probably find me if they tried hard enough. My roommate said "well that's what you get for talking to him!".....is that true? Or is this guy crazy? Doesn't it sound like he got way too possessive after just exchanging numbers?

[MystifiedByMen]

Yes, if a guy tried to hurry me out of the bar and wanted to leave with me right after getting my number, I'd be a little creeped out. I'm not real sure how I would handle that.

 

You have to tell him how you feel about contacting you and be firm. Tell him clearly to stop calling and end the convo quick. Then never respond again to make it clear your are serious. Good luck and hope things work out for you.

[Ronni_W]

My roommate said "well that's what you get for talking to him!".....is that true?

NO! That's not true!!! -- especially since you had a connection from high school. But even in general, how are we going to meet new people if we don't talk to them first?

 

It does sound like some seriously 'unbalanced' behaviour. How/where did he approach your friend to say that about you? -- If he had to do a bit of stalking to find your friend, I'd actually just head on over to the local cop shop and find out what can be done -- just tell them thus far you've been even too afraid to talk to him long enough to ask him to stop calling.

 

If you don't want to get cops involved yet, other options are:

1. Change your phone number (I know that's a pain but...)

2. Have a male friend answer your phone and demand that he not call there again -- and then get on the phone and say the same thing (this actually worked for a friend of mine but it depends on the level of craziness, I guess.)

3. Tell him yourself -- "thank you but I'm not looking to expand my friendship circle at this time" or somesuch.

 

Keep a log of all calls. If he continues to contact you after being asked to stop, it will be helpful when you have to take further action.

 

Best of luck -- it's a horrible thing to experience -- get lots of hugs and support from your friends and loved ones.

[LoveLace]

Thanks Ronni. To answer your question, he approched one my girl friends who was still at the club after I sneaked out. I thought it was strange that he wouldn't hang out with us when I invited him to; but he wasn't afraid to talk to my friends when he couldn't find me!

 

So far all the times he's called, there's been no male around, but next time there is I"ll for sure have him answer.

[underpants]

Lovelace,

 

Have you directly spoken to him?

 

Just call him back and say that it was nice to see him and catch up but that you are not interested in pursuing further contact. If he asks you why say that the persistent calling is off putting to you and that he may want to re evalulate such behaviour with someone else in the future. End it will a please refrain from calling me again, thank you.

 

Then let it go.

 

If he does not answer then just leave a message of the same sort.

 

It kind of reminds me of a scene from Singles.

 

You did give him your number and he is obviously interested, and yes overly persistent. Don't game him, just be direct, respectful and honest.

[whichwayisup]

I was just thinking that. Maybe next time he calls you tell him that you're not interested and sorry that you took off on him. He doesn't know you are not interested, for all he knows you could be playing the cat and mouse game.

 

If he continues to call you after you talk to him, THEN worry and possibly do what Ronni has suggested.

[LoveLace]

Yea your right if I can't get a guy to answer the phone for me, I need to just find a nice way to be direct...ugh I'm not good at that. I'm sure he's dying to know what happened to me that night...I'll just say I found one of my friends that was leaving right away so I hitched a ride (which is actually true), then hopefully I get the nerve look your'e calling too much dude please don't continue and hopefully I can leave it at that.

 

Even if a girl is just playing hard to get, you'd think a guy would still get the hint that this is not the case after she hasn't returned like 15 phone calls over 3-4 days! I've had guys call me a lot before but if I ignored them they usually got the hint way sooner than this.

[underpants]

I don't like this having a guy answer the phone for you.

 

Also, I just have to say that not too long ago you were stressed about phone issues yourself with someone else. Granted that was a different thing. However, it did bother you when someone was not returning your calls.

 

I think it would be good for you to just call him back and diffuse the situation pronto. It will probably empower you a little.

 

Good luck.

[LoveLace]

Yes underpants, after someone said they loved me and wanted to marry me, then woke up and stopped returning my calls without breaking up properly, yea that's a little bothersome....me and this guy talked for 5 minutes. But yea I think I"m just going to answer next time and (unlike my ex) just say dude stop it.

[EYECANDY000]

My roommate said "well that's what you get for talking to him!".....is that true?

• Of course not! dont think for one second that it is your fault that hes a nut job

Or is this guy crazy? Doesn't it sound like he got way too possessive after just exchanging numbers?

 

He may be just very persisitant! if you dont feel comfortable telling him not to call anymore then just continue to do what you are doing, which is ignore his calls

[tanbark813]

Yes, it's stalkerish. I don't know how it is where you are but under CA law I don't think the cops can do anything until you tell him to stop calling. But, if you've told him to stop and he continues to call then if he calls enough it's a misdemeanor and he can go to jail or be fined for it.

[Star Gazer]

Dude sounds a little unbalanced, LL. Be careful.

 

Answer the phone next time he calls, and give him a very clear message that you're not interested.

[Art_Critic]

I'm a bit confused as to why in the world you wouldn't just tell the guy to stop calling you ?

 

You have this whole story of drama now that could've been avoided if you had just been open and told the guy that you weren't into him..

 

You think he is stalking you.. well.. you gave him your number and when you figured out he was a bit unbalanced or off you never took the proper steps of finishing off the whole deal with a blow off..

 

Start by telling him to buzz off.. Nicely..

[LoveLace]

Dude sounds a little unbalanced, LL. Be careful.

 

Answer the phone next time he calls, and give him a very clear message that you're not interested.

 

 

I'll try not to be too chicken...and Tan I'd think the law is probably the same where I live...if he continues to call after being told not to, I'll have to get dirty...

 

You'd think that sneaking out on him AND avoiding his numerous calls for 4 days after would be a clear enough message...but I guess not if your a stalker!! Man, in the past I"ve complained about guys before who didn't get the hint, but they'd at least put days or weeks in between phone calls for gosh sakes. Now I know they just liked me...this guy's got issues!

[LoveLace]

You have this whole story of drama now that could've been avoided if you had just been open and told the guy that you weren't into him..

 

You think he is stalking you.. well.. you gave him your number and when you figured out he was a bit unbalanced or off you never took the proper steps of finishing off the whole deal with a blow off..

 

quote]

 

He's the dramatic one if you ask me buddy! And, I WAS a little into him at first, in the 1st 5 minutes of seeing him, he suggested hanging out sometime, and I had no reason to say no to it in that moment. I was mistakenly comfortable enough to give him my # at that moment. I knew him from high school...it wasn't like he was a total stranger, but someone I hadn't seen in several years.

 

And I DID blow him off, you know the part where I left? I wasn't going to stick around with a guy saying he's going to follow me home ...just because I exchange numbers and talk to you, that doesn't mean to follow me around all night, call me "sweetie" and TELL me (as opposed to asking) your going to follow me home even AFTER I say that I don't need or want you to...so you see I was trying to blow him off THEN and it only made him more persistent and more possessive, so taking off was last resort...by then I was starting to feel unsafe being around him so exuse me for not blowing him off nicely enough!

 

However if I answer the phone I'll say what I feel in the nicest way I can. I"m aware that "stalking" might be an exaggeration, but ya can't deny he's got the potential!!

[D-Lish]

You need only tell him ONCE you are not interested.

 

If he continues to call after that- that is the kind of behaviour to be worried about.

 

It's not your fault for talking to him- give me a break, that's ludicrious.

And for the record- it is a little strange to be calling over and over like that.

[Art_Critic]

He's the dramatic one if you ask me buddy!

 

I wasn't trying to say that you were the dramatic one.. I was saying that because you didn't tell him you weren't interested that you helped create this dramatic story...

 

The Title of your thread:

Stalker or is it just me?

 

From what you have posted I don't think he is a stalker.. I think it is you .. or to use better words.. how you handled it..

 

This is the part of dating that some women never get.. when you show interest in a guy and then he does something to disinterest you then you need to tell him what is going on..

 

yes.. he is being clingy.. yes he doesn't get a hint.. and yes his behavior even was a bit on the creepy side.. but he thinks his behavior is fine and that he is on the top of his game and if he chases you that you will respond... He sounds young.. immature..

 

So... being straightforward could have saved you a bunch of time with this guy..

Edited January 9, 2008 by Art_Critic

[Green]

well he creeped you obviously but hes not necesarily a stalker. Why did you give him your number? was it before he creeped you out? Just answer the phone if he keeps calling and say "I was trying to avoid telling you I'm just not interested in talking or doing anything with you please stop calling"

[Trialbyfire]

Three beers will cause you to blow over legal limits. You could have gotten a DUI, regardless if you were capable of driving.

 

Just do what unders says. Set him straight that you're not interested. The poor, quasi-stalker guy is very interested. Put him out of his misery.

[tanbark813]

Three beers will cause you to blow over legal limits.

 

Only if it's within an hour. If it's over the span of 3 hours she'd be under.

[whichwayisup]

Only if it's within an hour. If it's over the span of 3 hours she'd be under.

 

It actually depends on her body size too...

 

L, listen to A_C he's giving you good advice, as well as the others who are in agreement that you need to talk to him, tell him that you aren't interested.

[tanbark813]

It actually depends on her body size too...

 

Of course, but 3 drinks in 3 hours is pretty safe for almost anyone.

 

http://www.dmv.ca.gov/pubs/hdbk/pgs72duichart.htm

 

If you look at that, as long as she's over 130 lbs she's fine. Plus, the note at the bottom states:

 

These charts are not legal evidence of actual BAC. Although it is possible for anyone to exceed the designated limits, the charts have been constructed so that fewer than 5 persons in 100 will exceed these limits when drinking the stated amounts on an empty stomach. Actual values can vary by body type, sex, health status, and other factors.

 

So even if she's under 130 lbs, she has to be drinking on an empty stomach, and even then there's only a 5% chance she'll exceed the limit.

 

If you ever watch that episode of Mythbusters where they test drunk driving they have to drink a fair amount pretty quickly to actually blow over the limit. In college I once got stopped and blew a .06 and had about a six pack in two hours and I'm not a big guy (about 155 lbs).

 

I'm not trying to advocate drunk driving but it's not like, "OMG you drank 3 beers you're going to die!!!!"

[BlueEyedSarah]

LoveLace what kind of clothes were you wearing at this club!

[LoveLace]

LoveLace what kind of clothes were you wearing at this club!

 

Ha ha I was just in jeans and a shirt nothing skimpy...that's not me...I might let a little cleavage show once in a while but i just wore a normal shirt that night. To clear this up, I didn't exactly invite the guy to dance....we started talking while already by the dance floor...he started moving and I started moving, and yes we got a little flirty there...and of course I'd given him my number before he creeped me out.

 

It's always nice if someone doesn't want you to drive...but he wasn't offering to drive me himself....he was offering to follow me home....while saying I was "fkd up" at the same time....I might feel a small buzz after 3 beers, but "fkd up"?? I kept telling him, I"m fine I've only had 3, but he kept insisting that I was "fkd up"....haven't seen the guy in 15 years, talked for 5 minutes, and he thinks I'm "fkd up"? After I left, my girl friend said he was very over dramatic and saying he was worried about me driving because I was "fkd Up", but I mean she said it was like he was having a panic attack over it. He called me once again last night but I was busy and missed it...no message..and that was it, so maybe he's slowing it down.

 

The thing that bothered me was that I DID invite him to hang out with my friends and I, but he wanted nothing to do with it...instead he watched me like a hawk from a few feet away while I sat by my friends. Oh and he isn't that young he's my age: 30. Anyhow, so I thought it pretty odd that he wanted nothing to do with my friends, until he couldn't find me, then he made the situation seem way worse than it really was to them. I mean come on? So this was no innocent young guy who's not experienced with women. I'm not as creeped as I was for the 1st few days after. We exchange numbers, and he wouldn't hang with my friends, but he started acting like we were a couple or something right away, as if I needed his approval for everything. Sorry but this is just not right!! Oh, and yes I used the word "Stalker" because I was pretty creeped out at 1st but I'm an exaggerative person anyway when it comes to description it's just part of my sarcastic personality.